ADILAH

An elephant is big.

An elephant is gray.

An elephant can’t jump.

An elephant is huge. But an elephant is afraid of a mouse.

No matter how big our attitudes are towards life, no matter how big our egos, no matter how big our brain is or how big a picture we paint a world, we will all always be afraid of a tiny matter in life that will eventually resurface and change us. The change.

Today was a lazy day. 🙂 Woke up at 10 and just bummedddddd around. I miss lazy days like this! Sadly, the coming week is gonna be quite a killer. Lots to get done tomorrow since I haven’t done any work the entire day today. Spent the day doing absolutely nothing.

Not cool.

I’ve had the worst stomach ache yesterday, it’s the kind where there’s excruciating pain every time you go to the toilet. Ow. Since Saturday night I think, well it wasn’t as bad then. Only got unbearable on Sunday so I’ve stopped drinking cold drink entirely today since there’s nothing I can drink other than plain water and I don’t wanna put myself through unnecessary torture.

I absolutely love the feeling you get when you complete a whole lot of work, so accomplished. Tragic that this only happens the night before anything is due, or sometimes even on the morning itself. I printed out the pictures needed for the assignment due today in Power point, in the morning before I walk into the studio. I didn’t really care that a lot of it doesn’t make much sense and there’s no cohesion whatsoever in my design.

So not that that’s out of the way, there’s development of model, rendering workshop, interim 02, consultations, final review, preparation of submission and final critique left till a bit of fun in the December holidays. Such exciting times.

I don’t think I’m going school tomorrow, since Ive consulted Swee today, but on the bright side, only two weeks till we have our break. And after January next year it’s alllll over. Hmm, I need to apply religious class for myself too, need to get myself a part-time job, need to help my sister with the setting up of the tuition center and of cos other things. But let’s not be too ambitious, that’s what the 3 week long break at the end of the year is for.

I’m quite full now. The noodles, lontong and roti john I had just now was particularly satisfying.

I think I will walk around Singapore and buy myself the best cheese fries in the world and a cup of lime juice tomorrow. (If I get up before the sun sets) Being here in tp is finally becoming not so torturous. Maybe I’ll actually start on work when I say I will. It would do me good to get lots done here.

We’ll see though.

See you later.

My back is aching and it’s these times that I wish I had some Osim massage chair to massage the aching muscles away.

This may sound unbelievable but today both my sister and brother managed to drag my ass out of bed and to the, horrors of horrors, brought me to East Coast for some cycling and roller blading. Since I had nothing to do on a lazy Saturday and it has been ages eversince my last exercise.

I admit it’s kind of daunting learning roller blading. I want to buck up. To think that people actually worry about schoolwork now and I’m worrying about my fitness. That is to say, if I had any to start with. Then I went home, change, waited for my parents and went to some wedding nearby the house.

Pentas Sutera last night in tp, the Malay Arts Group was really good. The time passed really fast though but I had my fun coupled with the fact that I came 15 minutes late and got a $6 ticket for $5 and got to sit with my pal of friends! Good view though.

So, I’m trying to figure out what I’m good at; what my talents are. It seems as if I knew what I wanted to do with my life more in primary school than I do now. What do you think my talents are? What can you see me doing in 5 years time?

Am I going to do Malay studies? Or do something with design? I don’t know. And it’s ok that I don’t know yet. I love Malay language. I definitely want that to be in my future. But one of my main loves for Malay language comes with the association of helping people. I’m just really afraid. I’m afraid that whatever I pick won’t be right. That I won’t enjoy it. I’d much rather come home at night with the joys of my job and a small pay check than a huge pay check and a true hate for my job. If I do teaching, who says I’ll be a good teacher? How do I know that I’ll be able to take it? That I’ll be able to deal with grading papers all night or accepting that some kids just don’t care no matter how hard I try. Who says that I won’t just blow up at a classroom of students one day? And relieve any frustrations that I have on them? I don’t want to be the teacher with the ‘mean’, or ‘horrible’ reputation. I want to be a fun teacher. I’ve always learned more if you made the material somewhat interesting. Overheads and hour long lectures are not my thing.

I remember in MI, going through some career thing. I had Mr Idris and once we were assigned to do a presentation on our dream job, I had to choose from the given topics. The only way that money entered my head was that I wanted to be able to support my family and of course live in luxury like all those princesses you see in tv. But I also wanted to be there for them. And that was one thing that has scared me away from being a designer. With design, I could be on call or have to work odd hours that don’t work with my family. You work around other people’s schedules. And often, you take your work home with you, literally.

My family is very opinionated about me doing design. They’ve always wanted me to be a teacher, or believe I should always further my studies if I were to teach in primary school. It’s good to know that you’re appreciated and that you’ve affected someone else’s life. I want to feel that way. I want to know that I’ve made that difference in someone else’s life.

Ooookay. Is this wanting too much?

I feel like I am living my life by just going through the motions and never really caring what I’m doing. That’s what it is. No matter what I am doing, I want to do something else. I want to be in some other time.  I want to live in a different place. I’m tired of living here and being here and seeing what I see. Haha. But really. The world itself is so beautiful and yet certain things has made it so sick. I want to know what comes after. Does something come after this? Or is this it? I like the wind, and I like the rain. I don’t like much else. I wish I could be the wind or the rain. And nothing would matter. I’d just go wherever the clouds sent me. I hate this. Sometimes I laugh for no reason, and I wonder why.  There’s not much to laugh about. Sometimes I feel lonely and then suddenly stop, and I wonder why. I wonder why lots of things. I feel like I am running around and screaming and no one notices. And I am so  tired.

I ‘ve jammed pack with activities, school work and social stuff these few weeks and a lot has been going on for me. My mind has been clogged up with lots of stuff that has been going on, with school and friends.

I don’t know how my friends in school are feeling, but I know I am rather stressed out by school. It seems to be all that I’m capable of talking about these days. Luckily for me I have people like Pita, Hailey, Nadhirah to keep me strong and Hajar to keep me on my toes in school. Cos seriously, sometimes I ask myself why I bother with it.

However this afternoon was awesome. For the past 5 1/2 hours I have been awake with energy and have been happy as well. I didnt threaten to kill anybody or laze around or anything. It was awesome. But now I’m starting to get tired. But I’m still happy. But most likely not for long. But today was a good day because school was easy going since it was only consultation and after school I met up with Hailey, Pita and Dionne so that always brightens my mood. And Harith approved my model so that was good.

Please dear God, P1 all the way.

They say failing to plan = planning to fail.

Sometimes, you get the best out of life when you don’t plan anything. The spontaneity of life is what makes us want to live in it more, what do you gain? You get your share of a plastic bag of bullshit, but doled out with it you get a glittered box of romanticism, literature and relationships.

Friday marked the end of Drawing Essential, tomorrow is the dateline for the final assignment. Hurray! And I mean hurray in the most sincere way possible. Anyway, although with the end of Drawing Essential back to the deterioration of Project 1, saddened faces, worries and tired minds.

I’ve been awake in school more often than usual because happy thoughts after happy thought just comes across my mind, pre occupies it and ironically makes me more aware of whatever lesson that is going on. And I’m becoming to be increasingly afraid of all the works that have been given and how I need this weekend especially to sit down and consolidate whatever that’s been taught.

I need time for myself to sit down and think and waiting for someone just makes me think about everything else but school. Foooooo- Cuss.

“Compound is when two elements chemically combined together to form a new substance.”

Easy to remember no? I’ll remember it for life.

And you of course.

This was from a trip to Singapore Flyer with my little niece just now and a trip home from school with bestfriend around sometime last week.

Seriously cyber-shot can be irritating Most of the time.