today i cancelled tuition because i wasn't up to it. i feel sad. miserable. pain.
in the past, when i watch romantic movies, i wasn't scared. when they kiss and hug and do romantic stuff together, i felt lucky and fortunate, that i have somebody so perfect for me to do all these stuff with.
now, i cringe at every inch of romance. i blink my eyes so hard to wash the images of the actors and actresses away. because i no longer have it all. i no longer have that person whom i thought was the best for me. even a small hug, the holding of a hand makes me want to cry and throw up.
so much has changed. i feel really lonely.
i no longer look forward to class outings, gatherings, chalets because it hurts so bad to see and experience those changes. i don't think i can take it. i may break down.
and why i feel all these, is because i loved too hard. i loved with all my might without caring about the consequences. and now, its hard to break away.
when you had something so good and something which you thought was perfect, and that something is taken away from you, everything else feels mediocre. you won't get back that 'perfect' again.
i was happy, and now, i don't think i can get that happiness back again. something will always be gone. a part of me will always be missing, destroyed, and taken away.
i pictured us getting married, living together etc. you don't know how far into the future i thought about us. until we grow old, with grandchildren. not once did i think of trading you for another guy. i lived my life around yours. because i thought we would last. the fights and quarrels. the reason why i don't think they are a big deal is because i thought we would be together forever and a quarrel would never break us up. i had that much confidence. its like we are married. something that small would not cause a divorce. that was the strength of the relationship, well, on my part.
and apparently, you didn't feel the same. you were always talking about not being able to live like this anymore. about breaking up. about other girls. about wanting to have fun. about being still so young that nothing is permanent. about how you don't know what the future holds.
and that's why we are different. well, for me, i sure do not know what the future has in store for us, but i'm determined to make us happen. and that was my supposed future.
i'm that naive and silly and stupid to think that we will be together forever.
it all boils down to me loving you more than you love me. i refused to accept that fact before because it hurts to think that you don't love me as much. but now i do, because the truth speaks for itself. which is why we are down this path.
i don't know when i will be able to love again. i'm not being pessimistic, but i have a feeling...
maybe never.
because when you left, besides the hurt and the ache, my confidence shattered. i don't feel good. i don't feel like i'm up to being a good girlfriend. a girlfriend that somebody someday will want to have. because i tried and i tried really hard but it's not enough for you. and i don't know who will want such a girl like me to be his girlfriend anymore.
i'm never good enough. i may never be.
