I’ve been plagued lately by a stream of unfinished thoughts and incomplete arguments. I know what I want to say, I can see it physically in my head like some kind of weird literary movie. I can see the pieces floating around and somewhat coming together but they lack that killer finish; the nail in the coffin so to speak. My only two courses of action are to let them sit there and simmer with the hopes that maybe something delightfully edible will come out of it or throw it on paper and hope that whatever eyes come across it can follow where I’m going. It goes without saying that the choice I made is quite obvious. My only hope now is that if you’re reading this, you can understand what I’m trying to say. With that, I say good luck…to both of us.
The two years I spent at Military School were a complete disaster from a cadet/student standpoint. There was nothing about the structural aspect of military school that endeared itself to me and so I was constantly at odds with school policy and conduct. However, what I lacked in military conduct, I made up for with my own personal studies. Not classroom studies, I did just enough to get by there, but in my own studies of subjects that held a deep interest to me. When I was 11, I happened upon a book at the school library titled: Conversations with Stalin. It was written by former Yugoslavian Vice-President Milovan Djilas. While some of it made little sense to me (at 11 I was insanely ignorant to world politics) I found great fascination with the way Milovan started off enthusiastic about Josef Stalin. How he found the man charismatic and felt some form of kinship with him. By the end though, Milovan had not only found Stalin distasteful, but it had changed his entire view of political theory. Now, I only bring this book up because it led to another subject that had a deeply profound impact on me: World War 2. At one point, Howe Military School had a regular library and a military library. The military library was an awesome sight. There were pictures hanging on the wall of every war America had taken part in. There was an actual Sherman tank (non-working of course) that stood guard outside the building. It was a glorious monument to everything war related. It was there, in that military library, in my 12th year of life that I stumbled upon an almost impossibly large volume titled: The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich. I had a baseline understanding of World War 2 from classes, but at that age they didn’t delve too deeply into any of the political landscapes. Just that Germany decided it was going to start invading countries, Japan bombed Pearl Harbor, Normandy Beach saw horrors that thankfully none of us could imagine, and Hitler tried to wipe out an entire race of people. We certainly didn’t learn about the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact between Germany and the Soviet Union. We didn’t learn about Neville Chamberlain, who at the time, was considered one of history’s greatest cowards. Finally, and maybe most importantly, we were given zero information on the mindset of the German people after World War 1. I read the book three times; it took me almost a year to do so. I kept a notebook in the bottom drawer of my bedroom study desk. In it I marked down names, places, and events that caught my interest. Things like the Warsaw Uprising, Kristallnacht, The Reichstag Fire, The Final Solution, the names Himmler, Hess, Eichmann, Heydrich, Gohring, Streicher, von Ribbentrop, Rosenberg, Mengele, Goth, and of course the famous failed artist who set the world on fire. I read every account of the Nuremberg Trials I could find. Again, there was a lot that was too complex for my understanding at the time, but my studies of that period never ceased. I think the one thing that gets overlooked and may have more importance to Hitler’s rise than anything else, was the mood of the German people after the Treaty of Versailles. The Treaty, signed on June 28, 1919, signaled the official end of World War 1. It called for Germany taking full responsibility for the war, reparations to the tune of 132 BILLION gold marks, a devastating reduction to it’s military, and the cessation of 13% of Germany’s territory. In laymen’s terms, it was Germany being scolded and forced to sit at the kiddie table while the rest of the world conducted affairs without it. It was a DEEPLY humiliating time to be a German citizen. There was a sense of embarrassment and bitter resentment towards the Allied Powers. Now, whether that was deserved or not will not be argued here. This is a piece constructed of facts not emotion. For Hitler, though, it was all emotion. The man knew how to tap into that resentment, how to manipulate the anger and embarrassment that the German people felt. His speeches, whether they took place in front of 30 people in a coffee house, or ten thousand in a stadium, were not conciliatory. They were filled with fire and rebellion. How dare the world have the audacity to treat the great German people the way that it had. He was here to let the German people know that he could bring Germany back to the glory days. That he knew the people responsible for the deep shame Germans felt, and it was NOT the people of good German stock that were to blame. The German people ate up his nationalistic message and the support for the Nationalist Socialist party grew by thousands every day. Once he gained a foothold in the German government, he waylaid political courtesy and ignored political norms. Finally, with some help from the SA and a few naïve politicians in Parliament, Hitler found his way to being named Chancellor. From there we go to the Reichstag Fire which led Hitler to suspend democratic government essentially making him a dictator.
At this point, I’m going to assume you’re wondering why I’ve spent two pages rehashing all this. Simply put, it’s because we have a habit here in the USA of comparing everything we don’t like to Nazis. 99.9% of the time they are foolish comparisons. However, right now, in 2026 America, there are a LOT of comparisons to 1933 Germany. We have a president who has repeatedly said that the reason we don’t have jobs, is due to immigrants. The reason our crime rate is so high, is immigrants. He has told us repeatedly that the reason prices are so high, that our health care is so bad, that the economy isn’t great, is because other countries want America to suffer. He has promised to take us back to the glory days. He promised that only he can fix the issues being forced on the American people. Sound familiar? He has done everything he can to prosecute political enemies, he has multiple coverups of multiple crimes he’s been involved in. He has sent 3000 ICE agents to Minneapolis under the guise of fraud being committed while at the same time giving out pardons to 25 people who were found guilty of the crime of fraud. Up is down and left is right. He has politicized just about every government agency there is and whether you want to believe it or not, well on his way to staying in power long after his term ends. Either way, we are in the throes of fascism. You certainly don’t have to believe me, in fact, I don’t really care if you don’t. History has always acted as a road map, especially when it starts to repeat itself. I can say that the day we declared intelligence to be a weakness will be a day we regret for a long time.
Congrats, MAGA, the year is 2027 and you not only got the Civil War you wanted, but you managed to lock up or kill ALL your political enemies. You sit back and enjoy the fact that your dreamed about utopia is about to unfold. Your orange, bloated, king takes his throne upon the hill of DC and all is well with the world. For the first few months this new country is overjoyed by nightly celebrations topped off by the public executions of Bill Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and your former neighbor James. Then one day, your king dies. Suddenly, the glue that held your movement together is gone. There is a power vacuum and oh so many people who want to fill it. As the days go on and the back stabbings increase, you realize that without the common enemy you all had, those godless liberals, there’s no one to focus on but each other. You start to realize that the strong force of Marjorie Taylor Green, Laura Loomer, Nick Fuentes, Mike Johnson, and all the others that once stood somewhat united, are only out for themselves. Each has an agenda that clashes with the others. You start to realize that the REAL war is just beginning. Whose side are you on? Who takes your loyalty? After all, the king you all swore fealty to is now a rotting corpse. The glue has fallen apart and MAGA is now splintered. Who is going to save you from the next war? And there will be a next war. It’ll be with the people that you thought you knew. The people that you thought were fighting for exactly what you were. But one side is going to have to lose. Will it be the “moderate” MAGA? The Mike Johnson, Pam Bondi, MTG coalition? Or will it be the Stephen Miller, Laura Loomer, Nick Fuentes coalition? You begin to realize that even though you won the war you wanted, the enemy is still there. After all, power is all about survival. You’d have known this had you paid attention to European history. So, you wet a finger and test the direction of the winds. You pick your side, confident that this will all blow over and that the two sides of MAGA will unite once again. You soon realize that this train of thought is wrong and that the side you chose is not the one that’s going to come out on top. Suddenly you’re being considered a fake MAGA member. You’re not as die hard and extreme as the other side. You find yourself at home one night, pondering the predicament you find yourself in. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was supposed to be a finally united America. You find yourself in disagreement with some of the things happening. You always wanted America first and you always wanted a patriotic country. Now your less extreme minded friends are being pulled from their homes. The result of paranoia from the NEW kings in charge. You know it’s only a matter of time before the torch committee comes to talk to you. Before they knock on your door and demand to know where your loyalty lies. Far too late you realize that you’ve been played. That the whole us vs them was nothing more than a shell game. Because if human history has taught us anything, it’s that there will ALWAYS be an us vs them. Even among your own kind.
This afternoon, Charlie Kirk was shot and killed at a debate in Utah. Before I open up the can, I do want to say that I feel horribly bad for his wife and kids. I’ve lost a spouse and a father, and that family is in for a nightmarish sort of hell. With that being said, the fact that people are surprised or shocked that this happened are completely head in the sand ostriches. We currently have a president who has said and I most definitely fucking quote:
“I could go out and shoot someone on 5th Avenue and not lose any supporters.”
“But all of the things that we’ve given, and they wouldn’t vote. Only because they hate Trump. But I hate them, too. You know that? I really do, I hate them. I cannot stand them, because I really believe they hate our country, you want to know the truth,”
“I always say, we have two enemies,” Trump said, adding: “We have the outside enemy, and then we have the enemy from within, and the enemy from within, in my opinion, is more dangerous than China, Russia and all these countries.”
“I have this piece of glass here,” he said. “But all we have really over here is the fake news. And to get me, somebody would have to shoot through the fake news. And I don’t mind that so much.”
“Democrats are very demonic. They are. They hate you and they hate this country.”
He also retweeted the founder of “Farmers For Trump” who said “the only good Democrat is a dead Democrat.
And you’re surprised it’s come to this? Are you fucking stupid? Have you not been paying attention for the last twenty fucking years? You grapefruit headed dipshits are surprised that a guy who reiterated our presidents call to “Go to war” with democratic cities got shot today? The Republicans absolutely decimated the mental health system and we’re surprised that lunatics are shooting people? Did you have that same energy when Melissa Hortman and her husband were assassinated a few months back?
The problem, is that you all still think normal rules apply to our society. That ship sailed and got bombed off the coast of Venezuela.
Charlie Kirk started going off about Donald Trumps lack of transparency on the Epstein files…UNTIL…Trump personally called him and told him to stop talking about it. So of course the next day Kirk comes out and says he’s done talking about it. And yet…you all are okay with that. It was your biggest talking point the whole campaign, and now? Fuck it it’s a liberal hoax.
We are at the point in our nation where we all fiddle while watching it burn. Morality is gone, civility is gone, standing on your own principles (instead of being ordered about) is gone. Thirteen years ago I wrote a piece about the rising inflammatory rhetoric that our political system was starting to engage in. But YOU fuckers liked it. “Finally, a president who says what he means” “good to have a badass in the White House” Trump is not a badass. I promise you he is anything but. He’s a scared, fat, little man who sees his end in sight and it’s starting to get to him. Yet he talks tough. He says things that in a normal society would be called out, but we are not a normal society anymore are we? We’ve had more politically related shootings and deaths in the last six months than we’ve had in the last five years. But now you’re shocked? Now you’re angry? Fuck you. You helped cultivate this. At least be fucking consistent. Also, word to the wise, if you’re going to enter the political arena in this new normal, don’t stick your neck out, it might get shot off by some psychopath who doesn’t have the ability to function in our new society. At least RFK Jr wants to do away with psychiatric drugs though, that should absolutely keep the psychotics at bay.
It was the summer before my 13th birthday. I had just come home from year one of Military school and due to the amount of psychotic shit that went on there, I was basically a small rampaging beast. While I did love music at that time, being the child of Motown parents left me with the Temptations and Four Tops as my main soundtrack. Thanks to a hockey coach, Bruce Springsteen was also in that mix. Nothing that could touch the deep rage that was nestled inside me, at least until the final Saturday night of June. I was staying over at my hockey buddy Chuck’s house and his cousin had just lent him a bunch of cd’s. Our goal was to listen to maybe one or two of them. Again, we both liked music but it wasn’t something we felt in our soul. At least not until he threw on the first cd. Amongst the backdrop of the thunder, rain, and the tolling bell, came that sound: The Devil’s Chord. Moments after that…Ozzy’s haunting wail “oh nooooooo.” We sat through the rest of Black Sabbath’s debut album in silence. Neither of us had ever heard anything as fucking cool as Ozzy’s vocals. It was if I had suddenly found a home I didn’t know existed. A sense of belonging in a world that up to that point had made zero sense to me. After that we blew through Paranoid, and Ozzy’s first solo album The Blizzard of Ozz. That led to Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Motörhead, Metallica and so many more. Ozzy was my gateway drug to a world that helped me survive some of the worst times of my life. I was lucky enough to meet him twice and though brief, just being able to shake the hand of that haunting voice was incredible.
Today, the world found out that Ozzy Osbourne died. I made my way to one of the bathrooms in our clinic and cried. Why? Because this man single handedly changed my life. He told us that Life has a way of kicking us all in the nuts but that we could fight back. Be unapologetically yourself, don’t give in to the trendy bullshit, and go fucking crazy! I think Ozzy had a fear that when he died he’d be forgotten. If only he truly understood just how much he meant to the world. Now we are faced with a world without Ozzy. A world that I honestly didn’t think I’d see. But here we are, and there’s only one thing you can do: “Let’s go fucking crazy!”
Rest well, Ozzy. You will be missed but you definitely won’t be forgotten 🤘💀🤘
12 years ago, I wrote a piece arguing for Independence from Independence Day. At the time, the country learned that the NSA was literally spying on every citizen in the country. Obama had reauthorized the Patriot Act, and he authorized the use of armed drones to fly freely over American skies. At the end of that piece I challenged America to either sack up and do better, or to pull out the matches and burn everything to the ground, and holy shit you didn’t disappoint. First, you elected a reality tv star to the highest office in the country which went so fucking well, that you all reversed course and elected a 300 year old gaffe machine with dementia. After realizing that perhaps electing a guy who at times couldn’t tell his ass from a hole in the ground wasn’t such a great idea, you went BACK to the fucking disastrous reality show star! Now we have ICE rounding up American Citizens and sending them to foreign countries, some fucking weird Nazi throwback called Alligator Alcatraz, and this orange dickhead just convinced you that this dippy fucking bill these gooners just passed is going to boost the economy when in actuality it’s going to add trillions to the debt and it’s going to sink the economy. Well fucking done, America. You saw two choices, be better or burn it all down and you decided that you’d burn it half down and then sit in the flames as the political flesh peels from your bones. Tomorrow, we once again collectively celebrate a hundreds year old victory over the tyrannical British and the start of the first Republic without realizing that we have become the fucking British. We are George the III, we are Cornwallis, we are Gage, we are the entire fucking British empire. The Boston Tea Party? We celebrate it as a radical act of courage. However, today you red hatted buffoons would demand that every single person involved be tossed in Alligator Alcatraz. Why? Because your fealty to that orange tinted wannabe king Trumps (like that?) everything. You’ve sworn allegiance to an abject coward. Donald Trump is a fucking coward. Stephen Miller is a fucking coward. The best part of Nancy Mace ran down the crack of her mother’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress. You claim morality yet have none. You claim courage despite being nothing but keyboard warriors. You claim intelligence even though you can’t read past a sixth grade level. You sold your freedom for a cult membership because you think it makes you safe. You think taking a knee to MAGA gives you power. It does not. What you fail to realize, is that pendulums swing both ways. There is going to be a day that it swings against you. That everything you thought had been built, that everyone you thought was infallible comes crashing down. There will be no protection for you then. There will be no empathy or sympathy, there will be no tears shed for you. The mirage that you thought was a kingdom will burn so fast and so bright it’ll be visible from the fucking moon. The boots you so lovingly kissed will suddenly be pressing down on your throats, cutting off everything you hold dear to you. I warned you twelve years ago that disaster was on the horizon. That if we didn’t pull together and realize that we the people have one common enemy, that things would get dumber and darker. Independence Day is meaningless now. The things it represents, the people that became literal mythical legends because of it, none of it matters now. We’ve taken their legacy, their ideas of freedom, and we broke it over a chair. You decided cruelty and stupidity should replace freedom and justice for all and we are all paying the price for it. I wish I could live long enough to see the history of these modern times written about fifty years from now. I hope it’s been worth it to you. I hope giving in to these fucking cretins has given some sort of meaning to your life, because shortly you’re going to lose it all. And for what?
If you want a glimpse at our future, just watch the incredible series Boardwalk Empire. There is a scene where Nelson VanAlden has a gun pointed at his head by Irish mobster Dean Obanion. Instead of cowering, VanAlden lists off the people he’s killed, the horrible things he’s done, and ending it with this quote: “I used to believe in God. Now I don’t believe in anything at all.” Those are the words of a man who has nothing left to lose. The words of a wanderer who had power, who had influence, and who, due to greed and stupidity, lost everything including hope. I wish I could say there was still time to right this ship, but the band is playing, the icebergs are deep, and the water is getting cold. And yet…tomorrow we will spend the day celebrating the glories and foundations of a country that no longer exists.
Before I dive into a pool full of needles here, I feel it necessary to explain why I’m writing about sports today. Thanks to being adopted by a couple who had their very roots in sports, it was one of the foundations of my childhood. I grew up loving anything that had to do with the sports world. I played little league, I played hockey competitively for 17 years, I boxed, I even made the track team one year (which is an incredibly funny story). I’ve played on teams that had the most amazing parents supporting us. On the flip side, I was once the goalie coach for a AAA team whose parents literally split down the middle and started a civil war that caused the team to disband before the season ended. Thanks to my dad’s playing days at the University of Michigan, I grew up in the heart of the craziest (and best) rivalry in college football. Michigan vs. Ohio State might as well be sports version of the Hatfields and McCoy’s. No one really remembers how it started, but those goddamn, cousin fucking, inbreds down in Columbus have it coming. Oops, sorry, lost myself there for a minute. I guess what I need you to understand is that on its best days, sports is an incredible tool to teach leadership, teamwork, toughness both mental and physical, and sportsmanship. On its worst days, though, sports has a tendency to reflect the current state of society.
There is no better example of sports worst days than the current state of the WNBA. Now before you get all ruffled about a man writing about women’s basketball, know that I have been watching the WNBA for years. A long time ago, there was a WNBA team in Detroit that was absolutely awesome to watch. Hilariously, at least for me, they were coached by Bill Laimbeer, a man so hated in the state of Illinois that there is a generation of kids that have only heard his name and hate the guy. I’ve watched some of the greatest women’s basketball players to ever lace them up. Players such as Cheryl Miller, Candace Parker, Diana Taurasi, Sue Bird, and now Caitlyn Clark and Angel Reese, and it is with those two that this story begins.
Last year, the WNBA was the recipient of women’s basketballs version of Wonka’s Golden Ticket. Drafted at #1 by the Indiana Fever, was cocky guard Caitlyn Clark. She hailed from the University of Iowa and was an absolute sniper from almost anywhere on the court. I watched her hit a three pointer against Michigan from half court like it was a free throw. When you hear the phrase “generational talent,” she is an example of what that phrase means. Not that it should matter, but she is also white. With the 7th pick in the First Round, the Chicago Sky drafted a cocky forward out of LSU by the name of Angel Reese. Now, it shouldn’t matter, but Angel Reese is black and was incredibly polarizing in college, which shouldn’t come as a surprise given that she played for maybe the most polarizing coach in the whole of college basketball in Kim Mulkey. However, the very start of this whole mess came at the 2023 NCAA Women’s Final Four. The Caitlyn Clark led Iowa Hawkeyes defeated the Dawn Stayley coached South Carolina Gamecocks by a score of 77-73. At the end of that game, Caitlyn Clark looked at the South Carolina bench and waved her hand in front of her face as a taunt towards the losers. Fast forward two days later, and the Angel Reese led LSU Tigers put a stomping on Clark’s Hawkeyes. After the game, Angel Reese waved her hand in front of her face while standing in front of Caitlyn Clark, and then pointed to her ring finger. The Iowa Hawkeye fanbase exploded. While pundits were talking about this crazy new NCAAWB rivalry between Clark and Reese, the comment sections were filled with Clark fans destroying Angel Reese calling her a thug and other not so great things. Of course, this resulted in LSU fans calling Caitlyn Clark fans racist. Fast forward to the draft, and WNBA fans were basically tweaking. Angel and Caitlyn being drafted in the same year meant that the WNBA was about to get its Michael Jordan/Larry Bird rivalry. It also meant that come US National Team time in a year or two, Clark and Reese would be teammates, and that was even more intriguing. Sadly, though, reality has come crashing down. The Clark-Reese rivalry stopped being centered around sports. Instead, it became something hideous and horrible. After the draft, the WNBA hit a peak of popularity that should have been a golden moment for the sport. Ratings for games that featured either player set ratings history. When Clark’s Fever took the court against Reese’s Sky, 2.7 Million people tuned in (and weren’t disappointed). Not long after that, the pundits started talking about how Caitlyn Clark was the reason the WNBA was suddenly so popular, a not unfair statement. Suddenly you had WNBA players throwing subtle shade at her whenever a question was asked about her impact. Meanwhile, social media concerning the two of them, had gotten downright toxic. The first time I heard the phrase “Black Fatigue” was in relation to Angel Reese. As it turns out, white folk don’t like cocky black athletes. On the other side of the coin, Caitlyn Clark detractors made her the scapegoat for all the vitriol aimed at Angel Reese. At one point, a notable ESPN commentator and former WNBA coach said that “White people didn’t give a damn about the WNBA until Caitlyn Clark arrived and now they want to run their mouths.” Caitlyn Clark had suddenly become the face of racism. Two players, who are both exceptional athletes and deservedly cocky in their own right, had become the unwitting and undeserving faces of society’s social and racial issues. When asked about racial divide and the tensions between her fans and the rest of the WNBA fans, Clark always took a firm stand against racism and said that people should be watching the sport for the athletes and the excitement they bring to the table.
Recently, a video came out in which someone asked WNBA fans to describe Angel Reese. “Ghetto trash” made an appearance more than once. A little less than two weeks ago, the Chicago Sky were playing in Indianapolis against the Indiana Fever. After the game, Angel Reese complained about racial taunts being thrown her way. The WNBA immediately released a statement that racial taunts were an absolute no go and the league was opening an investigation. Once again, instead of talking about how great it is that we all get to watch this incredible rivalry, the blame was tossed on the shoulders of two people who did nothing but go out and compete for forty minutes. It’s difficult now to find a political conversation in which one or both of these women don’t get mentioned, and honestly it’s a fucking shame. Both of these women are generationally talented. One of them sports a college National Championship ring, the other has the distinct honor of bringing a whole new set of eyes to the game of women’s basketball. They should both be basking in the spotlight right now. Instead, they both shoulder the weight of being social/racial figures all because they play a sport. If you want to understand where our country is right now, just pay attention the WNBA.
Ask anyone who knows me about my thoughts on Donald Trump, and the first thing they’ll respond with is “How much time do you have?” I’ve made it clear that there are not enough expletives or descriptors in the English language to explain how much I despise that goofy fuck and his weirdo family. That being said, as it relates to current events, my anger lies not with Donald Trump, and neither should yours. Donald Trump has been honest (hear me out) about who he is and what his goal has been since day one. He made his authoritarian nature known to every man, woman, and child in this country. Can’t be mad at a guy who tells you what he’s going to do and then does it. “But CJ, someone needs to answer for this!” Okay, you know who you should be mad at? The Democrats. Yes, those Democrats. In the face of authoritarianism and fear, they put together a last second ticket that literally checked off the DEI box. We can argue Kamala Harris’ merits until the cows come home, but what in the actual fuck made you think running a woman of color in this country in this climate was going to end well? Have you not been paying attention? “CJ, the message was on point, this country just chose hate!” No. The message absolutely was not on point. Harris said a lot of great things during her speeches. She talked of unity, of love, of this Utopia that is never going to exist. It made for some amazing clips but at the end of the day, when you’re going up against someone like Donald Trump, saying “please sir, may I have another” every time he hits you isn’t a winning strategy. Trump supporters love bravado (false bravado or otherwise) and they see Trump as a strong man. You gave them Tim fucking Walz. Tim Walz looks and sounds like a guy who should have been a part of Garrison Keilor’s Prairie Home Companion. The Democrats didn’t take this past election seriously. Why? Because they don’t understand middle America. They understand the East Coast, and they understand the West Coast, but they know jack shit about flyover country. Donald Trump spent a ton of his campaign time talking about tariffs. Now, the fact that his base is completely ignorant as to what tariffs are, helped him out quite a bit here, but to the uneducated the tariff talk sounded amazing. Americans have been struggling. Donald Trump gave them a door to walk through, which, while completely wrong, was still more than what the Democrats offered. You went up against Mike Tyson, and instead of counter punching and making him wear himself out, you decided to stand in the center of the ring and trade punches until your face looked like a Picasso original. It’s honestly impressive how horribly bad the Democrat strategy in this past election was. Now, instead of looking inward and saying, “You know, maybe we fucked up here and need to rethink things” they are going on media tours blasting Trump for doing EXACTLY what he said he was going to do. How about coming out and saying: “We failed the American people. We chose to spend time on issues that were incredibly polarizing instead of focusing on how to make the lives of everyday Americans better. We assumed that no one would ever vote for an Authoritarian a second time. This is on us, we will do better.”
Chuck Schumer, the empty-headed senator out of New York, went on CNN the other day and was point blank asked what Democrats are doing to try and minimize the damage Trump has been doing with his tariffs. I kid you not when Schumer’s answer was “We have sent the President a strongly worded letter.” What? You sent Donald Trump, a guy who has ignored Judges and Congressional Hearings, a letter? This in a nutshell is why the Democratic party is absolute trash. It’s why they lose time after time. It’s why instead of being angry at Trump, despite the fact that he is a full blown wannabe dictator, you should instead be angry at the Democrats. They fumbled this whole thing from day one. You can talk about morality and “good vs evil” for sure, but that’s a different conversation. The whole reason we are where we are today, is because one party decided to not take an election seriously.
Good Evening Brothers and Sisters! My name is Brother CJ and I am here as your introductory guide to the cult you’ve so generously decided to join. Before we begin, I just want to say that we here at the Cult of Maga only accept the very best. We only have the best people, the smartest people, and the best looking people. I realize our Leader looks like he walked out of the Hills Have Eyes film, but rest assured, only the brightest and only the best are allowed to join. You were handed a folded up blue cloth as you walked in tonight. This is your Trump 2024 flag. You must carry it always and promise to join a car or boat parade for Trump at least once a week. One last piece of advice before we begin, you will see Steve Bannon walking around here from time to time. If you are a smoker please for the love of god don’t light up anywhere near him as his alcohol consumption almost guarantees a terrible fire will breakout. Everybody got that? Fantastic, let’s begin.
1. Your Leader: We are all here because of one man, our Lord and Savior Donald J. Trump. I realize that may sound blasphemous to some of you coming in from the religious side of things but look, Jesus is a busy guy. The world is a huge place, billions of people in it so Jesus has sent Donald Trump to America in his stead. I realize he may not come off as very Christ like as fucking porn stars, lying constantly, committing adultery, and committing tax fraud is pretty much frowned upon by society, but it takes a sinner to fight sinners. You best believe those godless liberals are going to put up a fight and our Donnie Fat Tits is the man to take them down. IN THE NAME OF MAGA!
2. Your Leaders Kids: Concerning Donald Trump’s kids, there’s one thing you need to know. He fucking hates them. Like really absolutely despises them. Well, all except Ivana whom he said he’d fuck if she wasn’t his daughter, but that’s beside the point. People are going to try to use this as a way to show that he’s not a family man. I’d disagree. This is a man who missed every single one of his kids high school graduations because he had better things to do in the business world. I mean who do you want in a leader? A stick like Joe Biden who would take time away from the country to see his grandson graduate a stupid school or a man who would say “fuck off, kids, I have a country to run!” Not for nothing, but I’d vote for that man every day of the week and twice on Sunday. IN THE NAME OF MAGA!
3. Who Needs Enemas with Friends Like These: Our leader, bless his heart, has friends who cling to him like Saran Wrap. With the amount of times per day that Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert, and Marco Rubio kiss our fearless leaders ass, he’s no longer had to consider enemas as a way of anal cleanliness as those three stooges keep it in pristine shape on an hourly basis. Granted, there was some worries after Boebert got caught jerking that guy off in a theater full of kids, but thankfully our voting base believes that only libs can damage kids so we got lucky there. Needless to say, these three annoying twats will be around quite often. Be pleasant or don’t speak to them at all. IN THE NAME OF MAGA!
4. Ted Cruz: Ted Cruz likes to think he’s a part of us, but the fact of the matter is that to quote Peter Venkman in Ghostbusters, “this man has no dick”. He’s a loser and his dad was the zodiac killer. Also his wife has a horse face so if you see Heidi Cruz, give her the Mr Ed treatment. IN THE NAME OF MAGA!
5. The Election: this one is simple brothers and sisters. If Donald Trump loses the election, it was rigged, if he wins, it was Divine Providence. Amen. IN THE NAME OF MAGA!
Well, that should wrap it up for now. Please hang your flags, wear your MAGA caps, and throw bibles at your godless liberal neighbors. If you have any questions, please contact me or Stephen Miller, he’s the one that looks like a snake with indigestion. Thank you for coming IN THE NAME OF MAGA!
In a perfect world, Joe Biden would be spending his days in a retirement home playing Chinese Checkers with people whose names he forgets at the end of every night, eating dinner at 2 in the afternoon and going to bed at 6pm. We aren’t in a perfect world though. No, instead we live in the one timeline that has blessed us with both Joe Biden and Donald Trump. How fucking lucky are we?!? As an added bonus we get the rare Kennedy that hasn’t been shot but still has a fucking hole in his brain courtesy of some poor demented worm. How long O Lord must we suffer this bullshit? Pointless question to ask, I think we all know the answer to that.
The shit part of this whole thing for me, is that every single time I want to aim my Fuck You ray at either Biden or Worm Boy you stupid fuck Trump supporters do something so egregiously dumb that I’m forced to turn around and keep it aimed on you. When we visited Planet Motherfucker back in 2016, you fuckheads were hanging Trump flags from every pole in existence including the two inch hard-ons you idiots wake up with every morning. Now you’ve decided that since your conman got caught playing stupid games, that you’re going to turn all your flags upside down. “WE’RE A NATION IN DISTRESS!” Of course we are, we have to suffer you assholes on a daily basis. Pretty funny that the “Fuck your feelings” crowd is now so offended. If it was up to me you’d all be facedown in the woods getting fucked by moose until you start speaking the language of the God you pretend to follow.
Sorry I got sidetracked there for a minute. Where was I? Oh yeah, the three fantastic candidates for President. One is senile, one is stupid, and one is crazy. They are also all AARP members. Why are we stuck with Senior night every four years? Would it be too much to ask to get some Candidates that don’t have dementia, aren’t six shades of orange, or have a worm eaten brain? I thought this was the greatest country in the world. Thats how it goes right? American Exceptionalism, nobody does it better than us, and yet every four years we trot out the Great Value version of George Burns and say “Vote for this ancient creature, for he shall lead us!” And how the fuck do you find that acceptable?? You bitch about the economy, you bitch about inflation, you bitch about immigration, and yet you are perfectly fine accepting the Senior Citizen brigade they throw out at you every four years. You are just as much to blame as they are. I guess that’s what happens when you willingly choose to reside on Planet Motherfucker.
What makes a writer great? You’re going to have to ask someone far higher up on the writers food chain than I. However, if you asked me to take a stab in the dark, I’d have to say passion is at the top of the list. If you’re a lover and user of words, passion has to be the wall behind it. It’s not everything though. For years I’ve had this dream of being a much bigger writer than I am. I wanted to pump out novels like water and flood people’s brains with imagination and horror. I wanted my words to weave tapestries in their minds and create waves of passion for fiction and writing. Like medical school though, not everyone can finish first in their class. For me Stephen King is the pinnacle. Hes the very top of the mountain. Me? I’m at the very bottom. I’ve sold some stories, wrote a book, and have this weird ass blog thing that half a dozen eyes see. I’m okay with that. Finally. Because you see, at some point the minute hand moved an inch and for whatever reason I was able to hold this bird of a dream in my palm and let it go. It’s like that quote from The Natural: “They come and they go, Hobbs. They come and they go.” That’s what dreams do; they come, they stick around for a while, and they go.
I suppose at this point you’re wondering why I’m spouting all this nonsense about dreams. It’s because America was once a dream. It was the golden sunrise in a sky of shit. A land of opportunity and growth. A place where dreams are realized. That dream is all but buried six feet in the Earth. I’m not going to wax poetic on why, if you can’t figure that out yet I can’t rightly say you ever will. But at some point, the minute hand moved an inch and we all decided that it was time to let this dream go. For all the passion and beauty we had, it wasn’t enough. Maybe it was too much work. Maybe we realized that life is cyclical and like the Romans, it was now our turn in the hot seat. Either way, we let that dream go and now we have to deal with that. What dream comes next to take its place? I’m not sure, but if recent history has anything to say about it, I think this one just might be a nightmare.
The Bastards 2013 