Monday, March 31, 2008

so these days have been good days for conversation.
it feels good, finally meeting people again. it's been such a long time.

on friday, i met my dearest sistars and we went for social night together. i wouldnt go in a million years if not for them, and having been there done that i wouldnt want to go for another one again. tsk. even if its sushi baby again, mel can take my place hahaha. wouldnt u love to? ;) and then we had this immense kbox craving, and that plan had to be abandoned because of the insane overnight prices, and watched a horror movie. another thing that i would only do with them, i dont know why. haha. and then i dropped by mel's to hang out, just sitting on the floor of her bedroom and talking for hours, i think we needed that. even if i realise how our topics are different, how we sound so much older, the kinds of problems we now have, the considerations of the questionable Future. and maybe in some sense we're in the same boat, the not being where u want to be, the lack of a goal that accounts for that lack of motivation. the mistakes, the wrong decisions. its been so hard, trying to talk to anyone else about it.

it feels like the good old days again. as we continue making plans for the next few months, the holidays. and we met up again the next day, spent the whole afternoon in kbox, i hope it's helped the healing process. even if the sappy songs didnt, i hope at least the company did.

saturday night was steppers night, thanks to ivan who helped me find a replacement. im glad i went, even if we spent most of the time in front of the time watching jon play time crisis on the ps3, it was the most amusing sight. not forgetting, the most amusing sounds as well. hahahaha. im sure everyone would agree. "you missed the rope." hahaha, three times over! and he does the peter griffin laughter everytime he fires. plus the name game which calvin just couldnt win at, even though he got better in the second round. plus the song at the end. the song that we editted and sang to ja.. even i couldnt hold back the tears. and i know how hard it is to say no, but im glad she was strong enough.

went to my dempsey, though it was close to midnight. but it was good fun, helping out with closing. so happens donald was there, and i hardly ever see him at dempsey anymore. and weetiong was having some of his funniest moments ever... apparently full time for a soccer match is, to weetiong, a full half hahaha. and then he asks a random customer whether she used to be a scoopy. debbie was also doing her usual stunts, like climbing over the ledge in front of dipcase, which was obviously inviting much teasing tsk. after that it was quarubar for the man u match, and donald said he'd only go if i drank a pint of hoegaarden! :| saturday nights are a little odd without bnjs nowadays, i heard the crowd was incredible and im kinda sore that i missed out on that kind of action but, you cant always have the best of both worlds can you?


Ja's Song by Steppers 07/08

I can't sleep
My thoughts just keep on swirling
Inside of my head
I think we are going mad

I was a fool
I played too cool
I thought Steppers was all that you had
Just us
Never thought we would be so sad

It seems only yesterday
So happy we all
Now just look at us
Alone and so blue

I was wrong, I admit it
Wo qiu ni hui lai
It's not someday
It's not one day
Come back to us, please come back to us

Cup the phone
I called your home
My heart pounding
Hoping that you would say
It's okay
I'll try again

Is it our fate
I hesitate
I don't know if you'd give us that chance to say
Let's perform at channel eight (hahahaha)

There's so much we wanna say
For all that you've done
But when you're here with us
The words just won't come

I was wrong, I admit it
Wo qiu ni hui lai
It's not someday
It's not one day
Come back to us, please come back to us

I know it's tough
But we ask for another chance
Can we please try again

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 04:19

Friday, March 28, 2008

"i'm normal too!"

"no you're not normal.
you have the emotions of the elephant."


these few days have indeed been sad and teary. its nearing the end of the semester, end of the academic year, and there's just too many goodbyes to be said. although it's still premature, with three weeks to go plus exams, all the hall events seem to be coming to some sort of finale, the curtain call.

with C-ulture night over yesterday, it finally concludes all my culture events of this year. Dance Uncensored was on good friday, and it's been a good experience performing on such a huge stage with such an audience. a little too close for comfort, with recognizable faces just right there in front row, but i know theatres like these are the best for dance performances. the days following up to performance day were full of trips to the UCC, staying in our dressing rooms falling asleep and reading Pearls, tech runs and full dress rehearsals. it wasnt too tiring, since i only had one item, but it was fun. and on the day itself, everyone was just taking photos all day, with the stage makeup on and all, plus our favourite prop- the lonesome/desperate box. it sucks though, having two performances in a day. i dont know, i never liked matinees much, be it watching or performing. in fact ive never been used to repeat performances, it just takes away the meaning of the final curtain call at the end. in competitions, you dont get a second chance like this.

after the night performance, when the curtains closed before us, kr stayed behind on stage. the final years started dissolving into tears, one by one. and then we stood around in two circles, one around the other, singing the kr family song. its funny how the freshies started crying too, only the final years and the freshies, the two extremes. but i guess we could all feel the love they had for kr dance, and for dance itself. after all, after you step into the working world, what are the chances of stepping on stage and dancing again? and it's not like three/four years is a long time, and since ive regretted not dancing earlier, i hope i'll leave kr knowing that i've fully experienced kr dance. alot of the good seniors also picked up dance for the first time in kr, so why not huh?

and after that we headed back to wash up, and then ordered macs for supper. and in the one and a half hours it took for the supper to arrive, all of us were just slacking around the dance room, eating mingquan's heavenly baileys brownies and listening to lionel dish out all his brainteasers haha. and then we spent the longest time in the lobby, eating and talking about the strangest things, like colon-cleaning medical stuff hahaha. ah well. quirkiness puts the fun in things.



and C-block C-ulture night was yesterday.. it was terrible preparing for our 6th floor item! because we only choreographed the dance the day before and taught the rest on the day itself, two hours before the performance. but feedback seems to be that it was pretty okay, so i guess thats good. i just wished all the 6th floor girls were there together. the pus-C-cat dolls hahaha. the technical glitches made it seem to go on forever, but the items were pretty good. everything seemed to be dedicated to the final years, it just makes us so much more wary about the finality of things. and then watching the C-rew item, its so sweet seeing how they're still so tight. im sure everyone was touched. some of them, ive never seen them so emotional before, it just shows how much it all meant to them. and as usual, we wrapped off with the Cblock song, which ended up with even more tears. but after that we were all being silly like doing PA stands and shoulder sits all over the place haha. steppers habits die hard.


im going to miss dance now :( poooh. there's just such a long window of nothingness before the next possible dance performance. might go back to LADC to yenny's class, like i promised. but there's no more spaz and ellaaaa.

i feel like im well on my way to a repeat of this year, despite my adamant reassurance to outside friends that next year it'll be different. what to dooo?

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 18:02

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

now, where do i even begin? truly, words cannot really sum up all the emotions that we experienced on sunday. sunday, was that two days ago? it still feels like it all just happened yesterday, there's still that surreality, have we really won? have we really done it? i still carry my camera on me, and every once in a while i'd whip the camera out and look at the gazillion photos that we have again and again, because they captured the raw emotions that were written all over our faces on that special day.

i guess it really feels like such a great accomplishment to me, because of two things.

one is that, i no longer have my nanyang teammates with me anymore. all the six years ive competed in something like that, i've had at least one of them by my side through the trainings and the competitions, to give me the much-needed reassurance that i always relied on them for. nobody really knew how worrysome i was, how emotionally needy i could be. and ive learnt to deal, somewhat, by myself, because doesnt everyone have to learn some day. and that day at competitions, it was such a familiar feeling, it really felt like gym comps- the whole idea of putting up a performance to be appreciated by the judges, and not just a matter of scoring how many goals or how many baskets, how many fouls you make on court. its a whole different game altogether from all the ihg sports.

and the second reason is also because of my injuries. ive never gotten really injured before in my entire gym career, ironic isnt it. and in the 6months (300 hours hurhur they keep harping on these 300 hours) of cheerleading, ive injured my back and semi-sprained both my wrists at the same time. arent i a genius, how did i even manage such a feat. and despite all that, i still managed to step on to the competition mats, and thats something im really grateful for. i remember feeling so incapacitated by my back injury, cos thats about the most flexible part of my body and now thats taken away. and then one day before competition, i injured both my wrists with backflips. one day. it was seriously scary, i didnt know what to do. i was so disheartened, because it was just one more day and this had to happen. and its not like a pain that i can try to ignore, i couldnt even support myself by like hanging off the bases shoulders. and with my back injury i had considered dropping out so as not to hinder the team, and now this which was even worse.

everyone kept telling me that it would be okay, and when im on the mats it wont hurt anymore. but i didnt believe any of it cos i thought that they didnt know how serious it actually was. yeah, then the night before just before sleeping a few of the cblock seniors came to visit with their stuffed toy cow and maggie mee, just to accompany me and talk and ask about my wrists. which i was really grateful for because these nights-before-competitions are always jittery and tense for me. they were really sweet, and even after they left weliam came back with painkillers and cream and all that. in the past month, ive accumulated so much medicinal rubs and pills given to me by other people, but they never seem to really take the pain away.

then it was competition day and i still woke with a dull ache in the wrists. we went down to the dance room at 7freakinAM to do up our hair haha its quite nice actually. i secretly like gelling up our hair with glitter and all. and this year we had the stnicks gym star! and then we trained abit and one jian zi hou shou totally killed my wrists :( luckily i had zhaoyuan's magical painkillers. seriously they are MAGIC okay. after i took them, it felt like i had new wrists in perfect working condition! so i guess that kinda restored my confidence abit.

took a coach down to kallang leisure park and there was barely anyone there. we were supposed to report at 11am, when the events only really start at 3pm! we brought our textbooks with the wild ambition to study during the break.. haha as if! we were so busy doing so many things, like doing our hair, our make up, dry runs and sound checks, checking out all the other teams. it got quite scary because the standard has risen so much this year. our ihg routine wouldnt have stood a chance against the kind of competition this year i think. lots of cblockers came down to support, and favourite scoopies too (: yay love you guys, it means a lot really.

so first up was group stunts, and we had a nerve-wrecking split second of a mistake, but we recovered thankfully! and it was all good.. and then it was the long wait for the team category. which really was occupying my mind most of the time. when it was our turn, and we were waiting just outside the mats for the annoying emcee to cue us in, we suddenly heard LET'S GO KR, LET'S GO! echoing throughout the arena. and at that point of time you could see the surprised smiles on our faces, you could really feel the hall spirit, the block spirit, and that was a great morale booster. it felt so nice, knowing that all of them are out there, cheering their hearts out for you, and with you. so we just went out there, and gave it our hall, shouted till our throats were burning and dry for the first time ever, and enjoying every minute of it. from the minute my hou shou came off without a hitch i couldnt wipe the grin off my face (: i enjoyed every single moment we were out there on those mats, yelling our hearts out, having fun. and even if all our stunts hadnt managed to go up, i know we have all fought as hard as we could, and that was enough. at least we all know that each of us in the team wanted it so badly, as much as everyone else. because we were all in this together, all for one and one for all.

in two and a half minutes it was all over. and even if my wrists felt like dying at the end of the routine it didnt matter because all i asked for was for me to survive those two and a half minutes, which i did. we exited in high spirits, went about taking pictures and watching the other teams perform. we've done what we could, now its no longer up to us. and its good going to crowded places with the team, because we all shoulder-sat on the bases to get a better view haha. aces seriously blew everyone away, and i dont think anyone could have deserved the gold any more than that. beyond a shadow of a doubt indeed.

then came prize presentation.. and we won third for the all girls group stunts! and then the best cheer and best spirit awards for our team category went to other teams, which was a minor letdown i guess. because as steppers we do pride ourselves for our spirit and our sunshine-ness, but i guess it doesnt matter as long as we are sunshine enough for ourselves (: and then when they were announcing the placings, the flyers gripped each other's hands tight, heads bowed down in hope for a positive announcement. when the third place went to ntu aces team b, hands were loosened, and the senior flyers started tearing. we all thought the same thing, that if there was something we could contend for, it would be third. and just when we thought there was no longer hope, when the tears have found their way to our eyes and down our faces, we heard, KR STEPPERS!! and suddenly the tears of sadness were instantly transformed to that of surprise, disbelief and ultimate elation. we had streaks of mascara down our faces, we cried in the most unglamorous fashion, but it didnt matter anymore because we won! and the feeling, it was as if we were champions. the darling cblockers started doing another kr cheer, and they laughed with us, cried with us. its really heartwarming to see that they invested so much emotions into steppers even if they werent really part of it all.

we were the last team to leave, as usual. it used to be like this with gym competitions too. till the hunger got the better of us and we got moving. team dinner, and then headed back to hall. and at random intervals, ja would burst out into "omg we wonn!" hahaha. back in hall, the cblockers suddenly told the steppers to gather at the rooftop, and we found them in the position of a "pyramid" with others doing arm motions by the side hahaha. they are the funniest bunch of people! but they were cheating with their pyramid because they were standing on tables and chairs, not on each other! hahah and then they presented us with a photo collage of that days photos (so efficient right!!!) with little captions. it was really gorgeous, and it was the sweetest things. cblockers are really such darlings. we were almost moved to tears. and now it hangs in the lift of our block, and every time i enter the lift i'd miss my floor because id just keep looking at the photos, no matter how many times ive done so already.

and so, cheerobics 2008 came and went. all those trainings, those 300 hours, those three intensive camps that made me feel like throwing in the towel at times.. all for this defining moment. and i must say, at the end of it all it really was worth it. it was really an undescribable feeling, competing again, striving once again for a perfect routine. how i have missed that feeling.

i think its really amazing, that we are such an inexperienced squad with only three years of history to our name. and in the two years that we went for cheerobics, in both years we managed to come back first-runnerups. i remember ja telling weeping and mingquan "our only mistake is that we shouldnt have won last year", because that really raised the expectations that the hall had of us, and in truth we were really just a very inexperienced squad. but this year's results prove that it doesnt matter anyhow, how much experience we have, it proves that last year's wasnt a fluke, wasnt simply lady luck shining on us. we have it in us, and someone mentioned that it seems like every year we're the underdogs, that emerge winners. maybe not champions (and that doesnt really matter all that much at the end of the day does it?), but winners in our hearts.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 04:20

Monday, March 17, 2008

i am completely overwhelmed.

WE GOT FIRST RUNNER UP!
and really we couldnt have expected anything more, because ntu completely deserved the champion. and group stunts got third! with just a week of training, i must saw we are pretty damn awesome.

today's really been a rollercoaster ride of emotions, every waking hour was charged with such intensity in the air, from the start till the end. and now as im sitting here in my room, alone again in what seems like forever, im still trying to take in all of today's events, all the laughter and all the tears, and all the love between teammates and between family. family being cblock, because today we really felt the block spirit shine through, and really, the support of the block has helped us get so much further, and has touched us in so many many ways.

it's been a long time since ive experienced this, and as much as it instills fear in me, it makes me feel so alive.


and now we've to crash back to reality, the harsh reality of project deadlines and tests. this day has been solely dedicated to steppers, and its been a blast. no more, it's time to focus. there's so much to say, about this special day. but that shall have to wait when all these academic deadlines have been met.

new york, new york:
thanks for visiting me weliam!
Chou-ragger:
welcome
Chou-ragger:
cblock family ma


(: (: (:

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 03:10

Saturday, March 15, 2008

new york, new york says:
im so tired!
new york, new york says:
and tomorrow's the last day
new york, new york says:
what if i actually miss all this
new york, new york says:
what if i decide to do this all over again
new york, new york says:
why do i have to be so sentimental about every single stupid thing!
Cj says:
i tink you will miss this
Cj says:
coz it's part of who you are haha
Cj says:
it makes xinyi, xinyi

sigh. its such a familiar feeling, this leaving of things. except sometimes i wish i didnt have a choice about it, then there arent difficult decisions that i have to make.

im really a bag of old bones, rusting away.
i want new wrists, new wrists in good working condition.

i cant believe this is happening to me, ONE day before cheerobics. i dont know what im going to do, take painkillers that numb the pain for those important two and a half minutes, and then i'll deal with it again when it comes back, when its okay to let it consume me :( i dont know how bad it really is, but even a simple cartwheel hurts. im trying not to think about it, but even the music cant drown out all these negative thoughts, i cant concentrate on anything. my tumbling is all i have, is that going to be taken away too?

mind over body, mind over body.
i hope that takes me far enough.

okay im going to go drink more milk now. hurhur.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 20:15

Friday, March 14, 2008

two more trainings to cheerobics!

my goodness, its too surreal.
i think we're getting better, and thats good. my tumbling still frustrates me a little. give me springs in my feet please, now! but i can do my jian zi hou shou by myself now and that is enough to fly me to the moon because come to think of it, this is as far as ive ever come with my hou shou even though its like the simplest floor move ever. last time i only did it on the tumbltrak or on the blue mats that were beside it, and now its just cheerleading mats on hard floor! okay this probably makes NO SENSE to anyone else but me but hey, thats all that matters. i guess this is enough, because part of why i wanted to join cheer was because i still couldnt put gym down, and since i get to do all my gym stuff, not flying much doesnt really matter, right? :D

its the last two trainings, and now im feeling a little nostalgic. because i dont know if id want to go through with this again next year. part of me wish it didnt end all that soon. i know im going to miss flying, i already do. but its like, i can still continue on with trainings now (just not so intensively), week after week like its the norm, but the whole thought of a new academic year and one whole new year of steppers, it just sounds really tiring.

and im definitely going to miss the people. because without all these trainings there's no way we'd interact as much as we do. and encounter all the funny things that happen during trainings, like bases kissing each other and building all that chemistry hurhur. and lately everyone's been really nice. jon's been giving us chocolates (but only for flyers... and weili hahaha) like after preview he gave us amicelli and today he let the whole squad eat some tasty biscuit stuff. and after training he gave the flyers kinder bueno, "today's chocolate". rather sweet and thoughtful i must say. and he did the FUNNIEST cheer today seriously, haha we must all learn it and make a video some day. but for the sake of maintaining civil relationships with the cheer world, this secret cheer must not be revealed!

the hall will be buying us supper for these last three nights, so we drove out to west coast macs to get our food in cardboard boxes because it was the only efficient way of transporting all the food back. haha we had crappy conversations, another single's night out, im going to miss all of this. SUPPER AFTER CHEEROBICS! (: ive focused so much on how all the fatigue and the aches will go away after cheerobics, but i havent thought about what it would mean for us as the squad of 07/08. and now all these thoughts are filling my head, treasure your last few trainings. that i definitely will.

so as we count down to the day we step onto those mats with our sunshine smiles, i hope these last few trainings will be the best we've ever had.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 04:48

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

schedule for tomorrow:
waking up past noon hurhur
group stunts for cheerobics 5pm to 7pm
dance 7pm to 9pm
cheerobics 9pm to indefinite time

sigh. such will be my life until sunday, and then it will get a little better by next week. but just slightly. probably gotta dance my feet off every single day to get good enough for good friday.

and training ended at 3am today, but we had our preview in front of the whole hall and all our major stunts went up it was seriously good stuff (: i think its the best run we've had ever.



i'm sad that i have to say this, but sometimes (just sometimes) i feel like hall doesn't make me as happy as it used to anymore. some things are different, and im not saying entirely, but sometimes i feel a little wistful, a little wishful that things were still as they were. it felt so apparent to me, that night on the rooftop. and yet, i wasnt really willing to step out of my comfort zone to go the extra mile. and i dont know if its necessary anyhow. i do realise im letting this bother me more than it should, because most others are taking it in their stride. its true, its inevitable, you cant prevent, and you alone cant do anything about it. and now that the situation is the way that it is, i dont know if we can reverse the process, and do a rewind to make things as they were. and i dont know if i want to. what good would it do?


im rather disappointed, with how we turned out. because i thought we could be good friends, and i thought you were nice despite all the on-the-surface meanness that you feel is imperative for you to display. i liked our conversations, however rare they were, and they go on late into the night and it was okay, because it was a short walk to home. we used to have proper conversations that meant something, beyond superficiality and triviality. what happened, somewhere along the way? we don't talk anymore, and i've been around long enough to know things, observe and hear things. i wish i didnt have to see this side of you, and maybe it would never have worked out, this being friends between the two of us.


true intentions?
why is it that everyone seems to have questionable motives,
all these hidden agendas lurking around the corner.
why do i suddenly feel like everything's become so chaotic,
a completely jumbled mess of relationships within this community, between people.
why do we have smokescreens,
for the people that we really are.
why is it so hard to be true anymore?

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 06:20

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I CAN DO MY JIAN ZI HOU SHOU FAN!!
i am so totally over the moon that nothing, i tell you, NOTHING can get me down. not tonight. it's been such a long time, years i believe, and suddenly the feeling returns, it just felt so right. and im so glad that i could finally muster up the courage to do it, finally im pushing myself to my limits, instead of wang or the seniors. i used to rely on them so much, because i knew that they'd push me, and i knew that when they told me to do something they knew i was capable of doing it. i guess i never really had the confidence in myself to make myself do something simply because i thought i couldnt achieve it.

ahh, this feels so good.
this feeling of accomplishment, that has been missing in quite a while. who cares about the back ache, who cares about the aching muscles, it really is all forgotten, numbed- when youre going through the move in your head, when youre executing the move, and then its overshadowed by the elation that follows after.



five more days to cheerobics JIAYOU (:

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 04:54

Monday, March 10, 2008

you know what, i hate it too, that i let these things get to me. do you think i like how it feels, how i have to be so unnatural some times just because of what ive been hearing. i really wish i could turn a deaf ear, just simply not care, but you know after a while it just doesnt get so easy anymore. i know that not all of these people matter, because really who are they and who am i to them? just another kid on the block, just another girl that's been way too busy for her own good, just another. and i know that all that should matter is being true to yourself, and taking comfort in the fact that true friends understand and support you, no matter how things appear to be on the surface. but when true friends are hard to meet, and you're trapped in this little island away from home almost 99% of the time, its hard to survive. these are the things that surround you every waking hour, these vile words and gossip that spreads like wildfire.

im sorry that i've been so uptight, i admit i have.
i feel it too, that ive not as good tempered as i used to be.
please just try and understand,
dont judge me, dont tell me about how disappointed you are,
because now im reaching breaking point,
all that has been happening, are really the last things i need.
its really the last dash,
and im trying to hold out till the end.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 05:08

Saturday, March 08, 2008

"we're so arrogant aren't we, so afraid to age. we do everything we can to prevent it. we don't realise what a privilege it is to grow old with someone, someone who doesn't drive you to commit murder, doesn't humiliate you beyond repair."

i watched p.s. i love you today and it's really the sweetest thing. i loved it, and i know i'm being such a girl about it, but its really a love story in all its un-cheesiness. every letter that came, every surprise that followed.. just makes you go all melty inside hurhur. okay stop swooning n-o-w.

and as i watched the movie i thought about you and how much he reminded me of you. such uncanny resemblance, not just plain on the surface staring you in the face, but the other more subtle things that stirred up the dust that had settled on certain memories which had long been buried underground.

you know, that part when he was performing for an audience, and even though he was such an awesome performer and had everyone's attention, it feels like he's singing for no one else but you.

oh look, it was christmas time too.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 05:38

Thursday, March 06, 2008

i guess it would be unfair to say that nothing comes out of it, maybe there's nothing or no one else to blame for a series of bad choices and wrong decisions. i wish i was happier doing what i am doing. i cant say that there are no regrets, but if i turned back time i still wouldnt have chosen any different. now now, isnt this quite a sticky situation.

all along there's always been this lack of something lingering, something like discontentment and unfulfilled ambition. i need to stop this, this being so apathetic about things. what good is all this angst?

ive got a test tomorrow at 10am, and here i am playing prolific and blogging. i really dont think i deserve to do well at all.


cheerobics are in ten days and it sure doesnt feel like it. im kind of worried, but not losing sleep over it. its different from how it used to be like for competitions, when two weeks from the date i'd start fretting and getting insomnia. i guess it helps that its something new, at least as far as personal expectations go there arent all those past achievements piling the pressure on. it's kinda surreal, that all we've trained so hard for will finally come to something next sunday. it feels like not too long ago when we were auditioning and learning the basics, and at the same time it feels like we've been through a heck of a lot together (that probably stems from the long hours of training and three camps in less than a year). so i dont know whether i'll miss it, or whether its going to be a relief that something that has weighed on my mind for so long can finally be lifted. but whatever it is, i hope sunday will be a good day for all of us, both for ja and for the squad.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 02:40

Sunday, March 02, 2008

NEW SHOES! was what debbie and i kept yelling in unison in the store today. hurhurhur wearing my happy new shoes (with multi-coloured stars on the insoles that nobody can see) make me so silly happy, like i can keep looking at them and smile to myself :D but wearing them to work is seriously a HAZARD. i declared my shoes off limits to people and untouchable! debbie and i were making belgium waffle batter and one DROP landed on my shoes and the two of us went crazy like the sky was falling down. it was funny :D

"last time, everything just seemed to click together.
it was like magic."

as we talked about how we used to run the store last time. it always makes me happy to know that everyone felt it too, when debbie and jianjian said that today. at least even if it could never again be like before, we had it once. and we never get tired of talking about it.

chef bob was such a dear today when the uncles totally abandoned us at dempsey. they just left us there, to deal with the crowd that never stopped coming from 7pm to 12.30am. it was seriously insane, but last time whenever it got this bad there was always at least one of them there to hold down the fort with us. so today bob did the dishes and made a milkshake and topped up the hot fudge which resulted in hotfudge stains all over the front of his chef uniform hahaha. "are those new shoes! see, only the good friends notice." hurhurhur.

im falling apart like badly-oiled machinery.

ive injured my back and it frustrates me how it hinders me in so many ways. like we had dance practice the other day and i couldnt do anything properly, nothing could flow because i couldnt use much of my back for anything and its really annoying when i cant seem to catch up. plus i could be doing a whole lot of tumbling right now, but i cant because of my back and what if, what if it doesnt get better soon enough? the sinseh, almost breaking my back with treatment, and his foul-smelling medicine doesnt seem to be much of a help at all :( what if all ive trained so hard for, for steppers and for dance, i have to give up just because i cant get better.

but the other day, to get to the sinseh, ekie johnny and i went on a little adventure. went to this place in clementi ive never been to, and its the nice feeling of being back to the heartlands. and we went khong-guan biscuits crazy, because we simply couldnt resist the tins of biscuits that called to us through the glass doors when we were waiting for the sinseh. and then from biscuit shop to confectionary to bakery, we seemed to be on a rampage. haha. i love these little homely bakeries with peanut butter waffles and sugar donuts. and then we walked and walked and wandered back to clementi central which left us so sour because we didnt know it was that near and we had to settle for less-than-satisfying food someplace else :\ but it was fun and being to the sinseh was excruciating for me as much as it was amusing to ekie, i can tell. laughing at my misfortune at all the wrong, embarrassing moments is exactly what friends would do, i know.

certain things have been happening in dance, certain less than pleasant things. like badly made decisions and stupid obligations being fulfilled for the sake of maintaining civil relationships with people that really dont deserve it. i dont know what to say and im glad that we've decided not to stoop to certain levels, like blowing things way out of proportion to selfishly demand things to go our way, like a stubborn child that doesnt yet understand the importance of dignity and self-respect. i still wish it didnt end here, so prematurely, and a little part of me wishes that we could still continue dancing together because its the company that we have treasured the most throughout all the practices so far anyway. its really what all those tears were shed for, not for the fact that we've lost, simply because i know we havent. at the very least we havent lost our pride, and we didnt have to grovel in the dirt for a second chance, and in fact we've gained so much from the process, from start to end. its true, what they always say. cliches are, albeit a little overused, cliches for a reason. its not really what we get in the end, but what the road to the end was like.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 05:44