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I had a hard time trying to open my eyes wide and digest the truth. I thank each and everyone of you for your concern about me through your comments. I do not regard your comments as attacks or what soever. As much as you want to see me and people around you happy and live a perfect life, I do appreciate and accept all your comments and critics with transparency. If it was hard for you to see me falling in love with someone I can’t have, I know you all are well aware it must have been harder for me. And to tell you all the truth, yesterday was a HARD day for me. My mind and my heart battling each other. The facts that I am loving Ayu and that she can’t be mine, it is wrestling deep within me. And for the ladies, your opinions about Ayu from your perspective as a woman is seriously taken into account.
The assumptions that Ayu is just enjoying the affection from me, her being unfaithful to her fiance and the chances of her doing the same thing to me, her playing with my heart and all. These are real possibilities although only her herself has got the actual answers. Whatever we conclude about her, the bottomline is that I cannot be with her. And then I need to see myself in front of a mirror and analyse myself as indecisive, hypocrite and stubborn. Love, it made me do things that obeys instructions from my heart bypassing my brain. Love happens, my heart took control, dragging me into an ocean that I can’t swim, thus I drowned.
I guess I had too much to digest and absorb, but once again I thank you all for your efforts to make me realise what I have done, where have I done wrong. I might be of a fully grown up age but I know we will keep on learning the facts of life even when we are about to draw our last breath. It was a painful day, and when Eza again interrogated me with the subject of who is ‘someone’, I thought I couldn’t take it anymore. Too many things were already squeezing and battling in my mind and I wasn’t ready to be questioned with another issue. I broke down, I couldn’t take it anymore. My brains are just overloaded with data. Obliged to answer like a witness taking up the stand, I had no choice but to make things clear for her, as clear as a star on a clear night, as clear as a rainbow against a gray sky. With my last comment on the previous post, I hope it is now also clear for the rest of you. And I do not wish to talk about ‘someone’ again.
Eza, please forgive me if I was in any way harsh to you last night. I didn’t mean to and have no intentions to give a slightest scratch to your heart. My readers, I’m sorry if I have made you guys upset or ruin your happy day with my stories, and sorry if I have created arguments amongst yourself.
I need to rest now, I need a very long, uninterrupted, peaceful sleep. No dreams, just a deep sleep.
A reader and effective commentator Meela was right. I am confused and at the same time I’ve been confusing her and my readers with my indecisiveness. Although I claimed to be heartless and felt no passion or love, I was absolutely wrong. I was just confused, succumbed to love and my own stupidity. I thought I am strong, but instead I am weak like a jelly. No matter how Captain Davy Jones cut off his heart, put it in a chest and bury it on a desolate island, he will still think of his love Calypso. Meela was right, I got a buzz when she is near, answers her call like a sick puppy, sacrified sleep just to chat with her. Yes these are not the actions of a stupid man who claimed to have been out of love for Ayu. I know I was supposed to love her as a friend, but the actions I did just less than 2 hours ago really sent me back to my bottomless pit, into the deepest darkest void in my own emotions. And I realised that I am not strong after all, I am not heartless and feelingless as I claimed, that was just my stupid ego talking.
Meela suggested a check. A reality check. And hell I did, and hell I failed my test of emotional strength. I’m not a statue of iron, I’m a statue made of chocolate on a scorching desert. Here’s the check. Ayu was flying off to Europe again today, so as promised we met up before I move. It must have been months since I last saw her in person. So we met at our usual meeting point at the airport, I can see her smile at me from miles away. Sweet, cute as always, her soothing expression sent me legless. We were speechless in the beginning, didn’t know what to say, we just smiled all along.
So I tried to start a conversation, more whispers than talking. Asked her how is she doing, little talk about work and stuff. I knew my hands were cold and trembling. I told her this might be our last meeting before I move and she gave me that kind of look and then she whispered, “Ntah ah..” like she didn’t want to accept the fact that I’m moving. But of course I have to. Before she left, I didn’t say any sugar coated words, but I kissed her hand and then her forehead. I can’t help it, like I said earlier, I am weak. When love happens, we lost. I know we shouldn’t be doing this, but yea, love made me do things I’m not supposed to. And to continue this type of relationship with her will be a never ending story. But yea! This is love, love happens in a million complicated ways.
I saw her walk into the departure lounge and she turned back to look at me and smiled. I don’t know when will I see her again, I’ll be moving already when she returned. That was supposed to be our last time seeing each other, but from the look of it, this might be only the beginning. Oh God! And I totally forgot about ‘someone’, it’s like she never existed now, just the way she made me feel I don’t exist in her life!
Again, chatted with Ayu last night and continued SMSing after that until 1.30 a.m. and chatted again this morning. We talked about movies and the places we’ve travelled to. She’s been ‘surfacing’ for the past few days yea. She’ll be going on a week business trip tomorrow and I might see her off at the airport. After all, this might be the last time we see each other before I move.
The talks about our travel experiences, Ayu said she really wanted to go to Paris. So I shared with her my Paris stories few years ago. She kinda enjoyed it although I kept telling her Paris is a dirty place. Dog dirt here and there, people pissing on the walls and pungent drain water flowing on the road sides, conmen and pickpockets everywhere. I won’t call it City of Love after all, but Ayu still insisted she want to go there. Oh well, it’s still worth a visit though. I still enjoyed the ride up to the top of Eiffel Tower, the Seine river cruise, Moulin Rouge and the Pigalle red light area and the climb up Montmartre. So I guess it’s alright for her to see such places. How I wish I am the one to bring her around.
For the past two days, I’ve been chatting and SMSing with Ayu apart from my daily SMSs with Fizz and at times Cute Little Hana. I don’t know where is Eza and how is she doing, guess she must be busy. My conversations with Ayu, just the usuals. Talks about work, jokes and from movies, music to furnitures.
Last night we talked about marriage and wedding photographs. I said I will recommend her my photographer friend to cover her wedding, but instead she wanted me to take the photos for her. I declined for two reasons, first I’m very lousy in taking photos especially on an event such as a wedding. I’ve seen my photographer friend at work and it’s not easy as it may seem. Second, I told her I can’t stand seeing her getting married and it will hurt me bad. Can’t imagine seeing her sitting on the pelamin with the man she’s going to spend the rest of her life with.
“Napa plang inda mau? Oh well, inda apa lah, actually inda plang me mau you ambil gambar. But will you come to my wedding?” Ayu asked.
My reply, “Sedih jua me tu liat Ayu besanding. I will come though, but awal me balik, me call Ayu saja before Ayu kahwin ok? If me kahwin Ayu datang or not?”
“Aik! Indakan balik awal? Tani begambar dulu sama-sama batu tah you boleh balik. If you kahwin? Kalau kena jemput! You ani! Macam tah me kan kawin any sooner!”
Hehe…Ayu, Ayu! She must be kidding me. Told her I can’t stand seeing her bersanding and yet she still insist to take photos with me on her wedding day? Mun faham bisai! She can be funny sometimes, that’s why I love her 🙂
I haven’t got chance to visit my friends’ house this Raya. I missed out Cute Little Hana’s and Ayu’s open house, didn’t even crashed My Star and Rainbow Eza’s or Fizz’s crib. Didn’t even go to some of my cousins’. My family is just so big and it will take me months to visit each and everyone of them.
Of all the people in the header banner, I only met my buddy Amal so far and it was yesterday, it was by chance. We were supposed to go for lunch but she was too stuck with work, so I just dropped by to her office just. She was happy to see me, still salam me cium tangan and all, just like those old days.
“Pikir inda mau jumpa me raya-raya ani.” she said.
“Mau eh, lagipun if I move nanti payah tah me see you.”
She gave me that sad look. We talked for a while catching up on things, about work and all. Her sister is getting married next year and Amal seems sad that she haven’t got anyone yet. I know she’s leading a lonely and complicated life, perhaps that’s her choice. All I can do is comfort and support her.
We used to go out so often few years back, almost every day every night. In fact everyday we went to work together since we stayed 5 minutes away. Everyone thought we were couples but we just ignored the gossips coz we know who we are. There was even a wild gossip sparked by someone who has got nothing better to do about us ‘berasmaradana’ at the parking lot. Haha! I’m not that crazy enough to do crazy stuffs in public. We’ve had out shares of ups and blonde moments, hanging out together, crusing the highway, watching sunsets and dancing the night away. Not to mention our downs especially when Amy passed away, we tried hard to accept the fact that Amy is gone, but yea we managed. Having each other helped a lot.
Then Amal moved to KB, we drifted apart and spent less time together, but that does not change our buddyship. We know we’re always there for each other even though we don’t see much of each other. I know friends come and go, there are people you can actually call a friend while others are just “friends” but one thing I know for sure, Amal will forever be a true friend.
Few years back, there was this girl at work who frankly admitted that she admired me. Let’s just call her Zee. She’s a nice girl, pretty and hot too. We communicated through e-mail, she started to call me ‘syg’ and all the manja-manja stuffs a girl would do. But there’s just one thing about her which made me scrap her off the list. She’s inconsistent and she’s the type who didn’t fulfil her promise. I call this ‘kepala angin’ and honestly I don’t work with these type of people.
That time I was about to give her a try, so we planned to meet up for lunch at Riverview. I ended up waiting for nothing, she did not turn up. I texted her and she kept on saying she’ll make her move shortly as there were some last minute work she needed to attend. Our lunch hours ran out so I left empty handed and empty stomach.
When I reached the office, she sent me an email saying sorry she could not make it coz her car was blocked and perhaps another 1001 reasons. Ahh I didn’t reply, it’s not worth wasting my time and effort to deal with jokers like that. If it was true her car was blocked she could have just called me or text me right? Won’t take 30 seconds of her time.
So I kept my distance, everytime she send me emails I gave her excuses such as busy and all. I even introduced her to a celibate friend of mine, hoping maybe they can fit in together. Apparently Zee also did not turn up on him, I felt sorry for my friend, I should not have matchmade them. So we concluded Zee is just a major waste of time despite her pretty face.
Throughout the years, I found out that she’s married, in fact her I was told by her own sister, sister-in-law and her office mates. It was just a small nikah function and I was not supposed to know that she’s married, but eventually I found out hehe. It’s a small world and for a person who knows a lot of people like me, gaining information like this isn’t much of a problem.
Now, here’s the things. She’s currently working at this new place where I’ll be moving next month. And after she found out that I’m moving there, she emailed me out of the blues yesterday saying that she’s looking forward to see me there. In fact she already have plans to have breakfast with me every morning or walk from the parking lot to work. And the biggest turnoff is when she said she still miss me.
So I thought, this must be the time for me to force the truth out of her, so I asked her if it is true that she is already married. And guess what? She denied! She simply said that she’s still available. Hmm! Sorry but I am not dumb enough to know the truth, especially when the truth is crystal clear. Oh well, a joker is always a joker, a kepala angin is always a kepala angin.
Now how am I gonna face my new work place having people like her around? There is no way on God’s green earth that I will ever go out with her. I’ve had flings with engaged women and there is no way in seventh heaven I’m gonna get involved with a married woman. It might be a thrill to some but it’s just not my game.
Ahh I guess I’ll just have to figure out my way out once I move there.
Found this in my e-mailbox so I’ll just share it. 33 things about guys.
1) Guys don’t actually look for good looking girls. They prefer neat and presentable girls.
2) Guys hate flirts.
3) When a guy says he doesn’t understand you, it simply means you’re not thinking the way he is.
4) Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.
5) When a guy really likes you, he will disregard all your bad characteristics.
6) Guys go crazy over a girl’s smile
7) Guys will do anything just to get the girl’s attention.
8 ) When you tocuh a guy’s heart, there’s no turning back.
9) When a girl says “no”, a guy hears it as “try again tomorrow”
10)You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly.
11) Guys love their mums.
12) A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses.
13) A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn’t mean that the guy likes her.
14) You can never understand him unless you listen to him.
15) If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime, he does.
16) Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half the face of the earth faster than girls can.
17) Like Eve, girls are guys’ weaknesses.
18) Guys are very open about themselves.
19) It’s good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don’t let him wait that long.
20) Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty. Even a small dot.
21) Guys really admire girls that they like even if they’re not that much pretty.
22) If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don’t need to give advice.
23) A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.
24) Guys keep secrets that girls tell them.
25) Guys think too much
26) Guys fantasies are unlimited.
27) Girls’ height doesn’t really matter to a guy, but her weight does.
28) Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possessive. So watch out girls.
29) Guys are more talkative than girls are especially when the topic is about girls.
30) You can truly say that a guy has good intentions if you see him praying sometimes.
31) If a guy says you’re beautiful, that guy likes you.
32) Guys hate girls who overreacts.
33) Guys love you more than you love them IF they are serious in your relationships. Doesn’t this all make sense?
My weekend started with an early morning MSN chat with Ayu, again she whined about me moving, about her ever ‘magnetting’ fiance, etc. Oh well I can’t say much about her fiance, after all it’s their relationship and I am not in the capacity to say anything. About me moving, I told her I still can send her notes to her mailbox through internal mail. Let’s see if I’m gonna have the time for that though.
Ayu said she want to see me before I move, or at least try to see me. I’m not hoping for this to happen actually, but of course, me myself, I would love to see her before I move. Before she logged out, she ended up saying “sayang u” to me and I was like *gedebukk*. I got knocked down, but I get up again. I think I’m feeling numb and heartless already.
I didn’t go to her open house coz I have to attend to my non-stop guests, and not to mention lot’s of open house invitations. It’s the 2nd week of Raya and it’s the open housing season for the next 3 weeks. I haven’t been to some of my friend’s place, even missed out Cute Little Hana’s open house on the 2nd day of Raya. I’m sorry sis.
I was chatting with MY Star and Rainbow this afternoon when beep beep, an incoming text message came in. I felt cold all over when I saw the name on the screen. Ayu! Yes it was from Ayu, inviting me to come over to her open house on Sunday. My God! Why on Sunday when I am fully booked? There is no way I’m gonna cancel other appointments. Ahh well, so I replied explaining to her that I could not make it. So yea, I asked Eza if I should give Ayu a call since it’s been a long time I didn’t talk to her. My Star and Rainbow said yes, call her as a friend.
I was indecisive at first but I did made the call, tried to change my voice just to surprise her a bit, but the moment she heard my voice, she gave a long “Hiiiiiiiiiiii”. Ahh no chance to tease her, she recognised my voice. So we talked for a while, again the tone of her voice sounded sad coz I’ll be moving soon. And again she said,
“Nada tah ada letter lagi dalam my mailbox ni.”
Well, I still can send her notes through internal mail though.
I thought she threw away all the notes I gave her all this while, you know, just to be safe from the daily ‘spot checks’.
“Inda kan dibuang, mestilah me simpan.” she said.
She still keep them in her locker and she will read through it once in a while. Hmm so sweet. Didn’t expect she still appreciates those cheap short notes. Somehow she appreciates me and my feelings even though I don’t know what exactly she feels for me. She do have a feeling, she do love, but to a limited extent. My Star and Rainbow said actually Ayu does not have the loyalty I look for in a woman, otherwise she wouldn’t have a hidden feelings to anyone other than her fiance. Oh well, love happens! That’s the only explaination I can find.
I can’t help saying “I miss you” to her. And she replied with the most soft and manja voice I’ve ever heard from her,
“I miss you tooooooo…”
Enough to sweep me off my feet, but I’m glad I’m still standing. After all, it was just a friendly call just like Eza said, nothing wrong to call Ayu as a friend.
Keyword: “But me tunang orang udah.”
Speaking of chatting with My Star and Rainbow, today she insisted me to tell her who is this ‘someone’ and she was really serious to know about it. I felt like a criminal in an interrogation room, blinded by the 100 watt tungsten light in front of me. Eza said I shouldn’t be keeping secrets from her, being My Star and Rainbow. Yes you are right my dear, I shouldn’t be. I ended up giving her the name and vague description of who is ‘someone’. But I know Eza will ask more and more until she is satisfied 🙂
So here’s a little description I gave My Star and Rainbow. Her name is ‘Siti’, Eza insisted to give the full name, there are lots of Siti around, even her name has got Siti, so does Ayu’s name. She is the same age as Eza. Not working yet. She’s beautiful, pretty, gorgeous and sweet. Jokingly Eza asked who’s prettier, this ‘someone’ or her. Haha, well I don’t want to compare anyone, there is a beautiful person in each and everyone of us. I fell for ‘someone’ because of her personality, her loyalty. Not because of her looks, otherwise I would have fallen for her from the first day I saw her. She beautiful alright, so then that’s a bonus.
‘Someone’ reads my blog almost everyday, I know, coz I chat with her almost everyday too, or at least when we got the chance. And then, she’s taken. So there, I’ll step back for her own happiness. I can only love her as a friend and I don’t want to lose that. Now that she’s reading this, all I ask from her is at least she appreciate how I feel, just the way Ayu appreciates me. I’m not asking for anything more than that, all I ask for is an appreciation as a friend. That’s all. Even if she’s gonna hate me after this, the only answer I can give her is that love happens. Sometimes it happens when you least expected it, it took time to realise even if the person has always been by our side for some time. I just hope she will understand.
Still not clear right? I’m sure My Star and Rainbow will keep on asking me more and more high level questions the next time we chat. And so does my readers. Keep on wondering people. Like I said, I’m trying to bury this feelings for her own happiness.
There was a chance to see Ayu yesterday. It’s been a long time I didn’t see her, her cute face and sweet smile. When we texted each other on the first day of Raya, she told me she saw me somewhere in Sengkurong. But obviously she can’t do anything coz she was with her fiance.
I’d be lying if I say I don’t miss her. But love? I don’t know. I feel numb and heartless right now. Love as a friend maybe. I haven’t thought of falling in love again, my heart is just too shattered for that.
That was my only chance to see Ayu before I move to my new office. Apparently I didn’t go. I don’t know when will I see her again.
“But me tunang orang dah.”
First day of working after Raya, more than half of the office population was still on Raya leave. Hehe people just can’t get enough of Hari Raya yea, but the good thing is all the free food. I’m not in the mood to work myself, need to refresh my mind before I move.
All I can think of is ‘someone’.
Play this song! I’m sure it’s the most requested song right now. It’s really a sweet song but I don’t know who to dedicate it to, except to my loyal readers.
The first day of Hari Raya, as usual I sent text greetings to my friends, especially those who I have not greeted which includes Ayu. And she was so prompt to respond, just less then 30 seconds after I hit the Send button. Hehe.. So we texted, catching up on things. She sounded sad that I’m moving.
“Makin jauh tu eh. Napa u kena tukar?”
“Nda tah ada notes tuk me ni nanti.”
Those were the words she said. She still loves the attention, but being some kind of a side dish is something I can’t live with. Only to be eaten when there’s nothing else to eat. But I still care about her, I still do love her, but I’ll have to confine that to a strict limit no more than just friends. “But me tunang orang dah”, remember that Zul. Oh well, all I have left to do is to cherish our relationship. Somehow Ayu appreciates me and my feelings in her own way. She thoroughly respects my feelings and she never took it differently or negatively. The problem is just one; “but me tunang orang dah”. Otherwise I’m pretty sure things would have been different and we agreed to that.
My Raya was as simple as the man himself. No new baju raya, no fancy stuffs. I just wear whatever I have. I just praise and thank God for passing a whole month of fasting, full of physical and spiritual tests, not to mention the emotional tests. I still live, I still survive. Life goes on, no love is as great and ultimate as God’s love, anything else is short-lived.
With regards to ‘someone’, I think I have said it all in my previous post. With a heavy heart, I decided to back off for the sake of her happiness and our friendship. I know there is nothing wrong loving a friend as a friend is someone we know, someone we feel comfortable with, someone we can confide to. But should things go wrong some day, things will never be the same again. So I’ll just keep this feelings deep inside within myself
I know I’ve been on hiatus for the past few days, I’m really sorry guys. I just needed some time alone with my own thoughts, looking for the true meaning of life, love, friendship and most of all what’s my purpose in this life. I didn’t stop blogging though, instead I kept a draft on what’s going on and what I feel during my silence.
The eve of Hari Raya was filled with the melodious and harmonious recital of the Takbir, celebrating the glory of a month of fasting. On a night like this, I can only think of one person, a lovely friend, her cute face, her sweet smile, her laughter, her giggles, those I will never see again. None other than Late Amy. It was the Hari Raya’s eve 2005, last 2 years, it was when me made peace with each other after didn’t talk for quite some time.
I still clearly remember our text conversation exactly as it was,
“Zul, ku kan minta maaf dari ujung rambut ke ujung kaki pasal nda betagur with u langsung. Selamat Hari Raya.”
“It’s ok Amy, lupakan tah whatever yang sudah2. Friends?”
“Yea, friends :-)”
Our friendship rekindled, from then on flourished once again, on that holy night with the Takbir recital all around me. Little did I know that she would leave within few weeks time. Gone home to where she belong, to where us all belong. God loves her more than we do. I pray she’s happy up there, she deserves it
Amy, I miss you. Your smile, your laughters, your giggles. Amy, I’m hurt down here. Love hasn’t been kind to me, if you’re still here I know I’d turn to you. Amy, I’m tired of falling in love, I’m tired of being hurt. My nights are starless and my days are rainy. Sometimes I just can’t stand it anymore, but I have faith. If only I can ask you to take me with you, if there is a chance, please take me with you Amy. Wish I had the chance to say goodbye and say I love you, but no angel would bring you back even for just 5 minutes. Only God can do that but I’m sure He won’t grant me that wish. Amy, you were my good friend and you will always be. I love you Amy, we all love you.
Amy, I’ve been in love with someone’s fiance. I know she loves me too, but we just can’t be together. If you’re still here, I’m sure you would stop me from falling. And now I’m confused about ‘someone’. I’m trying to control the feelings I have because she’s my friend, I don’t want to ruin the friendship as it is something valuable. I’m pretty sure that I don’t misunderstand or abuse the meaning of friendship because I believe that love happens, just like the rain, just like a storm, just like a sunny day. It didn’t matter when or where or who, love just happens! But for the sake of friendship, for the sake of her happiness, I have to back off and bury this feeling deep inside my heart. Not a word spoken to a single soul, only I know, only God knows. I just want her to be happy, that’s all I wish for.
Amy, if you’re still alive, you’ll be the one to hear all what I have said, but I know that you’re listening to my heart from up above. I miss you Amy, if I should go to heaven, the first person I wanna meet will be you. May Allah bless you and bestow you with eternal happiness and glory. Amin!
p/s. Thank you guys for looking out for me and sorry coz I didn’t respond to any comments. Didn’t mean to leave you guys in waiting or worrying about this simple man.
This should be a reply to the comments in the previous entry. Its a bit too long for the comment box so I decided to put it up as a separate post.
Guys…keep on wondering who is ‘someone’ .. I’m just gonna bury it all 🙂
Anyway, this might be a little early for Hari Raya wishes but I’d just do it while I still have my breathe to do it. Wishing you all Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin, please forgive me if I have any wrongdoings or said something in this blog which might offend or hurt anyone’s feelings.
My Star and Rainbow, thanks for being such a great friend who have always been a helping hand, both with business and emotional matters, please stay shining and colourful for me, always be My Star and Rainbow. I love you. Always.
My Cute Little sister Hana, we might not be blood sisters but you are as wonderful as one, your cuteness and cheers have always brightened my darkest days. Thanks sis, I wonder how’s my life gonna be without you. I love you.
Fizz, although we’ve just know each other last month, but seems like I’ve known you for ages, we’ve shared a lot about so many things and we went mental a lot too. Thanks for being always there whenever I need someone to talk to. I love you.
My buddy Amal, I know you don’t know about this blog. I know I’ve been hiding a lot from you, please forgive me. We’ve gone through ups and downs, tears and laughters together and we will always be there to support each other. I love you.
Ayu, also you won’t be reading this. Please forgive me if I have messed up your life, forgive me if I ever put you in trouble. Forgive me if I ever put you in a confusion. I love you.. as a friend.
My loyal readers and commentators, those who have linked me and those who’s blogs I always read. Thank you for your support. You’re the reason I am alive, boosting me with your encouraging words and making me stronger. Please forgive me if I ever said anything harsh and offensive. Thank you. I love you all!
I’m tired, tired physically and emotionally, and I wanna rest from it all. I wanna sleep, as long as I could, sleep with never ending sweet dreams, even if it has to be forever.
Good night everyone!
Ok that’s it. I don’t doubt it anymore. I love you.. Confirm… I love you.. my dear ‘someone’. Don’t ask me how it happened, don’t ask me where am I headed.. coz I don’t want to think about that anymore. All I know is I love you.. I don’t wanna think of anything else, my past or my present problems. I just love you. Even if we are not destined to be together, I love you. I don’t want to be in denial, I don’t want to fight with my own feelings, I’m sure that I love you. Even if your heart didn’t return my call, I still love you.
I don’t care what people say, even if they say I fall in love easily, yes I do love you. I don’t care what you think of me, call me a pest, but I still love you. You don’t have to accept me, you don’t have to love me, but I still love you. You can have all the fun in this world, you can do whatever you want, you can be with anyone you want, but I still love you. You can love someone else, you can break the only heart I’ve got, but I still love you. You can be mad at me if I should tell you, you may spit on my ugly face, but I still love you.
I’m not confused anymore, I realised too late that I really love you. But for you, I will swallow this sweet poison, I know it’s a poison, but it’s just so sweet and irresistable. My dear ‘someone’, I have a universeful of words to say to you. But I just don’t know how to express it to you except this three little words that tells it all. I love you. Wish I can talk like this in front of you, and when that happens, my mouth will only say ‘I love you’.
I love you, I can’t think of anything else better to say but I love you. I don’t care about anything else, I just love you, my dear ‘someone’.
Update: Oh God…love is hurting me. I don’t want to fall in love ever again. God help me pleaasse.. Please God, I want this to end. I want this to end.
My boss told me that I’ll be moving to a new location far from my current office, far from Ayu’s office. New environment, new people. The good thing is it’s extra money 😀 but the bad thing is not that I’m gonna be far from Ayu, but I’ll be far from my lovely colleagues. I’m gonna miss them. I don’t know if my future colleagues will be as lovely as them though but I hope they do. For the past few years, me and my lovely colleagues have gone through ups and downs together, all the laughters and tears. Having each other made us survive and endure the bosses’ politics. I’m gonna miss squeezing ourselves in one car for lunch at Cafe Au Lait but I’m sure once in a while we will do it again.
I left a note on Ayu’s mailbox, I know she’s still on holiday. Just a simple note with a hint that I’m moving on with my career and love life.
“Dear Ayu, I’ll be moving soon to (the new location). I might not see you again.”
It’s not that I’m ending the friendship, she will still be my friend no matter what. I’m just moving on. After all, I don’t have to deal directly with her office anymore, so there’s no worries about having us bumping into each other. The chances are reduced. Hehe!
Oh well, there is ‘someone’ to think of 🙂
Dear ‘someone’, I love you. You don’t have the slightest idea about this, but I love you.
Dear ‘Someone’
Love is a poison, a sweet poison, like an expired chocolate. I don’t know how I kindled this feelings for you, it came all of a sudden. You don’t know about this and I haven’t decided if I am going to tell you or not, but one day for sure you will know. Either by me telling it to your face, or if I don’t live to that chance, someone else will tell you. I thank you, because of you I managed to drastically ease my feelings for someone I should not be loving. Although you don’t have to love me back, and I’m not hoping for anything from you except the friendship we always have.
The more I am in denial of my own feelings, it somehow gets stronger, so does my confusion. I can’t think of anything else except you. I have fallen again, but I have to be strong, coz I know I am just one of the stars in your life, one with a lesser shine and weak twinkle. I’m thinking on the negative side of course, but it helps me to be strong. All I wanna do is to say the three little words to you and kiss your hands, and then I’ll be gone just like a storm on your sunny day.
Why now do I fall for you? Why not the first time we met? It’s not that I don’t believe in love at first sight but if it was because of beauty, I could have fallen for you since day one. There is something in you which I haven’t found in any other women in my life. It’s something called loyalty, something called faith.
My dear ‘someone’, I don’t know what else to say for now, except I love you.
Just a reminder to all those who know me in real life, especially those who I always mention in this blog. You are NOT to disclose my true identity or any of my affiliation to anyone, any single soul. I trust you all with all my life, please respect my decision to protect my anonymity the way I protect yours.
Thank you
Just another lazy Sunday morning, came home around 3am last night after hanging out with some friends and a solo highway cruise to kill the time. Fizz was around the area and I thought of seeing her but somehow it didn’t happen. Hehe, maybe next time Fizz. Otherwise it would have been my first time seeing her. I didn’t sleep the moment I got home, did some stuffs on my pc and I hit the sack around 5am and here I am fresh at 10am and blogging.
I’ve got numerous questions on meebo, especially with regards to who is ‘someone’. Hehe, I sure did created one hell of a stir didn’t I? I can’t tell for the time being people, and I’m not sure if I am gonna tell. I thought of spilling the beans to her but when come to think about it, I don’t want to gamble the friendship coz I can’t afford to lose it. But I am the type of person who will tell her if I like someone, I do not expect her to love me in return, and I do not expect or hope for anything. I’d just let her know and I’ll be relieved to know that she know. Ahhh let’s see. I’ll just keep quiet for the time being.
My Star and Rainbow Eza asked me if this ‘someone’ is one of the characters on the header. Hehe well IF she is, that’s gonna leave either her or Amal then. Can’t be Ayu, Fizz or Cute Little Hana. Heheh! I know I am making her really curious but yea, she will find some day, sooner or later.
Now somebody please help me out here. I was talking with ‘someone’ and she was talking about some other guy. Well, I managed to keep my cool though but then all of a sudden, there is a gush of some unexplicable feeling overwhelming me deep inside, some sort of.. envy.. jealousy, something like that. Now people, why am I feeling such a thing when it’s not her first time talking about other guy? I’m sure I’ve heard her thousand of times but why now do I feel this way? I was never jealous when Ayu mentioned her fiance, maybe coz I know where I stand.
I know I’m drastically letting myself succumbed to my own feelings. Like I said yesterday, maybe I’m just lonely although I’m surrounded with lovely people everyday, meeting new people, my lovely friends and colleagues. No matter how busy you are, somehow there will be a time when that little empty space in your heart craves to be filled. I just need to express this love and shower it to someone who deserves it, but bear in mind, I don’t pick randomly ya.
And if I should tell this ‘someone’ how I feel towards her, I’m sure she’s in for a shock of the century, if not she know already but acted as if she didn’t. Buang kes nya orang. Well let the feelings be expressed here in my blog for the time being. I will tell her when I’m ready, might be sooner than expected, or might be later or never. Heard the phrase ‘its now or never’? Hehe I’ll consider that.
Oh well…
Dear ‘someone’, I’ve been thinking a lot about you, and I think I am in love with you, and whenever I say that I love you, I just want you to know that I really really do! You don’t have to love me back, but I will still do! You might be mad, but love is just what I have for you.
Feelings change like the wind, like the waves eroding the coast. Today we feel like this, the next second we feel different. When a man decided to do something in his life and failed, he will move on and try on other things, or he would just stop right there. The pursuit of happiness, I guess it’s a never ending, long and winding journey. But one has to go through it, leaving past the sorrow.
Now this left me in a state of confusion. Big time! Fighting with my very own feelings although I think I am still in control at this stage. My attention and passion is slowly diverting, and I don’t know why, it has moved to a certain ‘someone’. I feel that this ‘someone’ is also beyond my reach, just like the earth and the sky, from the Sun to Pluto. Well, at least she’s not engaged though. I have never thought that this feelings can suddenly change this quick, nor that I expect I’m gonna start to ‘like’ this ‘someone’. I’ve known her for quite sometime, although I might not know her in depth. But there’s something about her which attracts me, yes she’s got the looks but there is also a package about her. But but, as I said, I feel she’s just beyond my reach and I’m very sure I’m not even in her Top 20 countdown.
Friendship is the main factor I value the most. I have decided to keep this sudden feelings to myself at this stage, except to certain trusted confidants, they know who they are. I gotta let it off my chest somehow. I won’t be revealing my passion and care for this ‘someone’ for the time being taking into account some points. One, our friendship which I will always cherish, and I don’t want to ruin that. Two, for some reasons I don’t want to hurt her, especially with my past about Ayu and stuff. She’s just too precious to be scratched, I just want her to be happy and I fear that I can’t give her the happiness she deserves. Three, my past left a big crater in my heart and I don’t want to be hurt again. Sounded like I’m scared but yea, at least for the time being, I don’t want to fall so deep again although I’m well aware of the risks in love.
After all, I don’t even know what exactly I am feeling for this ‘someone’. Like is imminent, but love.. hmm maybe there is, to a certain extent but if I keep on watering it, it’ll grow. I can’t say at the moment. All I know is that I’ve been thinking a lot of this ‘someone’ and I do really care about her. It’s just that I don’t know why now, why all of a sudden. I’m confused, no matter how much I tried to deny my feelings. Maybe I’m just feeling lonely and desperate, but hey, I’ve known this ‘someone’ long before I’ve known Ayu. So why now?
So yea, let this feelings be confined within my heart, and this blog. Dear ‘someone’, I care for you and no matter what, I will always do.
Cinta Is Love 
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