So Completely

I once heard somebody talking about hating others and how hate is just as intense of an emotion as love. So when you hate somebody, you are expending just as much thought, energy, and time on them as you are on those you love. Most people, when they do not care about somebody, use the word hate.

To truly not care about somebody is to be indifferent.

There are people in this world that, for a few years, I wasted energy on them by hating. I hated them for hurtful things they did to me, for lies they told about me. Some of these people were once dear friends. Some were mere acquaintances. Due to various circumstances, I have been removed from these people for awhile, both emotionally and geographically. Some longer than others.

I realized this week that I have reached a place of indifference towards them. It is quite freeing to realize that I am no longer wasting time, energy, and emotion on these people.

When I was spending time hating them, I’d want to know how they were doing, what was going on in their life. As ashamed as I am to say this, I was always hoping to hear that they were not doing well, that life was not treating them kindly.

This week a friend, who has regular contact with one of these people I spent so much energy hating, mentioned this person I used to hate. Normally my friend would be met with questions about this person. However, this time, I didn’t want to hear about this other person at all. I truly am indifferent to them. I no longer care how they are doing. If they are doing well? Well, good for them I guess. If they are not doing well? Well, that’s a bummer for them.

And now that I’m not spending that time, energy, and emotion hating these people? I can invest that time, energy, and emotion into better things. Which the good Lord knows I need.

(This is a timely reminder for me, as I have been working way too many hours lately.)

You must have a life away from your ministry. Which is often easier said than done.

I am told on a regular basis that I am a workaholic. Which is true, to an extent. I was raised with a very strong work ethic, which contributes to that image. But part of it is just the nature of the job. It is not a eight to five, weekends off type job. And in all that nontraditional work hours, it can be hard to find a balance between work and your personal life.

A few tricks/tips that I have learnd along the way that have worked for me:

1. Make friends away from the church you work at.–While it is important to be involved in the community you are ministering in, your entire life should not be contained within those walls. One of the best things I ever did was find really good friends who did not attend the church I worked at. They gave me a safe place to go when I needed to vent or even just take a break. Plus I was able to truly be myself with them without worrying that I would, in the heat of a moment, say something that would get get back to my boss and come back to bite me in the butt.

2. It is okay to say, “I can’t do that event on that day, I already have plans.” –Granted, this can often times be met with resentment and disbelief, it is important that you put some “me” time on the calendar and stick to it as much as you can. Yes, there will be those times that you have to cancel personal plans for the sake of the job. But it is okay to plan a weekend getaway and tell people that you cannot commit to anything that weekend because you will be out of town. It is important to guard that off time as much as possible. It not only benefits you, but those you minister to as well.

3. Make friends you’re own age! This should probably be #1, actually. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen people who work with youth, whether paid or volunteer, who do not have friends their own age. Their whole life, including friendships, are wrapped up in the youth. This is wrong and dangerous on many levels! Do not fall into this trap. You are there to minister to and with these kids, not be their best friend, mother, or father. Remember, boundaries are important and a good thing!

4. Develop a hobby or interest that is youth-free. This may be different things for different people. But find something that you enjoy that you do not “share” with the youth. Not that they can’t know about it, but that you do not involve the youth in. For me, it is attending specific concerts. My love of music is one of those things that helps me connect with the kids. And I am always willing to discuss favorite bands, songs, etc. But I reserve concerts put on by my favorite band as a non-youth thing. If my favorite band is playing nearby, I will let the kids know about it, but I will not take them as a youth trip.

Burnout is a dangerous reality of those in youth ministry. Across denominational lines, the average time that a person stays at a specific job in youth ministry is 18 months. In my experience, this is largely because we do not take time for ourselves. We find our identity in what we do and immerse ourselves fully into that identity.

Take some time for yourself! It will not only benefit you, but those you minister to and with as well.

Okay, I’m going to share the short version of the story. Which, even moreso than before, gives the impression that I’m being overly dramatic. My plan was to share the long version, but I spent the weekend visiting my Mom…which meant lots of eating and watching movies and little else. I turned off my Blackberry for about 36 hours and loved every last second of the silence!

It really all starts about seven years ago or so when, through the magic of the internet, I began making friends all over the country. For whatever reason, a large number of those new friends were concentrated in the southeastern part of the country.

Then I went to grad school, and those friendships grew. I travelled to meet some of these people, and discovered some of the greatest blessings I have ever experienced in my life. Many of them were the kind of friends you cannot remember not knowing, the ones who will give you the shirt off their back, then spend their last dime to buy you more shirts.

As grad school was finishing up, I began to tell people how I thought God was preparing me to move to the part of the country where these dear friends resided. I applied for jobs all over the country, turned down quite a few, until I found the one in North Carolina.

I jumped at this job, despite some HUGE red flags that it was going to be a hell of a job, because it meant being closer to these wonderful people. Looking back, I realize now the stupidity of my choice.

So, off I went, to this part of the country I wanted to go to, all the while saying it was where God wanted me. And He lovingly pointed out how wrong I was so many times in my three years there. Many times He provided a way out, but I ran the other way because I wanted to be there, closer to these friends.

When God finally moved in a big way and ended my time in NC, I was angry at Him. Then a very wise friend reminded me that I would have stayed there many more years despite the fact that it was clearly not His plan, so He had to do something drastic to show me He had something better waiting for me.

I was taught you finish your committments, and I was convinced I had not finished what I had started there. I loved the kids and didn’t want to abandon them. I felt like I hadn’t done everything I had planned to do while there. Yet, I knew my friend was right, He had something better planned and I had run long enough.

It has taken me a year of being separated from everything in NC. A year of looking back. A year of trying to get back to where I should be in my relationship with Him. A year of still having moments of wanting to turn around and run again. A year of, at times, wishing He would have just left me there, even though in many ways I was miserable.

Now, despite my running, He blessed me in some amazing ways while I was living out there. I made some great friends who I miss something fierce. I grew closer to some of the dear friends who drew me to that area in the first place. I grew to love a career that I didn’t even really want at first. I grew to love some amazing kids. I, in small ways, helped to lead some great kids closer to Christ.

I learned that I’m stronger than I thought I was. I learned that the truth really does triumph. I learned that people can be mean just for the sake of being mean. I learned that some people will stop at nothing to tear down others. I learned that when those people are trying to tear you down, God will send some amazing people into your life to carry you through the hardest times. I learned that it is hard to love and forgive those mean people, but it can be done.

So, yes, my disobedience was basically that I moved to NC when He wanted me elsewhere. I spent three years buried in that disobedience. But it was a time I will always remember gratefully. While I regret being so blatantly disobedient, I do not regret my decision to move to NC or any of the decisions I made while I was there.  (Don’t mistake me, I have repented of my sinfulness and disobedience. There is a difference between regretting and repenting.)

And while my relationship with Him still needs some work, I have fallen more deeply in love with Him because of His faithfulness and guidance…even when that guidance hurt.