Having two kids has been the best thing for me. At the same time, they have also reinforced the insecurities I've tried to hide. Actually, not the kids, themselves, but parenthood, pregnancy, delivery/c-section, recovery, etc.
2013 was about me learning that I am ENOUGH. Enough for whom? Myself. I am not the skin I'm in. I am a spiritual being having a human experience. I heard that at a Ted Dekker (my faaaavorite author) book tour and it just clicked. When I look at my hand in front of me, am I that hand? If so, then who is looking at it? Realizing that I am enough, no matter what anyone (including me) thinks, is a very difficult lesson. I am STILL trying to learn it. Looking back on the past 34 years, I can still tell you specific moments that someone said something to me, even in elementary and Jr. High, that still stings. There were comments made about my eyes, my height, my hair, my endless talking, how accident proned I was (am?), the spiritual enlightenment I had, and even being a preacher's kid. The words hurt and, while those individuals may never remember what they said, I still remember. It affected how I looked at future relationships. It changed how open I was to others, and some of the choices I did/not make. Should I have let them decide my decisions? No. But they did. I am human. We all are. It's just the way it is.
So, while I am constantly learning the meaning of "enough," I am on a new mission...or should I say an added mission?...for 2014. What's the word I'm working with? STRONG. Words that go with that are BOLD, and my favorite, BRAVE. I am learning that the things I have dreamed about ARE possible. I can have the life I want. I think that a lot of us feel that once we reach a certain age, dreams aren't attainable anymore. Or that you need to let go of old dreams and build new ones. While I think some of that can be true, depending on what is going on, I do not think it is set in stone.
How am I being strong, bold, and brave in 2014? Ohhhhhhh, well, LET ME TELL YOU!!
I am pushing my body to find its limit. I've lost over 40lbs since having LJ. I am now working out, eating the best I can (though I admit, last week I ate like crap--and felt like crap), and trying to focus on having more positive than negative thoughts running rampant in my mind. I am currently signed up to do a Polar Plunge for the local Special Olympics on Feb. 1st. Am I crazy? Meh, I'm just getting started.
I have signed up to run my first half marathon (I planned for one last Sept but had an injury)...in Nebraska! I will be running with a friend of mine that I met via infertility and we are both excited for our little families to meet each other :-)
And my biggest push is that I am planning to do the Nashville Tough Mudder in June! Don't know what that is? Check it out.
Now...Am I crazy? Nope.
I am STRONG.
I am BOLD.
I am BRAVE.
But that's not all!!
As of this past November, I have joined a band. It's mainly country, but we do a little rock, a little blues, and a whole lot of fun! I am the lead female vocalist, but I will be doing some keys (and maybe even some tambourine) on some of the songs. We are still working on the perfect name but we plan to be playing out within 2-3 months. I am not exaggerating when I say this is a life long dream of mine. Haven been to college for music, sung in many musicals/groups/contests/specials/etc., I really thought that I'd missed any opportunity of putting my love of music and singing into motion. But it's really happening! Who knows what will happen, but the ideas are endless. It's quite a vulnerable feeling to be putting myself out there, willing to be judged, but again...STRONG. BOLD. BRAVE. I can do this!
And if you haven't thought I've completely gone bananas, let me finish it up for you ;-)
After a lot of thoughts, prayers, conversations, budget-looking, researching, and more, my husband and I have decided to homeschool B. We will be starting kindergarten in the fall, and take each year at a time, but I believe this will be great. I have already begun looking at curriculum, joined FB groups for HS'ers, talked to other HS'ing moms (including my SIL), and even started planning for our little "school" set-up at home. We will be joining a few co-ops to offer even more opportunities for B to expand in his interests, talents, and social skills. The ideas are endless and I can not wait to get started! I have found myself slowly working away from mainstream when it comes to lifestyles for our family, and I am loving it.
I am STRONG.
I am BOLD.
I am BRAVE.
Here's to new adventures!
