So Completely

I’m a fan of one-liners. Especially when their origin is a good time shared with good friends. Those times that you laugh so hard you cry, and if you were trying to eat, it’s to no avail as your stomach hurts too badly. I had one of those time last night with Rob and Shannon. They were two of my coworkers at the Cave this summer. Good times, good food, good friends. True story.

My updates will continue to be non-existent until next week sometime. This week has been full of time with family and friends, and getting stuff ready to head back to school. The rest of the week is more of the same. Then I head out Sunday to begin my travels back to New Orleans. Say a prayer for me.

Merry Christmas to you, my readers! I want to share one of my favorite Christmas songs with you all.

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Today the carpenter was born, and I wonder have you seen him?
Today the carpenter was born, and I wonder if you know him.
Do you know him?

Tiny little hands that will calm the sea,
Even the ones inside of me
Tiny little hands will know the hammer,
Will know the nail too well, too well

Today the carpenter was born, and I wonder have you seen him?
Today the carpenter was born, and I wonder if you know him.
Do you know him?

Tiny little eyes that look into my heart
Even through to the darkest part
Tiny little feet will walk to meet
You and I just where we are, just where we are

Today the carpenter was born, and I wonder have you seen him?
Today the carpenter was born, and I wonder if you know him.
Do you know him?

Today the carpenter was born, and I wonder have you seen him?
Today the carpenter was born, and I wonder do you know?
Do you know him?

Words and Music by this guy.

That question was asked of me last night by a friend. We were having a conversation via instant messenger, and they mentioned needing to get their beauty sleep. I said that I had given up on that, as it didn’t seem to do any good. I explained that I had accepted long ago that I am not, and will never be, what most people consider pretty. That’s the way it goes. In response to that this friend asked me since when I had started giving in to society. (Or something along those lines, I can’t remember the exact wording.)

It really started making me think. Since when have I accepted society’s standards for anything, especially what is considered pretty or beautiful? And the answer has to be….since ever. Since I knew what society’s standards are. But is that necessarily a bad thing? I’m not trying to live up to those standards. I’m just accepting that I do not always meet those standards. I am okay with that. In fact, in some ways, I prefer that.

Is it a bad thing to give in to society’s standards? Even if you don’t accept them? Since when?

“But if anyone causes one of these little ones who trusts in me to lose faith, it would be better for that person to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around the neck. If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better to enter heaven with only one hand than to go into the unquenchable fires of hell with two hands. If your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better to enter heaven with only one foot than to be thrown into hell with two feet. And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out. It is better to enter the Kingdom of God half blind than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell, where the worm never dies and the fire never goes out. For everyone will be purified with fire. Salt is good for seasoning. But if it loses its flavor, how do you make it salty again? You must have the qualities of salt among yourselves and live in peace with each other.” (Mark 9:42-50, New Living Translation)

I’m a slow learner when it comes to what lesson God is trying to teach me. So it’s no surprise that this passage of Scripture has been coming up for a couple of months, and I’ve just recently realized what God has been trying to tell me. It’s been tougher than usual for me to understand and come to grips with this lesson, because it goes against what I’ve been feeling this semester.

This semester has been tough because I have felt that I am not where I should be. I should not have spent the past three months back in New Mexico, living with Mom, working as a substitute teacher. I thought I should have been in New Orleans, working on my third semester of graduate school, completing my internship with University Ministry, working as a resident chaplain. And while I still feel like I should have been there and not here, I am realizing that God has been using these three months to work on me so that I am fully prepared to go back in less than two weeks.

How has this specific Scripture helped me to realize this? Let’s see if I can explain it to where you, my readers, will understand. We’ll begin with the first portion of this passage, where we are told that we, as disciples, should not be leading others astray. If something we are doing is causing others to lose faith, we need to cut that out of our lives. While God has not revealed to me a specific thing in my life that would cause others to stumble, He has shown me that my life, in general, needed some work.

I was to begin my job as a resident chaplain in August. That job would have (and will) require me to serve as an example to a large number of students; an example of a Christian truly striving to serve God. I would have been responsible, in some way, of the growth of those students in my dorm; of counseling them, and sharing the love of God. While I was, and am, excited about this opportunity, I realize that I was not ready then. My relationship with the Lord left alot to be desired. I was not being an affective witness. In fact, I see now that if I would have had that responsibility four months ago, I would have done more harm than good. And while I cannot say that I am ready now, I realize that I am at a better place. I am seeking after Him, yearing for Him; that leaves me in a better place than I was. I may not be able to be as good of an example as I like, but I can be an example of how we can run back to Him at anytime, no matter what we’ve done or how long we’ve been away. I can be a better example of what it means to pursue God, since I am pursuing Him more now than I was a few months ago.

God has been using this semester to purify me. While the fire has not been as hot as it was in past times of purification, it has been enough to burn out some of the impurities that were holding me back from being able to do an adequate job as a resident chaplain. There are still many impurities, but God has not turned off the fire yet. I pray that He does not do so anytime soon. I had lost my flavoring as salt; had lost it quite some time ago. I was trying too hard to cover myself with other’s salt and pass it off as my own. All I needed to do to regain my flavoring was to allow Him to give it to me. While I may not be as flavorful as some, I am more salty than I was a few months ago, or even a year ago. And I know He will be faithful in making me more flavorful than I ever have been, when the time is right.

While it has been hard dealing with everything that has gone along with this semester, I now see that it is better that I ‘lost’ this semester because He has been using it to prepare me for the next one. It is better for me to lose a few months than to lead others astray.

This is a community that I discovered a few years ago. It all started when a friend had emailed me asking me to pray for her friend’s son, who had cancer. This young boy’s mother had set up a website via Caring Bridge to keep everybody updated on his condition and specific prayer requests. That young boy, unfortunately, lost his battle to cancer not long after I was introduced to him and his story.

Since then, however, I have discovered new families on Caring Bridge. Some have been along the same lines of “a friend of a friend.” Others I have come across because of links on the pages of those I am ‘connected’ to. I make it a habit of checking on a couple of these kids a few times a week, and praying for them regularly. And I am now asking that you help me out in the prayer.

One of the families I came upon through a link on a friend’s son’s site has been having some major trials lately. Eli recently passed away at the young age of two years and nine months from Leigh’s disease. Not long after that, somebody hacked into their Caring Bridge website, and posted an entry claiming it was written by Eli’s mother, Ann. And to add even more insult to injury, their home was recently broken into. The thieves stole some of Eli’s things, as well as cameras that still had Eli’s last pictures on them.

Please lift up this family in your prayers. I cannot even begin to imagine what they are going through right now. Joining me in bringing them before the Father’s throne, and asking that He give them peace. And that whoever stole Eli’s things will return them.

I haven’t had many “deep” thoughts lately. Between work, still being sick, and trying to get other stuff taken care of this week, I’m doing good just getting a few hours sleep every night. There’s definitely been no time for updating this. So, I’m just going to leave you with the lyrics from a great original Christmas song by this guy.

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Not a single tear will roll down a child’s face
Get your kids together and sit by the fireplace
It may sound simple, optimistic too
But this is my Christmas wish for you

(This Christmas time)
(This Christmas time)

Decorate your tree and talk about your year
Put a hat on your dog, make him look like a reindeer
But don’t miss out on this opportunity
To love on your family

(This Christmas time)
(This Christmas time)
Only comes once a year
(This Christmas time)
It’s that time again, y’all
This Christmas time

That you can be thankful, may your joy increase
Let’s all be prayin’ for a time of peace
Call me a dreamer or in the minority
But this is my Christmas song you see

(This Christmas time)
(This Christmas time)

Let’s all remember why we celebrate
The biggest birthday recorded yet to date
The child who came, came to be a king
Let your life be the biggest gift you bring this year

(This Christmas time)
It’s Christmas time again
(This Christmas time)
We’re singing about you, Jesus
(This Christmas time)
It’s that time again
(This Christmas time)

I had a revelation of sorts today in regards to this thing of searching for an image of God that I can relate to. It all came down to one simple verse of Scripture. A verse that, like everybody else, I have heard and read hundreds of time. But, for whatever reason, today was the first time that it really just made sense to me. That verse?

“Be still, and know that I am God!” Psalms 46:10 (New Revised Standard Version)

The important thing is not how I relate to God, but that I am in relationship with Him. It doesn’t matter what role I see Him filling in my life, as long as I look to Him to fill the emptiness. He doesn’t care what image I see Him as, as long as I am looking to Him. I’m getting too bogged down in all the various labels. I need to just know that He is God. He is bigger than any trials I am going through. He is the perfect father/grandfather/whatever role I need filled. He is my God, who loves me, and who became flesh and died for my sins so that I could be in relationship with Him.

I believe it was Julian of Norwich who said that God spoke to her saying, “I am and you are not.” (That’s a rough paraphrase.) He is. I am not. That is all that matters.

I’ve hit a dead end. Or maybe just a really big speed bump. But, despite numerous efforts today, I just can’t seem to get any further on finding an image of God I can relate to. I’m drawing a blank when trying to think about what image I need to explore next.

Maybe I just need a break for a couple of days. Maybe the Enemy is attacking me by blocking my “vision.” Maybe the kiddos I had in class today just wore me out. Either way, tonight this is all you get.

And this statement: I hate cold fronts! I live in the desert people; it should be warm, sunny, and in the 70’s at least, not in the teens and twenties with windchills even colder!

My road trip to Abilene and Lubbock has been cancelled. I woke up sick this morning, and decided it was best to not go. I didn’t want to risk feeling worse and being away from home. Another bummer is that I went to buy my ticket for the Randy Travis concert that is here in town next week, and the lady in front of me bought the last tickets. Guess I’m not meant to go to a concert anytime soon. Since things have changed, my posts won’t be quite as lacking this week. So, on we go, working through this idea of how we, or I should say how I relate to God.

Yesterday, I substituted in a kindergarten class. It was an overall good class, but it really got me to thinking. Througout the day, some of the kids would come up and ask me, “Will you finish (insert project/work here) for me?” This question usually occurred when we’d make them stop a project before having to go somewhere else such as lunch or music. I found it very humorous.

But once I left and was doing my work out at the gym, I really started thinking about it. We are told that we should have faith like a child (Luke 9:48). How much faith did those children have in me? Quite a bit, considering they were shocked to find I hadn’t completed their work for them.

I think that part of my image of God should definitely contain that of “kindergarten teacher.” I should trust that God will “finish” my “work” for me when I ask. I need to have the faith to ask and trust that it will happen. While I know He’ll never leave the work unfinished, if I’ve asked Him to complete it and truly left it in His care, it’s a good place to start by just asking Him to do it. By becoming like those kids I had yesterday and believing that it will happen simply because I ask. At the same time, He’ll be a good teacher by making me do some stuff on my own. Yet, He’ll patiently sit by me, helping me along, guiding my hands, giving me the hints I need.

And it’s always a good thing to become like a child. I could definitely go for a day of making myself a paper crown and playing in the sand with my friends.

This is a word that has been coming up alot lately in various studies and readings. But what exactly does it mean when somebody says that God is sovereign? That’s what I’ve been struggling with. And why I have problems relating to God as King and/or Ruler.

I’ve always been a very independent person. I was raised to not rely on anybody. Part of that also meant learning how to do take control and do everything on my own, not worrying about others’ opinions. I’ve never been good at accepting others telling me what to do or how to live my life. My opinion has always been along the lines of, if I’ve gotten this far and done okay, what makes you think you can do better?

I am a self-proclaimed control freak. I have to be in control of everything even remotely related to my life at all times. I’m not a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type of gal. I don’t do well with just rolling with the punches. Instead, I want to know all my options, and all possible outcomes of all those options before I even think about making a decision. I don’t do well with commitment because it means that, if something doesn’t go the way I planned, I can’t get out of whatever it is I’ve committed to.

Which all leads to why I have problems relating to God as King and/or Ruler. It all comes down to my control freak tendencies. To relate to God as King, I have to accept that His is sovereign over all parts of my life, which means giving up control to all parts of my life. Yes, I realize that, as Christians, we are supposed to do this anyway. It is something I’ve always struggled with, and a lesson God is still trying to teach me, after all these years.

I want to do some more research into what it really means to say that God is sovereign before I can really begin to heal this image. Any suggestions, tips, or areas to start in regards to this would be greatly appreciated.