Tuesday, March 30, 2010

SO TIRED!
i can't remember the last time i've felt like this.
i don't remember ever feeling like this.
like i could sleep for a hundred years and more.
like no amount of sleep could do me any good.
AGE IS CATCHING UP WITH ME OMG.


a small part of me is hoping DU would quickly come and go, because i know that till then i will not have a peace of mind and good rest. but at the same time, i know i'll miss it so much because my nights will really be empty then. when DU concludes, all of my commitments for this semester will officially be over. and the main thing in our portfolio as dance comm will also be over :( planning DU has really been an eye-opener, to all the things that go on behind the scenes, you finally really know just how much goes into putting up a production, more than just late night practices and bump-ins and showtime. it has been super interesting and i really really hope that everything will go smoothly during the show! *cross my fingers* slowly we're checking things off our to-do list, and the pieces are coming together (:


i'm so used to dance practices almost every night, i'm going to miss all the dancing i'm sure. and i'm going to miss the people most of all. after this year, all the seniors that we came into krdance knowing would be gone. and i know i'm nowhere near as emo as they could be right now, it still sucks knowing that some of the closer people you know in dance is leaving. and this might just be the last time we're sharing that same stage, like we have for the past three years.


omg last practice already :(
C-HERISH!

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 03:15

Monday, March 29, 2010

I wondered what happened when you offered yourself to someone, and they opened you, only to discover you were not the gift they expected and they had to smile and nod and say thank you all the same.

Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

and then you're all the disappointments of a fallen dream.
you're the false assumptions that fell short of reality.
and you feel like you can't be good enough,
because this is the best that you can be.
and it's not enough.

or maybe you're just not trying hard enough.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 05:34

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

"I am not going to try to tell you not to be sad because let's face it, you all trained super hard for today, gave up so much for today, and you can think of many things that could have gone right and have gone right so many times before but just refused to do so today. No words can really make the pain and disappointment go away.

If you must live up to our expectations and our legacy, at least live up to the correct expectations and the correct legacy. It is not winning. It is not all stunts up or perfect routine. All stunts up is something we aim for in every performance and something we prize, but that is not the real expectation or legacy. The true legacy of your seniors, those who are still fighting and guiding you today and those who have come and gone throughout our short existence as a squad, is that they fought hard and never gave up even though each day brought another reason to quit to try to put a good show with all stunts up. And in our eyes you have proudly carved yourselves into that legacy."




Do not live by the expectations of others who are irrelevant. The only relevant people whose expectations you should care about are yourselves. What do you expect of yourself?

-bigB

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 12:35

Monday, March 22, 2010

nationals are over.

i've been slightly reluctant to pen down all the thoughts and emotions, because im afraid i cant find the right words to aptly describe all that im feeling.

there's been too much crying today, but there's just so much sadness it seems the tears can come anytime.

usually i refuse to shed tears at my own disappointment,
because it's not that i cannot take failure..
but this feels like ive shattered into a million little pieces.

i didn't want to come back to hall after dinner that day,
because i didn't want to be doing nothing in my room,
and just thinking about everything about today,
because i simply cannot put my heart down to doing anything else at this point in time.
and then when we got to RedDot,
reading an email from bigB got all the flyers sobbing.

this was something i wanted so badly,
because this was supposed to be my last shot at something great, something absolutely spectacular. but now there won't be a beautiful ending. and the worst part of it all is, not being able to come back harder and stronger, and winning it back, simply because you will no longer be here.

the supporters came and gave us pats on the back,
words of encouragement like "don't worry, there's always next year." but there won't even be a next year for me, will there?

but i remember the words that chun whispered into my ear,
and i remember to be grateful.
grateful that we could even make it on the mats,
because when the squad was at it's lowest point of the season,
all we wished for was to be able to show off our routine on those mats. and that we truly did.

actually, personally for me, i know i can't ask for anything more. because i didnt horribly crash my head on the floor from tumbling (like i somehow always imagined i would as a worst-case scenario) and all my stunts managed to go up. but i know how sad my teammates were feeling, and i know how horrible it must feel for a stunt to fail, and this is afterall a team sport. what happens on a personal level means nothing in a team game. when the results were announced, i was caught in photo-taking that i missed it. and when deo just told it to me plain and clear, it didn't register. that we didn't get back into top3. and then the tears came. i hate crying, because they are a sign of weakness. but i can't help the disappointment.

and the sadness stems not only from the fact that we didnt do our perfect routine, but also because this might just be the last time i step on those mats during cheerobics. a year on, i might just be a face in the crowd. i won't be the cheerleader gasping for every breath as we whiz around on the mats, as we dance and cheer our hearts out. after our routine, mel shiqi and i huddled together (we're such a bad combination) and cried about how it was gonna be our last cheerobics together. technically it doesn't have to be. but there would be too many things that have to be changed for it to not be. and this being the last, it wasn't rounded off with a bang.

it's hard trying to grapple with these feelings, because in all the years of competitions i've had, it has fortunately only been celebrations and not despair. in nanyang and hwachong, it was always team gold, except for that one year we got team silver, and that seemed hard enough at that time. like what jon said, "this is a new feeling" .

i can't believe cheerleading has come to mean so much to me. such that i feel like everything else could cease to matter because of it. but i'm sure im just caught up in the tide of emotions, the events, the people, the situation. just give me a few days, i'm sure i'll be back to normal. but just now at reddot (i refused to come back to my four walls in hall to think about sadness), we were all sobbing and overwhelmed with the desire to do this again, to get back what we have lost. but when all the practicalities come into play, this is but a lovely dream. i can't believe i'm even considering the remote possibility, because i had set my heart out not to. but i know i'll just feel like shit one year on, just like how i did last year.



but at the same time, im so thankful for oat. for his brilliance, for his wisdom, for his kindness and his big heart. for his love and passion for cheerleading, that takes him this far with us. at RedDot he told us that if he didn't do cheerleading, he would have been rich. but it's okay, because this is his passion and his love. he was there with us all the way, till we were on those mats he still stood by us, very literally. shouting at us to remind us, to urge us to fight to keep the stunts up. i'm very touched by his dedication to cheer and to our squad.

and i feel like he's getting to know all of us on a personal level. today's the most i've ever spoken to him, and here he was with all the stories of his past experiences and all his advice. it's amazing how much he's willing to share with us. and it's scary how accurately he can pinpoint all our personalities, how he knows what sort of a person we are. he guessed spot on some like personality traits of mine, how i handle relationships etc etc. amazingly strong powers of observation. he's become a coach to me, in a way i never thought possible in year1. thai camps used to be the thing to dread, but now it has become a reason to stay. i'm gonna miss oat and may :(



so nationals are over,
but there isn't that euphoric feeling of relief.
ironically, all i want is just to train, to get back on those mats.
during the debrief of our final training, deo said "it's going to be a long time before we're going to fight this hard", and i'm going to miss this. i'm going to miss being pushed to my limits, i'm going to miss learning new things.

but to my dearest teammates, i'm so proud of all that we have achieved. i'm so glad that we made it to cheerobics in the end, that we braved all the odds, we overcame all obstacles and we made it onto those mats. even when we thought we needed a miracle to make this work, we never gave up and we found our miracle. this cheerobics experience did not come easy, and as much as there are tears and sadness, the entire process has been magical. thank you for walking me through this journey of possibly the last bit of my cheer life, and possibly my last cheerobics. thank you for being there every step of the way.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 04:55

Saturday, March 20, 2010

today we had our last training.
today we did the last of our full runs on those 12x12 mats in the mpsh.

even though the competition is just tomorrow,
it isn't the nervousness that is overwhelming us,
but instead the sadness tugging at our heartstrings.

when it was down to our last run, a few of us were sitting down on the mats during the break between runs, and then "it's our last training already..", followed by a chorus of "yes, that's exactly what i was just thinking!" and then billy will go, "xxy... how ah, i'm emo.." aiya, we're just all emo la okay.

i must say our last training was a good training. which ended on a good note because we learnt the corniest, most throw-face cheer for the cheer segment tomorrow. haha damn funny, we really just wanna hide our face at the cheesiest parts. we're just doing this for the prize money and our xlb buffet okay! haha.

and then we had the most unexpected emotional debrief ever, with our captain shedding tears! i thought i'd never see the day weeps actually does weep. which made it all the more touching because he's usually just so full of rubbish and rarely does he let such a raw emotional side shine through. and one by one we all started crying as well, the girls at least. he said that he was proud "that we had come so far", and i really agree. from the possibility of dropping out of cheerobics to fighting the odds and being competition-ready the day before, we've definitely had a long and arduous journey. and we did our "final" whoosh, as this 16man-strong team of cheerobics 2010. but i was choking on the tears i couldn't even whoosh properly. then after that we were all just sitting around trying to calm ourselves down, and jingjie silently sitting next to me was feeling emo so i was like "you still have three years you emo for what!" and he said "yahh i think only got three more years that's why i emo!" sigh. what i would give to be in that sort of position.



"you won't be seeing this anymore (this 12x12 mat filling up a vast expanse of space on the mpsh floor), and we won't be fighting this hard in a long time".. and i cant imagine going from 100% down to 0%. from charging full steam ahead, to a stalled engine that halts so abruptly. i cannot imagine the emptiness that fills the life beyond tomorrow.



JIAYOU TOMORROW STEPPERS.
GO, FIGHT, WIN.
let's have our best run yet (:

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 02:26

Friday, March 19, 2010

i can't think about anything except cheerleading.
every night after we leave those mats, we come back to our computers at read each other's blogs and expectedly there would be a post about how training was today, how the squad is etc etc.

i've got a test tomorrow,
but i can't FOCUS.
my mind's all immersed in the world of cheer.

i was just reading my posts of two years ago, right around this period. and some things never change. everything applies. there's still the same emotions churning within me, the same thoughts. and it's so nostalgic, and at the same time there's this sense of deja vu. like it's all happening again.

ONE DAY TO CHEEROBICS NATIONALS.


within these two days, you'll do your last few full runs. you'll do your actual performance on saturday. and then you'll never do this routine ever again in your life. treasure it. treasure every single tiring and trying second of it. as difficult as it may be for you to imagine now, you will miss it.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 04:33

Thursday, March 18, 2010

tonight's been one of the hardest nights, at least for me.
when did i stop being able to cope on my own?

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 04:51

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

today feels like the longest day in my life.

now it feels like the preview was another day altogether,
like a yesterday event or something.
so much has happened in between already,
when i meet people and they talk to me about the preview,
i pause for awhile before realising that it was just hours ago.

anyway, the preview today felt AWESOME.
it was not a perfect routine, but at least i could really feel each and everyone's energy on the mats and the smile just came so naturally! i think the audience was awesome too, i think they helped us to keep our spirits high (: as much as i felt like dying after i almost fell off the mats from tumbling, from doing all the insane jumps and then still running for the cheer wall, from dance to the dance btoss, basically EVERYTHING- but just feeling everyone else's energy on the mats really helped me to keep pushing and pushing. it was the best run we've ever done, and i know we're just going to get better. jiayou steppers!

it feels like the longest day in my life because we started training since 4.30pm, then hurriedly prepared for preview, and then after the preview we went for dismas-alvan-weijie's dance with is the like the most tiring dance i've ever done in my entire dance life, and then we saw the steppers streaming down into the lobby with cheer shoes and deduced that there would still be steppers training after all. and even though i whine about it and complain about the fatigue, i know it's for our own good and i secretly, masochistically was still glad that we were going to have training because these few days is all the time we have left so we should make good use of every single minute left on the mats until cheerobics, especially since oat is here as well.

i think oat really makes all the difference to all of us. you can see it so clearly! oat told us before that he doesn't just coach the top teams because they are good. he chose to coach us instead of Aces, because he loves cheerleading and he wants to help those who want to learn cheerleading, not necessarily just the best. it's so sweet of him! and jaja told us that he knows that steppers is going through a hard time so he decided to come down these last few days despite all his work to give us a hand.. so sweet of him! and he teaches us alot of dao li which really makes sense even though he can be such a joker sometimes.

and it really feels like thai camp again, with all the late night trainings and the crazy pt. when the night training started i was so tired and everyone else looked so tired i was almost sure we wouldn't be doing full runs that night. but lo and behold, at like 1plus am he told us to start doing our full runs, until we can do one ASU. omg. i stared in disbelief for awhile, i think he saw it in our faces, and he was like "you think i'm kidding mai?" omg. but in the end we still managed to sorta manage an ASU (: yay steppers! see we can do it! oat tells us that our strongest competitor is ourselves, and not to think about all the other teams. and it really is true i think. i dont want to think about how we're gonna match up relative to the other teams anymore, all i want is for us to show OUR routine on that mats that day, loud and proud and that's really enough.

then he made us do suicides at the end of training! rawrrr. but it always ends up in a massage-each-other session which is super shiok (: then oat will chat with us about all sorts of rubbish stuff like tattoos and porn and boy-girl-relationships and all sorts of weird things haha. i feel like he's gotten more on a personal level with the squad, much more so than when i was in year1, which is kinda nice.




today, jianie told me, "your dream finally came true."
i guess, yes it's finally coming true.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 04:58

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

"we don't owe the routine to anyone, but ourselves."

tomorrow's preview day! and yesterday was the first time we did our full runs. i was always looking forward towards that first ever full run, to see what it felt like, to see how we'd fare. of course, it wasn't spectacular, but it's nowhere else but up from thereon, i'm sure. but it was only today that i felt it was a real full run for me, because i finally added my jianzi houshou into the routine. and it felt GREAT (i mean the houshoufan). i'm so thankful for my trip down to jaja's gymnasium today (in more ways than one!) and during that one actual full run, i felt every inch of my body protesting during the jumps and the cheer. my jumps were horrible :( and yet, i felt the energy and the vigour in everyone's cheer so it really gave me a little morale boost (: by the dance btoss, my shoelace was out and i couldn't even load in properly and i was really hoping that i'd have that extra ounce of energy to flip myself over. but all in all, i'm really happy where we are now, at least right now. i'm glad we're finally doing full runs. i was so worried the last two days when we seemed nowhere near :( and trainings were so tense and stressful, a race against time.

oat is back again (: elvina obviously dreads his return hahaha, but i'm glad for his presence. there's always a sort of comfort you can take in your coach's presence i feel. or maybe i'm just dependent. what i can or cannot do, is entirely up to whether my coach thinks i can or cannot do it. what i think, somehow doesn't seem to play much of a part. and i need a coach to push me when my fear overshadows my desire to improve. and today after training he saw how much that routine took out of us, and brought us downstairs to the c-d area to do shuttle runs! haha really feels like training boot camp, thai camp number 5/6? i cant even keep count anymore. but it was really funny doing the shuttle runs down there, something new to the squad. and there's something about going through pt and shit together that makes this feel like it's all for something, like we're all in this together.


today's trip back to the gym made me all nostalgic! the gym that jaja works at is so pretty, because it looks so new and clean and pristine and neat, nothing like the mess that ours was comparatively. even though that mess made it more like home to us right, our mess haha. and the gym though small and tucked away in some small corner of boon lay, had really all the necessary facilities. and best of all, THEY HAD A TRAMPOLINE. it's been so long since i've seen a real trampoline, like the competition trampoline. even the RSU one doesn't count. and this one felt like the guys' competition trampoline or the hwachong high trampoline actually. trampolines are like people with fingerprints haha i always thought so, each trampoline has a different sorta bounciness to it, and you have to adapt to each and every one differently. that's why we have shi chang di! haha.. first instinct was to jump on it, and forget about tumbling for awhile haha. but i realise it's bad for my back (oh yes i'm back to my salonpas days rawr)

and then i just did my jianzi houshou over and over again, and i can really feel the confidence growing! all thanks to the bouncy gym floormat (: which suddenly made me miss gym so much! where the floormat is softer and i feel so much safer and less afraid. where there's the trampoline on which i've spent countless hours on! and all the other stuff to play with like the balance beam but all i dare to do is lizhuan 360! haha i took a break from tumbling and played tramp and yay i dare to do pa still, just that it's super mega low, but it's the nanyang pa with the head tilted up! and zhuan pa too! but my tang was ultimately horrible :( haha. thought about bringing the naggers here next time for fun (: when spaz and ella and seantay come back too, perhaps! then ja and i would sit down and reminisce about the old names we used to have for our dong zuos, instead of the cheer-influenced versions. haha.



ASU ASU ASU tomorrow please! (:


"everytime you step on the mats, SMILE.
and must believe yourself."

-p'oat

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 02:26

Friday, March 12, 2010

to Canon, or not to Canon?
SIGH. binny is poisoning meee :(

anyway, ive been back to taking driving lessons! (: don't know what took me so long to get started because it's really damn funn. (okay la actually i do know what took me so long haha) and we really learn alot each session so it never gets boring! i'm gonna go outta the circuit for my next lesson which is next monday (: and the best thing is, my parents are so glad i'm finally getting my ass moving with all the driving classes that they're willing to fetch me to and fro from the driving center! haha okay i'm super pampered. i guess it's also a way of seeing me more often. but yes im so excited i can't wait to get my licenseeeee.

shall blog about the Glee gig that a few of us dancers/cheerleaders had at Play! step got us the gig and omg at first i knew that it was gonna be at a club, but i didn't know that it was at a lesbian club! it was certainly an experience, i've never been in a lesbian club before, much less perform in one. so step, chun, alexis, oli and i happily took on the gig and did up the entire routine in a total of TWO days. insane! it made me so stressed during that period because i knew i was going to mess up the steps! and i did forget steps in the end, hahaha but at least i think it wasnt too obvious? we were so nervous backstage, recapping the steps over and over again! haha the best thing was, dancing hiphop in a cheer outfit! and we had to think of steps that wouldnt look stupid in a cheer outfit hehe. coincidentally all of us that did the gig were once upon a time in steppers, except alexis but ooh she was rockin' the uniform anyhow!

so on thursday at like 9.30pm we got ready in kr and ran the dance through twice in the dance studio (totally disrupting practice that was ongoing sorry!!) and off we whizzed in step's car to maxwell! the club was still quite empty when we got there, but filled up considerably by the time we took the stage. were really super nervous. and at the bimbo glee part at the start, and the audience was laughing. i don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing! cos it was really damn bimbo la haha but it was supposed to have some of the glee cheerleaders furr right? heh. ohwell, it was tonnes of fun anyhow :D then we headed back out and just invaded a 'reserved' table that wasn't reserved for us! haha went a little crazy high and all haha but it was really super fun! reminded me of the times we had in the club during our first bash haha. if only there were more people but all the straight guys weren't allowed in the club unfortunately. haha we were saying that weeps didn't have to try very hard to convince them otherwise though :b

all in all, the gig was super fun and yay we got paid and lots of perks along with it haha. love doing gigs! hopefully more will come our way :b haha we've done two queer gigs this academic year already.. the phantom one and this glee one! seriously, funniest themes ever!


on our way to Play club!


backstage (:


(: yay like this photo!


step! the founder of steppers! haha


cheer skirts and hiphop shoes haha.
they will totally fly off if we do stunts with them!


chun (:


BFF!




loves ittt


this photo damn cuteee




gLee!


party timeee


oli (:


our dance pose for alvan's item






haha BFF damn funny!
long island teh tarik


our classic oli!


chun damn funny and oli is gone!




how we exited that night


thanks for the great night people! (:



oh and the night before the performance was quan's birthday celebration! (: couldn't join the rest for the dinner so we just surprised him in his room with a cake (: i thought it was a really nice and chill night, with just the right amount of alcohol so all of us were still sober enough for good conversations and sharing. yay we haven't had nights like this in so long. and quan's room is damn nice! with the lighting and all, it just feels like a minimalistic concept sorta room instead of a hall room. good job quan. so we stayed up rather late into the night despite the 8ams and 9ams that people were having the next day, just for the good company that happened to come together spontaneously. from stirring shit, to bitching, to sharing stories haha. hope you had a good night quan!

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 03:23

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

"keep fighting! at times like this, as long as we have each others back, nothing is impossible. steppers ♥"

-edward

"The more obstacles that are in the way and the tougher it is, the more determined you've gotta be to get through this."

-jaja

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever."


jiayou steppers! we'll fight and never give up and eventually, somehow, we'll get there.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 18:41

yet another hurdle that we have to make it through,
please let this be the last hurdle till we reach the end of this race..

it feels like the odds are all against us.
there's only so much we can persevere,
there's only so much battering this squad can take,
before it would only be futile to insist,
before it would only be foolish denial.
BUT, we're not at this stage yet.

as of now, we can't give up yet.
there's still a fighting chance.


cheerobics is next week.
its amazing how it crept up on us so fast.
but what if, the date 20th march 2010 ceases to be important to us anymore. what if, there's nothing to look forward to?

i can't imagine how it would feel if one day they arrive at that decision, and i don't want to find out. i can't even imagine it as a possibility.. no, it's an impossibility. we cannot bow out now :( i think a part of me will fall away, and there'll be this gaping hole where all of this once occupied. i know i'm gonna get over it and it'll just be another little sad story in the history of our lives, but right now it hurts. it hurts more than all the muscle aches that we've endured, all the blood shed, all the injuries and sprains and abrasions.

no doubt, the process was magical and it's the months that lead up to the actual thing that you'd really treasure the most. but still, no matter how you try and convince yourself that it doesn't matter, it doesn't take away that soreness and ache you feel in your heart. the journey would be unfinished, incomplete. there wouldn't be closure.



i really sincerely hope with all my heart that we can get through this, and that on cheerobics day we'll be able to look back on this spate of events and be grateful and blessed that we survived. we're so close now, i can picture it all in my head already. we're just one small step away from doing our first full run, and i'm full of anticipation for it. halfway through one of our runs today, i felt so, so tired, but the desire to pull the stunts and this routine together overpowers all of that. today i clasped my hands in prayer to whatever higher power above to see us through this. i don't believe in any religion whatsoever, but i don't know what else i can do. it's such a helpless feeling.


i've waited two years for this,
please let me have my last shot.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 05:04

Saturday, March 06, 2010

today, halfway through training i looked at the freshies of this batch and suddenly, i felt envious of them. i felt envious of all the time they had ahead of them. i can't imagine why any of them would want to give this up. but evidently, we're each our own sort of person. maybe hall just isn't the right thing for some of them, it isn't what they're looking for.

and i felt envious that they've learnt so much in their first year. but that just shows how we've progressed and i guess that's a good thing. in my first year, i wouldn't have dreamed of doing a scorpion, i wouldn't have dreamed of doing a lot of the things that we've had the chance of doing this year. i really wish this doesn't have to end. the other night at Play, step was so happy because she was wearing the steppers uniform again after so long. some day i'd feel like that too. i remember the excitement when we got our first set of uniforms, and i remember i was so happy (:

in some ways, i regret letting hall consume me. but in some ways, i'm glad too. i dont regret all the time i've dedicated to this place, because i feel like i've taken more away from it than it has taken away from me. as the timer is swiftly running down and my time in hall diminishes, i cant imagine moving on. but i know eventually some day i'll cope. like how i've coped all these years with change, because that's the only way to survive. lingering in the past for too long, and you'll realise the rest of the world has moved on without you. even the people with whom you have shared that precious stage of your life with, they would move on without you.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 17:38

Friday, March 05, 2010

starting to wonder if it was the right thing to do,
taking this job up..
it feels like i've been disappointing,
this was what i was afraid of..
managing people's expectations, it ain't easy.

i just hope things start looking up :(

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 22:53

Thursday, March 04, 2010

walk-to-hands
to scorpion assisted
YAY!

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 14:21

improvisation,

i can't believe i'm saying this, but i've learnt to enjoy that process. when kriss first said that we were gonna do improvisation during that practice, i was so afraid. because i felt like i didn't have the creativity to freestyle, didn't have the confidence to just let my body flow and move. but i really loved the way he conducted the practice. at first, it was very evident everyone's discomfort and rigidity. bix and i kept trying to contain our laughter as we paired up with each other.

feel each other, and just move.

i was enjoying it much by the time that practice ended. i couldn't believe it, honestly. i was really dreading it at first. and on monday we did it again for practice, and i was excited. and clearly everyone has just become infinitely more comfortable with each other and with ourselves to just move wherever our heart desires. we're all going to create this together, it's our dance. really like the concept of things. and how every performance thereon, will inevitably have a different set of improvisation, because nothing can be exact and cleaned up and neatened till it's precise and absolute.

i've learnt something new, yet again.
i feel like there's so much to learn, i need to keep improving! and then after practice melliechan came down to join us despite her work fatigue and all, i really appreciate it girl (: sitting in the dining hall for hours, from the start till the end of peter's practice and more.. haha and they were surprised to find us still sitting down there.




OH and i havent talked about THE BSB CONCERT!
a night of indulging in teeny bopper craziness and fantasies,
a night of screaming girls AND guys,
of relishing flashbacks to a childhood of fairly long ago.

i've never even really been that crazy over the backstreet boys, but it was pretty neat going there and singing all those old songs (: haha but of course i did not recognise any of their newer songs at all haha. the newest was probably.. 'incomplete'? haha but aw man it was awesome when they were singing 'shape of my heart', 'larger than life', 'i want it that way'.. they're really like the old skool favourites please! hahahaha. the whole hall was singing along! and despite the utter boybandness of the whole concert- the "slick" dance moves that really remind me of the 5th floor spoof of code red, and the occasional offbeat singing, it was really all great fun haha. it's amazing, how the fans have stuck around for so long, even after more than a decade, even after age has caught up with them.


i think a song is appropriate.. (: (:

Shape of my Heart by Backstreet Boys
Baby, please try to forgive me
Stay here don't put out the glow
Hold me now don't bother
If every minute it makes me weaker
You can save me from the man that I've become, oh yeah

Lookin' back on the things I've done
I was tryin' to be someone
I played my part, kept you in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

Sadness is beautiful Loneliness that's tragical So heal me I can't win this war, oh no Touch me now don't bother If every second it makes me weaker You can save me from the man I've become

Lookin' back on the things I've done
I was tryin' to be someone
I played my part, kept you in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

I'm here with my confession
Got nothing to hide no more
I don't know where to start
But to show you the shape of my heart

I'm lookin' back on things I've done
I never wanna play the same old part
I'll keep you in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

Lookin' back on the things I've done
I was tryin' to be someone
I played my part, kept you in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

Lookin' back on the things I've done
I was tryin' to be someone
I played my part, kept you in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

Show you the shape of my heart

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 04:38

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

i'm feeling pretty stressed out now :(
i predicted this would happen rahh.
and annoyed that i didnt do anything to pre-empt it.

i think everything's finally starting to take a toll on me, i just keep sleeping and resting during any free time that i get. and i oversleep for everything yikes. chronic deep-sleeper.

worried about so many things- about academics (but somehow that seems to be the least of my worries, not because i'm more confident but maybe cos i care less), about cheer, about dance. everyone seems to have a load off their shoulders now that ihg is over, but the fight continues on. alot of people cant seem to understand haha. but i know i chose this, and i'm gonna make it happen. it's not cheer and dance that are really killing me, because at the end of the day i still enjoy it tonnes. i just wish i didnt have to juggle it with school :(

taking on the new gig this thursday is no doubt exciting, but after the excitement has died down, i realise it's not going to be easy, adding on to my pile of worries. feeling very stressed about it now even though it's supposed to be a fun thing! i don't want to mess up on stage! one of the worst feelings in the world i swear. and i hate being on stage when im not confident. haha this gig reminds me of phantom, in the queer-ness of the theme and all. people have funny expectations honestly haha. okay must get my head out of the haze AND GET THE STEPS IN MY HEAD. omg. seriously not thinking and focusing just now i think. i'll just die when they take my mirror away :( get through with the performance and im sure a fun night will ensue (:

and i'm perpetually worried about cheer. this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me to start on my tumbling, but yet the body doesn't listen and the heart holds me back. i'm so annoyed at myself, for allowing myself to crash down to nothing-ness and having to start from zero all over again. by ihg closing i had my roundoff backflip already, only to lose it and now i have to get it back; before moving on. i seriously have major doubts in my capability, i just hope they don't expect too much. i'm feeling a little sad now, because in RSU i was doing all the three elements and it all seemed so hopeful at that time :(

but tumbling aside, i must say today's training was pretty great. productive and efficient, just the way we all like it i know. and one happy thing about today was that i learnt how to do walk-to-hands! my first successful one! haha i was so happy i yelped when i was up there. and then they were all so perturbed by my excitement.. "your happiness is out of proportion", eden said hahaha. that's quite a funny way to put it, but you must know i've never done partner stunts before.. and to go up unassisted is simply amazingg. even though it's just for fun and i won't be doing partner stunts for cheerobics, it's still the excitement of learning something new. haha i still remember how it felt when i did my first btoss backtuck (: it can be paralleled to how i felt today!

and btoss, some good and some bad. when i did that first one and juncheng went, "OHMYGOD" in this dead sea of silence my heart stopped for a beat, and so did those of my bases i think haha. but then it was followed by, "that was very good!" and i was really super happy. hope we all just go uphill from here! really hope that i can get the other btoss soon too, and stop headbutting edward in the process so that we'll still be alive for the rest of the routine! haha.


it's less than three weeks to cheerobics.
it's about one month to dance uncensored.
ohmygod.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 04:13

Monday, March 01, 2010

fear gets in the way of alot of things :(
it gets in my way all the time.
i succumb to it, and it takes a hell of a lot out of me trying to overcome it.

i keep telling myself i must do my tumbling,
but i always find a way to squirm out of it.
PUSH YOURSELF.



hurhur this is turning out to be such a self-motivating blogpost.



today i learnt something new again, which makes me happy (: even though it's not all too different, but at least it's still something. but i still lack the consistency, and the control.
i need to make this happen, i can! i need to make it feel like just another toe-touch, right ja? nothing short of perfection!

love my btoss bases because im getting so used to their tosses, and i love that they never complain and in fact, they think btosses are relaxing! which works well for all of us since i like doing btosses haha.

jingjie said, "don't worry.. its so high, you can even take a nap up there". HAHAHA. jingjie is damn funny.


i'm really afraid of injuries, not just for myself but for every single one in the squad. it handicaps you, and it's one of the worst feelings in the world. we only have a few weeks left, we cannot afford to get injured anymore. i pray for everyone to be safe and well.. no more scares, please. *crosses fingers*



in other news, the kr dance preview today was so awesome! (: really proud of krdance for the standard that they put up today! really excited for Dance Uncensored after seeing everyone's items during preview today. even though preview is such a small thing, "performing" is still exhilarating. it's like finally you get out there and show them what we've been practising so hard behind the closed studio doors. after watching all the other times, i just want to dance EVERYTHING. but i'm gonna be content with my lot (:

Dance:
A minimum of explanation,
A minimum of anecdotes,
And a maximum of sensations.
Dance, is a communication between body and soul,
To express what is too deep to find for words.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 04:38

and the best part is,
i dont even know what went wrong.

xinyi cartwheeled in the rain at 04:08