some say the best time to write is immediately after someone has shown you love for your writing
i havent been on this thing since before i went to mental hospital
id convinced myself my neighbours were trying to stalk me in december 2022
i spent a few days missing out on sleep trying to block voices out my head
i told my parents to call the police when i thought i was being stalked
they didnt
they called the ambulance instead
i dont wrestle with any unforgiveness cos of their decision
i was shouting at them at the top of my lungs
i couldnt say i love you without yelling
i was going out of my mind
i felt like i was trapped in a cell with no way out
i could only escape in my dreams
even some of my dreams were tortured by invading voices causing me to wake up screaming
i made friends with two indigenous elders in hospital
one had eyes that reminded me of galaxies when i gazed deep into them
another was an old lady who kissed my cheek and hugged me
she was pulled away from me by staff who wanted to enforce social distancing between patients
social distancing drives people crazy
we were allowed to hug people who came to visit us
i wouldnt be able to cope without almost daily visits from my parents
being able to access art materials and the internet also helped as well as the fact that most of the patients were friendly
there was one i suspected was a man who felt like he was a woman trapped in a mans body
they had a face and body like a woman but there was something about them that didnt seem quite right like they were more an exaggeration of a female stereotype than the real deal
i met one guy who had trust issues with his missus
he disliked christmas yet he had a santa claus tattooed
maybe he got inked by someone who hated him
one guy and i both wore santa hats in hospital
his had a missing pom pom
i met one guy with encyclopedic knowledge of john farnham
he told me john was having health issues
he and i both made an effort to water the garden
there was no hose so it had to be watered by carrying watering cans inside and filling them at the sinks around our ward
someone left behind books in the sisterhood of the traveling pants series for others to read
i intended to read them and stored them in my room but never got round to cracking open the covers
one lady there was slightly kleptomaniac .
she took my headphones a tee an ipad and a sketchpad
she made it up to me by giving me candy
she later wanted the candy returned so i gave her what remained in the packet
she had indigenous heritage
she was accusing me of intellectual theft when she saw my art was influenced by indigenous designs
there were times in hospital i felt my art and writing was creating itself
i felt like one of my indigenous friends who i had a crush on was sending her spirit to my room to touch me
i spent every day in hospital reading the bible and making tiktok videos wearing a bright red mask
i made one indigenous friend named jenae
she and i watched the bible project together
she was cool with me until she flipped suddenly and growled under her breath stop looking at my boobs
im pretty sure she was pregnant and had a child at home waiting for her
i meant to give her my first teddy bear but never got round to it cos she got moved to a different ward for more severe mental cases before i had a chance
she had short curly blonde hair
i met another indigenous lady named elly
she and i listened to flame the christian rapper and for king and country together on her iphone
she got me in the habit of standing instead of sitting for meals
i copied her cos i wanted her to feel comfortable around me
we swapped tees together
i saw her once outside the hospital
she was wearing a tee of a sloth in a santa cap
she texted me a tiny bit but nothing came of our relationship
all we did was hug and kiss on the cheek
it was still special though
i will never forget her
i still have her number in my phone
she would yell at her family when they came to visit her
she had boyfriends who she described as full blood indigenous who were no good to her
i think one of them might have hit her once
she said she was only gonna date non aboriginal guys
i met another indigenous human named jeremy
he was from newcastle in new south wales
he had designed tees for a relatives funeral
he was into heavy metal music
he had o c d
together with a lady from ballina in northern new south wales we would listen to music together and yack about what we knew and liked about the artists we loved
jeremy never got in touch when i texted him after i got out the hospital
i bought him nutella chapattis
while i was staying at the hospital i had my brain tested at another hospital
the doctor told me nothing about the results of my brain scan only that my brain had slowed down
in the hospital we had two outside areas
one had a basketball court
i was told the staff removed the table tennis table but left the balls to mess with patients heads
some patients tried to hide cigarettes and possibly weed in the garden beds
one outside area had a wall with butterflies and Jesus loves you painted on it
i could look up and see the construction workers operating on a nearby hospital site
i convinced myself i could hear the thoughts going on inside the workers heads
one outside area had a gazebo like area where folks could sit and eat
some patients including myself had scribbled words on the bricks on the wall in the outside area
i did a lot better in hospital once i asked permission to use an exercise bike
one lady who came to the hospital was named casey
her voice and piano playing and self affirming classes brought hope to my spirit
she wasnt allowed to give me her contact details
she used to be a patient herself
she described herself as having a lived experience of mental illness
she had long black hair and pale skin
she had an extensive knowledge of music and could play just about anything you threw at her
some people from centrelink came to talk to patients but i ignored them
it cost a million dollars to build the mental health unit at caboolture hospital where i was staying
one lady came in to show us random pictures and got us to talk about what the images evoked in us
there was a wall where former patients could put up laminated leaves inscribed with inspiring sayings
i wrote something about Jesus on mine
my friend belinda visited me in mental hospital
she showed me pictures of her trip to fraser island
its got a new name now thats its true original indigenous name
im still learning it though so you will have to forgive my ignorance in using a colonial oppressive name instead of a true name for a place
ok i just looked it up its k gari i dont know how to pronounce it properly though
i think fraser was a slave trader or something
he definitely wasnt a guy worth immortalizing in beautiful black kgari sand
many friends and family who visited me in hospital brought me chocolates or blondies
my folks brought me nudie juice
one lady named danielle was a fellow patient in the hospital
she used a cool device to take music off my computer and stick it on her own
the guy who knew heaps about farnham or farnsy as some like to call him used a walking stick to get around
he had white hair and glasses and looked a bit like philip adams or salman rushdie
i loved the food in hospital especially when they served curried fish
my former neighbour gave me a soft cuddly horse which i took into hospital along with a bee produced by bee kind a charity that helps bees based in america
i lost a bright orange scarf made by esther from fire church in carrum downs in melbourne when i went to hospital
it grieved my heart cos it was given to me by her son who gave me a bunch of jumpers when i met him at an evangelism training event held at caboolture showgrounds
one of my friends in hospital who liked metal gave people trigger warnings before she played songs
she had short black hair and tattoos
she did art but i never got to see it
i gave her a face mask
i shouldve swapped numbers with her but i think she had a girlfriend so i didnt wanna mess with her
i met a lady named kylie in mental hospital
her last name wasnt minogue
i gave her a painting of a horse
it was a partially collaged piece cos i made it using bits of colored paper paint and glue
one lady was going crazy in hospital cos she couldnt get any cigarettes
she was allowed nicotine injections and gum though
i dont think the hospital should have given people any kind of nicotine
i feel sorry for peoples taxes that feed filthy habits like that especially when taxes come from people who have asthma like me cos of moms working with people who smoke who make their kids sick through passive smoking
if you are having a bad mental health day i highly recommend you listen to mzaza
they help cure my stress and flood my mind with blissful sounds
selah ❤
minusthecynic 
Recent Comments