010 Life

That day, I went back home spontaneously without planning.
Then, I scolded by a group of friends when i tell them i was back. TT
Haha. Because they like to plan and prepare.
They asked me before and i said i would not back.
Then, sudden i back again. Haha. Surprise mah.
I met them during public holiday and plan to sing K.
Out of expectation, all the sing K and movie places closed down.
So sad. ><><
Then we ate from noon to night.
OMG. Surely will increase one more kg.
Once again, wanna me to wear dress.
It's not ok loh but this time i let them put eyelids on me la.
I still felt weird. I think i prefer natural gua.
But they said it make eye looked more beautiful.
Oh!!
Then, wanna sing K by next day. But then it's too expensive d la. So, Next time la.

Then, wanna contact friends to catch up.
Called one and it failed.
Then, i called another one.
She said immediately "hey, you come back alr ya.
I come and fetch you now, we are going to yam cha now."
"Oh!!"
Within 5 mins, they reach outside my house n i go out alr
Wah!!!This time really spontaneous lo.
Haha. But i like it and it's fun.
Then, we talk about recent life.
But i still dunno how she is
because we had too little time to catch up.
Hmm....

These 3 days,
Gathering with families
Gathering with 2 groups of friends
Visit importance relatives
Playing mahjong
Swimming
Had my favorite crispy roti kosong

Wow, so happy leh. All gam gam ho, time matched.
Most of them are out of my expectations la.
However, it had made my 3 days trip to home worthwhile.

Haha, it also means i didnt do anything for the college stuffs.
Out of schedule alr.
But, i never regret and the time is not wasted.
:)

I am proud of myself.

That day, i told her what I observe.
However, she think that there is nothing
She asked me what it is, but i dunno how to describe.
I just said, "Maybe met some setbacks ba!"

However, I still believe in what i observe about ZL.
So, I pay more attention for ZL.
When Zl wanna talk, I will stay even it's time to sleep.
I try to suggest ways for ZL to release the feeling inside.
Hope that it will work.
Actually ZL do not need to tell me anything also ok.
Just need to be fine.
Just dun let the setback be a knot in mind.

In the end, there is sth.
ZL tell me out of sudden.

Whenever the quietness come to ZL
ZL will think of the time that ZL choose to gave up.
Everytime, ZL will still cry.
Besides, there is sth ZL cant tell to others as well.
There is no one suitable let ZL to talk about it.
The feeling of cant share, make ZL felt uncomfortable.
Hmm, it's good that ZL can talk and relief. :)

This is what i want to do. Prevent before it went worse.
I am proud of myself by being able to notice and able to do sth.
Although it is a work that cannot be seen, it's great.
Because once prevented, nothing will happen,
the outcome that should-be-happen can't be seen.
People who cant see, will not feel that i have done sth.
I know it well, but it doesnt matter.

Anyway, I felt that there is many things no need to be thought.
Future, success or not, good or not, blabla, just dun like to think..
So called "future", it will come when it's time
Whatever it is, just walk.

Hmm...sudden think about you.
How are you? SY.
Dunno why, got feelings that you might filled with troubles now.
Bc, u become so quiet out of sudden.
Got a bit worry.

Bad news
My brother got rob.
The angpau money, won money, IC and ATM card all gone.
Must be sad and heartache.

My friend's house got rob.
Many things dissappear.
At least people are fine.

I lose mahjong again.
And once again, is lose to my sister.
What happen?
Hmm....This year is good for her.

I heard that she met with car accident.

The camera broken alr. I cant open it.
Sad. Unable to take beautiful scenario here.

Good news
The trees is full with white flowers and pink flowers.
If only one tree, then nothing so special.
But it is two rows of trees besides road, all are in blossom.
When wind blow, the flowers wave to and fro.
There are butterflies flying around the trees.
This only can be called as HAPPY CNY.
It gave me a spring feeling that i cant feel in hostel.

My auntie popo, who is my baby-sisters still fine.
Going to be 80 years old.
The topic of I climb the window still liked to be talked by her.
Before the spider man produce, i alr climb window.
The story says my auntie popo was cooking in the kitchen.
Then. she put me outside.
Later, she came out to find me in living room
and alr went to search in all the rooms.
However, she couldn't find me and see me. ("")a
She was getting anxious and felt weird.
Suddenly, she looked up.
She saw me climb window.=.="
Hahaha. She was being scared. ^@^
This is a story between us, which we will never forget. haha
Hmm, the chances of meeting her are getting lesser and lesser.
I know.
So, it's a right choice to come back to visit them.

I learn more things from playing mahjong.
Understand the meaning of playing mahjong require experiences
I am happy that i am able to guess right what is in their hands.
This kind of happiness is bigger than winning the game.
I alr do my best not to let them win.
Sudden thinking of my gdmom.
If i dun dislike her before, actually i can learn many things fr her.
She was good in playing chess and mahjong.
She was a strategic player.
I remember i used to play with her when i was still small now
She gave me a lots of surprise at that time.
However, i forgot about it later and never played with her after that.

Haha, last but not least.
My sister got a bf alr.

She ask me how do I think about her?
What kind of person she is?
Have she play her role well?
What should she change.

I...
Run....jt wanna escape. @^
There is sth can never be said.
I know the rule of the game very well.
So, everything is "I dunno".

The moment she asked.
It's good that she ask.
At least....
Hmm...although i know the answers very well.
But i also know that i will never be in the position to tell her.

Hmm....still, there is some minor things change.
The power increase some more
Just because she ask
It's good. :)

Dun look like a stupid
Be a wild card
Dun look like a robot
Be creative

Dun dirty this world?
They said "Dun dirty my world"
Dun look so stupid
They said "Look who is talking"
You should...., You must....
They will ask
"What is should? What is must?""Why should I? Why must I?"
Please be reasonable.
They said
"Reason is for those who talk. Truth is for those who move".

What on earth are you doing now???
They will ask "What are you doing then?"

It's cool!!!!@@

Hmm....HAPPY chinese new year...
Increase 2 kg.
Lost RM20..TT...my four meals..

Found out that I kept lose to my sis
If the game is based on luck, i dun mind.
But if the game is what i am good at playing. I mind
Hmm...How come? TT

I THINK
is because of my lack of concentration and confidence.
Most importance one, lack of fighting will
and easily to be influenced by others.
This is not good. Hmm...
Doesnt relate to my intelligence ya.
When lose or win doesnt matter, the game is not fun
Because i will not try my best to prevent myself from losing lo.
Will not try hard to tease people, to influence others.
Haha....nvm. This year condition not good.
I Believe that next year will be difference.

Used to be objected to gamble.
Thank godness i am able to insist and it's good to play together.
I remember in the past
When we come from difference places (south, north, middles)
and met one time per year
It is awkward lo, n also dun have topics to say.
Plus always nothing to do and can only watch adults gambles.
Not fun.
Then, i got an idea and then go to learn how to gambles.
Actually, is because i want to play. Haha
But it is a difficult journey, you know.
Have to endure humiliation in order to carry out an
" important mission " 忍辱负重。
Haha...
Bc ya, adults will scold me, say i lead astray the children.
TT
Thank godness, i am good at holding the rule.
So, win or lose, is small amount only la.
Then, adult will say "huh, like this also fun ah"
Haiz, dunno how to please them. Dun mind about them la.

Hehe...so leh, adult doesnt always right
At least now, all playmates are good friends.
We laugh and chit chat together.
My objectives reached
When we met each other, we go to each other automatically.
Unlike the past, seem have to avoid each other.
CNY, is for reunion.

But hor, now i am 20++ liao oh.
I can drive to relatives' houses myself alr lo.
Hahaha. Geng leh..
So, should play some other games d.
Hmm... A little trouble is with only limited players
And difficult to teach them how to play.

Hehe...But if all my nephews come along to play,
I dun want change, i want to play with them.
It will be very cute lo.
Waiting for them to grow up...
Wonder whether their parents will let them play or not. o.O
Ei...but will I be too old to play with them at that time?
Hmm...dun care. :p

Some secrets means to be secrets.
Just let them be remain in the box they should be.
At least it give spaces for all sides.
Without experiencing changes, deteriorate will not happen.
Influences will not exist.
Just let them remain.
They are meant to be secrets

I like
When all come back and gather together
When people are in groups,
talking different topics in each group at the same time
playing different games in each group at the same time
When they laugh and play together
When they are growing up and become taller and taller
When they are getting success
When they getting married one after another
When the babies born one after another
When waiting for the time to come together

I dun like
When people are getting older and older
When people are getting weaker and weaker
When disagreement arises
When quarrel and awkward arises
When comparison and questioning occur
When workload of so many people fall onto one person only
When some being boycotted
When everyone place their attention on babies only
and forgotten about old people and put them aside

Whether they are burdens or not, will cause difference reactions.
It is based on perception.
If it is not burden, it will not be.
If it is, then it is.

Burdens cause people
Started to blame.
Started to be frustration.
Started to feel stress
Started want to avoid
Started the need to pretend
The force between is not attracting but repelling
It's full with unwillingness and yet have to do.
The motive behind actions become "because they are my burdens"

The motive should be
willing
ought to
would like to

It cause people
Just do, without asking for reward
Give direct response and direct reaction
Do their best
Without the need to pretend and bear with it
The force between is being attracted

Then everything become beautiful again.

When I started be in the position of counselor and taste the feeling. I paid the price.

I still remembered these cases.
The child
The taxi driver
The msn
The email
The friend
The class

When they appeared together at the same time,
things had become difficult.
Maybe I was not well prepared.
Maybe my sensor was too high.

I had lost my perception and sensitivity at that time.
I was hearing but I couldnt listen.
I was seeing but I couldnt read.
I think my eyes and ears had closed.

When doing assignment, I gathered information from library.
I looked at the words and couldnt understand them.
I remember quite well when doing the 202 project,
she was explaining her concept and I heard it
but I couldnt perceive it, no matter how hard I tried.
I asked her to repeat for a few times,
but I totally couldnt understand what she is talking about
which seldom happen to me in the past.
That time, I know I am seriously in trouble.

In the past, no matter how tired I felt,
if people wanna talk, I would listen.
That time, is also the first time,
I would choose to sleep instead of listening.
Before I fallen into asleep,
the sentence that repeating in my mind is
“Please dun say anymore, please”.

Therefore, when people asked me to relief,
It sounding harsh to my ears.
Not intentionally, but it really truly felt.
They just do not understand.

At that time,
I have lost the strength to break the ice.
I have nothing to talk or to ask.
Lost 5 kg within dunno how many months.
Panda eyes coming up, getting serious.

The best medicine
It is not friends
It is not the working partners
It is not the psychology students

The writers always describe them as “sharing burden”.
Somehow funny to say, in reality or in this experience,
they are just adding burden on me.
If I stay, burdens will only keep added up,
then I will not know when I will able to clean the things.

Or, all this while,
I just do not know how to share the burdens.
I distribute them out and people throw back for me to bear.
Then, I just have to accept it.

At this point of time,
I guess M will say “sad”.
You told me before you know the reason.
You know you perceive things as big
and so you feel what you feel now.
Therefore, I think that the only way is to see the bigger things,
to make what you perceive as big become smaller.
When you are going to lock yourself into your circle
(remember the circle theory I told you before?),
I think maybe can try to remind yourself the bigger thing.

The best medicine for me
Is the activities
Is the children
They are what I discover after searching for a period of time.

Anyway, I am recovering now.
The sensitive come back to me.
As for the perception, although it has not fully recovered,
I feel much better now.
At least I started to listen again, although not fully.

Now, from the perspective of biopsycho,
I think the system of closing my ability to see and to listen
is to protect me.
The extra experience is I know the power of this career
and will be more sensitive in future.

Thanks for my personality. Thank for I dun like to admit defeat.
That’s how I become good at playing reversi
and Go chess on paper
Hahaha!!
I have failed countless of time before able to play well
in primary school,
but I never lost to my failure.
Every setbacks just make me become stronger.

They support me, no matter what I do.
They trust me.
They tell me their dream as well.

They accept me.
They tried to understand me even when they know it’s hard.

They bear with me.
They have to find topics to talk because they know me.

They are patient with me.
They listen to me and understand what I am talking about.

They are not selfish.
They are willing to sacrifice some time or money or effort for me.

They respect me.
I feel like a person besides them, instead of a machine.
Means they can see me and I can see them.

They highly value affection.
When I need them and tell them, they will be with me.
I remember she accompany me and listen to me
even when she was having migraine.
I remember she called me from another country
to tell me something.
I remember when I miss call her accidentally,
she called me back from another country immediately.
Yea, these are the things I will remember.

Sometime, when they need me.
They remember me as well.
They discuss with me.

They have the value of “be frank”
They remind me.
They scolded me when I was wrong. (the more I like them)
(haha, because it means I can tell them when they are wrong).
They tell me the truth and how they think.
They will tell me even they know that I dun like to listen,
they will still say.
It means they are stubborn as well. Haha…

Even when our values and perceptions are not the same,
even when we argue, we still treasure each other.
Most of the time, I have to be other’s “da jie da”
But they are my “da jie da”
and I still can be their “da jie da” as well.
It has to be dual relationship.

These are criteria in high standard
and so they are people I dun wish to give up.
It’s fortunate to meet them.

Understand the underlying meaning of a sentence
Is critical for psychologist.
It is complicated.
Because it is based on both perception, interaction,
past experiences, context and many.
They are called the barrier for communication.
So, it is crucial for a psychology student
to be good at communication.

That day, I told her about something.
She said “It’s good, at least it will not be a burden”
It means we are burdens for her.
It also means that she can’t love.
Lost the ability to trust, to love and to initiate
Perception shaped one’s world.

My respond in mind is “Can this feel be expressed for us?”
Shouldn’t it be hid behind the mask in front of us?
Anyway, I am used to it already
At least I can understand.
Just bear in mind, perception shaped my world.

I went for counselling sessions for bonus mark.
There was no effect
because there was no difference before and after.
She didn’t dig.
She was challenging me, which have no effect on me.
Because I didn’t go to think depth in the topic that she challenged.
Most things she said I know already
And I think this is not what I want.
She tried to impose some value to me.
She tried to force me
But she dunno I am stubborn person
who have difficulty to accept it.
The so called therapeutic relationship has not developed.

Then, in return, I come up with my comments.
(uncontrollable, just will think) Haha, so me.
I think she have her own issues haven’t resolved.
I think she is lack of patient.
I think she has difficulty to develop relationship.
I think she is stressful and not relax. And so, I cant relax.
Even I want to cross my leg as I always do in the past also cant.
I think she focus on technique and her assignment, instead of person.
She didn’t ask clear question which I think I am confused.
I think this is terrible.
She showed the expressions of wanting to force me
It is obvious in the setting she designed and the way she talked.
She dunno what I need.

Come back to think of my other friends’ sessions.
They always were waiting for the next session to come.
The relationship developed
Because the flow of information is two-ways
There were interpretations that matched with philosophy.
There were stories.
He dug and threw a lot of questions.
She felt that she was tired after the session.
She said “I finally found someone who understand me”
Trust and closeness developed.
They have homework and things to think after the session.
Then, they found their own answer
And then come to understand themselves better.
They express a will of wishing to continue
Even after bonus mark fulfilled.

Well. It doesn’t matter. I believe in fate.
Every experience happened for its own reason.
I think I can learn many things from these again.
Haha..

Yea, I am doing thesis now.
My idea was developed based on my experience.
When I first met my supervisor, she liked my idea.
I am happy because she accepted my creativity.

Then, I studied the history and I studied the way to analyze.
It is a long journey.
Finally, I made decision and designed my experiment.
It is stressful
I have used up large amount of my time and energy.
I found out the inadequacy of certain stuff
It should be the future direction.
I know my inadequacy to do certain stuffs
Anyway, I have tried my best.

Second time I met her with my draft,
she help me to restructure something.
She said “it is interesting” after she gave her comments.
Her compliment is powerful
And it motivated me to like my experiment.

Third time I met her and told her my problem,
She gave me a guideline.
After that, she said “it’s good”

Fourth time I met her to sign my ERB
She said “I might want to involve in it”.
Should I move with tear now? haha
But I also with a sense of afraid d..haha

Hmm…Not everyone know how to accept
And yet able to set the well-positioning boundary.
Isnt it good to have such a friend-like teacher?
She did not instruct me. She did not force me.
She be with me and develop with me.
I learned in this way, not only about thesis
but also way to be a good teacher.

Yea. It makes me like counselling even more.
What matter is not subject, is the people.
Just like it is boring to study history for certain people,
but it become not once they met the right teacher.
I am fortunate. :)

I saw you again this time.
However, I am difference now.
No longer willing, no longer confidence and no longer with the ablity.

I saw your steps, it looked so heavy, it seem talking about your mood.
Your back was bowed, it seem expressing a feel of no choice.
Your eyes looked empty.
Your words is filled with sense of helplessness.
You seem sending out a message of nearly broken pillar.

It seem that you are experiencing a feeling that millions of troops pressing down on you.
The feeling is wack in your heart.
The heart is paining and yet you dunno why you feel pain.
You sudden feel that you yourself are no longer existed.
Nothing can be done and nothing can be thought of.

Although is empty, you are still being tugged at.
It's seem like the center of the nearly broken pillar still making desperate effort to hold up.
Because it is clearly known that the collapsed pillars will be countless once the center break down. Then you dunno how much time you need to clean away the broken pillar.

It is just like taking toothpicks to put under the eyelids, no matter how hurt is it. Once the toothpicks taken away, the heaviness of the eyelids will cause the eyes closed. Then, you dunno when you can open your eyes again.

You are smiling, you are chatting, you are trying to portray that you are ok.
Somehow, sensitive me still tell me that it is not true.
They are still affecting your life.

When I started to see again, i am stuck in between.
I wonder I want to close my eyes or go to look clearer.
I know the past experience still blocking me.

Anyway, I believe that you will get well soon because you are still trying hard.
At that time, you will be stronger.

It's just 2 minutes, yet the effect is great on me. It doesnt matter when I am on stage, it does matter before and after the speech.

Before my turn, too nervous until heart rate increase, hand palm cold and head numb.

When it is my turn, i dun remember what I told to public. I will suspect that whether i have left out any sentence. Since i was blank and can only just concentrate on the flow of speech, two minutes is just a blink of eye.

"A very good morning to everyone. Today, I would like to talk about myself. Over the past year, i think i have changed a lot but there is one thing never change. It is "I am stubborn".

For example, I will choose to use raincoat instead of umbrella, although it seem embarrassing. it is because i think that using umbrella when raining, i will still get wet, I would rather use raincoat. Besides that, I also have a bicycle. To some people, cycling might not suitable for girl, but i never bother about it.

I seldom change my things. This watch and this beg, I have used for 7 years already. I also always wear this jacket. i think they are my friends. I think it is useful as i can put a lots of things in my pocket and it give me a sense of secure. It accompany me to attend activities, giving speech and go for exam as well.

I remember my mom told me that, when i first study kindergarten, she wanted me to take school bus to kindergarten, but I refused. She have to take my head and the bus auntie have to take my leg to put me on seat. However, before the bus drove into another alley, I choose to jump down from bus and ran back to home.

When I grow up, there is something happen. Tsunami and the death of my grandma stimulate my thought. i started to study harder and wanted to become vegetarian. i think it bring me to college today and i have become vegetarian for three years already.

I think, stubborn play a big role in my life.

Thank you!"

Still got five seconds, what i can say is just "stubborn, means persistent but it also means that the difficulty to agree with what i dun think is correct".

After the presentation, heart rate maintain, hand palm remain cold plus the scenes about the presentation keep coming back to me. Sound like PTSD huh... Have to admit that it was affecting me. The things is it is not a couple of minutes thingy, can be hours, can be days.

Dun really know how to explain why.

After being critiqued, not being acknowledged.
Some people have the chance to reverse the tide.
Some people do not have it.
Cannot blame on the others
Cannot blame on the fate.
Can only blame on oneself who choose to give up at that time.

Time will prove everything.
The only faith is to believe in oneself.
The fake one is just ephemeral, will disappear
Only the true one can last
Your sincerity, Your seriousness, Your firm.

I like to play puzzle, logo and chess since small.
I like the process, i think.
Win or lose, able to produce a successful picture or not
doesnt really matter.
I like to search for an answer
and then search for a question from the answer.
That's why I like depth and dun like speed.
In short, i like to think and imagine which require time.

KC write in her blog "she must be too busy analyzing how the magician trick the people."
-Yes, I agree and I was
KC write in her blog "rather than to enjoy the 'magic' itself".
-What is magic?
-hehe...I think I enjoyed magic very much. I always like to play games and included magic.
KC said "I realized magic is for stupid people who don't think. When you think too much, magic isn't for you." When one think so much, everything seems ' li suo dang ran' and unexciting.
-Hehe, depend on the definition of excitement.
-Hmm...also depend on the definition of stupid.

Actually, it's trill for me to solve the puzzle of the magic.
It's interested me because I am curious about it.
Then, i will start searching for the answer and about "how".
I even know some rumor or theory about the magic, such as using little ghost to help them (养小鬼) and using ghost to close your eyes (鬼遮眼). It's interesting. Haha
Then, sometime, if you observe some magician, you will notice some of them have always been off colour.

I enjoy guessing and analyzing when watching magic.
Especially at the moment of "I get it" "oic"
It is true that I do not enjoy the dreams magic created such as dissappear from this world, produce a lots of money and become the gamble king.
It is dirty for me.
However, I do admire their wisdom, by being able to create such trick, no mather is to bluff people or give people a hope.
I enjoy the piece of wisdom produced by human.
I do enjoy the magic, but enjoy in difference way.

Haha...i like to play this in blog as well, it's fun. Haha *Smile* :)

After class, took bus, attended this.
When I reach, it's late night and i late for 2 hours.
I took a turtle bus...
This time didnt dress up to suit the event.
Because it's rush and inconvenience to take bus.
Dunno what to say when reach there, very me..
Haha..
Jt chit chat about each other and took photo.
She is elegant. :)






Hmm...I am TALL. :P