Tag Archives: feelings

Memories

It’s been years and years but they still flop onto the scene of my mind from time to time.
Could be a song, could be a bug I see crawling on the cement.
They are powerful. It’s not just out of no where.
There is usually a longing and a sadness equipped.

At the time I didn’t realize how impactful it would be
that part of life of being alive.
It’s a cauldron of time that hold a lot of my life.

Memories vivid and gripped.
I’m scared to believe that I’m losing more of them as we go further
but there’s a reassurance when one pops in.

For I know the feeling associated with it all
and that I will not forget.

Highs And Lows

I am amazed at how high the ups go, how down the downs are and how little time that it takes to get from one to the other.
It almost feels unnatural. Not right. That something isn’t quite balanced in myself.
How can I feel such extreme?

Life is brilliant and BEYOND worth living.
And then it’s not.
Wish I could be dead so as not to feel such intensified moments.
Doesn’t matter that I know they’ll pass.
It hurts to not have a grip.


Oh Life!

I found this just recently. My self in a not so grand mood, my mindset a pile of rubble and then I glitch into thinking about Life and how it’s so crazy and complex and I was just crying wet of joy and now I’m in this darky pile and I just located in myself,
that it’s hilarious.
That life is absolutely all over the place with what it deals you and the comprehensive and expansive emotions that course throughout us on the regular, is just plain remarkable.
Life, I love ya even when I don’t.

How Can I Make this Better

Okay. So. A complete layout of what’s going on. Just going to type it. Whatever the mash up is in my brain and heart.

So. I’m very emotional these days and get tired, like crazy jet lag-tired in the afternoon.
I’m furstrated because it’s been a full on week and I feel bad for not getting things done. I feel like my partner is getting annoyed with it- specially going to bed when I go to bed at 9 pm every night. He falls asleep fast too.
I’m going to try and be as objective as possible but so much of mine is floating in all the areas.

Things that he says seems to come out negative. At least, that is how I am taking them.
And it makes me feel sad inside.
We don’t feel connected right now. I just don’t feel that cared for. And then I feel bad for feeling that way because hasn’t he told me he loves me and pats my back when he walks by and all those regular things just don’t seem to be enough and I cry so easily and I just wish i was more stable and confident and concrete and there wasn’t so much pressure that I feel looming all around me. To plan my sons birthday and usually its not that stressful because its just me and him to figure it out but now someone else involved and his weekend plans to be incorporated and he says he has less time to just wing it because hes so busy . I’m feeling we go about things so differently.
I feel annoyed with myself. I just don’t know how to get out of these negative swirls. Talking about it seems to make it worse. I just want to think about the happy and grateful things and watch a show.
because the heavy stuff, is stuff i can’t do anything about.
for the most part. the heavy stuff only exists because its talked about. isn’t it?
if we just brush it aside, i think it’ll just go. Because what’s the point of discussing things that have been brought to he table and that will eventually work themselves out. Because sometimes things just do that, right?

oh i don’t know. i feel all off and confused and rattled and just not right. and in all of this i’m not drinking and that adds to all of it. Used to grab a beer and waltz off into bliss.
I want to feel confident and know that I’m doing the right thing and reacting the right way and not messing up the conversations and the reactions and it’s just not lining up for me and it’s me and I don’t know how to fix it. Because all the little things are just little things and life is way too beautiful to let tears distort the picture but tears sometimes make the things look nice and it’d be nice to not feel sometimes but this is part of living. Just would like to get a better grip. And I feel very shaken and weak and it just doesn’t sit well with me and I’m on repeat at this time.

Did i figure out how to make this better? Not really. I think I like too much, sitting in the sad? And that’s an oh oh. I think I’m going to power on making stir fry for dinner.
I can bring my legs under myself and I think I’ll be proud of myself if I can get productivity on the wagon here.

Glitchy Way

What do you do with feelings that you don’t want to feel? How do you prevent them from surfacing at all? I recognize that the feels have a direct correlation to the thoughts. So I start there, right? And that becomes tiring so fast. Am I even doing it right? To work around in my brain long enough to make it a habit? Just keep redirecting my selfish, my lowly, my ungrateful thoughts. Infuse the positive. Think better like a person who values living. Gratitude across the board. Okay. And must I share all my feelings? I feel like I’m not being true to my partner because I am such an advocate for open space and room to share even the nit grit. But then I’m just a pest and a poor, specially when I’m just spitting out feels where full thoughts haven’t even had time to form yet. Oh bother. I’m in a glitch of a way.

Partnering up with Life

Isn’t it annoying when you want to not be upset or stressed or to not be eating a bag of chips?
Yeah, life is so short, why would I care so much about how much smoke my campfire let off or get so overwhelmed on Thursday nights about how many pictures are on my fridge?
Its frustrating because we know the things are petty. We know it’s just something passing in time and that in 3 years, let alone 3 hours- we’ll have forgotten or be laughing about it.
Why do certain things stick with us anyways? Holding onto a comment that Ms. Becky said or that unanswered text. We fill up our brain buckets with such small, non trivial garbage. And we can know it yet feel powerless to it. Dang, life is just a clever evil jokester. Maybe I should try being best friends with it so that it can show me how to understand myself. So it can let me in on how to not care.

5 Days Broken

Took me five days to recover. Just in time for the weekend. Pft. No, I’m going to really reign it in and be conscious and make different and better decisions. I have a direction tonight with son and I and that makes me feel more in control already. My mind feels a bit better- it really took a toll that last one. Almost rolled me right to the insanity bank. I was convinced I wasn’t going to cash all in though.
Going to ride this sleigh into the park!