Functional Shmunctional

Yeah Yeah...Grandy has been absent for months.  My apologies.  To those of you who message me regularly about my lack of participation here at Functional Shmunctional, I can't tell you how much it means that you care.  Please continue to stalk, and I will only get better. 

Grandy IS alive.  Grandy IS well.  Grandy IS busy...but Grandy IS COMING BACK.

For now, just to get the ball rolling, I have just one thing to share...

GO NINERS!!  First time since 1994 we are headed to the Super Bowl!! 

We have all seen spam comments, but maybe you are not all amused to see a comment that is totally irrelevant to your post.

In my last post, I got a spam comment that said, "I really like your blog. There is great research and I really think people could get a lot from your site." RESEARCH? Grandy doesn't write based on RESEARCH. Read just a couple of posts (albeit recently few and far between) and you will see that this blog is based more on comedic or emotional anecdotes, rather than research.

Yeah, that was my FIRST clue.

Then the comment proceeded to connect a link to "hot chicks gone wild", and my personal favorite "beautiful boobies".

REALLY?!?!?!?!?

You stopped me at research, and then had me ROLLING at the boobies folks.

Perhaps you work on your spam-comments-101 class, and try to be a little bit more relevant.

“Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.” - Bob Packwood

Everybody makes mistakes. Some are small and silly, like driving away from the drive-thru window before you get your food (hasn't everybody done that?). These small and silly ones are typically overlooked or laughed off. In fact, I believe many of these silly things have actually been dubbed "Grandy-isms", which I believe could be defined as the art of doing stupid things.

When a colossal mistake is made, it generally boils down to an error in judgment. The key to fixing these mistakes, or at least I hope it is key, is recognizing the error. If the definition of insanity is truly doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result, then at some point the roller coaster must stop.

Right about now, reader, you are asking yourself why Grandy is waxing philosophical all of a sudden. Well, let me tell you that Grandy has not hit her head (although it does feel like it often) so you need not be concerned about that. Just know that there are sometimes things that can't be thoroughly explored on this blog (because the witness protection program frowns upon it), and try to follow as best you can.

I have never promised my son that I was a perfect human being. In fact I'm pretty sure I blew any myth he might have had on that from the time he hit 2nd grade (ok...maybe kindergarten). What I do promise my son, and will continue to do so, is how to BE HUMAN.

Mistakes will be made but it's how you handle those mistakes, how you face them, and what you learn from them that defines who you are. No matter how bad you think your mistake is, face it. Even if it hurts, acknowledge it.

Can you tell Grandy is currently pleading with all those oblivious to their own mistakes? Alas, those that are oblivious wouldn't even know this blog post applies. HELLO!! If the shoe fits...WEAR IT!! *sigh* I would like to write a song that contradicts Carly Simon's "You're so vain. I bet you think this song is about you." It would go something like, "You're so lame. This song is absolutely about you."

When this picture came in an email, it had Grandy LAUGHING OUT LOUD!!!

But then...I realized...What am I laughing at? I'm the one that makes the blackjack dealers count my cards out loud FOR ME.

*sigh*

Maybe this Wal-Mart in Mississippi is on to something.

There were about 15 people who reached out to me this week saying, "WTF Grandy!! What's up with the blog?" (alright, perhaps that's a bit of a paraphrase)

So...in honor of all my friends who have been waiting for me to entertain, Grandy presents another rousing chapter of "Grandy-isms". The last couple of weeks have provided for some EPIC material. Remember folks, I can't use names, and must keep it vague as to WHO I may be having these conversations or email exchanges with, in order to keep my job protect the sometimes innocent.

Him: So, what happened with that? Did it slip through the cracks?
Me: Not my crack...yours.

Email exchange:
Adjuster: (received first thing in the morning) Dear Mary, as I promised you last week I will be calling you today to discuss.
Me: (sent at the end of the day) Dear "Adjuster", technically the promise was that you would call me yesterday, given that our deadline is tomorrow. How bout you just tell me in your email, what it is you don't seem to want to tell me on the phone?

Shared on FB...but good enough to repeat:
Him: How did you get so smart?
Me: I surround myself with truly gifted people who help me, or really stupid people who make me look good.
Him: Which one am I?
Me: That depends on the day.

Different "Him": ::smiling:: You were snippy with me in that email.
Me: Which one?
Him: Which email were you trying to be snippy in?
Me: No, they were all meant to be snippy. Which one finally worked?

Her: Why does your office IM status always show as "busy"?
Me: Because there was no status available for "Drowning within an inch of my life".

Different "Her": If I ask you a question, will you give me an honest answer?
Me: Will you be able to tell if it wasn't honest?
Her: I suppose not.
Me: Well there you have it. Let's play!!

There you have it folks. Another brief chapter of Grandy-isms. I really do have a lot of fun at my job. I am easily amused, and it helps get me through the day. :)

Stay tuned next week for "Grandy-isms...Back Stage Edition"

Recently Grandy had to answer some very difficult questions that will be seen by TONS of people in my "day job". We refer to the type of questions as "World Peace" questions. You know the ones I'm referring to, right? The types of questions that are asked to Miss America contestants. The kind of question that usually prompts at least one "World Peace" response.

Grandy was so proud. She limited her snarky comments to a minimum. It's for the best, really. I'll be able to share with you what this is for in another month or so, but trust me...it was TOUGH. Regretably, this recent struggle with these questions (did I mention the questions were all surrounded around Grandy?) has created a bit of a "back up", if you will, of sarcasm. I can only be uber politically correct and diplomatic for so long, before I ooze sarcasm out of my pores.

Subconsciously my mind must have been reaching out. As I was surfing the net, I found myself googling sarcastic images and comments. Suddenly, I found myself staring at an image that simply had the words:

Teehee... As I looked further, there were several others that seemed to recharge the Grandy mojo. Here are some of the better ones: “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” - Groucho Marx

The weather today is somewhat sarcastic.
Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” - Drew Carey Hehehe...

Grandy feels MUCH better now. :)

There are some movie lines that just jump into Grandy's head. Usually there's an event or thought that triggers it, but that's only in my head. It's all part of my RANDOMNESS!!

Unfortunately, I apparently need to update my material. You know, expand my movie quotes to ones that happened AFTER the 80's. Methinks that my material is making me look or sound older than I am (or want to be). Lately, I've been getting a lot of blank stares, or silence on the phone. Is it the age of my material? Perhaps some of you can tell me you know EXACTLY what movies these quotes are from, and that might make me feel better.

At work if I'm trying to get someone to send me the documents I need I will say, "I want my two dollars."

If I walk into a room and I see someone I know sitting in the corner, I can't help but say, "Nobody puts Baby in the corner."

Any time I have a cold and have trouble breathing I usually exclaim, "I can't breathe in this thing."

Grandy never just says good-bye, or farewell to someone off on an adventure. No, that would be too simple. Instead, people are sent off with, "Have fun storming the castle."

When someone's just not getting what I'm saying they usually get, "Hello...McFly!"

If I walk into a friend's house as we're getting ready to leave and it rarely fails that I say, "What's a-happenin Hot Stuff?"

Whenever something good comes my way I usually say, "It's good to be the King."

So...Is Grandy showing just her age? Or is there someone else out there that can name all the movies this crazy randomness comes from?

extra extra

While Grandy is in the midst of entertaining the idea of initiating a "professional" style blog, I should clarify that THIS is not the blog for THAT. There are about 500 posts that contradict most things of a professional nature in this blog...so why change the way I think NOW?

With that said...I stumbled across the this picture and realized it has been too long since we have shared one of these.


see more funny videos

SO WRONG...In SO MANY WAYS!!!

But admit it...when you got it...you giggled.

There are so many things about the craziness of "Black Friday" tradition that Grandy just doesn't understand.


EXHIBIT A:


How many Buzz Lightyear Dolls do you need?



EXHIBIT B:

What could the person in the BACK of this line possibly be hoping for??



EXHIBIT C:


This many people in any one place makes me anxious just to watch. I could never be there for SHOPPING!!

This year I heard people set up tents on WEDNESDAY and camped out. Seems to me they're missing out on the holiday spirit, but maybe there's something to this. They can tailgate with the other crazy people, and get to avoid the family fighting awkwardness.

At any rate, you won't find Grandy participating in any of this craziness. She brings enough craziness to the party by herself.

Grandy would like to apologize to all her NABLOPOMO folks for not fulfilling her monthly obligation to posting every day.

The writing joints are less rusty than they were two weeks ago when this mission began, but time got away from Grandy this past week.

Here's my promise...Not every day...but this blog will no longer go as long as it had gone without a post (I think it was about a month with the longest we had gone without a post).

SORRY!!

SHIT, I forgot what it was...

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYBODY!!!!

It cannot be just Grandy that finds this commercial a little...umm...ODD!!

Grandy learned a while back that there are websites out there where you can have a virtual makeover done for free. A friend and I had played with one site, while she was considering another hair style.

Tonight, Grandy had a little time on her hands and was looking like a drowned rat from the rain, so it was time to play with the makeover tool over at Cosmopolitan and see what they can do with the virtual celebrity makeovers.

Here is the picture Grandy started with:


Then she started playing.

The site allows you to pic a celebrity photo, and it digitally inserts your face into the look. I tried as best I could with the shading of the pics, but the lighting is only as good as it can be.



Can you guess whose look Grandy ripped off borrowed? Come on...Take a guess!

Here's the other look pilfered from this fun site:



On a great rainy afternoon, Grandy really could have been doing more laundry, housecleaning, working in general. But instead, while the boys watched TV all afternoon, Grandy played with herself...sorta. She played with her looks anyway.

Tell me if you can guess who the celebrities are. I bet you can't!! Not BOTH anyway.

Grandy has been working LIKE A DOG lately.

When Grandy is on a roll, there are few things that irritate her more than computer issues. Good Grief!!


Every day, for the last 2 weeks, it has taken about 30 minutes to get logged into the computer. Each time I try to log in, there is an error message with the network.


Rather than try to FIGHT the system, why can't my system just give me this message?





Ummmmmmm.....YEAH!!!

This email has made the rounds a couple times, and there's not a single time that I've seen these pics that I'm not laughing.

How fairy tales REALLY end...

SNOW WHITE



BELLE



CINDERELLA



And my favorite of all time...

THE LITTLE MERMAID

Hello everybody!!

Coming to you live, and yet remote, from the Sacramento Airport.

Yes...I know...it's been 2 weeks since Grandy has posted anything. Even longer since there's been a post of "substance". Oh well. No apologies from me (even to those friends who stalk me and remind me how much I suck for not spreading my words).

Sitting at the airport is always so much fun for me. I often sit and watch people and wonder what their story is.

Across from me, there is a 40-ish guy with a HIDEOUS Hawaiian shirt...halfway unbuttoned, with what looks like a shag carpet sticking out from his chest. My thought here is either...YOU MUST BE SINGLE...or...someone please take a Dyson to that thing!

Behind me there is a group of young ladies traveling together. They must be traveling on business because the conversation is cheerful, yet superficial. Some of the questions asked, "Are you still married?" is not something that true friends would have to ask each other. But seriously, do we ALL have to hear about all the remote locations each one got married at, and HOW WONDERFUL each one was? My guess...auditioning for the new reality series, "Housewives from the Hood".

Older couple traveling together. All I can say is C-U-T-E!! Their roles have probably not changed in 40 years together. He walks 10 feet ahead of her, with his eyes open. He spots two open seats next to each other and clears the way.

Older gentleman with the neck brace, cane, and a cast. Call me cynical....but PLEASE don't let this guy sit next to me. I do not need to hear about how it all happened. REALLY!!!

Oooohhh...this could be good readers. Imagine this with me, as I live it. Nice looking guy in a suit, visiting with beautiful blond who OBVIOUSLY wants to sit by herself. He's trying. He really is. I feel for the guy, but really want to lean over and say, "Excuse me? But she's just NOT that into you."

More adventures from the road to follow!! Too much fun to be had.

Have a good WTF everybody!!!

~~ Grandy

Really? Has it been 2 weeks since Grandy showed her face (or shall I say her urinal) on this blog? My my my... Grandy must get better at such things. She has missed you all.

Grandy has been busy sounding like a broken record lately. I thought about posting an apology, but then...blech...why bother. You get it.

As I thought about what I might say in my apology post, I was reminded that I had some great words of sorrow from the dear folks at Hallmark. It's true, that there truly is a card for everything.

Check out these beautiful sentiments...

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

Oh yeah folks...THAT is a bad day at Hallmark. However, it's things like this that give Grandy good material...and great giggles.

Happy WTF!!

Has it really been almost 2 weeks since Grandy posted a blog? WOW!!

Come on...Let me touch JUST ONE?

Aren't acronyms grand? Even in other languages the random assortment of letters, combined to represent other words, but together form their own word, are AWESOME!!!