My Evacuation…

Normally I would only post a story like this on my Xanga, since that is where I post my more mundane things. But, I figured this was the one exception to only posting my “deeper” musings on this site. Now that I’ve had some time to decompress, I figured I’d share my story of evacuating.

It all actually started Friday night. I watched the news, and figured it was a good idea to keep an eye on the storm. At that point, they were still predicting it would turn North and hit the Florida panhandle. I really wasn’t worried about it. I went to bed around 1:30 Friday night/Saturday morning. My only worry then was getting a good night’s sleep for the first time all week.

Saturday morning I woke up later than usual. Initially I was excited that I had gotten both the quality and quantity of sleep I had been lacking. That quickly changed. I turned on the tv and started channel surfing. Caught the news, and saw that everything with Katrina had changed overnight. Got on the computer, and checked the school’s website; that’s where they post updates on emergencies and issue the evacuation order. Sure enough, they were recommending that all students enact their personal evacuation plans. Started making phone calls to family just to make sure they weren’t too worried yet.

Got a call from Kurt, and found out I had to attend an emergency staff meeting with the Res Life people in 15 minutes. Went down there, and listened to what they had to say. Basically, told everybody to encourage students to go ahead and evacuate if they could. And reminded them that as staff, they had signed contracts saying they would stay during emergencies to help out. My boss asked me to stick around for awhile just to make sure they didn’t need extra help.

Went back to my apartment, and tried to find a flight out. No luck. Everything was already booked. Tried finding a rental car. No luck there, either. Said a prayer, updated the family, and started making preparations in case I couldn’t evacuate (filling up containers with water, making sure I had plenty of unperishable food). Got a call late Saturday night saying that I was released from all my duties and could go ahead and evacuate. In the meantime, my sister had managed to get me on a flight leaving Sunday at 1:00pm. So, I started packing, preparing my room as best as possible to survive the storm, and prayed that my flight wouldn’t get cancelled. At that point, Delta and United had already stopped flying in and out of the city.

Got up early Sunday morning, after a couple hours of sleep. Finished packing, and got a ride to the airport. Got in line to check in for my flight, and kept praying. The longer I stood in line, the more announcements were being made that flights were being cancelled. About 9:00 or so they announced that everything after my 1:00 flight was cancelled. Only 30 minutes later, they announced that everything scheduled to leave after 9:45 am was cancelled.

During all this, I had been making conversation with a couple in front of me in line. They had come to town from New Jersey to move their son into one of the dorms at my school. They were scheduled to fly out on Sunday evening. As soon as they announced everything was cancelled, I suggested we share a rental car and just get away from the city. They agreed, and off we went. We got one of three rental cars left in the city! We loaded our luggage, and hit the road.

Initially we had some problems getting going the way we wanted to go. We wanted to head NorthWest toward Baton Rouge so that they could catch a flight from there and I could continue towards Dallas. Because of the contraflow, we couldn’t get onto any main road. We finally were able to head North on a backroad all the way to Baton Rouge. We got there, got to the airport, and parted ways. Before we did however, the man was nice enough to offer to take care of all expenses related to the rental car for a week; we agreed if I ended up having to keep it longer, we’d work out details for me to pay him back at a later date. He also offered to give me some cash for gas and snacks along the way. I declined and off I went, headed West towards Tx.

Traffic was horrendous. Baton Rouge is normally an hour drive. It took us closer to 3-4 hours. I’m unclear on the times here, as the last thing I paid attention to was the clock. Traffic continued to be slow until I got to I-49 and started heading North. Managed to make some decent time until things started slowing down. At one point during the day, traffic was at a complete standstill for at least 30 minutes. Once I got to Shreveport and headed West, traffic was great. I was able to make up time. Finally arrived at my sister’s around 12:30 Sunday evening/Monday morning.

During the drive, I received more phone calls than I had in the past month or more!! I don’t think my cell has ever rang so much. Not to mention the calls I missed because of no signal. I heard from some people I hadn’t talked to in 3, 4, and 5 years. Words cannot express what those calls meant to me. And the prayers. It blows me away and leaves me amazed and in awe.

So, that’s my story. Not very exciting, but plenty stressful.

Now, I’m camping out in front of the tv. Praying, watching, and waiting to see what happens. Looks like the earliest I’ll be able to return is early next week, if then. All the news stations show the downtown/quarter area. Nobody has shown much of uptown, which is the part of the city my school is in. And since the power is out, the school’s server and website is down, so I cannot get updates directly from the school.

I did talk to my classmate, Liz. Her and her family were able to evacuate. From the information they and I have been able to gather, they are pretty sure their house is gone. She lived in the Slidell area, which seems to have gotten hit by the west side of the eye. Her house was pretty much right on the water. As she said on the phone today, “We’re pretty much screwed.”

Continue praying. All those in the areas hit will need prayers for months to come. I’ll keep y’all updated as best I can.

I am alive and safe!

Thanks for the comments. And the prayers.

I am safe and sound. Currently crashing at my sister’s outside of Dallas.

I’ll share more details about the day and how awesome God was at providing and giving me an angel to help me along my way once I get some sleep.

And Another……

I love the way, I love the way You carry on
You make me wanna say, you make me wanna sing another love song

Sing another love song, sing another love song
Sing another love song to You

Bury my head for the shame, You pick me up, You say I look like You
Though it makes no sense to me, You make me believe I could trust someone

I could ever trust someone, I could ever trust someone
I could ever trust someone, I could ever trust someone

Sing another love song, sing another love song
Sing another love song, sing another love song

I walk through flame, I touch the fire, You know that I still burn for You
Flood water rain crash down, soak the ground, still I thirst for You
Still I thirst for You

Sing another love song, sing another love song
Though it makes non sense to me, You make me wanna sing
Make me wanna sing

Words and Music by: Dan Haseltine, Chralie Lowell, Stephen Mason, Matt Odmark

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It seems that this week I just cannot use my own words to get my thoughts/feelings out. Others seem to say it better than I can. Such is life. For whatever reason, I repeated this song a number of times this evening. That’s a big deal, considering the stereo is in the other room. I’ve had to keep getting up, running into the other room, and starting this song over and over again. It just seems to fit. Two parts seem to be hitting me tonight. Well, maybe more than two.

Love. That is something I’ve struggled with for most of my life. I’m not sure I know what love is. I say I love my friends and family, but I even doubt that love. Not that I don’t mean it when I say it to you. I just wonder if I really know about love to be able to give it to others. Maybe because I’ve felt unlovable for so long. I’m not going into it now, I just don’t have the strength or energy. But, because of things in my past, particularly from my childhood, I more often than not feel unlovable. Makes it hard to believe God loves me unconditionally. Yet, He makes me want to love. I want to love Him. I want to love others. I want to share His love with others. But mostly, I want to love Him. Easier said than done.

He says I look like Him. We all do. “God created human beings; he created them godlike, Reflecting God’s nature.” (Genesis 1:27, The Message Remix) I don’t feel like I reflect God’s nature very well. God is loving, compassionate, patient, forgiving, and many more things that I am definitely not. How can I look like God when I’m not sure I know how to love? Afterall, “God is love” (1 John 4:8). Maybe my mirror needs to be clean, but I just don’t see God when I look at my reflection.

“You make me believe I could trust someone.” Oh how true those words are for me. God does make me believe I could trust someone. Too bad I don’t trust. Too many times of getting burned. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I refuse to allow anybody that chance to fool me twice. Heck, I rarely give anybody the opportunity to fool me once. I do not open myself to others. Very rarely do I get into the deep conversations I crave. Sure, I can fake my way pretty good. Throw out some Scripture, talk about following God’s will. But, I don’t really tell what’s in my heart. My dreams, fears, insecurities. I just pretend to have it all together. That it’s all under control because I’ve given it to God. I want to trust others, but it’s hard to trust people when I have a problem trusting God. Trusting others without firsting trusting God is impossible, in my opinion. Too bad I have problems with both of those. I do want to trust. Deep in my heart, I want to trust. But the trust was broken too often in the past. I’m still mourning some of the more recent times.

I definitely thirst for Him. I doubt whether I really burn for Him. It’s been far too long since I felt like I was on fire for God. Yet, I’ve never stopped thirsting for Him. I want the living water, yet it just keeps running through my hands. How do I quench that thirst? I’m still trying to figure it out.


Please, please, please leave me a comment, folks. Even if it’s just to let me know you are reading and don’t have a comment.

How Could You?

Thorns on His head, spear in His side
Yet it was a heartache that made Him cry
He gave His life so you would understand
Is there anyway you could say no to this man?

If Christ Himself were standing here
Face full of glory and eyes full of tears
And He held out His arms and His nail printed hands
Is there anyway you could say no to this man?

How could you look in His tear stained eyes
Knowing it’s you He’s thinking of
Could you tell Him you’re not ready to give Him your life?
Could you say you don’t think you need His love?

Jesus is here with His arms open wide
You can see Him with your heart if you’ll stop looking with your eyes
He’s left it up to you, He’s done all that He can
Is there anyway you could say no to this man?

How could you look in His tear stained eyes
Knowing it’s you He’s thinking of
Could you tell Him you’re not ready to give Him your life?
Could you say you don’t think you need His love?

Thorns on His head, your life in His hands
Is there anyway you could say no to this man?
Is there anyway you could say no to this man?

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Again, a song that says it better than me……..

Unfortunately, I don’t have the name of the person who wrote this. I believe Steve Angrisano wrote it, but could be mistaken. I could also be mistaken on the spelling of his last name.

The line in bold is what gets me everytime. To think that Jesus was crying, not because of the pain, humiliation, etc. but because of the stupid stuff I do everyday; the sins that I continue to commit that break His heart everytime. That He could handle everything but me screwing up. Makes me realize just how unworthy I am of all He gives me.

I literally cannot believe that He loves me enough to put up with me and my humanity sometimes. That God is willing to overlook the idiotic things I do on a daily basis, and still give His life for me? It blows my mind. It is still something I struggle to accept. I just cannot seem to wrap my mind around it. I’m thankful, but in disbelief.

How are y’all able to accept this? How can you so easily accept His love and forgiveness?

Let Me Sing & Shameless Promotion

Let me sing
It’s the only time I feel bold enough
To say, I love You

Cross my heart
I would love to sit and talk
Cause You mean so much, You mean so much

Let me sing forever
My words are only good in songs

How can I articulate Your beauty when I’m
Standing still, drying my lips cause it’s You

Let me sing forever
My words are only good in songs

No famous poem outlines You
No well-written book describes You
No perfume letter can express to You what I feel

Let me sing forever
My words are only good in songs

Words and Music by Reggie Scott, Performed by Rhythm

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I love this song. I never get tired of hearing it, which is rare. And it really is the way I feel. I can talk all day, and never really tell God what’s on my mind and/or heart. Yet, when I find just the right song, it says everything I’m trying to get out. That song can change from day to day, or week to week. But it’s so much easier for me to just play the song over and over, joining in raising my voice and heart to God.

And the cd this song is off of (The Forward Concept) is just filled with songs like that; songs that seem to just reach into my head and heart and pull out what I haven’t been able to. The song writing skills the guys from Rhythm have are just so awesome. Plus, they’re pretty good at playing those instruments, too.

And they recently signed a national record deal. (Independent up until now.) They will be re-releasing The Forward Concept in September. You should definitely check them out. Not your typical music. For instance, their band consists of keys, guitar, bass, drum, trumpet, and trombone. And they don’t really fit into one genre…it’s great! And their live show is the most energetic I’ve ever seen. Another cool thing is that one of these guys sang background vocals on one of their first promo’s. I’ll let you guess which one. In fact, the first person to guess correctly will get a free Rhythm ep I have as an extra. (Yes, this is a bribe to get somebody to leave me some sort of comment. I have no shame!) Sorry, the ep doesn’t have the song one of those guys sang on.

You can go here to preorder their cd if you’re interested. Check them out. You won’t be disappointed!

Doubt

Doubt is a constant in my life. And I hate that! Yet, it’s something that I have not been able to let go of. I seriously doubt something everyday. I doubt myself, my abilities, my family, friends. I even doubt God. I hate saying that, but it’s true.

I hate that I doubt those who say they love me. Yet, it’s been part of my life for so very long that it seems to be out of my control. I even doubt that people love me. Why?

I think it goes back to my dad. So much of what I consider wrong in my life goes back to him. I know that most people are going to see that as a cop-out; that I’m just being childish and not willing to take responsibility for my own life. But, if you knew the story behind my dad and our relationship, you might have a better understanding of it all. And even ten and a half years after his death, I still can’t talk about all of that. I still feel guilty about some of it. Like I shouldn’t have these bitter feelings toward him because he was my dad afterall, and he did his best in loving me.

Basically, it all comes down to I don’t trust anybody. I’ve been stabbed in the back way too many times. Even by those who say they love me. Too many instances of them saying they love me to my face, and then turning around and hurting me in ways I didn’t know were possible. I even doubt God’s love at times. Again, I know I shouldn’t. But it’s part of my nature.

And, at times, I think it’s the part of my nature I hate the most. I so badly wish that I didn’t doubt. I don’t want to doubt myself, family, or friends. I especially don’t want to doubt God. I want to be able to feel loved. To trust those who say they care; to not worry that they’re saying that just to make me vulnerable or get something out of me.

I feel like I’ve been working my whole life to overcome this. And I’m going nowhere fast. Yes, I’ve given it up to God. But another of my weaknesses is being a control freak and always taking it back from Him. And I know that it needs to be something I give up on a daily basis. But I’ve been putting God and all that relates to Him on the back burner lately. I’ve been getting too caught up in myself and the stuff I have going on. I know what I need to do to get back on track, but I lack the discipline lately.

Today I realized that I need to work on that; on getting God back to the center instead of me being at the center. Part of that may involve needing to cut out certain activities and people out of my life. It’s hard for me to let go of those things and people. Yet, they are becoming a distraction; I’m more worried about them, what they’re thinking and doing, and what I might miss. I need to be worried about God, what He’s thinking, what I’m missing because I’m not where I should be in my relationship with Him. So, if you don’t hear from me for awhile, know that He and I are getting some things straightened out.

Absolutely Nothing

So, I haven’t added anything enlightening or interesting on here lately. For one thing, I haven’t had a whole lot of free time. Between work, ending work, packing, driving, and getting re-settled, I have not had any free time, much less time to come up with something profound.

And that brings us to the second thing. I want this place to be a little more significant than my day-to-day happenings.

Hopefully, now that things have settled down a little, I’ll have some time to do some deep thinking. Or at least pretend to do some deep thinking. Anything will be better than nothing, right?

Oh yeah, I’m still waiting for somebody, anybody to tell me what their first impression was of me. Remember, I don’t care if it’s “nice” or not. I just want complete honesty.

Busted….

So tonight was my last night at the Trone’s Bible study for awhile. It was nice to be back for another summer…even if the original crew is all gone. With the exception of JD, of course. But he’s a special case and I love him for it!

Tonight we watched a little video and had discussion questions. I don’t remember the name of the speaker in the video, but he was really good! He told a story about his little boy.

This family keeps a bowl on their kitchen table that collects the random things that belong nowhere else. One day, he notices a white ball in the bowl. He asks his wife about it, and she hadn’t seen it before. He asks his boys. The youngest doesn’t know anything about it. The older starts acting unnatural, and claims he knows nothing about it. A few days later, the boys are playing. The younger one runs to his mother, crying and telling her his brother hit him. The older one runs in, again acting unnatural, and claiming he knows nothing about it. His mother replies with, “Just like the white ball?”

Busted!!! The little boy runs upstairs and ‘hides.’ Later, when Dad gets home and hears the story, he starts looking for the older boy. Checks the boy’s room. Then the younger boy’s room. Then the bathroom. The last place is the parent’s bedroom. As Dad stands in the doorway, he sees a lump under the covers in the center of the bed that is the size and shape of his son. At this point, the boy has been under there a couple of hours, and is probably miserable.

Dad sits on the edge of the bed, and slowly pulls back the covers. Once the boy is exposed, he has two options. He can grab the covers, pull them back up, and continue hiding. Or he can lay there, exposed and vulnerable, waiting for his father’s discipline and correction. Dad says to the boy, “There is nothing you can ever do that will make me love you less.” The little boy sits up, wraps his arms around Dad, and begins sobbing. The Dad keeps repeating his comment over and over again.

How often have I done something I shouldn’t and tried to hide the fact, only to be busted by Abba Daddy? Too many times to count! And when that junk is revealed, do I allow Him to make me vulnerable and exposed or do I grab the covers and go back to hiding? I tend to go back to hiding. But the question Paul brought up tonight that really got to me was along the lines of…..

Do I know in my heart, not just my head, that God loves me unconditionally? That nothing I can do will make Him love me less? Do I have people in my life that I know would not love me less no matter what I did?

I’m still working on those answers. I’m not liking the initial answers that popped into my head.

Aunt Mary

My plans for my day off today changed after I read a note from Mom and then read the newspaper. Aunt Mary passed away, and the funeral was this afternoon.

Mary wasn’t really my aunt. Not biologically anyway. She was my best friend’s (Katrina) aunt. I grew up with Katrina, and Mary really was like an aunt to me. She was the sweetest, kindest, most generous lady ever. One of my favorite memories of her was when she was working at the local Wal-Mart. I was probably 8. Our family had gone there one day, and were eating lunch in the little snack bar they had. I had ordered nachos, and literally got something like 5 chips with 2 drops of cheese. The next time we went out there, Mary was on her lunch break. She bought me nachos, and made sure I got her money’s worth. For whatever reason, I’ve always remembered that. That, and the time I spent Christmas Eve with Katrina’s family. Mary had gotten me a gift so that when presents were opened, I wasn’t left out.

Everytime I saw Mary, she gave me a big hug and would sit with me for hours, wanting to know everything that was going on with me. She was always so happy to see everybody and would do anything for you. I hadn’t seen her in a few years. Her health was bad, and she was in a nursing home. I now regret not taking the time to go see her when I was in town.

Pray for her family. Especially her sister, Nita. (Nita is Katrina’s mom.) Nita is taking this really hard because she was not in town when Mary passed away. She had gone to Baltimore to visit some friends and family. She had talked to Mary on Thursday night, before she left, and she was doing really well. She’s really beating herself up because she wasn’t here for her sister.