I have returned from my scouting mission to Italy.   I know more now, and that has made the decision even harder.  I also have more clarity about just how much my heart is struggling to give up on my dream of being a mother now in my little cottage in New Zealand while working part time at my mother-friendly workplace.  But  I must move on and I am finding hope in the most unexpected places.    There is nothing to say that I can’t be a mother or that I won’t be able to parent in New Zealand, but it is not going to be this year.  I think I can learn to deal with that.  And I need to be gentler with myself for the reality that I am still not 100% okay with the fact that my time is not now.