I’m still frustrated about Steve reading my other blog.  I shut down my Facebook page because of him.  My blog isn’t a safe spot anymore.  Just out of curiousity, I scrolled through my Instagram followers (all 23 of them) and notice one who hadn’t posted any pictures, didn’t have any followers and was only following one person – me.  I can’t be sure it was Steve but I blocked them anyway.

When I first started my other blog, it was about our attempts at building a family.  All of my hopes and dreams for our future and grief at the setbacks.  When that blog was about us and I encouraged him to read it he couldn’t be bothered with it (much less be bothered to TALK to me about how I was feeling) and now he is crawling all over it.  I feel like he’s crawling all over me.

I created this spot because I wanted a safe place to vent about my ex and the difficulties of moving through my life as a divorced, single mom.  But part of me felt like if I never said anything else about him on that space, he would win.  If I started ‘playing nice’ it would be because I knew he was watching.

So I posted another chat excerpt.  I really want to post an “Open Letter to My Ex-husband:  All the things I want you to know but you were too self-involved to listen.”  But, again, I don’t want to be so openly hostile that it makes trouble for Skeeter.  Says Good Jamie.  Bad Jamie says, “Dig in just a little bit more!!”

If I could tell him anything, it would be this:  We’re not friends.  Friends care about each other, enjoy each other’s company and have a mutual respect – we don’t meet any of those criteria.  I’m not saying ex-spouses *can’t* be friends, but over the course of two years I tried SO HARD to be everything you needed in a wife/partner and you rejected me REPEATEDLY.  You even told me once that you didn’t need me to be your friend because you had Julie – you just wanted me to be your wife.  Why would I want to be your friend now?  When I was your wife, I was willing to put in the work needed to be your best friend but I’m a package deal.  If I’m not good enough or important enough to you to be your wife then I don’t want to be your friend either.  No sloppy seconds for me.

Here is the real story of what happened to my Facebook page.

I got a new tattoo.  It isn’t my first tattoo but it is my biggest though it is still easily covered by wearing a t-shirt.  I had been thinking about it for a while but it was sort of on my ‘to-do’ list.  Then my best friend from high school called and was going to get a new tat and asked if I wanted to go along.  So I did and got one of my own.

It starts on my shoulder blade and wraps down around underneath my arm.  It is sort of a vine with one open bloom and three buds – the open bloom for Skeeter and the buds for the babies I lost.  It is something that I am in love with and very proud of but I didn’t necessarily want it broadcasted to the world.  I have this feeling that when Ex (for example) knows about something then – in essence – I’m sharing it with him.  And I didn’t want to share this – I wanted it to be mine.

To start, Ex knew that I was getting a tattoo and knew the day I was going to do it.  I had never mentioned it on my FB page and my friend had never mentioned a tattoo specifically but all I can figure out is that he was able to piece together a random comment that the tattoo artist (who is also someone I know from the past) left on one of my posts with a post my high school friend had made on her FB page to figure out the story.  So not only was he stalking my FB but also the pages of my friends in an attempt to find out what I’m doing in my free time.  It was a little bit creepy and I didn’t like feeling like I was under constant surveillance.

So I get the tat and as I’m driving home, my cell rings that I was tagged in a photo on FB.  To my horror, the tatto artist had posted a picture of me on his page and tagged it to mine.  This was about 10pm and in less than two minutes my phone was lighting up with calls/messages from my mother.  I called the tattoo guy and had him take the picture down but the damage was done.  My mother was hysterical.  I told her yes, I had gotten a tattoo, it was my decision and it was done.  The next day, my mother’s sister sends me a FB message asking me to call my Mom and tell her the girl in the picture wasn’t me (you couldn’t see my head in the pic) because she was ~so~ upset.  In my mind I was thinking, “NO.  I AM NOT DISCUSSING THIS.  THIS IS STUPID.”  For reference, this ‘upset’ was laying on the couch all day alternating between fuming and crying, unable to function.

The rest of that day, everytime my phone would ring with a FB alert, I would cringe.  I didn’t know if it was my Mom, my aunt, my Ex, etc, etc.  Finally I thought – this is ridiculous, FB shouldn’t have this kind of power over me.  So I shut it down.

I miss connecting with friends and family – seeing what they’re up to, reading their funny updates, pictures of family.  But it wasn’t worth the scrutiny I felt like I was under.

Boundaries, people!  Boundries!!

Thanks for following me here!

When I started my original blog, my husband (at the time) knew about it.  We were so far from being able to talk about TTC, miscarriages, etc that I had tried to get him to read it so he would know what I was going through but he never would.  When our marriage was falling apart, we were fighting and he said something about “all those horrible things your friends say about me on your blog.”  Sooooo, he had decided to read it after all.  I really didn’t care and I retorted with, “It’s all true!”

In the time since, I can feel myself hesitate or censor what I’m writing because I’m wasn’t sure if he was still reading or not.  Most of me doesn’t care if he reads or not – I write the truth and a lot of it he needs to hear.  But at the same time, I don’t want to write something that pisses him off and causes him to use Skeeter against me.  The real reason I wrote so little during our divorce process was because I didn’t want him to be an ass about the child custody agreement because I got pretty much everything I wanted.

Also, just before Skeeter was born, my Mom found my blog.  And in the most bizarre way – she randomly stumbled across a blog where I had left a comment, recognized the email address and followed it to my URL.  And she never told me.  I had been watching the traffic on my stat counter and finally confronted her about it.

So these last few years, I’ve been blogging along and even when I’m being brutally honest, I still feel a little portion of myself being held back.

I had actually created this site about a month ago but still hadn’t decided exactly what to do.  Like I said – I really haven’t said anything that I didn’t WANT my ex-husband to hear.  And I do hold a little bit back because I don’t want my Mom to read it and get upset – both because of what he did to me and that I went through all of that and never told her.

Then last night I get a text from Ex-husband – Just have one ?.  After all of this time.  Why are u still trashing me in ur blog.

Okay.  So he’s still reading.  My first thought was, “ARE YOU BELITTLING WHAT YOU PUT ME THROUGH?!?!”  Then I sort of laughed at myself because that is exactly what I have been struggling with lately – after all of this time, why am I still so hurt by it all?  I just replied with something like, “That’s my place and I don’t have to justify how I feel.”

But I am going to move here and password protect my posts.  I’ll keep the other blog up for a while, posting occassionaly, then let it die out.  I’m afraid if I shut it down, my Mom and Ex will be suspicious and look for me elsewhere in the blogosphere.  I’ll continue to leave comments with my blogger sign on, just in case Mom stumbles across me again in some bizarre twist of fate.  So you’ll see some posts here, some posts there.  I hope it isn’t too confusing!  And I hope to see you here!