Category Archives: Humor

Cooking, Food, Humor, Writing

Single Girl Stew…

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DISCLAIMER: I can in fact cook but only because my mother broke all sorts of child labor laws and forced me to do so when I lived under her roof.

Because it’s the season of giving I am gifting you with five days worth of easy, recipes?,um, meals for the single diner. Enjoy!

Nothing says lovin' like the something from, the oven.

Day 1

 Ineedtofindamenu 

Step one: Open refrigerator door.

Step two: Seeing nothing edible jump out at you, move bottles of water and a nearly empty carton of milk out of the way.

Step three: See container of mysterious substance in the back and wonder what could be inside.

Step four: Think back to the last time you had actual food and then open the container.

Step five: Upon seeing that substance is covered with green fur, smells like a sewer and is possibly alive,gag, scream, toss in garbage. Double bag said garbage. Spray closed bag with bleach and inside of refrigerator for good measure.

Step six: Order take out.

Day 2 Crunchy Surprise Oh My

Step one: Walk into kitchen.

Step two: Remember what happened the day before and eat an entire bag of barbecue potato chips.

Step three: Feel guilty and run instead of walk upstairs to your bedroom in a feeble attempt to burn off calories.  

Day 3

I Feel Like Chicken Tonight

Step 1: Crave chicken

Step 2: Open refrigerator in hopes to find a fully roasted one with all the fixings waiting for you.

Step 3: Become really disappointed.

Step 4: See that you still have milk and it’s only one day past its expiration.

Step 5: Pour cereal into whatever clean bowl you can find, then pour milk on top.

Step 6: Realize that there is barely enough milk to moisten the cereal.

Step 7: Grumble about eating barely damp cereal and complain about the lack of food in your house.

Day 4 

 Four Food Groups Feast

Step one: Open freezer.

Step  two: Find chicken , broccoli and cheese Hot Pocket! (SCORE!!!)

Step three: Eat before it cools off and burn the bejesus out of your tongue.

Day 5

Nothing But Condiments

Step one: Open refrigerator

Step two: See only ketchup, mustard, and salad dressing.

Step three: Sigh pathetically

Step four: Promise yourself you are going to go grocery shopping.( All the while knowing you probably won’t.)

Step five: Text BFF to complain about the state of your refrigerator.

Step six: Receive text from BFF saying the same thing.

Step seven: Agree to meet BFF at favorite restaurant and proceed to spend next week’s grocery money on adult beverages.

NOTE: If you don’t have a Hot Pocket, peanut butter right out of the jar is an acceptable substitution. Old, dusty cans of soup or a sleeve or nearly stale crackers will work too.

I hope you are enjoying the Scribes’ sweet and savories and do feel free to try out these recipes anytime in the next few weeks.

Your turn! Enjoy cooking for one? Think it stinks? Hate to grocery shop? Hate to cook? What’s your favorite food to take out? Any and all comments are welcome!

Cooking, Family, Food, Humor, Pie, Thanksgiving

Bursting at the Seams

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The following is a true story that happened to me this week. Enjoy…

Friday morning I walked into my parents’ kitchen to see my seventeen year old brother eating a cake. Not a piece of cake, not a sliver, or a slice, but the enormous hunk of homemade chocolate cake that my mother had made for Thanksgiving. The kid didn’t even have a plate. I watched him for a moment before I asked, “What are you doing?”

He looked at me as if my question was stupid. “I’m eating cake.”

Duh! “All of it?” I asked in a sort of horrified wonder as he shoved a giant forkful in his mouth.

“Planning on it.”

“But I didn’t get any!”

“So?”

As I stared at him I knew he would eat all of it because that’s what little brothers did. So I got a fork and sat next to him and starting eating cake too.

“Stick to your side.” He told me with his mouth full. I did and we ending up eating cake for breakfast.

Wanna know what I had for lunch? Apple pie and ice cream. I swear it wasn’t my idea. Upon arriving home from Black Friday shopping I see two of my brothers,( the one from that morning was one of them) sitting at the table with the biggest tub of vanilla ice cream in the world and a whole homemade apple pie.

“You want some?” The older one asked. I was about to say no, my conscience kicking me in the butt.

“Just give her some,” the younger one said. “I don’t want to hear her b*&ching later that she didn’t get any.”

“You two are going to eat the entire pie?”

They both looked at me like I was stupid. In hindsight  I guess it was stupid question. The older one plopped the pie on a glass pie and put it in the microwave, while the younger one got out three clear glass mugs. We waited in silence for the microwave to ding and when it did I watch as they placed steaming pie at the bottom of the mugs and the a layer of ice cream and finished it off with more pie.

“Let the ice cream melt some,” the little one said. “And then mix it up. It’s damn good.”

I did as he said and then tasted it. He was right it was good and the three of us proceeded to eat a whole pie and a half a gallon of ice cream.

Wanna know what I had for dinner? Stuffing. That was it. A big bowl of stuffing.

I gained 1.4 pounds between Wednesday and Saturday. Which brought my total weight gain from the summer up to five pounds and after spending a year losing forty-five pounds it served as a sharp blow to my sluggish system.

I decided to leave my parents house that day and return to my own. I blame mybrothers for my weight gain, especially the youngest one.(He MADE me eat that pie!) The boy is jacked. He’s got pecs and biceps and a stupidly flat belly and he hasn’t eaten a vegetable in years. He eats cheese fries for breakfast and waffles for dinner and he looks great. Did I mention that I hate him?

Like a lot of you I’m constantly fighting to lose and keep off weight. Every pound lost is a mini battle. Every day is a struggle to make the right choices, to say no to that brownie and yes to that banana. The truth is that there is no secret diet. Eat less. Move more and make the right choices. If you aren’t hungry enough to eat an apple then you really aren’t  that hungry at all.

So, this morning I trekked to the grocery store, avoiding the frozen pizza that has become a staple in my diet and spent a fortune on fresh fruit, vegetables and things I actually have to cook. Mentally, I feel better already. Physically I’m suffering from the shakes because of pie withdrawal and wondering how I can keep up my word count and still exercise at the same time.

Your turn! What’s the worst thing you ever ate? Have a brother you’d like to smack? What’s your diet been like lately? Love pie? How was your Thanksgiving? Any and all comments are welcome.

Children, Chocolate, Education, Family, Food, Humor, Style, Writing

Why I Wish I Were Still a Kid

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Ever long to be kid again? If yes, skip to the next section. If not, (A)You had a really sad childhood and this blog is not for you or (B) Use your imagination and think about it!

Reasons it’s Cool to be a Kid

Cool Kid

1. Tempertantrums.

Haven’t you longed to lose it at one point in your adult life? Just really let go and scream and wail like a child? But you can’t because you’re a grown up and grown ups have to act like… (sigh) grown ups. You can’t scream, “I don’t want to wait in line at the bank!. Stupid bank. Stupid teller. Stupid lady who’s taking stupidly long. Stupid low bank balance.”

2. Brutal honesty.

I made the mistake of asking a six-year-old how old he thought I was. He shrugged, studied my face for a moment and said. “I don’t know. You’re like forty-five or something.” Oh no he didn’t! I’m 26. But I had it coming. I did ask him. I also had a kid poke me in the behind and when I turned around to look at him. He said, “You’ve got a big butt.”

Ever wanted to know the real answer to Does My Butt Look Big in This, ask a kid. Ever want to tell someone the absolute truth? You can’t or won’t because you’re an adult and terribly afraid of hurting someone’s feelings.

3. Food.

Le Sigh… When you’re a kid you can eat a half-dozen warm chocolate chip cookies, a pepperoni pizza and wash it down with a gallon of ice cream and be fine. If you tried that as an adult you be doubled over in gassy pain clutching a bottle of TUMS.

4.The ability to crawl in bed with your parent’s when you’re scared.

Can’t do that now, can you? It would just be…eww.

5. CARTOONS!

Well any kid shows/movies for that matter. Sesame street… AH.Good clean fun and educational too! As a grown up you can’t tell other grown ups that your favorite show is on the Disney Channel or that you really identified with the lion in Madagascar. You have to lie and pretend you like MAD MEN or the OFFICE.

6. Money.

Sure everybody likes money but as a kid you don’t need it. Your mom and dad pay for everything. You don’t have to worry about bills and you think any and everything can be purchases with the simple swipe of a credit card.

7. Fashion.

Did you know the trend going around the elementary schools are tutus? Tye Dye, Purple, Pink, Green. Oh and rhinestone encrusted, hot pink, light up high top sneakers. And, how could I forget, feather hair extensions. Nowadays, at least in my neck of the woods, little girls look like peacocks. If I showed up for work in a tutu… well, I might not have a job the next day.

There are dozens of other reasons why it’s cool to be a kid. Birthday parties with pinatas.Christmas is still magical. Chukee Cheese is actually a fun place to be. Trick or Treating. Fort building. Pretend time. Fighting with your siblings. CANDY!

On the flip side I’m sure kids could come up with just as many reasons that it’s cool to be a grown up. No bedtime. Driving…

What’s this got to do with writing? Nothing really but sometimes it’s fun to get out of your adult word and think like a child.

Your turn. What did you like about being a kid? Did I miss anything on my list? Got a fond childhood memory? Hated being a kid? Wish you could go back? Think your kids have it good? Any and all comments are welcome.