For as long as I can remember my life has revolved around rules. Growing up in a strict religious household there were a lot of rules I was expected to follow, usually without any explanation around why I must follow them or why they were in place. It created a complicated relationship as I grew up as I have many rules in place for myself, that I also don’t particularly have a reason for why I have them. I’ve been considering the possibility that I have OCD, and trying to learn more about it and how to navigate life with it. I find it difficult to do things that “break” my internal rules, I get extremely anxious and upset, both at myself for having the rules and letting these arbitrary rules control me. I also think it makes it difficult to ground myself in reality. If someone else is breaking a rule I have, although they aren’t aware of said rule, my mind starts to spiral and make assumptions. It takes the misinformation and runs with it. I’m trying to start reframing my mindset, now that I know what is happening, it has made it easier to name what is happening. I feel like I’m getting better at “catching” myself, or identifying what triggered me, before I’ve gone in a full spiral.

On the other hand I do enjoy rules given to me by others, especially my romantic partner, as I feel it gives me a sense of safety and clear wants and expectations. I find a lot of comfort from the BDSM community. I love that there are other people who love to revolve their lives around rules and communicated expectations.

TBC…