Posted by: docgrumbles | October 18, 2010

So far, so good

Well, we have to wait for the results of the first blood test, but the ultrasound went well. D did not accompany me, and he missed some great glimpses of a highly active little fetus!

He (and I do get a strong boy vibe, plus the tech and the doc kept using the male pronoun) was kicking his legs, rolling around, sucking his fist, and just generally zipping about. He/she had a great heartbeat and a “normal” looking neck and nasal bone.

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I even got my first ever 4D images! Don’t tell JAG, she might already get jealous of this one!

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Yes, he/she does look a lot like a Banana Slug. I agree.

I teared up when hearing the heartbeat. It finally felt real.

I even made it Facebook-official (ahhh, modern times).

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Posted by: docgrumbles | October 17, 2010

Big day tomorrow

I enter the 12th week tomorrow…

and I go in for some non-invasive genetic screening. I went back and forth about even doing it, but we did opt for the blood test and nuchal fold screening ultrasound. I am not one to turn down extra ultrasounds!

Assuming nothing awful is discovered tomorrow (picture an u/s tech awkwardly fetching a supervisor because, oops, this fetus has no heartbeat so who the flip cares if the back of the neck looks abnormal?), it seems like a good time to let the world know.

Maybe then this will feel more real. With JAG, I thought about the pregnancy constantly, but with Banana Slug here I tend to actually forget I am pregnant (until I have to hurl or catch a glimpse of my bulging silhouette).

I am not very articulate these days. I need a nap, as I constantly feel I do.

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Posted by: docgrumbles | October 11, 2010

Still keeping mum

Still not telling people I am knocked up again, but it is getting harder to hide it.

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Like my red rose ring? JAG keeps grabbing for it, whining, “I wan fwowah!”

Speaking of JAG, she needs to cut out kicking me in the tummy! D suggests that she “knows.”

She has been enjoying her (knock on wood) remaining time as an only child:

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She is talking up a storm and has demanded a truck, tricycle and robot from Crack Lady, as in, “I wanna robot! Gee get me bo-bot?” She calls CL “Gee” instead of Grandma. I predict a bo-bot in her near future. She gets things with those eyes.

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Posted by: docgrumbles | October 1, 2010

The work and house plans

Okay, I seem to have it worked out.

I will teach 2 internet classes and 3 on-campus classes next semester as opposed to my usual 5 on-campus classes. I will have all my exams ready to go well ahead of time.

My chair seems on board.

Hopefully, this should work out and I won’t have to lose as much income as last time.

My chair, when learning of my little secret, congratulated me on my “continued reproductive successes.” I just thought, “Wait, are you implying that I’m fertile or something???” But, I guess, to those who don’t know the whole story, I would appear to one of those ladies who just “become” pregnant on a regular basis.

I still haven’t told Crack Lady. I am definitely bulging out now, so she will probably ask me soon enough.

I just ate an entire footlong BMT sub from Subway, complete with salt and vinegar chips, all before 11 am. I usually don’t eat salami or get anything with vinegar. Yep, I’m gestating all right. JAG liked potatoes. Banana Slug likes salty and sour.

I pointed out to D that we’ll need to create another nursery, and he responded, “Let’s wait until we find out the gender.” Seeing my confusion, he said, “If it’s another girl, they can share a room.” That’s when the fumes and flames shot from my ears and nostrils. First, we have a huge house. JAG’s room does not have room for two. As a child, I very often had to share a room with Crack Lady or my brother. I always swore I would make damn sure any child of mine would have their own space.

Plus, correct me if I am wrong, but don’t roomies wake each other up?

I told D he will be giving up the guest room / office and helping me set up a nursery / play space in that rather spacious room.

Then my hormones told me I needed to snap about the fucking TV still being in our god damn bedroom so I have to go to bed wearing ear plugs when he watches the nightly news. You know, our bedroom that still doesn’t have bedroom furniture except for a bed. The hormones have whispered to me to just order a bureau (have I mentioned we don’t have a closet? the house is that old) and a dresser and pay with the joint credit card and let him fume when they arrive.

Those hormones are handy accomplices to my rage sometimes.

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Posted by: docgrumbles | September 28, 2010

Say hello to Banana Slug!

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I am 9 weeks along. My adjusted due date is May 3.

Time to plan for the future, I believe.

Starting with filling my prescription for an anti-nausea drug! Followed by figuring out 1) where this kid could sleep, 2) whether to do genetic testing, 3) whether to teach next semester, which ends in May, and 4) figuring out when to tell my mom and my students.

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Posted by: docgrumbles | September 27, 2010

Barffff

I have been vomiting… a lot. Always after dinner. Why do I even eat dinner? Oh yeah, because if I don’t, then I feel ravenous and weak while trying to fall asleep at the late hour of 8pm.

I even had the dubious pleasure of wetting myself during one violent spew. Not just a few drops, mind you. A full-on pee pee puddle.

As D put it, “You definitely didn’t have any of this before.”

I get to find out tomorrow if these are signs of a healthy pregnancy. D agreed to go with me, just in case the news is of the disappointing variety.

(Breath held)

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Posted by: docgrumbles | September 14, 2010

Bodily transformations

Well, I have heard that you show sooner with second than first pregnancies. While not harping on the technical “fifthness” of this go-round that hasn’t even been validated by an ultrasound peekaboo yet, let me share that my belly is poking out something ridiculous.

Especially considering that I have lost 2 pounds with the morning sickness diet.

I was hesitant to dig out the vacuum-sealed bag of maternity clothes, but necessity forced my hand. Dang, those things are threadbare! I guess I wore them a long time (1 full term pregnancy and at least 6 months of postpartum wear for the pants).

I found myself buying a new pair of maternity pants today so that I don’t have to re-re-wash one of my roomy stretchy dresses for work tomorrow. As I checked out, I thought, “Well, if this isn’t asking for a loss, what is???”

I will just tell myself they are fat pants, definitely NOT for pregnancy.

Eagerly awaiting the dr visit on the 28th…

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Posted by: docgrumbles | September 9, 2010

Bleehhhhhhh

I have been this close to puking my guts out for the last 4 days straight, ALL DAY. I have had my share of intense gagging, retching, and coughing, but no actual vomitus joining the party. (As an aside, when I worked as a psych tech and we had a severe self-induced barfer on the ward, I was fascinated by the word “vomitus” in charts. It seemed like such a regal word for spew!)

I don’t remember being this ewwy with JAG. Or this exhausted. Or this itchy. Good signs? Maybe?

Good thing my appointment is tomorrow…. oh, wait, you’re right, it isn’t until next week…. WAIT, WHAT??? Not until 2 1/2 weeks from now??? You’re kidding!!!

Well, I guess I’ll just have to think of other things while floating on the waves of constant nausea and resisting the overwhelming urge to just go to town scratching my crotch in the middle of teaching. I’ll just have to ignore all those pregnant students in my classes this semester (seriously, are my classes flagged as requirements for preggo students?). Oh, and, once again, I managed to select an audiobook for my long commute that would seem to have absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy issues (My Year of Living Biblically), yet the author’s wife conceives twins with IVF in the middle of the book!

Yeah right, I’ll think of something else besides a (hopefully) growing and (hopefully) thriving Banana Slug in my expanding uterus.

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Posted by: docgrumbles | September 5, 2010

Pregnancy puking is even more fun when you already have a child!

Yeah, so, wouldn’t you know? My first bout of full-on “morning” sickness occurred in the evening when D was out (buying diapers for JAG, no less). Soooo… I had to hug the porcelain bowl WITH the little one in the room with me!

Barfing is already such an odd experience, but throw in a few, “Eww! What dat, Mommy?” and, “Wahtah! Wahtah! Mommy, wahtah!” and it is even more surreal. In between retches, I had to warn JAG to stay back and not touch. She was clearly fascinated by whatever Mommy was doing.

We have been doing some pre-potty training introductions, so when I was done (Well, the second time I was done, that is. The first time I thought I was done, stood up, and JAG shouted, “No, Mommy! No mo’!” when I kneeled down again and hurled some more.), little one handed me a huge wad of toilet paper (“paypah”) and expectantly asked “Fush?” (as in, “Can I be the lucky one who gets to flush your business down the pipes?”)

I let her flush. When she lifted the lid to see that it had not all gone down, she got to pull the lever again, which, to her, is right up there with getting a Popsicle.

Yep, this is just one of the many ways pregnancy is different when you already have to care for a critter. Other differences include having to explain to JAG not to push on Mommy’s tummy, insisting that she walk on her own rather than be carried because I am exhausted and worried about straining myself (little girl ain’t so little these days), and being terrified of all the day care germs coming home since I can’t take any of the most effective medicines in this state.

My appt is Sept 28. Sooooo far away.

Hey, Banana Slug, that throwing up incident was just fine with me. Any time you feel the need to clear some space in there, go right ahead. I love you, and we’d all like to meet you, even your sister (though she may not be keen on sharing).

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Posted by: docgrumbles | September 1, 2010

Mind hump

I had to teach about prenatal development today, including miscarriage.

Yes, it was a mind hump.

Right on cue, I started cramping, and thus fretting. Holy crap, this is my fifth pregnancy!

No bleeding. Decently good sign. Feel like I could barf. Usually a good sign – except I puked more while miscarrying than growing a healthy one, so what do I know from a few tummy flutters (albatross rather than butterfly flutters)?

I want a nap… and I don’t want to wake up until the day of my ob/gyn appt!

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Posted by: docgrumbles | August 29, 2010

Oh yeah, Katrina anniversary today

First of all, I am still pregnant as far as I know. My first visit with the OB is scheduled for Sept 28 (almost a month away – gah!). I got queasy a couple of times, so perhaps all is well. I am exhausted all day, too. Yeah, so, let’s hope there’s an embryo growing in there wearing me out.

And… onto Katrina. Here we are at the five year anniversary and I find myself thinking, “ENOUGH already.” I am tired of being reminded of things I managed to move beyond for a while. I don’t want to relive that fear and uncertainty every year, or even every five years. The local news has been oversaturated with Katrina stories and I worry that those who developed PTSD after the storm will experience flashbacks and regression in their healing. Not surprisingly, when I checked Facebook today, a bunch of my former and current NOLA neighbors posted the same sentiment – Please, for the love of whatever, STOP reminding us what we went through. You can remember without reliving.

How am I different now? Well, 5 years ago I was just beginning to try to make a baby with my husband of almost 5 years. During our evacuation limbo, it became clear to me that I needed more and better family in my life, and I knew the only way I could do that given what I was born into was to add to mine and do a much better job with any I added than my parents did with me. Then, while waiting for my school and workplace to reopen, I became pregnant. When I was blindsided by the news that no addition would result from it, I entered a new stage of my life – the “Oh shit, my body doesn’t work quite right,” phase.

My “recovery” has been much more about that particular event (the first miscarriage) and all the crap that followed (not getting pregnant again, then losing another one) than Katrina. I can say that, probably, because we were lucky to have a house left standing when we were allowed back into the city. I am sure not all NOLA residents would have the option of having some other event eclipse their Katrina experience in terms of life changing and heartbreaking, but that is my personal story.

Katrina was a bitch, but wondering if I’d ever get to have someone call me “Mommy” was a mega-bitch.

And experiencing either of these cannot and should not define me. It is time to watch the rest of my lifeline go down on the page, hopefully with another healthy NOLA baby joining the family.

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Posted by: docgrumbles | August 25, 2010

Symptoms?

Well, I misplaced my keys twice today. Luckily, the hubby or other faculty found them for me each time. I definitely have a fog rolling in over my mental faculties. Placenta brain? Or just fatigue? Fatigue from pregnancy? or just doing too much dang stuff?!

It sounds like readers  like the name Banana Slug (as do I) as long as I don’t abbreviate it and make it seem like I am carrying a load of bullshit. So, Banana Slug it is. I hope my uterus is nice and cozy like a bed of damp Santa Cruz leaves.

One of the part time faculty is sporting a nice cutesy bump on a small frame right now. Somehow I doubt that I will look that “cute” if Banana Slug grows nice and plump in my tummy.

You see, people have been asking me my due date (assholes!) well before I actually got that lovely bit of pink dye in the right configuration. Probably because I never made any progress losing the 20 pounds or so I packed on with JAG.

The front view is not that drastically changed:

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But the profile…

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Yeah, it would be a while longer this go-round until a bump would be clearly distinguishable!

Why did I think I was so fat at 170 lbs? Nothing like being 190 to see that 170 suited me quite well!

At least I have a nice collection of clothes that could work as maternity clothes at least for the first few months.

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Listen to me! Thinking I will get to grow big enough to need the big tent clothes! For the record, Banana Slug, I would LOVE to get big enough to require a tarp! You feel free to expand as large and healthy as you need to!

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Yep, these are the BEFORE pictures.

Are you comfy, Banana Slug? I hope that the thick fat layer is adding a warm and squishy pillow effect for you. Can I get you anything? Did I grow a nice sac for you to grow in? Are you getting enough yolk? How is the fluid in there?

I know, I know, I really can’t change any of these things at this point. But doesn’t it count that I care if you are comfortable? I don’t know if JAG left a review with UterusHotels.com, but you can trust me that she had an excellent stay in there. Can you see the foot prints on my uterine wall she left behind. She was able to move quite a bit, and I fed her very well. Do you have any preferences? Once that placenta that I hope is forming right now takes over nourishing you, just send some cravings my way, and I will send whatever nutrients you request.

I know you have a lot on your plate right now, what with growing all your major organ systems and all. So, I will let you get back to work. Just remember Mommy loves you already and I really hope you get to play with your sister someday. Grow, thrive, and develop, my slimy mollusk of hope.

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Posted by: docgrumbles | August 22, 2010

Please, save me from ME

Why am I already planning maternity outfits?

It is so hard to choose between blind optimism and the unpleasant killjoy of realism.

D also has alternated between, “Well, it is not like we’ve never gotten 2 lines before,” and “If it is another girl, maybe they could share a room,” then, “How dark was the line? Couldn’t it just come up negative tomorrow like the last time?” followed by, “Will you be able to get six months off, again? How much is daycare tuition again?”

The status so far: 1) 2 BFPs, 2) no bleeding, 3) no symptoms

Due date around the end of the Spring semester. I am barely 4 weeks pregnant. My ob/gyn doesn’t see patients for prenatal visits until at least 8 weeks along (as D remarks, “Good for her. No need for HER to be bothered by a miscarrying woman’s heartache and questions.”), so all I can do right now is wait and hope for nothing but pee and mucous on the toilet paper.

It is weird – unlike JAG, the miracle baby conceived when the fertility monitor said I should have been well beyond the window of opportunity and during a time of high stress and poor health, this ball of cells was created in almost ideal conditions (ovulation around CD 18 or 19 rather than CD 30, during a month of decent degrees of exercise and healthy eating, plenty of sex, and on vacation no less). Like, ohmahgawd, I did things right and got a reward. When does that ever happen in the TTC roller coaster???

I am open for suggestions about how to refer to this ball of hope on the blog. Since he/she was conceived in the vicinity of Santa Cruz, CA, I am considering Banana Slug (quirky critter associated with that area) or Mighty Redwood (seen on our trip and STURDY).

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Posted by: docgrumbles | August 21, 2010

There’s a party in my tummy

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The question is, of course, how long will this party last?

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Posted by: docgrumbles | August 20, 2010

Some photos

Two posts in a week – could it be???

I have been taking blog-worthy pictures for a while (just never actually, you know, blogging).

Since it is clear that my moldy nasty office will be my home away from home for at least one more year, I decided to attempt to brighten it up a bit.

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Yeah, it still is a moldy hot cell, but now with extra large stickers!

After 2 years, I still feel amazingly detached to this department and the faculty and staff. I don’t like that. I wish it felt more friendly and warm around here.

At least I get to go home (after that loooong commute) to this, right?

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Yes, she is awesome, thank you very much.

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Posted by: docgrumbles | August 17, 2010

Hi, I am alive

Sorry the blog has been dormant for so long. Life is CA-RAZY! Not in a crack-addled family member sort of way, more like a meth binge on top of a manic phase peak while sprinting on a treadmill in high heels. Pffft! Like I’d be seen in heels or near a treadmill any time soon.

I am swamped!

I didn’t get either of the jobs I applied for. One went to a faculty member from my current department who was bullied into early retirement, and the other one went (ouch, this still stings) a former STUDENT of mine. That’s right, someone I TAUGHT, and, get this, doesn’t even have her PhD yet, beat me out for a job. The job that is walking distance from my house with a child care center! Bawwahhhh! I shall try not to dwell on the apparent uselessness of the fours years I have spent working my ass on (because, let’s face it, I have gained rather than lost ass during that time) since receiving my hard-earned PhD.

Our fine governor instated some pretty heinous budget cuts and our dept will have 1/3 its usual budget this year. I will still be teaching 5 classes (all 100-person classes with no assistant) for low pay with no raises being given this year and furlough days in the plans.

And…I am still tethered to the research paper that will not die with co-author Boss Hell (Oh, did I type Hell instead of L?). It may actually get published after only 5 years of prep and torture. Of course, D is always quick to point out that I no longer get paid even slave wages to deal with the Hell Witch, so why suffer for free? Because I don’t want my paper to die! I want it published! I want to someday see a citation for “Grumbles & Hell, 2010, or 2011, or whenever.”

At least her kids no longer go to JAG’s daycare.

Oh yeah, JAG.

She is a hella-wonderful and gives me much to enjoy as she keeps me running around. She is a serious talker! 19 months old and using sentences beautifully, most often in the form of “I wanna…” or “I no wanna…” but during our visit to D’s mom in California last week, she melted my frazzled heart by looking up and stating clearly, “I’m happy.” She loves animals and shoes, so the evolutionary psychologists would love her for supporting the innate basis of gender roles.

Today is my birthday. I am 35. Oh, there it is. I just felt my fertility drop even lower as I crossed over into advanced maternal age.

I took ye olde fertility monitor on our trip and got a peak on CD 17 (not too shabby) and had some of what would technically be called vacation sex since we were on vacation, but for us that included trying not to wake JAG in the portable crib at the foot of the bed and having to tune out the screeches and screams of arguing cousins outside our room. A high risk (simply because of age) pregnancy would make a nice birthday gift, don’t you think?

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Posted by: docgrumbles | June 29, 2010

Going at it again

I need to get back into blogging and reading blogs.

Can I first just say, um, WOW, a lot of people are expecting or even raising a second child right now!

I don’t know if the ovaries can handle the peer pressure.

I am tracking them again (currently CD6), but resisting a full-on jump into the madness.

I am also fretting about the oil spill and its damage to my area of the world, my job and my reduced pay, my overall less-than-stellar health and lack of quality time in my life beyond JAG time (which is excellent, thankfully). I really should get writing about all that. You know, in that free time I have less and less of.

Blahhhhh….

Oh! And JAG pooped in the bathtub tonight. A loose one this time. I figured you’d want to know that. It certainly was eventful for me. She was still adorable, standing rigid and trying to scuttle away from her own poop puddle.

She is also talking up a storm and seems to have started her vocabulary spurt. You know you want me to list her entire known expressive vocabulary to date. Okay, you talked me into it.

Mommy, Daddy, kitty, (Her name), dog, gorilla (we have quite a few of them), pool, towel, car, cold, cheese, juice, cracker, uh on, oh no, wow, bye bye, hi, outside, mine, more, eyes, nose, toes, shoes, sock, hands, hug, backpack, ball, bird, bug, yes, no, duck, arf, roar, a-choo, baby… and I am probably forgetting a chunk. Yeah, she is awesome.

Okay, I am sleep deprived. Must rest… (sigh) as soon as the hubby is done watching TV. That TV really needs to get the flippity frack out of our frickin’ bedroom.

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Posted by: docgrumbles | June 12, 2010

Hello, old friend

No urgent sex followed, but it is nice to know where I am in a cycle so I won’t repeat the recent pee stick wasting.

(For anyone lucky enough to know nothing about ovulation tracking, this means my body is suddenly swimming in luteinizing hormone and pretty much shouting at my ovaries, “Release the Kraken!”)

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Posted by: docgrumbles | June 11, 2010

Job Hunting

Well, I got a lovely form letter from that local Catholic university to which I submitted a very hopeful job application. It was, of course, a dry notification that they have filled the position and won’t even need to meet me in person for an interview. I really would have loved working there. It is in walking or biking distance from my house, I’d have to teach fewer classes and advise fewer students for more money, and they have a child care center! Oh, how nice it could have been… but it won’t be. Phhhftt.

The situation at my current university is just getting worse and worse. I am still guaranteed no raise no matter how well I do. The governor’s budget cuts just keep chipping away at the school. I will have furlough days in the coming year, and we just lost two faculty members (but still have to teach the same number of classes). Less faculty means larger course loads. I was already teaching five classes, but now the classes are getting larger and larger. Oh, and I don’t have a teaching assistant or even a secretary (we went from 2 full timers to 1 part timer) in the office to help with any of the grading and other clerical work.

One of the faculty that we lost was forced into early retirement, and he is a very active teacher and publishing researcher who had no intention of retiring. In fact, he has taken another job for the upcoming academic year. Oh, guess where! At the university I was hoping would employ ME!

But… a little glimmer of faint hope recently presented itself in the form of a sudden opening at another local university (one where I interviewed 2 years ago and was their 2nd choice candidate according to the search committee chair). Looks like someone suddenly left the department, and they need to cover classes for the Fall semester. It is a temporary position (if I get it at all), but with the opportunity to apply for a tenure-track position the next academic year (as long as the university approves the hire of a full timer to replace the person who left).

Fingers crossed. Again.

I can’t wait until I finally settle into my big girl job and say good bye to all of these unpleasant diversions. Thirty-five seems old to start one’s career.

Oh yeah, 35. I turn “advanced maternal age” in August. Ugh.

Interesting Update: A woman from the university that rejected me was just leaving a voice message for me practically as I was typing the original post! Another position has opened up, and they want to know if they can transfer my application from one position to the other. This new one is strictly temporary, but I’d still rather it to my current job. Fingers crossed for either position, now …

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Posted by: docgrumbles | June 2, 2010

JAG and her cousins

Got back yesterday from a trip out to Texas to visit my brother and his family. I am still exhausted. Maybe this is why:

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