Kkhymn's Corner

Today I am grateful for the a Random Act of Kindness (RAK) that arrived at my door.  Several weeks ago, a woman named Alice from Louisiana found my blog when she was searching for a knit pattern.  Alice was kind enough to read my blog and get to know me a little bit, even though I had not met her.

My Pink Cane

Alice contacted me and asked for my address because she wanted to get me my pink cane that I mentioned on my Christmas post here.  This request seemed so out of the blue, was completely unexpected and I resisted the idea at first.  But, I gave her my address because I knew she really wanted to give me this gift, this random act of kindness. And, I am learning to recognize those moments and accept them with a grateful heart.

This cane is pearlized pink and has shiny crystals on the top, and makes learning to walk with a cane a little easier more fun, and easier to accept.  Although it did not cost a million dollars, it is worth much more than that to me.  It is a reminder that I am not alone in this world and that God (the universe, a Higher Power if you prefer) still remembers and cares for me. And that people can be kind and good to one another. Thank you Alice from Louisiana! Thank you.

© https://kkhymn.wordpress.com

The past several weeks have been filled with mixed emotions, stress, fatigue and pain.  I have no more spoons to take care of anyone else except me and my cats. No energy for anything. Too much pain to even do the simplest of things …

A couple of weeks ago, I missed a funeral service for an old friend who died suddenly at the beginning of the New Year. I also missed a baby shower for one of my best friends; her first baby, a little girl.  But, both events would be at least a couple hours of sitting, walking or standing.  And, I can’t do any of that anymore without major pain and fatigue levels. Add to that, pouring winter rain storms  … well, I could not make my body do what I wanted it to do. I could not stop the pain from interfering with my life, saying goodbye to a friend, and celebrating the life of another.

You get used to not making plans when you live with chronic pain. You can’t predict how you will be feeling from one day, or one hour, to the next. So, you stop making commitments to attend anything or meet up with friends. The only items on your calendar are your doctor or physical therapy appointments.  And, even those appointments, you can’t always push yourself to keep.

You get used to losing friends when you are in chronic pain.  Everyone is living their own lives, and they can’t imagine what your life is like. In their minds, you are the one who is not working anymore, living life from your pajamas.  And, that is something they need. A break from the hectic life. What they forget is that you are not on vacation, but in pain 24/7 and tired of all the doctor appointments and disability paperwork. It is hard for you to relate to your friends too; they are living the life you used to live. Doing the things you used to be able to do. You and your friends don’t have much in common anymore. So, it is only natural that you drift apart.

Most days, I focus on the task at hand and don’t dwell on how much has changed.  But, when you run out of spoons and are in too much pain to go to a funeral or baby shower, well, it is hard not to face how different your life has become.

I am not sharing this to get anyone down or receive anyone’s pity. I just want to share this so you have a glimpse of what I and others who are in my situation are dealing with, when life chooses to move on as if nothing has changed, but reminds us that we are living with chronic illness and pain.

© https://kkhymn.wordpress.com

Well, the past couple of weeks have been exhausting. I am wearing my leg braces and cane part-time right now. And, I am continuing to go to physical therapy twice a week.  Plus, still going through all the hoops trying to get my long term disability and social security benefits approved.  It is so frustrating to have to “prove” to others how much pain you are in each day, and re-explain how it affects your energy levels and ability to complete tasks. I wish it was all accepted and believed at face value. No one in their right mind would want to be me right now. But, that is another topic …

I am learning to walk all over again. The leg braces help my legs and feet be straighter and less pigeon-toed than before. But, because I have never really walked that way, I have difficulty balancing, and need to rely on my cane. I am using muscles I have never used before; muscles that are involuntary and automatic for “normal” people.  But for me, I have to command, focus and will my body to cooperate.

These are just a few things I have to think about when I take each and every step:

• Make my stomach muscle below my abdominals contract inwards – this is called bracing.
• Bend my left and right knees as I step. Really? I guess I never bent both knees before when I walked.
• When I take a step, I need to move my pelvis forward and allow my butt muscles to work as I stand. Apparently, I have not worked my glutes before!
• Step with the ankle down first, then toes. Toes and knees should not go inwards. This I knew but seriously could not do until I put these braces on.
• Swing my arms slightly as I step; but swing the arm opposite of the foot. Apparently, I have been swinging the same arm as the foot all my life. Holy Crap!

These are things I think about with every step I take.  Every muscle in my body is exhausted as the day goes on and my brain is tired too. But, I need to keep going with this because my body needs help.  And, if I don’t give it some help, it will only get worse.

Working and living a normal life is now the farthest thing from my mind. I am still in a butt-load of pain and I have no idea if that will ever get better.  Just learning how to walk again is taking all my energy, spoons and brain power.

So, if you see me walking on the street, forgive me for not paying attention to you or saying hello.

© https://kkhymn.wordpress.com