Tag Archives: learning

Perusing a Build

Do we struggle with the impact other peoples’ actions or words have on us?
I know I do.
How does one get to the point where peoples words or non words, roll off of us? Do we become more engulfed and inflamed with ourselves? We use the let them theory? feel confident about who we are so that it is harder for others insinuations to effect us?
How do we go about building this empire?
I’m leaning in.

Living While Learning How To

Do you notice certain change about yourself every once in awhile?
I’ve found this one the last few weeks.

Since I’ve been quite clear headed as of late, the overthinking, the replaying conversations, the things I wish I didn’t say or shouldn’t have elaborated on or should have said it this way instead, or waited until this or … well. the list goes on…
It is a deep active space that comes to the surface without the numbing choices.
I respect and see it as part of being alive and all though I am not yet leaning into these spaces, I am not running from them. They are uncomfortable to walk through; I am losing sleep, even though the conscious decision to push through uses energy. It’s tiring.
But on the whole of it, I do feel like I’m getting sound blocks under my feet. I continue to remind myself it is a learning curve, it is development and it will have stages. I can use the repetitive nature of information I’m gathering, to become more of the person I desire to carry out in life.

Hold On

Stay strong, stay well. Stay loyal to yourself in the biggest of swells.
Mean what you want to mean, and don’t be afraid. Assert yourself and don’t be ashamed.
He’s trying to trick you, he’s trying to lure you in, throw you off course and drag you down thin.
His claws are sharp, but so are your wits, keep holding yourself and don’t take the hits.


The Pattern Continues

The guy is a snake, slithering through foliage thinking he is camouflaged and sly. The guy tells me the day after he texts me rude and hurtful comments that he still believes in us, that he has to focus on himself and he is on the path of changing so he doesn’t mess up again and I am baffled inside at how obvious the technique, the pattern, the fall is to me now. I see the abuse, the abuser, and the total rot of all that he streams. I am undecided if he himself believes what he is saying, I can’t decide if he knows he is being dishonest with himself and I see how easy it was for me to believe in what he is saying. The convincing is real, the power is deep and the motivation is absolutely sickening. What a piece of work, I tell myself.

I gave some warmth back, I always think with him now- any warmth is too much and I feel empty after giving any. Which is very telling. But this I did faintly, and proceeded to point out some facts of his being to do some testing. As usual, were met with a shrug off, the ‘ trauma when I was 12- not to say that trauma is not a real thing but he is simply coursing back to the not owning his behavior. Deflection in full sight, avoidance and utter defense. In my eyes he is far from understanding himself.

He is not worth my tears yet I could feel them in my belly. I see clearly now and it makes me feel sad and even disconnected from myself a bit. For unveiled truth is sometimes painful and disorienting to experience.

Sometimes Drafts Should Just Stay Drafts

I have found myself writing, keeping drafts. I really didn’t think I had scheduled that last post. I was telling my therapist how shocking it can be sometimes. Reading over what I have written. And that I don’t actually mean or feel how harsh the words are. She asked me how I felt after writing such things. At the time it feels nice, I say. Like the instant satisfaction of yelling into a pillow or retrieving a toothpaste cap from the sink drain.
But then when I sit with it, it makes me uncomfortable. That what I see, doesn’t feel like me.
And then we went on to suggest writing more calming or beautiful or positive posts. And I said, I’ll try that. Because I know there is positive in me, I’ve just lost a good deal of it along the way.

This morning I came at a new angle with the same outcome.
Shall I let him pummel me into this hopeless wreck? This untangible being of knots and fury?

I can feel things and splash them onto paper as a way to sort through and digest. But to not actually mean. I don’t need to put them out there to breed and circulate. I don’t need to make the pathways larger and deeper. I can do that with the positives.
So here’s to trying that- as much as regret and disgust linger throughout and attack regularly..
I can put effort into crafting pleasants.

Life Going

This one time, I lived this life
and it was full of bad decisions and flowers.
I lived this life that felt unlike me
and life was this outside thing that I was living, and it wasn’t me doing it.
but maybe it was me trying to justify all the poor decisions.
Life is held at arms length
just because holding something close when you know it’s going to leave you
is sometimes terrifying.

Love Keeps me Going

My desire to grow and learn and get through on the other end stronger, is the thing that has me here.
Yeah, the will to care about any of that stuff dwains and dwindles and leaves me boneless sometimes.
But that’s where the highs operate. Like doctors with tools they pick up broken pieces and they repair and instead of just salvaging what was from before, they gleam it into this perfected state of shine that beams right out of my heart socket. And that’s the stuff that drives me to viewpoints of gentleness to self. That’s where I can form a new stance and feel in control. Stabilized into this creature of euphoria. Where being vulnerable is no longer a feat and showing love to all in sight is who I am.
That I am love regardless of my lows.

From Yuck to Yays

I’m tired of not speaking my feelings. I am dazed, slow to think, to conclude, to DECIDE.

You ever feel lost in your head? Doesn’t cost you dollars but too many rides on the mindy-go round costs you time and your mental state.
In a months passing this patch of moments won’t feel the way they do.
Is this roughness the universe teaching me something?

How quick it can go from eating bowls of cereal all day in front of the screen to frolicking in high spirits down your apartment stairs.
The sticky times pass as do the smiley secure and confident times.

This is Life.

Some Things I’ve (Re)Learned Recently

  1. Time off with no place to go or to be is a nice thing. For awhile. It seeps in to a place of stagnancy and lack of purpose. It affects your mood overall which in turn affects relationships and productivity levels.
  2. The longer you keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself in a relationship whether its your girlfriend or your mother in law, the more disdain that will grow for that relation. You’ll feel restricted, disconnected and overall unhappy.
  3. This one is huge. Screen time. I’ve wasted hours in front of my phone and afterwards can feel like a blob of brainless inactivity.
  4. Waiting to have coffee first thing in the morning will help you feel it more. Letting my body do it’s thing when I first wake up so that it doesn’t begin to rely on caffeine to begin functioning. Don’t want to lose all my body’s natural abilities.
  5. When you get too far into your head about something thinking it around like a carousel; it pretty much always doesn’t make the situation better.
  6. Anything that you’re trying to change about yourself will take time, effort and patience.

Learnings

There is always something to learn. Sometimes you’re expecting it and sometimes you are not.
Every situation you come across can be an opportunity to learn. But sometimes you don’t use it for that. Sometimes you don’t want to. Because truly, it’d be exhausting. I try to make it my go-to when it’s a tough thing. More so after the fact. But I’m getting better at in the moment learnings. It means alot of slowing down. Pausing. Being silent. Collecting thoughts and feelings together. And sometimes I may learn something so little. Sometimes it comes to me later. Sometimes I find nothing and can’t even create it. Sometimes learning is tiring and sometimes it isn’t. Ho hum, I don’t know. Maybe I should learn why I don’t. Haha.