rambles.

i've got a personal mission. i feel encouraged.

but other than that...
i've got my 2nd thots of tuition.
AHHH! how could that be??

emo emo emo.
after tuition today.

of coz i love giving tuition.
of coz i enjoy having tuition.
of coz i love my tutees.
of coz i wanna give them tuition.

then why the 2nd thots?
why the sadness? sorrow? confusion?

"school is starting right?" [mum of student]
"yeah. n when sch starts i cant teach u anymore."
*looks abit shocked*
"oh. the coordinator will help u find another tutor. dun worry"
"huh. but she likes u"
*abit taken aback*
"u sure u cant continue?"

i saw the sadness in her eyes.
the disappointment.

AHH.
y muz it b this way?

while it makes me glad that im loved.
it sent a piercing stab into my heart.
im leaving them. abandoning them?
man. it hurts.
its not time yet...

but still...

when the time comes.
how???
n it'll b one after the other.
all at 1 go.
can i leave them juz like that?

God. wont u teach me?
to not get so emotionally attached?
to not b so loving?

hahx. now that sounds quite retarded.

but well.
i cant have the best of both worlds right?
life is full of choices.
and... theres that chinese saying...
shi shang wu bu san zi yan xi.

Lord. [for real now. haha..]
teach me.
how.
how to make decisions.
how to accept things.
how to not feel so bitter inside.
i pray that for those i cant continue coz of distance n time...
that they'll get much better tutors than me.
who can help them improve.
plus be a friend to them at the same time.

u'll definitely always be in my heart. in my prayers.

Labels: emo, pray, tuition, work

cant stand it anymore.
sorry if this is gonna stress u if u read..
but i need juz somewhere to vent.

i enjoy teaching.
i really do.
tho it gets me up n down sometimes..
i still find the rewards satisfying.
but i know i definitely cant take it on full time/long term.

ok.
actually thats irrelevant. hahx.

wad i wanna say is...

im such an emo girl! ahhh..
im so emotionally attached.

after finishing the 10 lessons in the sch.
i realised i was really sad deep down inside.
tho happy it finished..
part of me yearns to continue still.
tmr.. yet another 10 lessons end.

so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye.
i leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye, goodbye.


another is...
dunno how to put it. only know...
i feel so helpless and useless when it happens...
feels like its my fault? my inability to help.
it hurts me, pains me and breaks my heart.
to see dat im unable to make this poor soul feel better, improve n gain confidence.
to see efforts but nth back in return.
to see spirits dampened, broken, shattered.

i think i try i ponder i analyse.
but i dont know what i can do!
nth helps.
tell me what to say.
give me the words.
words of encouragement to juz lift his spirits.
to bring him back to himself.

deep in thoughts...
i find a way. i think of ways.
i think of why. find out why.
what to do. how to go about it.
whats the plan now?!

deep down inside my heart cries for u.
silly.
i even shed tears.

anyhows..
juz wanna say..
tho i dont know how.
neither can i say i understand how u feel...
coz i know i can nv do so entirely.
i still wanna tell you...
i'll be there for you.
i'll support you.
ultimately... i believe in God.
may He be your pillar of strength.
have faith. be strong. you can do it!

Labels: emo, tuition, work

went blog hopping today.
trying to get in touch w ppl's lives since ive got some time now..

its the MYE!
jiayou my dear dear students / tutees.
tho i think only 1 of the above will see this.
but yup.. thanks to mye.. my pace of life has kinda slowed a lil?
yeahhh. some breathing space n time for myself.
plus some stress. hehx.

anyways... bout the blog hopping....
blogs r good coz it helps u keep in touch w ppl.
as long as they update la of coz.

found out some stuff..
my friends are... either...
slogging away in various jobs
enjoying their work
wanting to change jobs
slog till they sick
slacking
worried bout uni applications coz no confirmations
worried bout interviews / went for them
got confirmations to various places..
enjoying life

one thing which i realised...
not juz recently... but quite long ago is..
tho i really love my job. have fun. together w some frustrations.
lots of laughter. joy. quite abit of OT.
LOVE my students / tutees...
im pretty much alone!!
ahhh. everyone has got colleagues!
but i? nope.
okay. yes i do... but well..
i see them like say once a week?
talk a lil / dun talk at all..
even if i talk to them.. i pretty much cant remb their names. hehx
sometimes not even their faces...
sorry. but.... not really my fault la.
amount of time spent w them each meetup = bout 5 min or less
n sometimes theres like random new faces... coz relief a teacher?
then those i see for a longer period... i meet them so rarely!
or rather... it depends on my assignments when i do get to meet them.
ah well.

all in all...
i wanna say..
i miss school actually.
routine. many many friends to do many many stuff w u..
work is v different.
walk off by urself.. meals urself.. sit ard by urself waiting for the time.
but i love working too.
coz each day brings me new surprises. new experiences.
new weird speech ive invented. new methods. new things to learn!

well... IM TAKING A BREAK TOMORROW!
from the usual sat day rush. thats y im here.
for those who know bout the movie date...
im not going for movie. coz of many many reasons.
tho im pretty much free this sat..
sorry.

i close my eyes n drift off to a world by myself...
rest now my dear.

Labels: school, tuition, work

"dum da da dum
dum da da dum
dum da da dum
dum da da dum"

*hums to self*

ahhahaa...

i guess only cx will understand what all those above i about eh? lol!

anywayyy... today has been a wonderful day!

other than the fact that almost all the guys i know r in ns now...
n im sad coz there'll b lesser ppl to chat to me online.

but other than that....
i sent my couz to tekong w my couz!
whee!
how fun!
hahaha...
right couz?

well.. it seemed to me like i was the one going to ns for a moment or 2..
coz i kept saying hi to like guys going for ns. LOL!
n the one going to ns.. well.. he saw 1 friend. yup.
i met 1 vj classmate, 1 sa classmate, 1 pri sch fren, 1 vj ogmate
how fun was that.
oh then funnest part was...
"tsy... dat one ur mum ar? then the 2 girls? [referring to my couz n me..]
u guess leh?
1 ur gf. 1 ur sis"
wahahahahaa.
totally fun.
then we hugged our dear couz.
n waved happy goodbyes as we left "bintan"
it really looked like it at the jetty at least. hahaha..

then went for tution w cx.
1.5h of amaths.
supposedly
became 4h of amaths?
fascinating.
n piano performance.
n me desperately trying not to b a clown beside the pro.
right?
haha..

well im really happy today.
had fun.
tuition rocks.
now i wonder which other person will agree w me on that.

but well... its the start...
so as time goes by.. n we draw near it..
JIAYOU! alright tutee??
wo hui zhi chi ni de!

Labels: tuition, work