Zollinger Family

So I haven't been consistent in writing here, but that is not surprising...
We have been busy with another sweet blessing in our lives.
Jane Calise was born on Father's day
It was a special day for us. I have never missed my Dad more, but then also was very comforted in knowing that my sweet baby was coming from the presence of my Eternal Father. How amazing it is so have a baby in our home again. It has been a crazy 4 years as 3 little girls have come to our family (2 of them unplanned ;) )  I wouldn't trade these sweet beings, but I have to say that I am overwhelmed with the responsibility of being a mother to 6 children.

They are such great kids, and I love being with them, but I have also realized that I only have 7ish years left with Pat before he goes on his mission! Crazy isn't it?

I just hope that I can be the type of mother who can help them gain a testimony of our Savior and learn to serve and love others.

So school for me is over for the semester (ok, it has been almost a month, but I still feel like I just finished). I have awesome news, I earned another 4.0 this semester! I am loving my major and I feel that I have learned so much. I do also feel that I am the "old married woman" with all of these young college kids who are not married, or have just recently been married. I am majoring in Marriage and family studies.  I would like to be a counselor someday... oneday... ok, when the kids are gone.

With my Dad passing away, my Mom has been visited by many many people. When she runs into them or goes out with them they are quick to try to make her feel better about her situation. From what I can understand their conversations usually go like this:

Person: I am so sorry Carol, but what a wonderful man you were married to.
Mom: It has been hard, and I miss him
Person: How are you doing?
Mom: I am ok. My daughter (Not me, her favorite: Cathie) is making me do my banking online, and pay off my bills... or some other story about doing something she doesn't want to do.   But how are you?
Person: I am good.
Mom: So how is the family, (starts talking about their children or something)
Person: then starts unloading about all of their problems and what they are going through, and how hard their life is. Some people talk about how they don't like being retired and spending time with their husband, or how wayward their children are, or where their children are living and they don't get along with their spouses... etc.

You see, my mom is really good about not talking about how she is feeling, but getting people to talk about their lives. She is deflecting (don't tell her I said that)

I bet you are wondering why I am telling you this right? Well, it is because my mom called me recently and asked me if I was sure that I wanted to be a counselor. She gets weighed down by what people unload on her, and she internalizes it. It makes her sad and depressed and she doesn't think I can handle it. But I have realized over these past few years of these classes that I really enjoy learning how to solve problems, learning how to parent, to be a spouse, to be a mom and to be happy. I realize that it is going to be a hard job of listening to others' problems but I tell my mom (and myself) that I can't wait to help someone get through their hard times and then see through to the other side. I can't wait to help people be happy and work through their communication issues.

So, this is why I tell you this long story, because even though we can get bogged down with others and their lives, we can find ways to be happy.

I also just found out that I earned a scholarship for next year! How exciting!!!

Ok, back to your lives, find a way to be happy, and if you run into my mom, try to get her to say how she is feeling, but also remember that she is going to get you to tell her things you never thought you would, because she is a really good listener that way! :)

Today I played squinkies with my little girls, played sardines with all of the kids, wiped a few bloody noses, and sat with my husband and talked. It was a great day.
Why do I tel you this?
So you know I am surviving. I am finding ways every day to be happy.
I'm now on bedrest, the ward is bringing in meals 3 times a week,
I don't have the energy to do much, but I can find the energy to be happy.
This is my challenge for myself, to find something every day to be happy about.
So, today, it is being with my kids.
Tomorrow, who knows...
Have a good day

Yesterday was my parent's anniversary.
Last week I was listening in to a phone call with my mom and the Social security office. They first asked all kinds of questions about my mom and her information, then it was about my dad's info. They asked what day they were married, she told him, then he said "And that marriage ended on Feb. 4th, 2014, the day he died?" My mom smiled, I cried, and smiled, then she said yes; but we all know that is not true.
My parents are sealed forever. FOREVER, FOR-EV-ER. You hear that? Forever. This is why it is easier to go on, because I know that my mom will be with her sweetheart forever. He is paving the way for her to meet him (hopefully not for at least 30 years).
After that I didn't really listen to the phone call (well, until my niece started crying and I called in the cavalry to save my mom).
This post is short, but I just wanted all of you who read (you know, all 6 of you) that I know that true happiness comes from living the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that I am going to be changing the way I live, making my life better and more focused on Christ so that my mansion can be next to my Parents'. I know that I have the strongest angel up there working hard and pulling for my family to make it through the trials in this life.
Life is getting easier. Especially when life-long friends send care packages to brighten my day (Thank you Kelie and Hilarie).
This is my beautiful mom with flowers that my brother sent: in her wedding colors.
So Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad! You sure have given us kids a lot to look up to and such a great example for us to follow!

What happens when mommy has a paper to write and the girls are left to fend for themselves?
 Claire almost gets mailed to Grandma's
 Ellie wears the same pajamas for 3 days in a row
And Claire finds the chocolate

Oh, well, off to write more paper!

I just want to say thank you for all the sweet comments from my last post. I am truly overwhelmed at the outpouring of love I have received.
I am surviving.
I have 3 months left of this pregnancy and this gives me something to look forward to. I feel like I haven't had a chance to enjoy it, but I am excited for another little girl to come to our home. Poor Kellen who has to put up with all of us girls. I'm going to have to give him golf clubs and season passes to get out of the house when the girls are all teenagers.
I think I am figuring out how to survive, little things come up and we get through them. I am not trying to say it isn't hard, but we are getting by. I do have to say that I don't think I have ever studied the scriptures more, or prayed more in my life. I feel that I have developed a stronger testimony and now I am sad that it took a humbling experience to get me motivated. I guess this is how it works though, right? The pride cycle?

Well, on to better news, we had the pine wood derby a few weeks ago, I have a love/hate relationship with this scouts thing. I feel like this derby brings out the worst in people. I have to admit I get a little controlling when it comes to the cars, but I let the boys do what they want because I want them to have fun. Patrick hasn't ever done well, but he has tried. This year we tried to do a little better in the planning stages so the boys went with Kellen to Lowe's where a derby expert talked to them and gave them ideas. They had a blast and were very excited for their cars. They drew their plans and then we went to our neighbor's house to cut the cars. Then it was race day, the boys couldn't sleep.
Well, Pat took 3rd in every race he ran, which was great but not good enough I guess. He had the best attitude though and was very happy for his little brother who took 3rd overall! It was a fun day with no tears so I call it a success!
                              (Pat's car is the green with yellow stripe, and Reed's is the blue car)




Yay for Scouts, right? :)

Today is a bad day.
I have heard that when you loose someone you love the world only lets you have a month to grieve, then they want you to stop talking about it and move on. Well, yesterday was exactly one month since my Dad was called to his next mission. And I can't get over it.
I still can't believe he is gone. I still wait for him to call, or answer the phone when I call. It is hard for me to call my mom's house because I want him to answer, but I know he won't: so I just facetime my mom's cell phone.
I talked with my sister this morning for almost 2 hours. There was laughter, and a lot of crying.
It is so hard to be away from my family right now.
I wish I could be there to help my mom pay her bills (my dad always did the finances).
I wish I could be there to help call all the credit cards, utilities, and others who need to know that my dad is gone, to close credit cards, and to help my mom figure things out.
I wish I could be there to give support to my sister who lives next door and who is helping my mom figure everything out. (She says she doesn't mind, it is her way of processing and grieving. And lets face it, she is an amazing organizer and doer).
 I wish I could be there to let a child sleep over at my mom's house because my nieces have been there every night because my mom doesn't want to be alone.
I wish I could have said goodbye....
I wish I could have saved him...
I wish....

Everyone has told me things get a little easier, but mostly you just adjust to the loss and how to go on but as of right now, I don't know how to move on. I miss him. Some days are better than others. Yesterday I was proud that I didn't cry at all and today: I don't think I have stopped.

I am grateful that as I think back to all the memories I have of my dad, that they are all good memories. He is such an amazing man that was always looking out for others, who never thought of himself. This makes me want to be better, to do the same as he would do but as of right now I just want to lay in bed and cry.

I know that a lot of what I am feeling is pregnancy also. I am in so much pain every day that it makes it hard to get out of the house, to walk, or do clean. This would make anyone feel this way. I am starting to wonder if the pain is worse because of the grief.

I guess what I am trying to say is today is a bad day. Tomorrow will most likely be better, right?
I don't feel I can complain to anyone so I am writing this to maybe help me heal. I'm only 30 and I never thought I would have to feel this way so young. I told my sisters that I was jealous they have had more years with my dad. They laughed and said I was his favorite anyway. Just as my sister said at the funeral: "Everyone was his favorite". This was so true. He believed that everyone deserved your full attention. Everyone that knew him has a story about him. One day I am going to ask for these stories in paper form so I can make a book for my mom, one day when I can stop crying.

Well, carry on, thank you for reading, kiss your loved ones. Call your parents and tell them you love them.

And if any of you know how to get rid of pelvic, hip, and back pain during pregnancy, let me know. It is getting miserable. I hope I don't get put on bedrest again (as I did while pregnant with #4).

Carry on...