010 Life

People says

There are people who only know how to say
but never fulfilled what they said.
Like to give others hope
and den destroy it by themselves.
Waiting to see how they will do,
but the show will never be put up.

Even they fulfilled one day out of spur,
I think my feeling is just surprise but not excited.

Maybe they have forgotten what they say
Is it an excuse?
Forget about it means never serious about it or means it.
Isn't?

Place self at best interest by stepping on others
is the value i dun 1 2 recognize.
If you cant do it, at least you have tried your best.
But if you dun 1 2 do it, why you have to say it out?

It's nice to listen to them,
but it never nice to feel.
How to trust people?
A lesson learn here, is not to trust these kind of people.

I can learn to forgive but not forget.
Just like i cant forget what they had said.

I still remember that i predict that the thing will not success,
Because of their attitude... Because of their calculative....
They didnt even bother to solve the problems
nor did they have thought of making it success.
Letting time to bring the responsible away.
Thinking about how much effort and time themselves have put.
As predicted, it failed and faded...
Actually not much they have done
n so i think they are not fit to gain so much.

I know and i was watching.
However, I choose not to bother
I choose to focus on myself
because i want to be a better person
and live in a better world
I strongly believe in
what kind of people will live in what kind of world

I choose to learn to accept.
I choose to smile.
Because everything will vanish in 100 years later anyway.

I really realize the simple rule of
living a simple and easier life.
Make full use of time in useful stuffs.
Only myself is my business. :)

You are still my nightmare.

After the battles, as the last person to leave the room.
Leaving with emptiness or fulfilled feeling?

It's not about what i was doing.
It's not about the outcome.

It's about what and how have I done.
Looking back and feel what i am feeling now.
What is it?

Meaning? Assigned by me...
Fear? Conquered by me...
Ended? Started by me...

Who decide?

Either you die or i die.

If someone ever told you that study account

If i dunno how deep i am.

Today, i just told myself that i will learn my lesson.

Sometime i was down.

I read what you have written.

Today was not a happy day.

You can call me narcism, I dun mind.:PPP

二月

１．沉重的低压气息总是能够让人喘不过气．

三月

１．激烈的激荡，嘣开的一刹那，轻得让人飘荡．

１．是什么让自己的价值比其他的还低？

Today's exercise in lecture.
What does one minute means to me?
Stood and closed my eyes.
Dun countdown and started.
When i felt one minute reach, just sat down.
I was the 26 second person.
The last person who sat down was 1 minute and 26 second person.

This is influenced by the power of thought.
I think i felt i am lacking of time.
Time just flies.
Actually, is because i am slow, but not because time is fast.
I need to spend more time on certain action compare to others.

I think I am practitioner.
This one minute activity is much more impact than 3 hours lecture.
I just remember it and think about it.
As for the other information, it faded alr
and also be flushed away by me doing assignments.

Walking back to the spot.
Thinking about what life is?
To live

Asking about the meaning of life.
After so many sessions,
Counselor concluded that "is a journey to look for it for whole life"
Hmm...this answer...isnt it too.......
Is it the phrase she thought before she came for termination session? No matter what i think, what i say?
Is it what she can offer? The help?
Hmm...

Is it becoz of prejudice?
I just dun like her.
Maybe that way just not suit to me.
The value that matter is authenticity.

I confront in the last sessions
Most of the principle she said in the previous sessions, i know alr.
Besides, the things i said is what i know also
It is just a matter of bring it up and speak it out only.
So, nothing new i learn.
Especially about her explanation of "choice" to me
Yeah! i even told her in more bluntly way that
i know about it when i was in form 5.

Recently, I need to conduct experiment.
The songs used is one sad and one happy.
My mood was going along up and down as well.

Recently, my feeling is very up and down.
My sense of composing and creating has come out.
They were just like waves that flows thro' and flow thro'
The feeling that I have lost long time ago came back.
My inspiration, make me happy, but bother me at the same time 2.
I just dun hav time to look at them or record them.
Let them go ba...

I seldom have dream or know dream, but recently
I can even dream so many stories while sleeping.
How come the stories and inspiration can become so strong?
I also dunno what is the source of stimulation.
Might be too many musics and movies for project recently.
It is different from enjoying entertainment
To be attentive for movie & music & so create the effect?
Dunno...

Recently, i have four projects on hand.
_Thesis havent touched yet.
_One experiment is in analysis stage, still headache for it.
Just hope everything is simple and effective.
We are striving for the extra 5 bonus mark.
I heard that they are going to be harsh
for this assignment and final exam,
because mid-term is too easy alr. hmm...

_One construct in in poster stage
I felt scared and sense my inability a lot.
Just tell myself, it's way to learn to accept my weakness.
Hmm....I have trouble to follow my group mate, contribute,
participate in discussion and understand their conversation.
Staying with them, i just become very quiet and have no opinions.
However, i spend most time with them. Hmm
Their brain just work so fast and their english just so good.
I havent read any sentence, they alr understand the content.
How to follow their pace, how to catch up?
No way to do.
I can only come back to my own
and study whatever I can by my own.
Wonder why, even i know i will feel bad,
i still choose to take this subject. Hmm.....

_Lastly, is movie project.
It is totally opposite with construct.
I can think a lots, I talk a lots, I do a lots, I create a lots.
I have ways to solve the problems.
I felt happy while doing because they are pictures and not words.
They are stories and life but not argument, critical nor statistic.
It is in editing phase now and i enjoy seeing the film.
However, playing too many role at the same time
and i felt myself not concentrate enough.
I didnt play my role well at certain point of time.
So many little things i didnt notice and cause the loss of feeling.
Hmm....Suddenly, have a loss of confidence to my movie.

Besides that, sad to see the assignment.
Blame on myself for not participating in group meeting.
Everything is just a mess.
I sense that
my ability to trust go down some more..
Hard to build up and can go down so easy...haha

Morning, i felt happy for no reason.
So i write down sth
I think i am just in manic phase, then, I scared and wonder
Will it go down to depression phase steeply?
Just think about that, then
From afternoon til night til next day...
the depression feel really come and stay with me....
I sense myself see every negative things
Every positive thing changed to negative by powerful me alr.
Is it because i thought of negative when i was in manic phase?
The power of mind by "Secret"?
I dunno.

Just so up and down.
But luckily I am aware of most things.

With my great camera man
With my great actor
With my script
With me

Wow...haha....feel so happy
and like it so much
Like this part...
:)

Filming, you have taken my soul and mind.
No matter what I do, I will thinking about you.
I have put everything in you. It's everything.
I believe you will be my best memory in college.
I wont forget about you.

I dun care what is the outcome of it.
We have try our best.

I never know i can like it so much.
A happiness of flying to the sky.
It's the effect of being Gemini or I really love it?
I dunno.
I just know i like it so much now.

I am not treating it as assignment already.
It's a product.
It combined experiences, emotion, personality, behavior.....
Many things...
It's just so interesting.

It is a must to watch this movie.

Today. i need to renew library book.

These are the good photos i mean oh. :)

If the time went back
I will still choose you.
You are really the person in my mind
who suitable to do this.
I really like your product.
Too bad...
Wonder will there be another chance.
In this case, i am pessimistic.

She is thinking about a happy story about herself to say
She talked about a day that she can complete her own things.
After that, she can meet a group of friends to discuss about
a way to teach dancing.
Then, the method is really effective.

Then...
I ask...
U know dancing?
-Yes.
U prefer teaching dancing ma?
-No, I prefer dancing alone.
So, is it a way to relax?
-Ya, i like it a lot. It is also my dream.
-However, i still need to consider the reality.
-Sometime, dream and the reality cannot be realized at the same time.
WHy?
-Hmm...the market of teaching dancing is not so big.

In the end, it's sad
Hmmm..

She said i am out of categories.
Normal cant explain me.
Hmm....actually, i think so.
Seem like most test not accurate for me.

Where do I stand?
I dun bother.
Categories are created.
I think I have power to create for myself.
If there is none, i can create one place for myself to stand.
Although not much people will stand with me.
Does it matter?

Friday, after attending course of editing movie,
writing script from noon to midnight 3am.

Saturday, too tired alr plus the weird phone, i cant wake up
Make people wait for me for half an hour outside my house. =.="
I reach college by 8.30am.
Shooting until 12am, only i back home.
Finally, can take a rest bc body and mind both tired. TT

The moment i back home, i cant open the door of my room. =.="
I did bring the key, but the problem is 'just cant open' TT
Then, i can only slept on the sofa.
Because my phone battery flat alr and roommate all not at home.
It's saturday night.
Til 2.30am, one of them come back with bf.
Her bf helped me to break the door because i really need to go in.
Argh...the next problem is I dunno how to tell my landlord alr. Err...
Left this problem aside first, coz i hav no time for it.

The script kept running in my mind, i cant sleep until near 4am.
Again, cant wake up on time. Late 10 minutes. =.="
When I wake up, my whole back pain. ><
Training from 9-6pm.
Online meeting from 8pm-12am.

Tomoro 10am, continue shooting.........

ANyway, need to complete 4 assignments within 2 weeks. Haiz...

PLUS, these few days, sicking. @@ TT

Today.
I meet someone there.

She speak everything in my mind.
I felt so happy that she understand what I want.
She also understand what i said.
Besides, she also share her ideas with me.
So that i can put into script.
Because she got many experiences in drama
And she like it a lots.
Everything she shared, just match with my stuff.
The feeling is like "wah, haha."

She is someone with dreams
She want to create something that would not fade with time.
Besides, the thing must not be vulgar.
It has to be elegant, noble...
She said, her final destination, final satisfaction
will come from this. Must be come from this.
I understand.
Then, i change my conversation as well.
Talk about something deeper directly. HAHA
She mention everyone has their own missions in this world.
When able to realize it, this is some kind of happiness.
This is called "self actualization" in theory.
However, too bad, i need to rush for script.
And so, i stop myself.
Before, she left, she mentioned that actually,
she got published her short essay gei
"WAH"

SO, here is what i know,
She is a good analytical
Also a philosopher
A thinker.
Someone wish to wander around the world
She know what she like,
But she also know about the reality.
Most importance, she know about LIFE.

She like to study about people.
But she is not studying psychology.
She is studying marketing.
And this is her last semester.

This is the first impressive she gave me.
I am so happy.
I remembered I have meet 4 people like this in college.

I met her here.
This place is quiet.
It got what I like.
It got what I want.
It's safe
It let me meet someone like this.
This place is my paradise.
Haha. :)
It's a special day again.
This time, someone witness it.
Yea...it's just always happen spontaneously.

Is it normal?
Always having meeting from early morning to night.
Last time, is because of marketing project.
But it's still ok.
Although many meeting, also fr morning to afternoon only.
Then, later is construct.
From 9-7pm
Then, tomoro again doing project from 6am-11pm
In order to write the script, work from 2pm-10pm,12am continue.
Sunday, training from 9-6pm.
Argh...@@
=.=" *pulling my face down

Mission completed.
I have finished my minor.
I am extremely happy for that.
It is called "flow"
Because this is the challenge not too difficult
and not too easy for me.
Most importance, I have accomplished it.
Haha

So, now left major and my training.
Left 7 to-be-completed subjects.
Third phase will started from this Sunday until June.
Pray that everything will be fine and go smoothly.

I am having a feeling that I am dreaming.
College life seem like a dream.
I wonder after I graduate, will I feel that i have just made a dream.
Hmm...when i wake up,
I have just gone back to the same life as three years ago.
Is it because it is like this?
Or is it because now seem fake and there seem real.
I dunno and dun un.

He smsed me and asked me to cure him.
I can face it better now and I told him I cant.
You can talk to me but I cant cure you.
Only you can cure yourself.
Gambateh!!everyone.

I have completed my defense, means this subject completed.

Have tried my best, but no confidence.

Not so terrible, just getting their feedback.

Wear formally because i dunno whether I should.

Done better than none.

Exhausted and not happy.

A feeling of

Bye bye.

Shut down.

It's my doom day.
I am getting nervous now.

This is the photo i get it by one year ago.
Since that, i always put it as profile picture. The feedback i gained is "is cute". Nobody noticed the other thing.
Some thinked that i would not like this photo.
This is just a normal photo, no need 2 be complicated anyway.
Not only great, is formidable.
Suddenly felt extremely admire the photographer.
I wonder I can be like her or not.
To capture the natural, life, the moment, the story and the feeling.
I still remember I was not concentrate on the event nor did I observe something at that time, I was thinking about something else. This moment has been captured. :)

Just feel that she is a good photographer just because her photo give people feeling. This is how I justified a good photographer. No need to be complicated. Beautiful means beautiful, got feeling means got feeling.
It's a more normal picture taken from normal angle now. :)