Joe2stories

Capricorn (22 December-20 January): Let’s face it. We both know what’s coming for you and that you deserve it. On the plus side, you’ll learn gerbil for “Payback’s a bitch”.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February): New flavour will be added to your life when a trolley-related accident sends you careering into the spice aisle of your local supermarket.

Pisces (20 February – 20 March): The stars have anticipated your question and no, that toupé will not look good on you.

Aries (21 March – 20 April): You’re financial outlook is strong with you having enough funds to last you until your last day. Unfortunately that day is coming sometime in mid March.

Taurus (21 April – 21 May): We’re having difficulty writing your horoscope are there one or two ls in disembowelled?

Gemini (22 May – 21 June): You will meet a chipmunk in a dark alley. Prepare accordingly.

Cancer (22 June – 23 July): Your friends say that a kilt is too revealing but the stars say you should bare your legs if you want to. Afterall, you’ll only have them a few more weeks.

Leo (24 July – 23 August): Simon says Give all your money to the astrologer.

Virgo (24 August – 23 September): This week you will make two world-altering discoveries. One, that yetis are real and two, they have an unsatiable taste for human flesh.

Libra (24 September – 23 October): Years of practice will finally come to fruition when your spouse finally manages to successfully mix strychnine into your cake batter.

Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): An unexpected turn in your life will bring new surprises when your G.P.S. directs you into a military minefield.

Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): You will find unexpected fame as the first subject in the lastest television craze “America’s Bloodiest lawnmower accidents”