Tonight was one of those nights where it hit me out of no where and I just stayed up and cried.  I miss my mom so much, and I can’t stop thinking about all of the things she never taught me, and will never get the chance to do with me.  Jeff (my husband) and I were just talking about ways that we are similar to our parents the other day, and when I brought up the “fun” side of my mom, he said ” I wish so much that I could have known her before” and I really do too.

I really REALLY miss her, and the more time that passes, I feel like more and more of her is lost.  I can’t remember so many things about her that I wish I could.  It has been 9 and 1/2 years since her diagnosis, and it hasn’t gotten any easier.  It has only gotten more and more difficult.  For a while it seemed stagnant, but these days it just feels hard.  I miss her so much, I miss who she was, and thinking about all the fun that we would have together today if she wasn’t paralyzed makes me so incredibly sad.

Growing up I was not close to my mom, but I always had hope that when I grew up, something miraculous would happen, and we would be best friends. Now that I am “grown up” I don’t know about “best friends” but I still think we would have a lot of fun together.

I almost forgot what if felt like to always have my mom defending me.  I miss her encouragement. I miss her hugs, and I even miss being mad at her.  I know she wasn’t the worlds best mom, but growing up, she was to me.  I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me, or for my mom, but I pray that every morning we wake up, we are blessed with happiness and joy.