i’ll be honest, i saw this coming. but God, does it still hurt. babe, i don’t hate you… i’m disappointed you turned into everything you said you wouldn’t be. i’m disappointed that i pushed you away + you let me, even after promising to stick by me through everything. very few have gotten past my surface, + all those who have, left. all i ever wanted from you was love. and darling, i fight the urge every fucking day of my life to not pick up that phone + call you. one of the cruelest things you can do is awaken somebody’s love without the intention of truly loving them, yet that’s exactly what you did to me. you told me you loved me while knowing you didn’t even want me. you promised me forever but only gave me an hour. + when i asked you if you wanted me, you didn’t reply. deep down i knew your answer. but i wanted to hear you say it, i wanted to hear the words leave your lips. + every minute that you stood there looking down, my heart sank deeper + deeper, until it was buried beneath those walls again. i’m doing the hardest thing i’ve ever done, + that’s walking away from somebody that i thought i’d spend forever with. darling… you put me through hell, + i called it love.
Never Goes Away
There are still some places that still hurt when someone touches. Even after the scar is healed and the bruise is gone. Even when there’s no reminder of the pain. Someone will touch your arm or brush against your shoulder and you’ll start to remember how his hands used to feel on you. In that exact spot. And it’s been so damn long but you’ll still be able to remember how much it hurt when he wasn’t touching you. He was telling you that it’s over. You’ll remember how your body was pleading for him to hold you once again. And god now it burns in all the places he touched you. And nobodys hands feel quite as comforting as his did. And it’s been so long but you still feel like you’re on fire because you’re still fucking burning.
Possibly
Maybe one day you’ll come back around and you’ll want to talk about it, and maybe that day I’d be far gone and over it.
Soft + Strong
a lot of people mistake kindness for weakness. i’m sick of allowing my past mistakes define who i am today; i’ve been remade + changed. i am not afraid of my truth anymore. i will no longer omit any peaces of me to make anybody comfortable. you attract the right things when you have a good sense of who you are. no longer will i be stuck between who i am + who i want to be; i am closing that gap. i love to be elegant. it’s not about trying hard or trying to be somebody else. it has to be effortless for true grace + beauty. i want to be the woman who does not need validation from anyone, because that is who most fear. that is the most feared individual on the planet. being both soft + strong is a combination that very few have mastered; and no longer will i be sucked up this worlds bitterness. i don’t need external approval to feel good about my actions. i’m learning to be happy regardless of my situation or anything that’s going on. to be happy even when i’m sad, and that is important. the way others treat you is a statement of who they are as a human being, it is NOT a statement about you or your worth. you’ll need coffee shops + sunsets + roadtrips. airplanes + passports + old songs. but people more than any of those things. you will need other people. and you’ll need to be that person to somebody else. a living, breathing, screaming invitation to believe better things. be gentle. fill yourself with love rather than hate, fill yourself with art + books + knowledge + experiences. surround yourself with people who have nothing other than love to give. because all of these things are very important. they will help you learn how to love. the simple things are the most extraordinary things, and only the wise can see them. it’s about waking up, looking in the mirror, + telling yourself that Jesus is s o o o much bigger than all of this. no matter how hard that is. be a nice human.
Darkness vs Light
“There’s a girl in the corner, with tear stains on her eyes, from the places she’s wandered and the shame she can’t hide. She says, “How did I get here? I’m not who I once was. And I’m crippled by the fear that I’ve fallen too far to love” But don’t you know who you are, what’s been done for you? You are more than the choices that you’ve made, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes, you are more than the problems you create, you’ve been remade. Well she tries to believe it, that she’s been given new life , but she can’t shake the feeling that it’s not true tonight. She knows all the answers and she’s rehearsed all the lines, and so she’ll try to do better but then she’s too weak to try. But don’t you know who you are? Cause this is not about what you’ve done, but what’s been done for you. This is not about where you’ve been, but where your brokenness brings you to. This is not about what you feel, but what He felt to forgive you, and what He felt to make you loved.”
one of my favorite songs to listen to by Tenth Avenue North when i start to give up + fall away from the light. i’m sick of drama + unkind words. that’s not who i am. i refuse to allow my past + mistakes define who i am now. if you know me based upon who i was a year ago, or even 6 months ago.. you don’t know me. my growth game is strong. it breaks my heart to see that others have destroyed people so badly that they have no other intentions in their heart than to hurt everybody else around them. all because of what had happened with their past + what others have done to them. it kills me that most of this population will never find it in their hearts to be kind + to find Christ. it’s painful + i feel so horrible yet there’s nothing i can do but pray + hope for the best.
Closing The Gap
[10:43pm Tuesday night discussions–]
that’s just how i am i don’t know. i refuse to allow this horrible world to make me cruel and bitter. “Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” that’s like my life motto basically. and i was shut down and cold and a horrible person for so long. like my freshman year for example, i was a whore who didn’t give a fuck about anything including peoples’ feelings. i wasn’t strong, i was weak + scared. i’d rather be kind + vulnerable. i’m a true believer in karma. i don’t believe in revenge. for the bible says in Romans 12:20 “On the contrary, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink. For in so doing, you will heap burning coals on his head.”” revenge is in Gods’ hands, not mine. and regardless of peoples behaviors and hatred, i refuse to allow that to make me go down. so many people are horribly unhappy and have no clue what they’re missing. happiness isn’t about have a perfect or ideal situation. it’s about being happy regardless of how horrible your situation is. i have a ton of health issues, and family issues, and a lot of the time i go days without talking to anybody until i see nick. but you would never guess. because i’m content with my life, you know? either way, my point is kindness is my only way. i guess i’m just trying to be a better person. to close the gap between who i am + who i want to be.
Choices
choosing not to fear is one of the hardest things. choosing not to focus on the overwhelming, brainwashing numbness that accompanies the words that i dread + the circumstances that seem to drain hope ; choosing to look at my circumstances and say “hey. Jesus is s o o much bigger.” is so hard + i don’t know the secret to finally letting go in abandon.. because to tell you the truth, it is h a r d. but i do know how freeing it feels when i choose to turn my face towards His grace + glory + allow the shadows to fall behind me.
I Remember
I still remember the warmth and comfort
I had when I was in your arms.
Sheltered from the world
All my problems seemed to fade away.
The feeling of your tender hands
running through my hair
or wiping my tears away
rubbing my hand when ours were interlocked.
I still remember carefully putting makeup on
places not many girls had to put theirs.
Flinching every time someone hugged me or
play hit me
Biting my lip when I bumped into
something
Looking in the mirror..
Most girls saw tan and white when
they did so but
When I looked it was different..
I saw tan and white, yes
I also saw black and blue and purple
Sometimes, after a while, even a little
Yellow and green
I was almost like the darker park
of the remembering.
I still remember your hands holding mine
When you broke down and cried
Apologizing
Saying you didn’t mean it
You didn’t mean to hurt me
Your anger took over
When you would cry and hug me
And your hands would touch everywhere on my body
Except the bruised parts
As if those places were reserved
For your angry side.
I still remember.
And I can’t forget.
Positively Positive
My problem is that I care too much. I have so many feelings, and I get attached so easily. If I have a friend, or somebody special, I will give them my all. I will go so far out of my way to make them happy. Even if they don’t care about me, and treat me like dirt. I’ve had friends that don’t even like me but come to me for things, but that’s my problem. I literally have no idea. This is why I have trust issues. I give it my all, just for nothing. And I totally get the people come in & out of my life, and that’s how it goes. But it honestly sucks. And now I just have my walls up so high, that nobody can get in. And it gets lonely, but at the same time, who do you trust? You cannot trust anybody, not even your own family. Nobody is who they say they are, and everybody hides themselves just to fit in. I don’t know. And every time I go to let somebody in, my scars remind me about my past and remind me how badly I’ve been hurt. How my last resort was hurting myself just to feel something, anything. Because I shut myself down so much that I didn’t feel, anything. And just because all of this has happened, I always think the worst. And it’s like, well, what you think of a person isn’t who they really are ya know? Which is hard for me to swallow and accept because I’m so overly cautious. But then the good people slip away. But I have to tell myself, that it’s time to stop going out of my way to make other people happy, because they wouldn’t do anything for me. “It’s time to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t even jump a puddle for you.” And to be quite honest with myself, I don’t want to keep feeling this way. It’s ruining everything for me, my mind is my worst enemy. But that’s all gonna change. I am determined to be a better person, and to think positive. Surrounding myself with positive people that’s all. What you think, you become. Need to work on positive thoughts!!
Not All About Me…
Part of the narrative of growing up is accepting the fact that you can be wrong. That you are in the wrong more often than you’d like to admit. Stating responsibility for all of your mistakes and wrong-doing and taking steps to trying to fix what you’ve done wrong. Finding excuses as to why you can’t fix the things you’re doing wrong is part immaturity, though understandably some people just can’t fix everything about themselves, it’s trying anyways in which you grow. It’s also about recognizing that there’s wrongness in things you love, there’s wrongness in your loved ones, there’s wrongness in the world and in society, and striving on a personal level to be the good that you notice is lacking. Part of growing up is realizing that you’ve gotta be as useful as you can possibly be. Be critical and uncompromising and ambitious. Still be open to new ideas. Be understanding, be empathetic, and learn that you are not the center of the universe.
be my lonely 