I have met up with a dear old friend from my study abroad days. She is 100% mum now and the most delightful type. We stay up late talking about everything and anything over wine. During the days, its all playing with her delightful son. Helping with playdates. Trying new ideas out to help him communicate his wonderful ideas and insights. Inventing ideas on the fly to help smooth out the tearful moments.

I find myself talking about this blog in real life now.. I mention my anonymous blog. I also talk about the DE stuff a lot more.

And it just comes up more.

I asked a dad at a playdate what he did.. engineering.. now working on tech to help embryologists do various repetitive procedures. Just dove in to ask what he knew about how much the skill of the embryologist changes outcomes etc. The way people might talk about cars or something. Just another adult things, like mortgages, people think about and discuss, regardless if you have personally signed up for it.

Another friend from years back that I mostly know from a social dance scene also was talking about lots of adult things. Housing market, tax advisers, economies, expat visa drams… you know my normal chat over wine lately… and when I told him about how I opted to invest so much of my savings into the DE thing. He just was so lovely. Just spot on. It was a sincere ‘I’m so sorry’ with absolutely no pity.

But more than anything, I am realizing that I am in a new place. I am getting so many compliments about how handy I am to have around kids. My mom/dad friends love having me come stay. They call it a vacation to have me as a house guest. The kids love me so much. This used to be a bit salty… why would the gods keep me from mothering when clearly this is what I am born to do.

But maybe it isn’t in the cards. Maybe my destining is to do this really well in short bursts and help the exhausted, sleep deprived, day-in-day-out drained parents of the world get their spark back.

And it has been nice hearing my friends who are on the property ladder and looking like they are in much healthy financial situations that I am (for the moment) state the obvious… but Clare, what would you regret more — not having tried to have kids.

Exactly. I have tried. And I am still going to try a bit more. One last push to save up and go again. I have two embryos waiting me in Spain and a friend who can come down to NZ. I have to do a bunch more tests to make sure that the 3 DE cycles weren’t taking because of something in me. I have to sign back up for the adoption track too. And more than anything, I need to build my professional life back up so I have livelihood again to sustain me now and hopefully a much bigger us.

I have spent a week helping a little 3 year old learn to wait. I can apply those skills to me as well.

I think the trick of waiting is the same for him as it is for me… to make sure everything is in place and then find some mindful way to pass the time so you aren’t ‘killing time’ but living it and moving forward.