the rain after a long drought
It’s been a long time.
And all it took for me to remember the existence of a blog that had once been the epitome of the highlights (and maybe lowlights) of my life was a shot at putting all my thoughts into words while sharing photos of Spain on Facebook. (Yes, I actually got myself to Europe. How did that happen?!) It’s like a freaking dam broke and suddenly my brain exploding with phrases and sentences and feelings and emotions all at once. And then I am writing this.
It took some time, I know. Quite some time. I completely get it. I would probably regret it when I look back gazillion years later, only to find this gap of nothingness during the days between the pre- and post-poly graduation. If I could use one word to sum it all up?
INSANITY.
Well at times it’s rainbows and unicorns but sometimes the unicorns just had to pretend it was the amazing Niagara Falls and shit some bricks and have it land and pound on your head continuously. Seriously, at times like these you would never know where it is gonna land and when it is gonna hit.
And let’s face it. I have never really been at ease with filling a piece of paper with my feelings like I was Shakespeare. I was never able to do that; it was difficult for me to write like I am an English major – which I am clearly not – or a blogger or even someone who has the English language as her first-language, and I absolutely hated that I didn’t have this talent. But hey, I came through. And here I am exploding words that hopefully mean something, not that I care if it makes sense to others anymore. Hah.
This hiatus has been one of the most enduring path towards self-discovery and esteem. And it hasn’t stop. I don’t think it ever will, nor do I wish it would. At least I guess that’s how people learn and progress, right?
The transition from a student to having a diploma and making use of it in the real world – in other words, the twenties – isn’t a small feat. Lots of hurdles – confusions, anger, lacking of direction and a myriad of emotions I didn’t even think had existed just appeared in my life like it was meant to be there. But I have come out being a wiser, stronger (in mind, prolly not body), and improved person than I once was. Well that and may be a little more introverted as well. Okay.
But this doesn’t mean it’s over. Just because I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel AS OF NOW, it doesn’t mean there won’t be any more deep and dark and long and dark tunnels and caves that I will venture upon in the future. But I’ll keep holding on. I hope. Hopefully.
I really wish this sudden adrenaline to write isn’t a one-off kind of thing. I want to come back. I couldn’t really do it on paper because of the never-ending thoughts that come spewing itself at me that I could never be able to catch up. But this typing thing works as of now. I have always loved the idea of transforming my abstract thoughts that come and go into concrete elements that I would always be able to look back. I love that I am able to write and reconnect with myself through my words. This new chapter is gonna rock. And like every other, I don’t know what will come next. But I’ll have to face it anyway.
For now, it’s more lesson plans I have to face.
Til next time!
A little more adult (I think)
Hahaha! I can’t help laughing quietly at myself as I type the title of this post. It’s either I’m too anti-social and daft or hell yeah I may be right!
Oh well, not that anything is different or what. The awesome thing that makes me feel more ADULT are the performances I get to watch with friends! As in live performances. Asin go and support. And have fun. And laugh. And take lots of pictures. I’ve never done that with the BITCHES. And I’m not hinting anything negative, it’s just, different crowds draws different activities and fun. A different kind of fun. And it’s really kind of exciting and interesting and FUN FUN FUN.
Or that I’m just daft.
@ SCH for Sheena’s debut performance with the NUS winds symphony!
the ‘n-th’ group shot we had that night! hahahaa!
the official unofficial Friends of Genius Hive group shot!
alright I have to admit I look like a ghost in the picture. just a little;D
beautiful memories that are not pictured:
– me crazy after the performance. it’s like drunk without alcohol. YEP.
– whatsapp spamming of the babies’ photos between ‘friends of GHPS’ on school nights
– playing with the mirror with Pippa dearest on Friday
– Snuggly Leann singing the number song and then getting shy and running away.
– cutiepie Jeanne sitting on my lap and grasping my hand with her tiny cute ones and studying them. SUUUUUPER PRECIOUS.
– playing those shape connector toys with the N1s and learning about shapes. I showed them how 2 triangles make a square, and Javier actually made a circle with the triangles! DAEEEEEBAK!
– the short but awesome time I spent with half the K1s with the beads! We ended up stacking and balancing the beads and seeing who can make tallest and taking pictures before they collapse. So glad and proud the boys were behaving well and having an awesome time “eating” the beads with their hands. HAHAHAHA!
– changing Jeanne and unexpectedly tickling her underarms which made her giggle and giggle and giggle.
– sending quirky Natnat out skipping and singing to HSM’s “Start of something new” HEHEHEHEHE!
– Ssuper awesome first day at GHPS as a fellow attachment student
– LOCHLAN AND KERYL DARLINGS SINGING OLD MACDONALDS IN TUNE! SOOOOO TALENTED(FOR 2YO) AND HANDSOME AND KAWAIIIIIIII!
okay I’m officially missing the kids sooooo much and can’t wait for tomorrow’s concert costumes shopping and teachers performance rehearsal with my awesome colleagues!
good ol’ happy TINGZ gonna sleep with a wide smile on her face tonight
ADIOS AMIGOS. CIAOS. PEEEEEEEACE!
I’m on my way.
The train ride from woodlands to raffles place is something I’ve got to get used to. Cos I’m gonna be taking this journey to and fro many times in the future.
The future. My future. Near future at least. The future that I can still grasp and see in my head. Well sometimes.
I finally accepted the job offer from GHPS. It’s like a rude awakening. That, hey! You’ve gotta make some choices that’s gonna affect your life forever and you’re gonna be responsible about it! Kind of wake up call. Well the nice kind that makes me wanna go forward with my life;)
It’s nice to make grown up decisions for yourself once in a while. This question and decision kind of took a long time for it to settle in my head. Heh. But then again, it’s not about whether I’m going to return to become a full-fledged teacher under GHPS, but more about whether I could bear NOT returning and NOT seeing my dearest colleagues and babies after graduation. The answer is simple. And so I went for it.
It’s 2 days since school started and an unofficial ‘off’ day on the 3rd. I’m on my way to GHPS again Hehehhe! This time gonna meet the others and off we go to watch Sheena’s debut in NUS winds.
Can’t wait to see my awesome principal and colleagues again. And the children. Oh the children. I just need some getting used to. From coming everyday 5 days a week to only a meek 2 days a week practicum thing.
A little prayer that I’m gonna stand out stronger and wiser after my last sem in NP, and that time flies by. And hopefully that I survive through all these.
So, GHPS, I’m on my way.
Sheena, I’m on my way.
Graduation trip/s, I’m on my way.
Wait for me!
Let the pictures talk
I’m starting to write a journal. Yep. But you know what handwritten journals can’t do? They can’t give you the visual aspects to my life (unless I print the pictures all out!). So here it is. The past few months of my life.
Hello, balance sheet, we meet again.
the Monday-thought-was-Tuesday gelare ice-cream waffle
a nice book with a sucky ending.
Tidied up my desk! But it’s all messy now. heh!
first time hushing the toddlers to nap. there’s something very peaceful about it all.
cute sleeping baby’s cute sleeping feet. cuuuuuuuuuute!
10,000 rice dumplings for charity!
behind the scenes of it all.
A morning walk with the divaaaaaaaaa!
And then I spotted a rainbow on my doorstep(:
Ice-cream burger thing from Bakerzin on Shuhui’s birthday! ***FOODPORNFOODPORNFOODPORN***
And baskin robbins with Fiza and Yana on the last day of our elearning break! i meant week! ***FOODPORNFOODPORNFOODPORN***
Mom’s new recipe: mini tofu patties! ***FOODPORNFOODPORNFOODPORN***
And the fire drill. where I got to try on the most awesome baby carrier ever! lots of baby cuddling and swaying and being in the centre of attraction during evacuation for this event!
And then this tomato soup. SO. DAMN. DELICIOUS. ***FOODPORNFOODPORNFOODPORN***
And of course how could we forget a cake for Xinying’s birthday! Bakerzin’s warm chocolate cake. reminded me of DA OOZE from TCC! ***FOODPORNFOODPORNFOODPORN***
And to sum the evening off. Best one I’ve had in a while!
Went to the National Skin Centre with aunt, and got the Starbucks breakfast! NYUM NYUM NYUMNOMNOM ***FOODPORNFOODPORNFOODPORN***
and then we got some veggie sushi rolls;D ***FOODPORNFOODPORNFOODPORN***
And now here I am, hoping for more gatherings with old friends, more time with my babies, more ***FOODPORNFOODPORNFOODPORN***, more travelling around Singapore and hopefully OUT of Singapore… and less assignments.
4 more to go, to be completed within slightly less than a week’s time. Can I do it? HOPEFULLY! Then it’s HELLOOOOOOO to the holidays!
Disconnected.
Been having headaches all day, and at the end of the day, ‘disconnected’ is the word that best describes today.
I don’t know why, but I’ve been having migraines and headaches every thursdays ever since school started. And I don’t know why.
Well one thing I know is Thursdays suck! All those tutorials and all, oh my, thinking about them again makes the headache come back.
We’ve just completed and submitted our first assignment of the semester, and starting on many others. I wonder how I’m gonna cope, seriously. But every time when I have thoughts like these, I’ll tell myself, one year later after it’s all over, you’ll look back and wonder why you even bother to get so worried. Hahaa, aftermath of the things to come.
What?
I’m not really pleased with my performance lately. With everything. I seem to be getting more and more lethargic as days pass, cos of the crazy insomniac nights I suffer. And I don’t even know why. Is it a psychological thing? Am I getting stress that I don’t even know I’m under? All I know is if I don’t get enough sleep, I will suffer. Big time.
I find myself losing focus on lots of things. Having problems with listening and understanding what people say, sometimes not even wanting to talk or converse anymore. It comes to a point where I’m not even the least interested in what is going on anymore.
I went back to GHPS today, yea, with the headaches and all that. Didn’t really do much, but was helping out at infant care, which I LOOOOOVE, by the way! They were a little shorthanded today and although there weren’t lots of kids left, there’s still a few. At some point of time I was left to jaga them alone. Now that I think about it, I think the reason why Pippa cried and why Coen decided not to drink his milk was mainly because of me! Of how unfamiliar this person is, and how they are with me alone. Yikes, I think I could have handled the situation better. Clearly I wasn’t thinking deep enough.
Ever since I started work, I found out this bad habit of mine. I dislike making mistakes. I’m afraid of making them. And I care too much about how others will think about me once I screw something up. And the bad thing is, the more I try to not screw up, the more nervous and uptight I become, and as a result, TADA. I don’t know if it’s the perfectionist in me or what, but I always feel like I could do better. And with my current state, where I can’t seem to focus, can’t seem to write notes fast enough, can’t seem to catch what the lecturer said a few minutes ago, can’t seem to figure out why my poor Pippa is crying when the only reason is because she may be insecure with me, I falter emotionally. Seriously, I can do better. I should. For the betterment of the kids I am going to teach, and of course, myself as a teacher. A soon-to-be teacher.
And sometimes I think I lack the confidence to speak up, to say no, to stand up for what I believe in, and sometimes I don’t know. I don’t know how to react and how to be street smart as a ‘working adult’.
Seriously, there’s so much I have to work on, it’s a great big world outside, and I’m just starting out. I have lots to learn. I need to be more assertive. Confident. Creative. Humble.
And just open my arms wide to accept what the world has to offer. The good, and the bad. And the ugly.
Let’s do this.
Ah ma, ah Yi, and I
Ah ma: are you going with ah Yi to buy dinner?
Me: ya, I thought I just told you I will?
Ah ma: oh okay.
Me: …
Ah ma: …
Ah Yi (who was walking with us all along): so are you coming with me or not?
Me: *sigh* …
Ah ma: eh don’t be so lazy, go with your aunt.
Me: okay, I never said I wouldn’t.
Ah Yi: so are you coming with me?
Peacefully at ease
I remember there’s this tutorial from the professional development module I had over a year ago, the lecturer wanted us to think about the 3 most important values/things in your life and depict it into 3 simple icons. I drew a peace sign, smiley face and a house I think. And these 3, my lecturer explained, will be the 3 things that can guide us in making decisions and affect how we cope and deal with problems and challenges in the future.
My peace sign; to have peace within you. To feel peaceful and contented and grateful.
A smiley face; positivity all the way! What makes me happy? What can make others happy?
House; to forging and maintain quality relationships with people who are important in your life. What can be done to achieve this?
I think about these 3 a lot more than I expect I would. To my surprise, they just stuck around in my head. How am I feeling today? What can I do to make myself feel better? How do I make this nice feeling that I’m feeling last? What do I want from this situation?
It was a sense of peaceful contentment that kind of overwhelmed me on my way to ahma’s house from work. That amazing fuzzy feeling that makes you think all is well?
I owe it all to these wonderful things that happen this week.
1. Happy reunion with my lovely musketeers!
2. Hilarious moment when Mawar’s fork broke!
3. Sketching Mawar’s side view in class! Sorry to tarnish your image, Mawar… But it sure was fun being an ‘artist’!
4. On Thursday BONGER and I went to the bake store to get baking supplies. I’m gonna make some lemon cheesecake with that soon-to-expire mascarpone cheese, while she’s gonna surprise her other half with some birthday cheesecake. I wonder how it went! She’s like super nervous about it all on Friday.
5. TGIF! We went back to good ‘ol GHPS to work some extra hours on the last weekday. What I didn’t expect was to arrive with 7 packed lunches, 2 soya milk and 2 bottles of coke and a group of hungry teachers awaiting our arrival. It felt great to see that nothing has changed since we left for school (but again, how much can change in just one week?). Walking down Cecil, settling back down in that familiar small but cozy ikea desk outside the principal’s room… It just felt as though we had never left. Lady boss walked right in when we were back working on our computers talking to the principal, acting like it was any other work days. Until fiza exclaimed EH? MRS QUEK! Then she realized our return! Hahaha! Daphne even exclaimed that ‘there’s finally life back here in the office again’.
Oh yeah, my little cutiepie recovered and came back on Friday too! That was seriously one of the nicest surprise I’ve had in a while. Played a little with her before I went back to work, but it was enough to keep me smiling for hours HEHEHE! Saddening news was the quick outbreak and spreading of HFMD among the children. The PGs population reduced to 1, and ‘mini me’ was affected too. BOO:(
One of the nicest thing that I heard that day was, “feel free to come to me for any help you need, I will be here.” seriously, how blessed can I be with such a supporting and kind principal, you tell me!
6. Saturday was pre-cramps day for me, if not I would have went jogging at least one round at the yishun reservoir with Jasmine. But I plan to bike there from woodlands next Saturday though! Hopefully the weather will cooperate ya!
7. Impromptu pizza dinner @ Jasmine’s! I’m on my way there now! YAY!
Crawling moments, tiring days.
3 days in to school, and boy, it sure is tiring. It’s back to those ‘good’ old days where I am rarely NOT tired or sleepy, EVEN after naps. I don’t know why this happens, right after the first day of school still!
And sometimes I forgot I’m already a Year 3. Hahaha, even though it’s been tough the past 2 semesters, I still have this ‘Year 2’ feeling in me. Denying the fact that things are gonna get tougher and tougher as I progress? I GUESS SO.
Lessons are coming along well, I’m still catching up, thank god. We’re taking modules regarding MANAGING a childcare centre as a principal (not like I ever see myself being one) but yeah, lots of admin details, getting to know the laws and ministries involved, global issues, finance and budgeting YADA YADA. However challenging and overwhelming the module ‘teachers as researchers’ is, I am actually glad to have such good lecturers like Sukuna and Lavina to guide us through. Hopefully I will be able to do the final project in GHPS and which they changed from group to individual component. I’d love to get back there and work with the teachers and children! Really pumped! Haha!
And it’s good seeing my lovely musketeers too! I know we don’t really initiate meetups and gatherings once we’re out of school BUT when we get back together when school reopens, we’re still the same old us hahaha! Same lame jokes and funny epic moments.
Mawar got her scholarship money and as promised, treated us to lunch! We went to J3 which is a new shopping centre at jurong east. It’s funny how I still get the chills just seeing the place alone and recall how I felt during the various piano exams that are held in that place. I think I’ll never be able to get over it. Oh, main point being, the chef cooked some awesome vegetarian dish for me, saying that the dish that I originally ordered contained chicken powder. Thank god for good service hahaha! The roasted broccoli and carrots reminded me of that complimentary dish we had that fateful night we walked into the Italian restaurant in back in Perth!
Today was Sheena’s first day of work without Hafiza and me, and we sent her this drama mama photo of us for her to prop in front of her work desk so that it will appear that we’re still seated and working opposite her. Hahaha!
Okay, that’s all for tonight! Tomorrow Hafiza and I will be taking a trip to the bakery store and maybe get some butter for mother too. Friday is the day I go back to GHPS! Cant wait!
Something and something else.
You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.
– Beverly Sills.
Super disappointed. Yes, I failed my driving test yesterday. To be more exact, I FLUNKED it. Did a stupid mistake that cost that whole license. Seriously what happened to my memory hahaha. Was supposed to turn out when the kerb was in line with my shoulder during vertical parking and I started to turn when it was in line with the door handle instead. I even gasped when the car slanted upwards on the kerb. Hais. Now I have to try again. Mom says I can learn more and all, but I think I still need some time to get over that stupid mistake of mine. Ugh. I wonder if my previous instructor will curse and scold when he sees me coming in for practical sessions AGAIN. I hate to disappoint, disappoint myself, and others. But I guess that’s just an unpractical and unrealistic side of me that I must let go a little of.
More sad news. BONGER just told me this noon that my little cutiepie’s really gotten HFMD. Poor thing. Just days shy of her first birthday and all this shit has to happen? Seriously!
Today’s been a stay-at-home-and-chill-and-try-not-to-think-about-yesterday-day. Watched HBO for the past few hours and seriously it was the highlight of my day. Now I find myself starting to find more awesome old movies to watch. I love the 1982 movie ‘Annie’! Think it was adapted from a really successful broadway musical and all. Love how talented and wonderful the children were, singing and acting. They just put a smile on your face. The other movie was screened in 2004; ‘Before sunset’ starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. I remembered watching this and the 1995 prequel, ‘Before Sunrise’ on one of the local channels a few years back. They shot the second one 9 years later, which is exactly the same amount of years the protagonists spent apart from each other before they fatefully meet again. ‘Before sunrise’ was shot in Venice while the other was shot in Italy. Beautiful places and scenery throughout the whole film. I like! It’s a really simple concept but filled with deep meanings and quotes. It’s just 2 people walking and talking about life and love and more things. Surprisingly, I liked how simple everything came through! Though it definitely feels a little different compared to the first time I watched it.
Okay, that’s all I want to say for today. School’s starting soon, no matter how I dislike the thought of it happening. A song written and sung by Julie Delpy for the movie (I suppose…) and 2 of my favourite songs from the movie ‘Annie’ to end the post off.
I love how soulfully she sings!
The sun’ll come out tomorrow
So you got to hang on til tomorrow, come what may!
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow
You’re always a day away
Remember you’re never fully dressed
Though you may wear the best
You’re never fully dressed without a smile!
Confessions of a Sentimentalist 