montague county moments

  taylor’s returning from hawaii tomorrow… on a 7:50 flight to d.f.w international……. granny and i have been elected to pick him up due to conflicting prior commitments by both his parents..what about my commitment to saturday morning breakfast at ed’s ?

   the d.f.w. trip would’nt be so bad except tomorrow is race day at texas motor speedway… a hundred thousand plus nascar fans , driving like they are contestants in the race ( kurt mc carty and cobo’s baby girl)… no thanks !  i’ll be forced to circle around through south eastern oklahoma and come in on the back side…

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  you recall my saying that the big-bank lobby sometimes smells like a stringer of carp ? …well , low and behold !  yesterday as i was traveling past my bank , i noticed one of the sub-prime lenders (a.k.a. miller) was attempting to escort a stray cat from the lobby of that bank … evidently their loan staff does a little fishing too  !… if the stray cats are swamping the place every time the door is opened , this might be an indication that you need to spend less time in the bass-boat and more time in the shower…

   i’ve heard that lemon juice will counter that fishy smell… try putting a cup in the mop water down there at c.r.t.’s bank…maybe it’ll cut down on the stray cats…..

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  ed’s currently winding his way through cow-town , on his way to the state’s capitol city.. he’s dragging a fully assembled windmill down interstate thirty-five on a home-made trailer with no brakes , headed for austin…backing up traffic like chipper and two-shirts in their sub-prime motor homes..

     he closed a lucrative deal , including food and lodging , fuel and an hourly wage from the time he left montague… he’s robbin some unsuspecting south-texas rancher of his family inheritance and half the farm , in exchange for three gallons a minute provided the wind is blowing…

   there was some wind blowing alright , but only a breeze compared to the hot wind ed was blowing up that south texas rancher… he’d been better off watering his herd with bottled sparklett’s than giving ed carte blanche on a north dakota windmill .

   he was eating the grand-slam breakfast at denny’s last time i talked to him .. already planning his lunch and mid-afternoon happy hour in a hill country beer garden .. he’s living large by windmill standards , i promise you earl never closed a deal like this… ed may not be back for a week !

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   i’ve spent all last week wondering why attendance was sparce at church last sunday morning… then suddenly last night it came to me like the blind sow found the acorn…..lone-star liquor is now open for business..granted they are not open on sunday morning , but they were open last saturday night..that would explain why several of the congregation had the ” flu “…

   if that’s not enough to curb attendance , there’s the upcoming sunday service where chipper does the preaching…it’s still unclear if he’s preaching for it or against it , but i can promise you he’ll be rambling and everyone from the second row back, including the mumbler , will be sound asleep …

   he never attended seminary , but did attend the cemetery on multiple and various occasions , in the company of that woodfield girl and a couple of elmo’s daughters.. just ask albert mullins !   but hopefully he won’t reflect on those stories of repetitious rejection from the podium ….

    you’ll want to mark that day on your calandar so you can stay home and watch charles stanley….

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  as crude oil plummits below the sixty five dollar mark , from a high of one forty , office space becomes more available in down town bowie… lines are noticably shorter at local eateries and traffic is less conjested at the intersection of wise and mason… the boom has faltered ! things have slowed considerably as profit margins tighten for speculators and seasoned investors alike…

   tales of windfall lease agreements have screeched to a halt…no longer exceeding the market value of the surface.. pump prices have dropped from near four dollars to two fifty a gallon…

   all this series of events  was accurately predicted more than two months ago by a democratic palm-reader during his antimated speech at daddy sam’s bar and grill ..

  had you been there for his economic advise and subsequent alcohol related political speech , you would have known that this was coming long before his predictions manifested themselves on wall street.. he’s a male version of sylvia brown .. tea-leaf reader…

   most folks in attendance at his political rally thought he had merely over indulged as they clogged the doorways and exits during the second stanza of his motivational speech… turns out , it was not the alcohol talking , but an accurate description of economic and political events yet to come..

    i’m sure you’ve read about the prophet daniel… well , this ain’t him … this was the predictions of the profit danny , as revealed to his reluctant following at a recent se’ance on the patio at daddy sam’s….

   this revelation came to him , not in a dream or vision , but rather suddenly as he counted the night’s receipts and contemplated the bubbles in his beer…

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  this coming week-end is the scheduled show-down between the nocona indians and bowie jackrabbits…this brawl dates back to the days of tank dow from nocona and luke the drifter duval from bowie … they hated each other for good reason…back when jackrabbit carcases were hung from the goal-posts during the indians pep rally… they’d feed tank on raw rabbit meat for two weeks prior to the big game…then wipe his mouth with a dirty sock and chain him up to the bleachers during the kick-off…

       been out to lunch with tank lately ?…those same eating habits carry over to this very day.. he still loves raw meat and a good football rivalry..

     as fate would have it , those renegade indians are coming to jack-rabbit stadium for the first time in years for the rekindling of a time honored tradition…. they can’t wait to sacrifice a few rabbits around an indian campfire.. the grid-iron ain’t big enough for indians and rabbits too.. the field is sure to be covered with feathers and furr as the next generation of football fanatics gather for the county’s braggin rights and the re-birth of the pigskin playoff….this team is the descendants of the team your grandpaw used to hate…

   be there friday for the regenerated tradition… it’s bigger than the 08 election ! and a darn sight more fun !  we’ve got the best facility and the best referee’s money can buy.. bring them indians on over here for a brad keck lesson in war-path football ..

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    five hundred and fifty some odd people did’nt have to cook lunch after church on sunday , cause they drove to the carpenter’s shop in nocona for the annual free bar-b-que and appropriate trimmings sponcered by jean’s bible class….

   several distinguished volunteer cooks prepared the meal , including the renowned italian chef… ed noteee…he secretly prepared his award winning pinto bean recipe under heavily armed guards at an undisclosed location…. then delivered them to the dinning hall in the back of a junk filled pick-up truck..

   while mooching breakfast on saturday , i did detect a sack of ed’s patented ingredients perched precariously on the end of the bar. the sack contained no less than ten pounds of cassarole pinto’s , four soft-ball sized yellow onions , and a swarm of garlic cloves… he also had a pound of bacon for rendering some lard ..

    the pot should have displayed a consumer warning label … not for the obvious cholesterol clogging concoction… or for the offensive noxious gas ooozing from under the lid.. but for the scattered tooth-chipping pea gravel that escaped the chef’s keen vision during the cooking process… it was impossible to distinguish whether the pea- sized lumps were just another clove of garlic or a cat-eye marble..

     i discovered one of these aggregate chunks in my timid ration of pinto’s .. initial contact caused my poly-grip to give way… the lower plate rared up in the back and lurched forward …then the rock lodged under the plate before i bit down again.. you can imagine the obvious pain inflicted on my lower jaw , i cringed in pain and catapulted the remaining portion into the festive center-piece..

    the nice lady seated next to me stared in disbelief and questioned ” those beans pretty hot ?”…..  no maam ,  i can take the heat …but my mis-matched dental work has a low tolerance to limestone..

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   last nights trip to the prime-cut , as ed’s destinated driver , resulted in an in-depth interview with the white-goat’s press secretary.. i’m talking about the young and extremely impressive genetic masterpiece… jade , she was anything but jaded ..

   she was exhaustively enthusiastic … elated , about the white goat’s political aspirations and the opportunity to expand and expound on brady o’neals platform…

   five minutes into the conversation about brady’s political career , i lost all conscienceness about the point of debate… locked in on the flawless facial features and perfect complection …totally distracted from brady’s campaign by the press secretary’s glowing personality..

  i don’t actually know what she said , but if she’s backing brady , i enthusiasticly support anything that makes her happy .. 

     like sarah palin , she’s carrying dead weight all the way to the finish line , and i stand with wreckless abandon by whoever and whatever she said during the interview… taylor was right , no stone is more precious than jade….

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   man i wish the main stream media would get on some issue that really matters… get off sarah palin’s back long enough to watch one of their own news casts.. they’re pickin fly-shit out of the black pepper..while the whole nation goes down the crapper….

   who cares what dress sarah’s wearing , where she got it and who paid the bill… give me a break… there was absolutely nothing wrong with the threads she’s worn to this point , but some of the wise campaign advisers decided in their infinite wisdom , that she needed to appear more like katie couric and nancy pelosi.. wear a different fashion statement each and every time she made a public appearance…become more like the rest of the self-serving politicians and media celebrities..

    any narrow minded freak that bases their political pick on the color of her dress, the quality of the fabric , or the fashion designer that invisioned her wardrobe , needs to spend the remainder of their sheltered life wearing a seer-sucker suite from k-mart while hosting the jerry springer show..

   i’m thinking palin would look ten times better in a feed sack than couric or pelosi in their best ball-room gown anyway…. give it a rest !

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   i stumbled in the big bank last saturday morning … asked to speak to the man in charge.. a nice lady behind the teller’s cage said… tommy richey retired several years ago and the rest are on a week long fishing trip at lake whitney…

  what ! gone fishing again ?… on the corporate credit card i assume… playing golf , eating thick steaks three times a day and washing it down with stock-holder’s beer.. these guys spend more time on the lake than bobby watkins…and more time suckling than a half starved shoat .

   i recall an old horse my kids had years ago … he tripped the latch on the tack-room door , gained access to all the  horse and mule feed he could possibly consume in a twenty four hour period…the sweet molasses and oats were so tempting ol’trigger just could’nt stop gorging himself… he ate and ate til he foundered… in the following weeks , his hooves grew to an unbelievable length..looked like little elf shoes turned up at the toes…

    that’s exactly what happened to hoot , mr.coffee two , and the oklahoma loan officer, they ate massive rib-eyes and unlimited beer for several days… now they’re all foundered … using bolt cutters to trim their toe nails and walking funny…cutting holes in all their socks from the sudden influx of protein.  they’re obviously foundered , pulled up lame from nothing more than lack of self control..glutinous appetites and company per diem have lead to their foundered condition…

   next time your in the bank lobby take a deep breath ,you can smell the fish, and watch these guys walk ….you’ll see what i mean !

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