So Completely

First off, thanks to all those who left comments. Thank you for the love, concern, encouragement, offers of help, and especially the prayers. Words cannot express how grateful I am and how much y’all mean to me. Things are getting better, one day at a time.

Tonight I was in a bit of a reclusive mood. So, instead of watching tv with Mom in the den, I retreated to the bedroom. With the tv playing in the background, I hopped onto the trusty laptop to venture on my normal internet travels. After the shows I was semi-interested in ended, I shut off the tv and started up iTunes. After a great AIM chat with my Ali J., I was debating turning off the ‘puter, turning on some music, and crawling onto the bed to spend some time with Someone I’ve been neglecting recently. But, before I did, a song that I enjoy and haven’t listened to recently started playing. And being the music person I am, I had to sit and listen.

The song was “Too Many Lovers” by Matt White Band. One line in the chorus is really what struck me this listen through. It says, “You only need me when you want me.” How true is this of so many relationships in life.

I had a conversation with my friend, Debby, today. I had emailed her to let her know that I had heard from some of our Emmaus/Chrysalis friends that neither of us had heard from in quite some time. She caught me on MSN Messenger, and we had a discussion about friendships from our days in Cruces not being what we thought they were. Not all of them, but at least some of them. For me, many of those relationships are ones that, during that season of my life, I thought would be lifetime friendships; relationships that would, could, withstand anything. I was wrong. Which doesn’t really come as a surprise, but has cause me to have to mourn losing some of those relationships. Which hasn’t been totally bad, because it’s meant that I’ve had “room” to welcome new friends into my life. These new friends make up my crew, which I dearly love!

Can you tell I get easily distracted?

Anyway, I started thinking about how some relationships in my life are “need” relationships, and others are “want” relationships. There are people that I need to have in my life. And then there are the people I want in my life. And how, the relationships that are need based, are the ones that really do last. And the people that are in that want group are often the ones that I lose contact with. And when a relationship moves from the want to the need….that’s just a beautiful thing! But is this true of all relationships?

Not in my life. I realized that, for me, God has been both a need and a want relationship. He kind of moves back and forth between the two categories. When He’s in the want category, life is so good. When He’s in the need category, well it’s usually not so good. Why this is? I think it’s because, when He’s a need relationship is when I realize things are bad, that I changed Him from being a want relationship; things are bad, I’m down, and I’m at my rope’s end so I finally come to terms with the fact that I want Him because I need Him. Or maybe I need Him because I want Him. Either way, I should want Him. Yes, I need Him. But, I need lots of things I don’t want. It’s not really a love relationship if it’s purely a need; it has to have some want in there as well.

Again, I’m not sure if this makes sense at all. I always think I have something really insightful to share here. Yet, once I start typing, it just disappears. So, I’ll end with the chorus of a Keith Urban song that really is speaking to me tonight (and no, I’m not drunk):

I’ve never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein’ strong meant never losin’ your self-control
But I’m just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

“Tonight I Wanna Cry” Written by Monty Powell and Keith Urban

If you couldn’t tell already, yesterday was a bad day. I have more of those than the good ones as of late. That’s hard, because I tend to be a happy person by nature. I can still remember a girl in high school who told me I smiled too much.

Today is a good day. I’m trusting that the rest of this week will be all good days. But, I know the bad days will return. They usually come on the days that I don’t really have anything productive to do; the days when I have too much time to dwell on all the stress I have going on in my life right now.

My friends are the best. Y’all will never know how much you mean to me. How humbled I am that you are concerned about me. That you’re willing to offer everything for me. That you’re willing to love me, and to get on your knees for me. Thank you is not enough, but it’s all I have. Thank you!

For whatever reason, people like to remind me that God never gives a person more than they can handle. Yet, I often wonder how true that is. I know that we go through trials because we are being refined and strengthened. But, do we ever get a break?

Yes, I do realize I am better off than so many people. Yet, this whole hurricane crap is just getting to be too much for me. I hate hearing about, hate getting asked how I’m doing. On the surface, I put on a smile and pretend all is fine. Inside, I’m shitty. (If you’re offended by the language, stop reading now. It’s not going to get better.) I hate being where I’m at. I hate that my plans have changed. Yes, I’m a control freak. Yes, I know that I should be giving that control to God. But, I don’t. That’s one of my many faults and something I fail at on a daily basis. It hasn’t changed yet, and I don’t think it will anytime soon. I hate that my plans have been changed. And that everybody expects me to be okay with that change. Yes, I got out safely, and am not having to deal with losing my family and all my worldly belongings. But, I’ve lost my peace, joy, faith, and so many other things I cannot put into words.

I hate that I don’t have a job. Yes, I’ve been “hired” as a substitute teacher. But, in two weeks, I’ve worked one day. That one day of work will not pay the bills. I have to purchase, for a second time, all the books I need to complete two courses this semester. And, possibly, the tuition for those classes, since the school won’t get back to me about my financial aid. I have a cell phone bill due, which is more than normal because of going over minutes while trying to evacuate. Don’t get me wrong, I loved that so many people called me during that time, but now I’m having to literally pay for it. Yes, I’m living at home, which means no rent, utilities, food, etc. But, any extra little thing I want or need has to come out of my pocket. For instance, I had to go buy a new bible. All of my bibles are in my apartment in New Orleans. So, I had to get another one, which had to come out of my pocket. (The only Bibles in my Mom’s house are picture bibles.) I needed some new makeup so that when I work I look “professional.” And so many other things that just come up on a day-to-day basis. Including gas. And it doesn’t help that I’m driving a gas-guzzler of a pickup. And I don’t go many places, but have to get out of the house at least once an hour, or risk losing what little sanity I have left.

I hate that I’m so stressed about everything. I feel sorry for those who have to interact with me on a daily basis. I have not been an easy person to live with lately. I realize that. But it’s not something I can change. Circumstances are what they are and I’ve done all in my power right now to change that. And worrying about some of my friends just adds to it. (And don’t tell me to not worry. It’s my nature, it’s what I do.)

And I know some of you are going to think that maybe I shouldn’t make the trip to North Carolina because of the money factor. But, I’m more scared of what would happen if I don’t make that trip. I need to get away; need to spend some time with friends; need to have a weekend of fun and laughter, of being loved on. If I don’t get that, I really think I’ll end up in a place that I haven’t been in since high school and the first couple of years of undergrad. It’s a scary place and I don’t want to go back there. I promised myself I wouldn’t go back there. I don’t want to think about what might happen if I do go back there.

And, I just got word that the rental car place is opened again. Which means, I have to drive the car back to New Orleans, and then find another way back out. Which also means more money that I don’t have. Gas money to drive there. And money to pay for some other mode of transportation out. Probably gas money for my sister to follow me there, and then drive me back to Dallas. And then money for a plane ticket the rest of the way home.

And, my relationship with God is so lacking. I haven’t had a quiet time in months. Haven’t read the Word, outside of Bible study, in just as long. Haven’t spent anytime trying to get it right. I have a very, very small desire, way down deep, that wants to change all that. But, that desire is losing to all the stress. And, I’m letting it die a slow, painful death. Almost like I don’t care anymore. In my head, I know this isn’t true, but…..I feel like God doesn’t care anymore, so why should I. And I’ve seen the results in all of this coming out in ways that are slowly killing my soul. There is a specific sin that I’ve struggled with for about 5 years. It’s something that I’ve never told anybody else about…I’m too ashamed. Yet, I want to tell somebody just because I know it would help. We’re told to confess our sins to each other; it’s required if we truly want to be healed of it. But the shame is too much for me. I can’t handle those I love looking at me with the shame and pity this would bring out. I’ve always been the strong one; I don’t know how to be vulnerable.

I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t. Help me. Please.

That’s how the saying goes. And then there’s the ever popular, “There’s no place like home.” Funny how they can both be true at the same time.

Now, first off, I’d like to state that I love my Mom, despite our conflicts. And I love that I have a home I can return to in times like this.

Yet, I hate being here. Part of it comes from the fact that the knowledge that I’m not supposed to be here right now keeps running through my mind. Everytime I see somebody around town that makes some comment along the lines of “I didn’t know you had moved back to town,” reminds me that I’m not supposed to be here. I am supposed to be in New Orleans, working hard at my school work, enjoying time with my friends, working on getting closer to achieving my goals and dreams.

There’s no place like home, which is why you can’t go home again. Maybe this only makes sense in my head. Things at home have changed so much since I “lived” here. It’s not the same. And the difference isn’t necessarily a good thing. Maybe I’m the one who’s done all the changing. Although, I tend to doubt that because Sister sees the same changes at “home.” I won’t go into details, because I don’t think it’s right to “air dirty laundry” here. But things, and people, just aren’t the same.

And that’s another thing that makes it so hard to be here. In many ways, I don’t see this as home anymore. I don’t really feel like I have a home right now. Probably because so many of the things I associate with the word home, I don’t feel like I have here. The last time I felt like I had a home was when I was living in Las Cruces. Or at least 18 months out of the last two years I was there. The last six months could have been better, but that’s another story for another day.

I seem to be looking for so much lately. Searching. In some ways, I know exactly what I’m looking for, but don’t know how to find it. Other times, I don’t know what I’m searching for; and not even a clue as to go about trying to figure out what it is I’m missing. And other ways, I know what I’m needing, and how to get it, but I lack the discipline and desire to go out and find it.

I don’t even know if this makes sense to anybody other than me. Maybe I just have too much going on in my head. And I can’t seem to make it stop. Somebody, please, make it stop.

Aside from feeling unlovable, disappointment has to be the worst feeling in the world. No matter which direction it’s headed; disappointing others or being disappointed by others. I’ve been experiencing both of these quite a bit lately. And some of it seems to be totally…….(my mind is drawing a complete blank as to what word I’m looking for. Will edit it in later, when I finally think of it.)

I’m not sure why I feel like I’m disappointing others. I don’t believe I’ve really done anything lately that would cause disappointment. And I’ve had no expectations for others that would cause me to be disappointed in them. I guess there is no explanation as to why I feel this way. I just do.

And I’m not liking it. Especially being disappointed in others. I haven’t told these people that I’m disappointed. What’s the point? It’s not like I was expecting something from them and they failed to deliver. In one case, I actually expected nothing, and am disappointed that nothing is exactly what I got.

I can’t tell you where exactly this train of thought is headed. I guess I’m disappointed that I’m disappointed. The story of my life.

That seems to be quite the buzz word the past few years. At least in the circles I travel in, as small as they may be. In fact, when I was on the leadership team at Newman in Las Cruces, I was put in charge of trying to start up accountability groups.

I learned through that experience that accountability is not something you can force or plan. At least not true accountability. Yes, I was able to have meetings that included people who were interested in joining these groups. They sincerely wanted to find somebody with whom they could share life, be challenged, and grow. But, all they were searching for could not happen after one meeting. Especially when most of the people hardly knew each other.

Why do I bring this up? Well, for one, I have been praying for years for at least one person in my life who could/would truly hold me accountable. I have yet to find them. I know there are people out there who would be willing. The problem is that I just haven’t had a close enough relationship with anybody long enough for accountability to truly be a big part of the relationship. And there just haven’t been people who have been willing to just come out and tell me what they see in my life that isn’t what it should be, and tell me so.

That, and it kind of bothers me when people try to “force” the accountability part of a friendship/relationship. This happened to me, in a roundabout way, this week. Monday night, after Bible Study, I was talking to an acquaintance of mine. We’ll call her “E.” E and I had graduated high school together; we had mutual friends in high school, but never really hung out. And definitely weren’t close friends. Now, when we see each other, we have a very surface-level conversation that includes “how are you,” and “how’s work/school/whatever may apply here.”

After us exchanging pleasantries, E walked over to talk to another of her friends there. At that point, a person I dearly love and trust, pulled me to the side. I was told that I should get E’s phone number. “Since you’re about the same age, you could hang out, job search together, and hold each accountable.” While I have nothing against E, and have no problems hanging out with her, I was bothered by the accountability comment. Now, if E and I spent the next couple of months hanging out, and accountability came out of that, that would be great. But, I am not going to hang out with somebody, all in the hopes of gaining an accountability partner out of it.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you have somebody in your life who holds you accountable? How did that come about?

Yes, I want an “accountability partner” in my life; somebody with who there is mutual trust, and a mutual ability to approach the other and tell them what each of us sees that might not be right. But I’m not going to go out looking for it. I will trust God to bring me that person when the time is right; for that relationship to form naturally and out of love.

Or not. There are a few reasons that this hasn’t been updated in awhile. One being that I wanted Wayne’s relief concert info to stay on top for as long as possible. I so wish I could be there for it this weekend. Believe it or not, I’d rather go to Wayne’s than the one Third Day is going to play at.

A few of the other reaons include not having much free time and not having much to say. I’ve been busy job hunting this week and working on some other projects. And, I am wanting to get this blog back to being my “deep thought” place. I haven’t had much time for deep thougths lately. And I haven’t had the deep thoughts even in the time I’ve had. Most of that stems from the fact that those thoughts hit me either while listening to music or reading my Bible or another thought provoking book. All of my cd’s, Bibles, and books are in my apartment in New Orleans. Which means I haven’t been having my quiet times, or spending time in the Word. The only books at my disposal are Mom’s romance novels. Not necessarily categorized under “thought provoking.”

But, I have the house to myself this weekend. And, I plan on heading out to the local stores and looking for a semi-decent Bible (that sounds funny) to use until I get mine back. Unfortunately, living where I am right now, the choices are limited. I also plan on spending some time just enjoying music and taking it easy. Maybe I’ll have a deep thought for you in a few days.

And for those wondering, the job hunting has paid off. I will be serving as a substitute teacher in the local school district. I will only be working in the elementary schools. I decided against the junior high and high school age groups on Tuesday night. I went up to the high school to watch the band rehearse. I saw some old family friends there. She is still holding an office with the Band Boosters. Their youngest son, who I used to babysit, is a sophomore. When he gave me a hug, my head hit at about his elbow. I’ll leave that age group to those who are actually taller than the students.

And one last thing. I’m hoping to make a few changes to the layout over on the side there ———-> Nothing major, since I don’t have the skills necessary. Mostly just adding links to other blogs I read on a regular basis. If yours shows up and you don’t want it on there, please email me or post a comment and let me know.

For those of you in the Houston area, or within driving distance, this is for you.

My friend, Wayne Kerr, is putting on a relief concert for the survivors of Hurricane Katrina. Here is the email from his beautiful bride, Kelley, with the details and how it’s been such a God thing.

“Dear friends,
Thank you all so much for offering your hands and feet to make this Katrina Relief Concert fly. Wayne and I are honored that you are offering to help.

The official date is Sunday Sept 18th. 6:30pm Merrell Center

First, let me tell you how God is working here… Wayne (Kerr) woke up at 4am last week and felt God leading him to plan this concert, so he starts praying because he knows that it takes months and months to pull off a big concert! He calls the Merrell Center and the Lord must have already been at work because by the end of the day, Mr. Jim Chapman at the Merrell Center calls back and donates the Merrell Center and all of its employees and ushers for this event to benefit the hurricane victims!

He then calls his friend, Wayne Watson, who says, “I don’t know if my calendar is open…let me call my booking agent” and by the end of the day calls back with a thumbs up. Wayne Watson…Grammy winning musician??? Go God!

Before the weekend even started, God supplied the money needed for advertising from Grace Fellowship then Max Deyer from the Houston Symphony committed to play his cello at the concert! And to top it all off, this morning we hear from Susan O’Donnell at KSBJ who says she’ll be a guest at the concert and will even broadcast from the Merrell Center for her Sunday night show!

So….Lord…whatever you are doing, we are going to hold on tight!

Second, I will be connecting with you via email within the next week to let you know what we need. Some of our needs will be:
Ushers
Ticket takers
Merchandise sales people
Stage Crew to un-load
Stage Crew to re-load after concert

The most important thing we need is word of mouth advertising! Please let everyone you know about this event. I’ll send you an email in a few days with a great jpeg advertisement….please send it out to everyone in your address book. The event is free and we’ll be taking a love offering during the concert. We will also collect diapers, canned food, bottled water, blankets, and pillows. Please do not bring clothing.

Hurricane victims are also invited to this night of music and worship.

Please put the date and time on your calendars.
Sunday, Sept 18th
6:30pm
Merrell Center

Thanks again for offering your time and energy to help raise money for the Katrina Victims.
In Christ,
Kelley Kerr

Lord, all for your glory. Use us however you would want in order to help your hurting children. Father, all the money in the world is yours…bring your people to help your people. Bless your name!!!”

If you can’t go, keep this event in prayers. And for those in the area, if you are interested in helping out, please email me with your contact info and the ways you can help and I’ll make sure Wayne gets that info.

I have to take a day and tell y’all how much I love my friend, Marie. She has been my saving grace in so many ways over the past year.

I met Marie just over a year ago, when we were both beginning our “adventures” at Loyola University New Orleans. I had moved in on a Wednesday, and was feeling a bit overwhelmed, especially since all the roommates thus far were students at the Law School. Then Saturday came along. I had run out to find some food, and came back to a new girl moving in. I walked in to her room, and introduced myself. Marie’s Mom and I had a great beginning conversation. 😉 I’d ask Marie a question, and her Mom would answer. It was funny and we do laugh about it often.

Over the course of the academic year, Marie and I spent alot of time together. Mostly because we were kindred spirits….and we need another non-law student to vent to. We ate lunch together on a daily basis. Shared a fondness for Days of Our Lives and Passions. (Yes, I watch a couple of soap operas! When I can, anyway.) Spent many hours at the “library.” (Although, it wasn’t always the library; you had to be there to understand.) And went on our “dates” about once a month. On Friday night, we’d get dressed, jump on the street car, and head down to the Quarter. We’d have dinner, enjoy some beignets and cafe au lait at Cafe du Monde, and then catch a movie at a theater that only showed independent films.

I spent over an hour on the phone with Marie yesterday. That’s a big deal for me, as I’ve never been much of a phone person. We were talking about our plans since school wasn’t going to be happening this semester. We had both talked to some of the law school roommates who have already started classes elsewhere. They had made both of us question our decision to take the semester off. It was nice to talk to somebody who knows exactly where I am coming from. Who gets why everything I left in New Orleans is as good as gone to me, until I can physically touch it again. Why it’s not feasible for me to go to a different school. Why we will go back to New Orleans in January without a second thought.

So, Marie…you rock, chica!!!! I’m so thankful that God placed us together. I really don’t know what I would have done without you for the past year. I look forward to cramming two semesters worth of fun with you into one. Much love to ya!

There is a new organization that has formed since Katrina in hopes of helping it’s survivors and refugees. FindShelter is an organization that is working to match up churches with families that have lost everything in the hurricane.

The church would be responsible for providing all the family’s needs for a year. This includes housing, food, psychiatric treament, child care, spiritual counseling, help in job placement, and anything else the family might need.

I think this is awesome!!!!! It helps these families, who have nothing but their lives in most cases. And, it gives the church the chance to truly be the Church, both in word and deed. Plus, they have a pretty cool spokesperson, who talks about it here.

If your church has the ability to do this, I suggest you forward the link to your pastor/priest/etc. and anybody else who could get the ball rolling.