So Completely

I have had an anxious feeling for a few weeks now. Not a bad anxious, just an I-don’t-know-what’s-coming anxious. It is like my spirit knows that God is going to do something big in my life soon. If you know me at all, you know that I am not a patient person and waiting on God’s timing is definitely not a forte of mine by any stretch of the imagination.

Last week during one of my quiet times, I was reading in the first chapter of Colossians. I will be the first to admit that sometimes there is Scripture that I just cannot seem to wrap my head around. Which is why a few years back I purchased a copy of The Message Remix. Yes, I realize it is not a literal translation of Scripture, but I have found it helpful when trying to better understand certain passages.

The section that really seemed to capture me was Colossians 1:9-12. Because the paraphrased version is the one that really seemed to settle in my soul, that’s what I am using here.

“We pray that you’ll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard. As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you’ll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul–not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful he has for us.”

I cannot pinpoint what it is in this passage that is adding to the feeling that something is coming, but it does. Today I received an email that I think may be part of whatever God has planned. I do not want to share details here until I know for sure that this email and my anxious feeling are directly related. I just ask that you pray for me, that I will clearly hear God’s voice on this and have the strength to wait for whatever it is He is preparing for me.

I am stubborn. My mom prefers to call it strong-willed. That’s because she knows I get my stubbornness honestly from her side of the family. Too often my stubborn tendencies translate into being hard-headed. Especially when it comes to lessons that God is trying to teach me, or has taught me a hundred times before.

One of those lessons we have been working on lately is that of trust. Yes, I know that God is the only One that is fully and completely trustworthy. He is the only one who has continually proven Himself faithful. I have experienced many times the consequences that come when placing my trust in other humans. Despite our best intentions, we always fail. For some, it may be not being able to keep a confidence. For others, it may be not being able to keep their word. There will always be reasons for why we fail. Ultimately, it comes down to we are not perfect.

As much as it hurts to place your trust in another human and find out it has been misplaced, it hurts far worse to find out that a friend sees you as the one who is untrustworthy. Especially when you pride yourself on being trustworthy; being able to keep confidences and doing all you can in your power to keep your word.

That’s where the magic word appears: pride. Maybe that is why God is teaching me this lesson yet again through the circumstances He is because of that pride. Maybe He is teaching me two lessons in one here: He is the only one I should be trusting blindly and completely and I am not to be prideful.

I have a quote hanging up in my office that says, “He trusts you to trust Him.” I could not tell you where I first found that quote, but those six little words seem to speak volumes. How often have I misplaced my trust because I trust everybody in my life except God? In placing my trust in others, I am betraying His trust. He trusts me to trust Him, yet I show just how untrustworthy I am. Daily I fail to keep my word by telling God I trust Him with my life and then proving otherwise through my actions.

In what ways are you misplacing your trust today? Do you do all you can to keep your word? Are you showing your trustworthiness by placing your trust in God?

Like I mentioned in the last post, I’ve been repeating the song “Beg” by Shane & Shane quite a bit recently. Last week I was listening to it as I made dinner for some friends for our weekly get-together. We have a fun thing where we get together at one of our homes, make dinner, and watch Celebrity Apprentice together. Our blood pressure gets quite high at times, but it’s fun times with great friends.

I digress. Between making dinner and trying to straighten up the apartment, I was also doing some journaling. I was writing about a variety of things, most of which involved my insecurities and how I really want God to take away some of them. As I was writing out my prayer (I have to write it otherwise I am too easily distracted), the song “Beg” came on the stereo. It hit me right between the eyes.

Throughout the Gospels, you read stories about how Jesus healed those who were the outcasts. They were outcasts because of their illness. They were forced to become beggars. I am just like them in that I have to rely on Somebody to give me what I need. Actually, I am worse off then they are in many ways. Often times their illness was only physical. Mine is spiritual. They were crippled, blind, mute–all affecting them physically causing them to rely on others. I am all those things but on the emotional and spiritual plane. I, too, have to rely on another. I have to rely on God to heal me.

Unlike them, I do not always have the faith needed to receive the healing. They trusted that Jesus could and would heal them. As much as I want to sometimes, too often I do not fully believe that Jesus can fix my problems. Those days I do have a strong enough faith, I come to God as a simple beggar. I beg Him to show me His love and mercy. To heal me. I do not simply ask, I beg.

Often times, after their healing, they could not wait to tell others about the miracle Jesus performed in their life. Many times they did this despite Jesus telling them not to. When God does do a miralce for me, do I shout it from the rooftops? Sadly, no. I may share it with a few close friends, but more often than not, I usually just keep the wonderful news to myself and move on with my life like nothing has changed.

Lord, thank You for loving a beggar like me. Thank You for having mercy on me and working in my life despite my ungratefulness. Help me to set aside my pride when I truly need to fall on my face before You, begging for Your forgiveness and grace. Help me to share the good news of Your love and how You have changed my life with all those I encounter.