Today I forgot – for the third week in a row – to send a show & share item to school with Archer.  So, naturally, I’ve been beating myself up about it all day, as if this is going to alter the course of her entire life because she will have been so devastated at not having anything to share.  Sigh.

This is what a typical day is like for me:

• wake up around 6 am and shower (if I’m feeling particularly exhausted, I’ll hit snooze a couple of times and save the shower for the evening)
• get coffee started (HIGH PRIORITY)
• eat breakfast and attempt to wake up
• prepare lunch & snacks for myself, Seamus, and Archer
• wake the kids
• giver Archer her meds
• get breakfast for the kids and my mom
• help my mom with toileting
• get dressed, put on makeup if I have time
• find clothes for the kids
• badger my kids to get dressed
• make sure everything is in the school backpacks
• herd reluctant children to the door to get their boots and jackets on
• attempt to leave the house by 8:15
• drop kids off at daycare
• get to work around 8:45 and finally drink some coffee
• work
• depending on my work schedule, I’ll use my lunch break to go to the gym or run errands; sometimes I just sit at my desk like a catatonic lump
• work
• leave work at 5 pm
• pick up kids
• make supper if J hasn’t already done so
• spend an agonizingly long time getting my kids to eat
• bathe kids
• get them to do their homework (they have a stupid amount of homework for 5 & 6 year olds)
• do dishes
• tidy kitchen/dining room table and/or do laundry
• nag kids to brush their teeth and pee before bed
• bedtime story
• get kids off to bed
• help my mom get ready for bed
• collapse on the couch in an exhausted heap and spend an hour or so with J
• blessed sleep

My entire life feels chaotic and disorganized.  I know that I need to work out a better system for myself so I’m not rushing madly to get everything together at the last minute, but I have a serious mental block about putting a plan into action.  I know things might be a little less of a mad sprint in the mornings if I got out clothes and snacks the night before, for example, but by the time I get everyone off to bed I’m just done.  I have almost no time to myself at all, except for a few precious minutes in the morning when I’m still attempting to regain consciousness. And I wouldn’t exactly call that restorative.

Could J do more?  Sure.  Have I asked him? Yes.  Does he do it? Not usually.  So I’ve just kind of given up on asking.  We won’t go into the years of resentment that have built up over this.

Anywaaaaaaay…

Along with all the regular daily things, there are often little extras thrown in, just to keep me on my toes.  Library day. Spirit day. Show & share day. Doctor or therapist appointments. Send money for some random school function.  Milk & special lunch orders.  Running errands for my mom.

I need a personal assistant.  Someone more organized and more rested than me.

It’s no wonder that I feel as if I’ve lost myself amidst the clusterfuck that is my life.  I have no time for the things that make me ME.  I’m just dashing from one thing to the next, trying to keep all the plates spinning.  Sometimes when I’m watching the plates spin, I dream about things like continuing my education, getting back into writing, or traveling again.  I know it won’t happen until my kids are basically self-sufficient, but a tired old crone can dream.

Please don’t think that I hate my life.  I absolutely do not.  But I would love to be able to have more room to just breathe, relax, and enjoy it.  I’d like to have the time to add myself to the list of people to take care of.