How is anyone truly supposed to ask for help? We’re social creatures; human beings that have constructed language, sought to understand nonverbal cues; tone of voice, body language… One simple word, “help!” We can define it in a multiplicity of ways, we can assume that a cry for help isn’t “just for attention.” But what’s wrong with a particular type of attention? Why must that sort of human focus be irritating? Some need more attention than others, some need a hand, some require patience and guidance. I’ve stayed up countless hours, arguing back and forth about why life is “worth” living, gauging exactly how much suicide would hurt those around them, coloring existential questions into hopeful curiosity from inevitable despair.

On the contrary, I’ve missed out on sleep attempting to convince myself of the aforementioned. I’ve heard others verbalize how much of a pain in the ass it was to stay up all night with a friend of theirs, trying to quell their cravings for self destruction, suicide, etc. I’ve heard other people complain about how they didn’t get much sleep because they just wanted to be a good friend. So, I’ve stayed up all night trying to help myself. I feel weak in that I can’t answer my own questions. I feel jaded as the same god damned thoughts circle my brain, on the prowl for a single flaw in my only logical argument for life. That’s all it would take. That’s all I would need.

I might die after I finish this post. I might ask for help. I might find a healthier outlet or I might indulge in an unhealthy outlet, just to get myself through the night. By putting my own bullshit out into the public sphere, I hope that it makes someone feel less isolated, less alone. Please reach out. I promise that there’s at least one person that cares and will be up all night anyway.