Guitars and Life

Have you noticed the massive change to the blog? No?   Not surprised but I've linked it to Google+ - I doubt it'll increase interest or traffic much.  But I did pause just before clicking.  Since now if you do gaze to the bar on the right... notice the profile?  I'm no longer Furtheron I have to be Graham Hunt (who?).  Since I've been blogging about music, guitars, recording, playing, writing, listening, reading, family, life and recovery since 2006 I've been Furtheron which came from my first blog "Further on Up the Road".  Which I deleted some years back in a fit of some daftness or other. Now of course I'm also Furtheron in the Wordpress sphere and have a separate blog where I talk about life stuff.   I just thought it somehow fitted better having two blogs.  But on there I've mostly been outed to so people often comment back "so... Graham... "  etc. The only real concern is that I do hear ruffle against one of the guidin...

An Atheists Unofficial Guide to AA for Oldtimers - Vince Hawkins First the disclaimer - this book is NOT conference approved AA literature. I bought this book because.. a) it was recommended by someone who I have tremendous respect for - 19 years sobriety and one of those AA oldtimers I admire.  He is an atheist and makes no bones about it, sharing appropriately about his atheism in meetings - in an encouraging way for those still early on in the programme etc. b) it is written by someone I know in AA, he has moved away from our local groups but was about when I was new in and again someone who I have big respect for. I found this a really helpful book.  Let me put this in context - if you are entering the AA programme or have been on it a while but find all the "God" thing a worry then this is a good book to read - I'd recommend it even if you don't consider yourself an atheist but are not someone to whom regular organised religion is attractive for whatever...

There is advice given by NICE (National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence - the people who advise the NHS on the most effective treatments to be applied) that states. "...should routinely provide people who misuse drugs with information about self-help groups. These groups should normally be based on 12-step principles, for example, Narcotics Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous".   Mark Gilman who is the Strategic Recovery Lead Substance Misuse working for Public Health England states in a recent interview that this advice has "been roundly ignored". I read this with an ironic smile on my lips, indeed a small mirth-filled chuckle may have escaped them.  The irony of good advice like this being ignored by the health professionals supposedly helping people who spend a great deal of their energy in avoiding/ignoring/countermanding the advice from those around them that care, family/friends/colleagues, that they should really do something about their problem i...

Have you ever worked somewhere where the culture is long hours and "presenteeism"?  If so you may well have heard the oft said jibe, "Part-timer", at a colleague leaving either early or more likely just simply after they have worked their hours for the day. Well for me now this is actually the true case and not a jibe.  As of today I'm 0.4FTE - to use the official term at my employer.  I only work for them now for two days a week.  This is all in planning for the course I'm starting in September.  I'm firstly going to do some jobs about the house i.e. paint the back of it, put a new roof on the old kids wendy house etc.  In Sept I start the course and I also therefore want to look potentially for some voluntary work where I may be able to exploit the skills I hope to be gaining, accepting of course that I can't do proper 1 on 1 clinical work or anything like that for a long time.  So from now on I'll only be in the office Tuesday and Wednesdays ...

I was about to blog about how I've been feeling the last couple of weeks and then thought - you know what you've said this before, and indeed I have .  So one of the advantages of a blog, diary or journal is that you can look back see patterns.  Clearly I have this pattern of a bit of a "low time" after my AA birthday, it is I presume the build up to that day then is passing and of course nothing really being any different just another day sober, which is itself always a minor miracle for someone like me in all honesty. Also it has been all a bit stressed in the house with Mrs F's Mum in hospital - she is making good progress, there is talk of her moving to a rehabilitation specialist place, a friend who knows this stuff well highly recommends it, so we hope that will be good and she'll get more mobile soon.  My wife posted a ghastly picture of her knee wound on Facebook last night - I'll spare you that it was horrible! Additionally the build-up to Son...

Well I obviously am! Yes somehow unbelievably it is 9 years since I took my last alcoholic drink.  If you want a brief summary of my drinking career read My Drinking Story .  Friday 14th May 2004 - I remember it well!  I was already in the pub, well it was a Friday and it was after noon after all, when Mrs F text me about something we'd been waiting on. "Tonight we can celebrate" said the text.  Of course my stupid brain looked at that and did the usual flip and a voice, one of my voices, said "But frankly your life is still shite pal. What a loser!".   That was it I went on one of my many regular drinking binges.  (There is a whole book worth of stuff around why I did that, about my lack of self-worth, my need for external gratification and acknowledgements but coupled with an internal knowledge that they were not enough anyway.  If you can't love yourself as you are you'll never be happy even if you win the biggest lottery win in the world!) I go...

In my Monday post about my fear - which has been a lot better since then btw - I mentioned about a set of themes that come out whenever alcoholics gather together.  I should instantly caveat that with, in my experience and with my personal reflection! The themes are Never felt they fitted in Never given the manual of life Real difficulty with handling emotions Large ego with lost self esteem Preoccupation with self Most love a good cup of tea or coffee! To expand ... Never felt they fitted in In many different ways, either through being into something like "being a punk", "self employed from young age", "traveller", "dropped out" etc. etc. you find many alcoholics were always a little outside the circle - or at least felt that way.  I'll use myself as an example here with a couple of things before I even started to drink alcohol.  In 1974 I headed off to grammar school.  Now around that time, long hair, flares and platform...

Well roughly - in 2006 my Mum passed away on the 6th April.  I still miss her - I'm glad she saw me sober for the last couple of years of her life. In 2003 on April 7th I signed up to an Alcohol Concern programme - to learn "controlled drinking" - the next year was frankly a total nightmare as I fought the drink on my own, unable to realise why I could stop then start again and think I was all fine and for it to explode in a matter of days again to a point where I was way out of control again... Stop, wait, start, explode.  Around April 8th 2004 I signed up to the same thing again, but was so despondent that I gave up the next day and resigned myself to a life of utter misery having to drink.  Chapter 12 A Vision for You of Alcoholics Anonymous (aka the big book) sums it up superbly. "He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at th...

(Those regular readers with any sort of memory will know that I said "no more book reviews" but I'm breaking that rule... my blog, my rule, I can break it! LOL!  I break it for this book given the subject matter) The 12 Step Warrior is an alcoholic's autobiography.  Peter Skillen was born into a family that soon went from loving to dysfunctional to totally out of control.  This book describes his loss of innocence as a child, his witnessing his father's fall into alcoholism and his own journey into a life of violence and alcoholic drinking.  At the end of his drinking he was losing it all but with the help of an old girlfriend he got to rehab and has recovered his life.  He is one of the shining lights you meet of the AA programme at work.  I have some friends in AA like Peter, people who really went to hell and back.  I often feel a fraud next to them my rock bottom was frankly so much higher than theirs. This is a brilliantly written book that a...

2013 is living up to the 13 part of its nomenclature if you believe in the superstition that it is unlucky. I apologise for the rugby rant - I think I now know why I ranted so much, I'm angry about other stuff I have no control over and this is my anger/frustration about that coming out sideways in a place I feel comfortable ranting and safe from any effects of said rant!  That all said - I still think England have much to learn from that performance. Why am I angry?  Life is throwing a bunch of stuff in my direction at the moment - all of which I have no control over and little that I can actually do to help in any situation.  Here is the list... In January - a good friend in AA succumbed to Lung Cancer, only 47 and such a sad loss. In February - another acquaintance in AA died suddenly, probably from a blood clot. In March (so far) - a friend has had a car crash and has a suspected broken back, he is being transferred to one of the countries leadin...

Last week has been variable ... sounds like I'm giving the shipping forecast here doesn't it! Monday.  I attended the funeral of an AA friend.  A lovely, bubbly, funny, fun person sadly cut down too early in life through cancer.  The chapel was packed, with a large number of AA friends there showing just how much she was loved and how much she meant to so many of us.  The service was a non religious one, which was very nice.  At one point the lady leading it mentioned a prayer that meant a lot to Lynn and started to recite the Serenity Prayer - the adopted prayer of AA.  Without prompting the AA members present all joined in.  I had to stop before the end as I was so choked up. I don't drink.  I go to AA meetings and am involved in AA service to hopefully spread the word to those suffering alcoholism and to keep me sober.  It has just become a way of life.  Every now and then I'm really really shown how lucky and important this all is...

I got a message today I was expecting but not wanting.   A friend in AA passed away today.  She was only in her late 40s unfortunately. All I can say is she was a lady who was an inspiration to me.  When I joined AA she was relatively new around as well.  I watched her come out of her shell and she was a riot of laughter and a real pleasure to know.  She had known tragedy when she had to deal with the death of a very young grandchild a couple of years back.  Then recently she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and there was little chance of a reprieve or that she would get long.  Sadly she didn't. However an inspiration - to many out there being told your small grandchild has died or that you have terminal cancer would be an excusable reason to take a drink or two or three.  Everyone would appreciate that was not unreasonable.  In both cases my friend, a recovering alcoholic like myself, didn't.  She went through both event...

I was reading another recovery blog and was reminded of the last bit of the AA promises... "They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."   The actual promises are irrelevant really but the point is that you will get improvement in your life, if you continue to work the AA programme.  This isn't a rant about step this and that, to me everyone works the programme in a way suitable for them and I firmly believe as stated in the last step you have to embed the new learnings and way of life into all my affairs - i.e. I have to live a new life in a different way in every aspect of my life.  That is what I've spent the last 8 and a half years trying to do, at times with more success than others. But reading Bye Bye Beer 's blog earlier suddenly made me think of a couple of recent incidents, just ordinary life stuff, nothing big etc. but in which I found myself reacting in a particular way ...

Newcomers - this is a term used in AA about people new to the fellowship, the programme, sobriety etc. Over the years I've seen Newcomers come and go, some come in and either don't want to really stop or expect someone to do it for them or whatever.  One saying I heard a long time ago was - It is no good coming to AA for back problems.  The Newcomer looks at you oddly.  You know to get your wife off your back, your boss off your back, your landlord off your back etc.  Many I think just make a show of it exactly to ease those back problems.  Some do connect and put in the effort and seem to be getting it then suddenly drop out.  I remember getting a call from one guy like that who decided to stop coming as he couldn't get the courage up to share (i.e. speak) at a meeting.  I tried to tell him it didn't matter - his choice etc.  In the end I realized he needed a justification for why AA couldn't work for him.  His choice. Anyway s...

So I went along to the meeting on Friday that I'd mentioned - it is a little way from me but one I've been to over the years, it does have cross over of some membership with my Monday meeting but also new and different faces including some old ones not seen for a while. One of those is a guy who got sober same time as me, one of the class of 2004, who used to go to the same meetings as I for a while, but work, life etc. mean our paths rarely cross, probably a year since I last saw him.  He came up gave me a huge hug and big smile.  It was worth going for that alone - truly linked to these people through mutual pain and understanding and through a love and fellowship you can't describe (I've paraphrased the quote apologies). Then another old friend is now secretary there, bizarrely we drank in the same pub for years and were nodding acquaintances there.  As I got my coffee and biscuit he said "Would you mind doing the chair?".   I had to chuckle but agreed - ...

So Son-of-Furtheron is back in the land of male voice choirs etc. - i.e. back in Wales ready for new year at uni - his last!  Yes this time next year I've every confidence he will have a flying first in his undergraduate master in Physics and Space Science...  Yes he does make his old man look like a thick old numpty...  I'm so proud.   Daughter-of-Furtheron is settling into A level studies and is looking at universities that we'll be traipsing around this time next year in preparation for her to apply to.  One finishes and another joins the fray.  Mrs F is settling in with a new year group, new teacher she is working with and two guinea pigs her class has adopted! The trip back to Wales was, almost predictably, met with weather that even Noah would have said "You expect me to go out in that!".  When I fetched S-o-F back at the end of the year we just escaped as floods hit that area - this time it was worse in land and I had to slowly edge throu...

I turn 50 in just under 2 months.  But looking at the stats on the blog I have 50 followers, welcome to the 50th!  Also just gone through 50,000 page views. I read a couple of blog posts about loneliness today.  Interesting isn't it that we live in a world where we can all stay connect much better than we ever used to - we were trying to explain to the kids how my wife and I kept in touch when we were courting... er we met each other!  We did luckily have phones at home, we got one when I was about 16 I think - honestly up until then I'd have to use the pay phone over the road on the little green.  But it is interesting that I think loneliness is on the increase despite all this.  My daughter have 100s of "friends" on Facebook and Twitter - but truth is she doesn't know hardly any of them.  On here many people read and comment and I have a blog roll I visit, people I find interesting or we have a common bound, sometimes music, often recovery.  ...

I was asked at short notice to do a chair at a meeting last night.  I said yes - I've learnt that it is best for me to do these things.  Tradition 7!   What?!  Ok I talked about my view of it, I did a little research before dashing over there, like the 1986 Act AA had passed so it could refuse outside donations etc.   I talked about for me this being more than money (although that is the real emphasis) but also about service etc. Anyway - 20mins later I shut up.  There was a newcomer in the meeting - I spoke with him afterwards.  Poor man.  "How do you just stop?"   There is the dilemma of all alcoholics at this first step of the journey.  Big tough lad he was, looked like he could handle himself if you get my drift.  I asked him had he tried stopping, he had on his own via another programme all failed.  Why was he here then?   His kids, his daughters both late teens I think had said they'd disown him...

... and I'm annoyed with myself over it. Another post by a brave soul out there has prompted me to post this.  I snapped yesterday getting heated in an argument with a person at my place of work I find infuriating.  That is no excuse frankly is it.  Well I don't think so, I only have to work with the person, they really in my grand scheme of life have a tiny tiny corner of space just at this moment and that will pass and they will move on or I will and that will be that gone, not important. This person though is a black belt in obfuscation.  Ever issue grows and grows around him, he has a knack for over complication never simplification.  Yesterday I told him something that I'd understood pretty much from day one of the eight months I've been here - the next financial year is a zero based budget.  i.e. even if you have a project that is continuing you have to rebid for the money, any money not spent this year goes back into the pot to be redistributed....

I've been to a meeting this evening, my regular Wednesday night group which is a small group.  A girl who on Monday celebrated 3 months sober was there, crying, drunk and repeating over and over how she had "fucked up". My heart went out and I was nearly in tears with her too.  She said to me "I've struggled every day".  Oh my do I remember those early days of recovery - 9 months it was for me when every day I had those thoughts and that desire to drink.  Why didn't I?  Frankly at times I don't know, fear, totally mad stubbornness, great support from those I was talking to in AA, making myself share, going to loads of meetings, telling people all my movements so I couldn't escape etc.  but I still know often in those months drinking would have been frankly so much easier in that instant to quell the pain I felt inside. I can be ungrateful, full of self-pity still these days, self-reliant to a point of craziness but drink doesn't these day...