ADILAH

As I always say, it’s been a long time.

Brace yourself cos it could be a long, rambling about nothing in particular, one.

So almost three years ago I had the mindset that I needed to do something productive with my life. Hence now, I’ve graduated from Temasek Poly, enrolled in a course which I’m not exactly thrilled of at first.

It’s really amazing how time flies, especially during the senior years in TP. Everyone says this but honestly, it really does seem like (almost) yesterday that I stepped into TP for the first time. Yes, I must say that I was quite unhappy being in Temasek Design School for the first few weeks or so and even till the end of year 1, I wasn’t completely settled into the school yet. Sure I had friends that were nice enough but I would still have liked to be in NIE so bad.

Then year 2 came, and I think it’s been a year in which I’ve grown to be closer to EVD  friends and more appreciative about being in TDS. Being in TDS is crazy, because it’s like forever stressful in which you have to meet deadlines, presentation after presentation, working on a 1-metre height model and you’re only given 30 days to complete all that and if you don’t give your best for presentation you will risk feeling very lousy about yourself. But being in TDS is also insanely fun because of the mix of personalities we have in the school, most of whom I can get along with amazingly well.

The great thing about my course EVD is that the people are all very cooperative and united and it’s very gratifying whenever they have to plan class events.

Also, after going through 4 months of hell during my final year project, I have come to realize that I am actually extremely vulnerable. If you know me well enough, you’d know that I don’t usually cry or tear or sob or weep whatever of that sort. I seriously hate crying particularly over a project. Crying is the most retarded thing. It’s more retarded when I tend to look at myself in the mirror while crying and sob even more because I feel sorry for myself. I know. What happened during the 2 weeks before FYP submission was really a huge test for both Hya and me. Like we have discussed months earlier, should we ever die along the way, we’ll die together and not to leave anyone behind. True enough. Yes I am absolutely relieved that we have passed those nights but I will never forget how difficult those nights were. The whole time we couldn’t stop questioning ourselves like, “Oh my god why is this happening to us???”

According to Hya, I may have some anger issues. I personally think that I’ve been repressing my anger at so many things for so long I’m becoming more and more short-tempered as the years wear on. Or it could be other things. I don’t know. Maybe I need therapy; to talk about my feelings and my experiences and how these things have contributed to my short fuse. I know for sure that I’m impatient. I absolutely cannot stand people who minds people’s business and people who gives irrelevant comments.

And oh my gosh I suddenly miss TP a lot maybe it’s because TP’s just different. I miss the people, especially the people who has been putting up with all my nonsense in class, I miss the lecturers, I miss being able to do stupid things with Hya at stupid places and stupid times not having to care too much what would people think of us.

I miss taking the bus from outside TP and not having to cross the overhead bridge. I miss going to bookshop with Hya to buy stupid snacks while waiting damn long for the presentation to end. I miss eating at Itas with Hya, Farid and Rahmat!! After class, before class. I miss the fish and chips stall and the yong tau fu. I miss the experience that TP is giving everyday. Up till today, I think I was still living in the little bubble of surrealness and the fact that I’ve left TP for good didn’t really sink in officially.

For some really weird reason, being in TP during the graduation ceremony, talking to all my friends, laughing, watching people going up to the stage receiving their cert, was really nice. It’s been long since I felt such a sense of belonging to EVD. But then again, going back to collect the cert last week was like this slam back into reality. And whenever I go back into the school, I know there will definitely be this feeling of ‘omg ohhh yeah I did that once.’ COME BACK POLY DAYS!

So it’s been a long 3 years, but at the end of it all I’ve emerged a better person, I hope. Thank you TDS and EVD for a rocking 3 years.

Here’s a few people I owe extra thanks to….

To Sue, Sure-li, Shah, Nadiah Nurfadillah, Rahmat, Dinah, Hajar, Farid and my one & only Hya, I love you all so much. We all may take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, let’s take a little of each other everyhwere.

I can’t explain it any clearer than I know. As sad as this sounds, there is nothing about him, or us that I would miss. The only time I even remotely think about him is when I wish I could still call my best friend up and tell her about this man that I’ve fallen in love with in so many different ways. Tell her about how you make me really happy or that you don’t make me cry (yet), that even though you’ve bailed on me for a thousand times.

It makes me sad that I don’t miss anything about you. Makes me feel like I’ve wasted 2 years of my youth on someone that I have no memory of. Every time I look back, we’re moving in slow motion. Too slow for me to make out what we were. Were we in love? Was I just settling? Was I constantly telling myself that this was the best I could get, which is why even when I’d cry, my best friend had to tell me “it’s just him, Adilah, just deal with it.”…? It’s sad that when I try to recall who you were to me, just to comfort myself into thinking that I didn’t waste 2 years of my heart, but all I remember was wishing you Happy Birthdays and a Happy New Year and not getting a reply.

I had a very eventful day today. Go ahead, keep guessing. Oh, by the way. I take pleasure in keeping everyone guessing.

I can’t say life has been hard. This is just reality, isn’t it?

I’ve been thinking a lot about my family recently. More specifically, about my relationship with my parents. Helping my parents out at the shop has by far been the most rewarding, most insanity inducing experience I could have ever hoped for. Since the shop is considered small, work turned out to be pretty manageable at the end of the day. Even though we had to go through so much hurdles here and there. Most of the customers are regulars and they are pretty friendly uncles and aunties. AND! Biggest bonus of the century- Town is just a few stops away from my parent’s shop hehehe.

I question my ability daily.  And with the world pulling in one direction and me pulling in the other, I imagine being in my parent’s shoe is rather difficult. But, we are family. We are there for one another. I am so blessed to be a part of my family. I just want all of us to be happy with whatever we have right now, with how much we have in our pockets, with what we can do with what we have in our pockets. My brother, sister and I are not materialistic children who needs to eat good food, do expensive stuff and go to expensive places. I’m happy to be where I am now with  ayah and mama. That simple.

Why do we keep making life difficult for ourselves? I don’t know.

I know I gave my best, and since it is already the best, there is nothing to lose. There won’t be any regrets for not doing even better. I just said, it is already the best. God is fair, remember?