I think I'm having a quarter life crisis, not so much instigated by the coming-of-age but the recent occurrence of events that have caused me to lose hope in humanity.
It is telling that now, whenever I garner enough will to write something on my blog, it is inevitably another depressing castigation of modern day society and the humans that perpetuate all that is wrong with it.
I fucking hate humans. And at first, I hate that I hated humans. I used to love people. Genuinely loved people. Saw beauty, intellect, and passion in even the most boring motherfuckers. Could hold any conversation with anybody and trick myself into becoming interested in a conversation about the randomest shit like gardening. Knitting. IT networks. Your favourite make-up brand. Your mundane career achievements that you think are so brilliant. And withstand that shit for an hour because I will be genuinely, invested.
And now, I really couldn't give a flying fuck. I can't do it anymore. I don't even want to pretend. I just want to say "Shut the fuck up" and leave the room. Or better yet, stay in the room. Stay in that very position, but turn around and eat another party pie while you gawk like the stupid, B-class yuppie that you are.
Wow. You know. I really just can't humour people anymore. Or at least I don't want to. Maybe I still put up the barest sliver of effort - but soon, I feel I'm going to give way to my nascent new personality. That of a cynic. And therefore, not feel the need to comply with social de rigeur and smile politely while you spew absolute bullshit fuckery into my face. I would love to curl up all that crap into a fireball and launch it right back at you; jam it so far down your throat you don't know what hit you. Because by god, someone needed to do it. And at some point, you needed to learn how boring or I guess, fake and incompetent you are.
Yeah. I don't know how I'm going to keep being alive for another fifty years when I now realise how ridiculously disappointing and flawed and disgusting humans are.
So driven by selfishnes and egotism. Insecurities and self-delusion.
Fuck.
You know. When you've dealt with people like that, it is the most exhausting thing in your life. It really does change you. And now I know how people become such nihilistic, negative, cynical shits. It's because of other people being so shit.
And the guys and girls around me who are like "hah the world isn't so bad!!! People need to stop being so negative" - yeah. Well, you know, they're kind of lucky they've never had to deal with such shitty ass people. Like, really. You're so lucky. God, I envy you.
You never had someone who was so bad, they just turn everything you ever believed in on its head, and which makes you kind of scared.
Because you put so much trust into that person, and you saw so much greatness in them - only to be betrayed by the venom that also existed alongside that very greatness.
See. People are like that. They can have dual sides to them. A multidimensional fucking thing going on because that's what humans are. They can be so amazing. And so ridiculously bad at the same time. And when you're new to this shit, it takes time to realise - wowwwwwwwwww this person that I thought was SO AMAZING is actually the biggest fucking waste of a time I've ever experienced. Sexist. Racist. Violent. Whatever. It's like women who fall for guys who end up beating them. There may actually be so many other amazing things about this man, but it just so happens that he also beats his wife.
And the saddest thing is when the wife tries to help 'change' him, because she still loves him.
Anyway.
It's kind of weird using that analogy. Because the person who betrayed me was not like that - you know - not violent.
I never even dated him.
He was just a best friend that I really really loved, who ended up revealing his true colours - he was racist, misogynist, disrespectful to so many others, cheated on so many partners, lied to his friends and lied to himself. He lied so fully to himself that he believed in those lies. And what could I do, but watch him descend into an abyss of self-destruction that even he was partly conscious of.
I think if it were just this one time, that I had a friend like that, I would be ok. I would still be the same person.
But you know what shits me. The fact that I had another friend who had such similar issues. That I basically had to coach and mother throughout the friendship until I realised he wasn't able to change, and I removed myself from a mentally draining and frankly, abusive cycle.
Just WHAT THE FUCK.
Then there was the guy, who deluded himself into thinking... no. I can't even go on.
The list is too long.
I have a lot of great, great friends. Intelligent, respectful, deep friends. But because I had been such an immensely trusting, friendly and open person, I also ended up exposing myself to so many toxic fucking people. And then I realised how many men were out there (I mean let's be honest, they're usually men) who can be so charming and whatever when you interact with them briefly, day to day... and you get to know them more and discover how fucked they are.
And yeah. I guess, the accumulation of all that... has just taken its toll. Finally.
I have felt myself change so much the past few months.
And whatever. Like, I'm fine. I'm still high-functioning. I'm just really disappointed. So disappointed. And I was scared that I had been changing so much - having these thoughts about humanity and how shit people were. I was like wow that's not me! and then I panicked because I was scared I was becoming depressed. When really, I was just growing the fuck up because of what happened.
It was soooo weird feeling myself becoming introverted, when before I had been so massively extroverted. The sort of person someone would say "Her? Shy? No fucking way. She's fucking wild lol." And now I'm the person whom my boss is like "A quiet member of the team, but the most organised."
Jesus chrisssssssssssst. What am I becoming.
I don't fucking know. I mean, I have some idea. But will my cynicism ever end? Will this massive pot of disappointment that I have brewing inside me like some fucking potion about to explode, ever retreat to a manageable simmer?
I mean maybe right now, it's manageable. Maybe I'm not even that bad, compared to people like my current boyfriend, who was way more pessimistic and cynical as a person than I was.
Ah. Idk. Idk.
