Today things are flowing… I just feel good. The sun is out.  The weather is warm, but not yet too hot.  My man is back in town after a 2 month separation (visas.. immigration.. seriously, can’t something be smooth sailing!).  I just got back from a whirlwind tour of Ireland where two different talented people in my field did everything they could to make me feel talented and valued too. 

And so on this wave of contentment, after a nice coffee and pastry and ice cream tour of Genova with my husband, I curled up for a bit of internet time.

and then BAM all of facebook was father’s day this and father’s day that.  The tide commercial. The wow my husband is the best dad ever. The photos. the videos of kids saying cute things and fathers doing amazingly sweet things.

And that is when the tears flowed.  I know my husband is not pinning for fatherhood. he is more of the type to enjoy what life gives him, go with the flow, and put his energies into what he can control rather than fretting about what is lacking.  But unlike mother’s day, which passed with little fanfare here and with little impact on my heart this year, the father’s day bit slays me this year.  I suspect the same reasons that make me want to see my partner be dad for years and years and years are the same reasons why so many of my friends are FB posting about how amazing it is for them to see their partner be a parent.  It is nice to see the ones you love be loved… be good.. be at one with the world.

And obviously, being a parent is only one way where that sometimes happens.  But the ways my man is great, loved by many, and at one with his universe often aren’t that hallmark worthy in our culture.  Rest assured in the world of robot design — he is appreciated — but I doubt any of my friends would gush over videos of Clare’s husband being the lab’s best robot builder. 

And the thing is.. I do gush a bit over my friend’s videos.  I love seeing that guy I once knew as the drunk dancer be the silly dancer with a 2 year old. I love seeing this new version of these guys I knew first as the guy seeing my friend. Its both grown up and playful.  I am such a sucker for that mix of older wiser, and suddenly more in tune with their kid side.

So I shed a few tears of longing.. brush myself off.. .and head back out into the sunny Italian life to try to find a kite to fly, some sea to splash in, some birds to chase through the piazza and try to find that spark of careful joy I effortlessly find when playing with my friends kids and work hard at when it is just my husband and I.  We manage though.. we have it in us when allow ourselves a break from the eyes of the society at large.  And that is how I am going to get through father’s day this year.  By trying to be a kid again, dancing through my weekend with joy and wonder as much as possible.