So as any who knows me, I am 27 years old and single. In the LDS culture I am officially an old maid and at times feel like a misfit. Friends and family often don't understand what it's like to be a single, LDS, 27 year old female. I have been asked from time to time by both family and friends "are you just being too picky?" Now I know they mean well when they ask this question and others regarding my single status, but as most of those asking the questions were married fairly young, they simply don't understand the situation that I am in, and the questions sometimes sting.
I have talked with others singles who are in a situation similar to mine and we have talked about these awkward and at times unintentionally hurtful questions that imply that we are single because we are to picky, to demanding, to uninvolved, etc. We all have come to the same conclusion that those who have never been single over the age of say 25, have no idea how hard it can be, especially in the LDS society where family is so strongly emphasized.
I've been thinking about this alot, in fact my single state is something I think about alot. Only those who have personally been in a similar situation will ever fully understand but let me try and help those of you who were lucky and blessed enough to find love early in life take a glimpse into the trials that come from being single.
First off, I would give anything to find an eternal love. This can make it hard sometimes to spend too much time with those who have found their love. Imagine watching your friends who are happily married to a man they love ,have started a beautiful little family, and that are living in a cute little home. It's hard not to be envious of their happiness, not that you want their exact life or their husband and children, but you want that kind of happiness for yourself. I know that their lives are not perfect that there are arguments, long nights, frustrations, and that marriage doesn't make problems disappear. I still want it, the good and the bad. Imagine going through all the hard times in life alone, making all the big decisions alone with no one to help bear the load. I can't count the number of times I've wished I had a husband that could help me make those big decisions that will change my life.
Its also hard when friends who were previously single find their loves, talk about a situation that calls out the green monster of jealousy. It's so hard to have the opposing emotions of happiness and excitement for your friend that they have found that someone and the feelings at jealousy that you haven't. Same thing when friends tell you they are expecting a new baby. You are happy and yet your heart cries out "When will it be my turn?"
Now I'm not saying that being single is all heart aches, I've been doing my best to make the most of my singleness. I have taken the view of my life that I am going to experience as much as I can while I have no one but myself to answer to. My money is mine alone and I can spend it however I like, I have no one at home to get home to so I don't have to worry as much about timelines and there's defiantly a benefit to not having to worry about getting a baby sitter. I have gotten to do lots of things that my married friends haven't; trips, educational opportunities, shopping sprees, etc, and I have many more planned; But oh how nice it would be to have been making memories with my eternal companion.
So back to the original question of am I being picky? The answer is YES, I am being picky and I feel that I have every right to be picky. My parents agree with me on this choice, as we all feel that when it comes to choosing who I will spend the rest of this life with and who I will be with throughout eternity deserves a certain degree of pickiness. Its the biggest decision I'll ever make and will effect the rest of my life, his life and our families lives.
So let me tell you in what ways I am being picky. Those who ask the questions assume that I am looking for the prefect man; tall, handsome, successful, etc. Those things would be nice, I won't lie, but those things are no where near the top of my list of what I'm looking for. There are qualities that are much more important to me: a love of God, a desire for family and to support that family. Being married to someone who was successful and made lots of money would be nice but, I would rather be poor and married to a man I love with all my heart and who feels the same about me than be married to a rich man and have no true love for each other. I am not looking for a fireworks type of love, I am looking for a love that when I am with him I am home and at peace. Yes I'd like romance and attraction. Yes I want to find someone I find attractive and who finds me attractive also, it's defiantly important that there is some chemistry but there's more to a marriage that chemistry, there also needs to be compassion, communication, and trust, trust is a big one. Mostly I want to be loved just like anyone else.
Someday I hope to find that special someone, a perfectly imperfect person that is perfect for me in my imperfection. Someone with whom I can share my life and have build a family and home with, but until then I will keep looking, keep enjoying my life and searching for fun and interesting new experiences that will help me grow and progress on my own. Hopefully I will not have to spend my life alone, but in case that undesirable situation does happen I am preparing for the possibility of having to provide for myself.
I never planned on being still single at 27 years old, I'd always thought that by now I'd be married and have a couple children. My life has never gone according to plan and that has been a hard lesson to learn. I have learned that God has a plan for my life even if I don't always understand it.It's been hard having the one dream I've always wanted be the one dream that it seems like will never come true. I've had to find new dreams to keep me going but still that original dream of marrying and having a home and family of my own still holds center stage in my life.
So the next time you see an older single person, don't immediately assume that there's something wrong with them, or that they must simply be too picky, rather remember that under that carefree smile there may be a broken heart and unfulfilled dreams. Hopefully there still remains in that persons heart a hope that their day will come and that those heartfelt prayers will be heard, that all the tears, broken hearts and failed relationships will not have been in vain and the belief that it is worth it to keep trying because one day a dating relationship will end not in a broken heart but in a joyful marriage. It can be hard to keep trying when past experiences tell you that you are a failure at relationships, that they never work our for you and to carry that fear that perhaps they never will.
Remember that sometimes it's important to be picky and choosing who to marry is defiantly one of those times, and don't judge those who are still looking. Sometimes it seems that the older I get, the harder it is to find a good, righteous, LDS man who honours his covenants and wants a traditional family. I know that somewhere out there is at least one man with whom I can build an eternal love and life with, so I'll keep looking, keep putting my heart on the chopping block and patching it back together when it gets slaughtered yet again, all in the hope that one day someone will come along who will take my heart off the chopping block and will carefully cherish and protect it and me for the rest of our existence.
A broken heart has earned the right to be a picky heart, because it is an educated heart. What you really need to fear is the picky heart who has never been broken.
