When we started our IVF that resulted in Kade, we decided that we would (dependant on the number of eggs retrieved) be fertilizing two eggs with donor sperm as a diagnostic tool. 

Because we were already on our 6th IVF with no real reason as to why it wasn’t working for us, we figured that this way we could compare embryo’s fertilised with Cliff’s sperm vs embryo’s fertilised with a donor and rule out any sperm issues through looking at the embryology as opposed to the normal semen analysis.  

When we went in for our transfer talk, we were pleased to see that whilst our fertilization rate vs donor fertilization rate was lower (for various reasons, my eggs did not like being ICSI’d) our embryo’s were looking just as good, if not better than the donor ones.

We transferred our 3 remaining embryo’s and decided to freeze the donor embryo’s – just in case.

Thankfully we never had to worry about the “just in case” because we were blessed with a BFP at long last.  At the time, with all the bleeding I was experiencing we decided to not make any decisions relating to the donor embies as we were not sure if the pregnancy was going to progress.  Thank God, our son was a survivor and our pregnancy continued healthily.  As we got caught up with the pregnancy, any thought of the frozen donor embies was stored in our memory banks, much like the embies themselves were stored in a freezer at our clinic. 

We got a bill for their storage a little while ago and we were unexpectedly thrown into a bit of a dilemma. 

It’s important to state that we never intended on using the donor embies in the first place.  BUT.  When the bill arrived we were FORCED to now make a concrete decision about them.  And I found myself wondering if we shouldn’t keep them – just in case.

Just.In.Case… Three innocuous little words but words that hold so much impact when put into practical use in one’s life.

Cliff and I chatted and discussed what we should do with these little embryo’s.  They are a part of me after all.  There was so much more that we needed to consider in light of all that has transpired since we froze them.  We needed to factor in that we now know that we *can* achieve a pregnancy out of embryo’s from our own genetics.   We needed to consider that we’re both not getting any younger and needed to seriously consider when (if at all) we would like to try for a second baby.  We needed to explore our hearts and find out if we could ever really use those embryo’s knowing that they were created using half of me and half of another man. 

I am not happy to discard the embryo’s.  

I have always said that I wanted to be an egg donor – but only once I had managed to have a child of my own.  It seems like the best and most practical solution is to put these embryo’s up for adoption.  That way they have the chance at giving someone else the gift of life and parenthood.  And in doing this, I am in a very round about way, fulfilling my dream of being a donor.

I never thought that it would be a decision that I would grapple with the way I did.  I know how much hope these two embryo’s hold and I know that they could potentially change someone’s life in the most amazing and profound way.  But I do feel somewhat sad that we’re letting them go. 

When I look at my son and feel the many ways he has healed me through his very presence I know that we have made the right decision.

I will never forget the darkness that infertility brings.  The sense of hopelessness when faced with a diagnosis you have no idea how to conquer.

So it is with love that we have put our donor embryo’s up for adoption through our awesome clinic. 

I hope that they heal another couple’s hearts and that they are able to bring back the hope and joy that has probably been stolen from the couple that will end up using them. 

Thank you donor embies, for giving us the sense of hope we needed at a time when hope was low.