Those who know me well know that I have never had a strong desire to be a mom. I have never really wanted kids. Don’t get me wrong–I love kids. I have just never wanted any of my own.
(Yes, I know the Catholic Church teaches we are to be open to having children. There is a difference between wanting them and being open to having them. But that’s another post for another day.)
But with the baby fever that has been spreading among my friends, it does make me wonder what I may be lacking. I have no less than 9 friends/family who have newborns or are expecting.
Let’s go through the list…although I’m using initials because some of these friends/family are not yet sharing the information publicly….
RA–had a baby at the beginning of December
MM–due with her second child next week
AP–due in March/April
AM–also due in March/April
MMB–due in September
H–just recently announced she’s expecting
KP–announced it earlier this week she’s due in September
RLP–announced this week she’s due in August
TJM–announced on FB that she’s expecting #2
I hear the excitment in their voices when they call to share the good news and it makes me wonder what I am lacking that caused me to miss out on wanting to have kids. Don’t get me wrong–I am ecstatic for each of them and so excited that their families are growing. But, with each new announcement, I have yet to think, “Man, I wish that was me.”
Sure, I still desire a husband. I still fully believe God intends me for the vocation of marraige. And I fully believe that God can still change my heart and give me a desire for children. So, yes, there is very, very small part of me that wants a “family” of my own–a husband to journey with and to spur me to holiness. But if that family did not include children, I am okay with that.
I was talking with Sister last night and was telling her about all this baby fever going around. My remark was, “I don’t know what water they’re drinking, but I want no part of it!” But, as I laid in bed, a small part of my heart cried out to God, “What’s wrong with me? Why do I not want what seems so natural and basic to all of them?”
My thoughts led me back to a Bible study that I was doing with the teens that we recently wrapped up. It was a timeline series–taking the teens through the Bible in a chronological order so that they could better understand what was happening when. Each week we were reminded that through all of that history, the same question is being asked by God. That question is, “Do you trust me?” It’s also the same question that Satan uses to draw us further away from God, “Can you really trust him?”
I’m not entirely sure what exactly it is about trust that God is trying to show me through all this baby fever, but I am doing my best to answer His question with, “Yes, Abba, I trust You.”
Until He reveals this newest lesson to me, I will fire up the sewing machine to make baby gifts and will storm heaven with prayers that all these little ones will come into this world safely.
So Completely 