Somewhere in my Memory

You know, more often than not, I can easily catch myself in hypocrisy.

Just today I was going to post a blog entry about Universalism, New Age and how much I despise those beliefs. I was going to make the comment about how Oprah likes to quote scriptures from the Bible, but ignores things like the gospel and that there are none righteous, not even one. Then I realized how I still shy away from books like James, 1 and 2nd Peter, parts of Revelation and parts of other books because they seem to contradict the gospel. I know it's simply my lack of understanding, but I've yet to understand a lot of those things and I get scared when I read certain passages. This happened in Hebrews very often before I understood grace and the New Covenant. Now I love Hebrews. It always makes me very confident in the gospel.

But there are parts where I intentionally avoid because I feel I don't understand them or am not ready for them. I used to make myself read everything because I felt that I had to have all my theological pieces in order so that I could be a good Christian. But now I'm starting from the Gospel. Pure Gospel.

I worry at times because I can't love people the way I want and I can't surrender completely to God and love Him as much as I want to. Maybe it's a part of the "slow cooking" process. But I want to go higher and higher in love, faith and hope. I want to explode into the air, flying in the Spirit, loving God with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind and with all my strength. But I find it difficult to understand and grasp God's love. I also have difficulty slowing myself down to meditate on Him.

"Where sin abounded, grace abounded all the more."

Glory to God in the highest for His steadfast, unwavering love and grace. Glory to Him because He is God and there is no other. I wish I could love Him like He deserves to be loved.

I'm again just going to take this time to write out things I'm feeling that I know aren't true. I'm just trying to harness my thoughts.

If I am not spending most of my waking hours in conscious prayer or meditation on God, I feel insincere. I struggle to believe I have God's Spirit inside me, because I struggle with seeing my own faith in Christ's resurrection. I find myself worrying that I never really put faith in Christ's resurrection because I try to see my faith. I'm easily deceived into thinking I am the only person that goes through these attacks. I feel that if I really had faith, I would be some super Christian or I would at least be doing more than I am now. Why? Possibly because there is so much emphasis on obedience.

People have emphasized the importance of their service to Christ. But just the other day, Jesus' very own words came to my mind... "The Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve and to give His life as a ransom for many".

I want obedience; I just have a big problem with slavery. I've told people before that if I could love God as much as I loved my ex-girlfriend, I would be the best Christian in the world. The best? How can I be better than Jesus? If every believer has His righteousness, then what qualifies as a "good" Christian? When I worry about my performance or my faith, I lose faith in Christ and my faith becomes directed towards my faith. I start to try to put faith in my faith and not in Jesus Christ. The enemy is very deceptive. I seem to fall for it every time...Though I am learning to stand my ground even when the feelings of condemnation and accusations are constantly crashing into my mind. When I give into this, I seem to be running in circles.

Day after day I sin. I'm slowly growing in grace. The accusations constantly seem to try and snatch away the seeds of the gospel so that I may not believe and grow. I can sometimes feel something stirring inside me, groaning, wanting to be released. This body often feels like a cage that prevents me from being completely free in the love of God. Sometimes I feel like I'm drunk. Like I don't really understand things very clearly. Especially God's grace. When I used to get drunk, people could mess with my head and really make me depressed. I feel sort of the same way with the accusations.

I struggle with living by faith that God has made me alive. I'm struggling to articulate exactly what tries to worry me. Sometimes I will hear something and it will cause my heart to sink. I'll feel an attack. I wonder how I'm suppose to habitually live by faith that Christ has made me alive. To habitually commune with Him.

I'm just expressing somethings inside that I don't really understand myself.

"Some believe that as we live in Christ, we will keep the law. Even after understanding my identity in Christ, I held that view for quite some time, but I have come to be convinced that this viewpoint carries a subtle danger with it. To suggest that we keep the law implies that we still have some relationship to it, albeit a positive relationship. However, the Bible teaches that we have no relationship to the law at all- neither negative (breaking it) or positive (keeping it). We are dead to the law.

I know someone who never breaks a single law of the land. He never drives above the speed limit, never litters, never disturbs the peace, never does anything wrong at all. One might be inclined to say that he keeps all the laws, but I could argue the point. The person I'm thinking of is my grandfather. I'll tell you one more thing about him: he died years ago. Possessing that knowledge, would you say that he is keeping the laws of the land? Probably not, because you know that he has no relation to the laws of the land anymore. They simply have no relevance to where he lives today, in heaven. He has been "disconnected" from the law by virtue of his death. It would be absurd to insist that he is keeping the law just because he doesn't break it."

- Taken from "Grace Amazing" by Steve McVey

"An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with fear. And the angel said to them, "Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of a great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord."

I struggle with this. I was watching the movie Deck the Halls the other night and there was a scene where all the people started singing O Holy Night or something...

Anyway, I felt myself get angry because they were ordinary people. Sinners, the fundamentalists would call them. And I had to realize I'm no better than they are. Even if it was one day out of the year they acknowledged the Savior. I'm not advocating it...but I refuse to think I'm better than them. Jesus died for the sinners, not the righteous.

All people means exactly what it says.