Keling Killahs

We've come across tons of Yindian spoofs across time. Doesn't it just bring about a chuckle when one tries to rap in an authentic Yindian accent coupled with throwing vadais, sambars, bajjis and payasam in the mix of the lyrics. Here's another group spoofing Snoop Doggy Dogg. Representing good ole Melbourne.

By the way, are you munching on something? Remember to eat it when it's hot.

snoop doggy dogg, drop it like it's hot, spoof, indian
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Firstly, watch the video of the crowning of the KLKween, HERE.


Indra. That's the name you would have heard upon the announcement of the winner. As an old army inche once said to one of us: "No two ways about it. Pack of balls." Now, who would have expected that this very poll that we conducted, could have actually been the sign. I could have kicked myself for not having started an illegal betting system online.There was no better way the show could have KLKicked off. Stakes were high. Mistakes were unaffordable. And winning was all that mattered. We've seen them doing their thing week in, week out. We know where who perserveers. And this is where it mattered most- The finals. Apart from the few who looked like they secretly knew that they've got through to win it, some had the word nervous written all over their faces.

It was the evening to be different. I wonder if Rafi's been reading us but, to my sheer amazement, he decided to judge the finals without his ugly shades. Whether or not it did justice to his looks but I think even the cameraman whould have stopped all the "KNN, take off those shades la" pleas. But when one door closes, another opens. Najip chose to leave behind his trademark hat. I didn't know so much hay grew on his hair. And heck, even Shamen decided to give away the vote percentages. And since it was the evening to be different, it also looked like Fazila left behind her answers.


The question for the day: "What does a woman really want?" A pretty undeviating question I'd say. Being a woman, and being asked about what you want, it's there for the taking. This is the kinda question that seperates the 'know what you're doing' from the 'doing what you know'. The kinda question that paramounts the well prepared a notch higher than the slow blooming ones.

Devi Priya: When I most expected her to virtually flip open her thirukural, scan through the pages, and nicely slip in one quote into the sentence when no one is looking, she decided to cut short the plan by saying "A woman wants happiness and fullfilment. And it's about going through hard lessons in life" Very true indeed. I don't know how far out her answer reaches but I'd say she answered with the confidence. Knowing what is expected and coming straight to the point.

Jamuna: So from being that 'blur queen' that she always was, the 'mangamma' seems to have really bloomed this time round. Though shaky at times, she has managed to pull this off quoting "All a woman really wants is to achieve her dreams and do what she wants to do" Now, I wonder if the whole of Tampines erupted when she answered. But for the night, she definitely looked like she meant business.

Indra: "A women wants to achieve whatever she wants in life. It's about having a career and being a mother as well as having a family and a piece of mind." This is the classic answer I'd have wanted to hear. All in one. Not too lengthy and straight to the damn point. One considerable thing was that most contestants came straight to the point. This is in stark contrast with previous rounds where everyone seemed to say everything else but the answer.

Yuvaneswari: "A woman wants success in whatever she does. Bring out the beauty within her. And doing something that she loves" That middle sentence sounded so Rupini's.

Revathy: "A woman wants security. She wants someone protecting her" I could do that honey. Really.

Jayanthi: "A woman needs love and to chase after her dreams" Why you early-early don't say?

Barathi: I've always liked her 'ah lian' tendencies. I've always wanted to scream something like "Fire fire burn so high - ah!" whenever she came one stage. That 'garang-ness' in her never stops. Again, she pulls off an answer quite similar to an upper cut by saying "Respected wherever she goes". Even Sorna Akka couldn't have put it more short and sharp.

Fazilla: Yes yes. I heard your "Yellarukum Vanakam" but that doesn't mean you put a full stop right there and smile for us to pick up our handphones to punch in that cursed number of yours. If you were at the finals, you'd have noted that the roof nearly erupted when her name was announced. But whether or not such an ovation made her nervous, if she could pluck the courage to say "Yellarukum Vanakam" in tamil, we'd expect you to find anything and everything else to pluck to continue with the answer. Your two words in tamil, as well as some repeated apologies and talk about life, wasn't worth our sixty cents. [Another KLKoup. After our 2 dollar outrage]

With the Q & A leaving the competition wide open like a golf course, Rafi did manage to pick up a good point. Competition definitely seemed to have improved from before. And it could be any three that could be in the top three. Especially since Fazilla slipped and everyone else seemed more than game to replace that spot with much appreciation.


Apart from the 'shake your bon bon' manuveres and the airing of clean shaved armpits by coiling like a snake vertically in the talent round, there wasn't much to salvage the votes. Revathy had her fair share of confessions to make in the pre recorded voice clip that simply voiced out the message "They said I should speak tamil, but they didn't say how much of tamil I should speak." Talk about being an oportunist. And the usual A-B-C-D's of barathi didn't have a V for votes. Instead, a V for vodka that we most likely presume would have been the main course and pretty much everything else. It jus wasn't the day for some.

Personally, I'd say Devi Priya deserved a peek at the top three position as much as Revathy did. And while everyone is pondering over why Fazila was chosen over other competitors, the answer is simple. In any pageant, no one is judged on the final day. This is not the champions league final. Any panel of judges will have a handful of their favourites. And while it all builds up to the final day, they'd have a rough idea of who they want to see in the final 3. My take on this is that whether or not Fazilla performed on the final day, absolutely didn't matter because the decision, most likely, had been made by the judges before hand. As painful as her performance was on the final day, it is not untrue to say she has consistently garnered good judge and crowd response through the weeks.

Many people are predicting that Faz will definitely get more air time in the near future than the actual Kween. We'll just have to wait and see.

So, that's that. Ended just like it started. Bang bang boom. KLKillahs indeed had a great ride on this whole wave and we feel we've shown the "power of the internet". Just look at the jabs we've got when the emcee speaks and the changes that have materialized in the general outcome of the show.

We'd like to end with food for thought though. The New Paper had an article on Miss V, here, and we quote directly:

It was a Tamil beauty pageant on a channel devoted to Indian viewers. So why were the contestants and the judges speaking more English than Tamil?

We love it when there's in-fighting within the ranks of the media. This is the main harbinger is it not? Was it an INDIAN pageant? Or was it a TAMIL pageant? Knowledge of Tamil wasn't even a criteria for auditioning for the show. We wanna hear your comments on this. Oh yeah, feel free to flood Vasantham Central's e-mail inboxes with your comments too. We say, "shoot people with water gun where got kick? Blast with water cannon better". *Grin*

We wanted to end but we won't get to sleep if we don't stir more shit and then relish our actions with some ice cold beer.

Why let the judges choose just 3 anyway? All 8 worked their arse out to get to the finals didn't they? Why should the public ONLY be confined to 3? Why not have it as fair as can be and let all 8 go at it in the SMS polls? Cos, there're favourites and non-favourites? Cos, there are some the judges and tv station would rather not be crowned as queen? Cos, there are some whom if you leave them with an open playing field they'd just cream the rest with their mates' SMSes? Cos, Yindians [the channel] are such control freaks?

We also blur.

In order to quicken the pace of generating funds for the first KLK Project, the KLKillahs has empowered Praba to get down into the heartlands to spread the cheer and pocket the dough. It was no surprise that in a nation where you can't have a decent meal without getting fined for smoking beyond the yellow box and without being accosted by 2 for $20 salesmen that he faced some annoyances at the doorsteps he turned up at.
Read on:

Today, I state rules.

Rules that you really should abide by when you see praba at your doorstep. You'd have probably known by now that I am selling vinaayagar plates for charity. So apart from trying to sell them online, I also do door to door visits to try and sell the plates. Sad to say, I come across the most strangest people living in singapore while working. Some of the questions that they pose, I'd say is worth a slap. I've done this door to door bullshit far too many times and I am not in any way impressed with the replies/reactions I get. What's wrong with the KLKommunity these days?

Rule 1: Do NOT open the door, put your finger in your lips, and gimme a strange look like I killed your family. If your grandmother has eyesight problems, attach binoculars to her. Or else, blindfold her and keep her tied in your storeroom.

Rule 2: Please stop yelling to your husband/boyfriend/fling "There's an indian boy here!" Crazy women, why the hell you shouting for? What am I? A terrorist? You just say someone is here. Stop adding the words "indian boy" to remind me that I fall under the minority and you think i'm more prone to do some "block shopping" then to sell you

Rule 3: If I tell you the name of the charitable organization, and it sounds very indian, do not ask me "Is that an indian thing?" Does ramakrishnan mission sound any chinese or malay to you? Where're you from? Zimbabwe?

Rule 4: If you don't wanna buy, say so. I've got many places to go to. Stop asking me if the plate was painted in thailand by a transsexual or whether it was transported by a bullock cart to singapore or have we paid our taxes. Ask me questions ONLY IF it affects the factors of you buying it. You mean to say you'd only buy the plates if they were coloured by crayons? You wouldn't like it if I were to ask you what sized undergarments your daughter wears to find out how old she is would you?

Rule 5: Stop asking me questions outta the blue. I am not there to make friends with you and add you up on MSN. I have a job to do. I don't care if you squat and shit on your plant to fertilize it or whether you recycle your toilet water to fertilize it. Your soil is not my toil. I is least bothered. So the next time, don't ask me what is the best fertilizer to use. When in doubt, pour some kerosene and set your rose plant ablaze. It looks worse than your wife anyway.

Rule 6: Peepholes. If I were to knock on your door, please open the door to listen to me. Do not check me out from the peephole for the next thirty minutes all the way till I walk off. The next time round, if you're looking through a peephole and you see something dark, RUN! That's the barrel of ma brand new M16. You can get anything these days at Sungei Road didn't you know?

Rule 7: Keep away from me that maid of yours. Especially if she only knows how to say the words "I dunno". I will slap the shit outta her back to where she hailed from. And even if your maid happens to be indian, try and stop her indian slangs. I will snap a shot for the next KLK Profile issue. And so, I do not wish to hear the words "Yaaro Vanthiruka-her" I am not a 'her'! I is a 'him'.

Rule 8: When I am talking, you do not answer me together with your entire family. One at a time please. I know my ears are big. But they're not that big till your family can play 'kabadi' inside. But the interesting thing here is, when they all speak that bloody fast and they all do it so synchronized like as if they do it to everyone, it sounds like a song! Try it with a friend when you're free.

Rule 9: I am 20 donkey years old. Stop asking your 7 year old kid, who gives me that gay smile, to converse with me while your wife lies like a hippo in front of the TV and you're lying on her beer belly. What the fuck did she swallow? A microwave oven? And was it the sound of Sun TV that I heard playing in the background while your son was giving me a gay smile? I'll set your house on fire. [What did Starhub give you Channel 28 for, everyone, kin, dial 1633, order it!]

Rule 10: When someone knocks on your door, be it your friend/enemy/loanshark, attend to them neatly. If your hair is long enough to sweep the floor while walking and they're curlier than curly fries, tie it up. Unless of course you're just getting ready for the "Kurukkeh Vantha Theivam" remix music video auditions.

Rule 11: How in the world do you sneak in a panda bear to your house? Oh, you mean to say that was a dog? Bloody keep it refrigerated in the fridge jackass. I do not wanna be intimidated when I am talking. But, of course, if that was a cheat code to chase me away, kudos!

So let me just end it off here. I was reading the newpaper today bout this woman who splashes urine on her neighbour's doors. That made me come up with a KLKonclusion.

I carry along with me, a paper where the donor's name is taken down to say a "Thank You" on behalf of the rest of us and to keep them updated on the Project. But from tomorrow onwards, when I am hitting the blocks, I am gonna carry along an extra piece of paper with the heading "Addresses of people whose door I should splash some 'holy water' at".

P.S. We know you love to tag. Tag all you want. If you aren't out of your own internal identity crisis and seemingly forgot your name, go with Anonymous. It's ok. But please, don't utilize our name to tag elsewhere. Please stay clear of any of our own nicks or the moniker "KLK" when tagging across the blogosphere. We figure it's all about professional courtesy.

The Volunteers

Deepavali is coming. Aware aren't you? Now we have a reason to club with an excuse and an excuse to reason why we club. The time to get piss drunk carefree only to wake up and say "I will never drink this shit again next Deepavali". Times where dramas unfold, family ties strengthen and friends are what it's all about. The sweet smell of festive season. I am loving it. More importantly for me, this is the last Deepavali I will get to spend as a kid before I go in for my two years imprisonment. Army that is.

If you're planning to invite me over, tell me in advance so that I won't have to play the role of 'Avvai Shanmughi' for a different reason. All so that I will keep that specific time slot free. And yea, inviting me weeks before hand alone doesn't do the trick. You've gotta consistently keep reminding me. Am getting old, get it? And just before you think of inviting me, bear in mind it takes more than what you think to bring praba home. See, there are certain traditional values you need to upkeep to lure me into your homes. I carry along years of experience visiting houses on deepavali. I will not step into a trap no more. So, here are the rules:

1) You do NOT stay in yishun. Not even within 5km radius of yishun. No kharthib, no sembawang, no admiralty, no chong pang, no ping pong and no sing song. Clear?

2) You've gotta have a hot sister. I don't wanna see your overfed buffalo of a brother staring at my food when I am eating. And make sure it's her, and only her, who attends to all my needs in my short period of stay. If you're sister ain't hot, do something about it. No sister at all? Rent one.

3) Do NOT invite someone, who thrash-talks and laughs at his own jokes while his briyani spills grain by grain onto my cup of soft drink, at the same time as me. My deepavali resolution for this year is to carry along a parang to every house I visit. Ensure you don't see red liquid spilling on your floor tiles.

4) Keep all dogs/cats/zebras/giraffes/antelopes AWAY from me. I do not wish to encounter a situation whereby your dog starts humping/biting/scratching or licking my ass. Last year's deepavali resolution was to carry a shotgun so as to shoot anything, with less than 5 senses, molesting me. So if your pet is that much loved, keep it in your bank locker for a day.

5) Do NOT invite people, who cannot hold their alcohol/beer/ginger beer/root beer/wine or jolly shandy, at the same time as me. I have low tolerance for people who vomit within 5om radius of me. Deepavali 2004 - I was made to carry a trash bag for uncles who turned into merlions. Only difference was that they emitted out vomit. This year the only bag I'll carry is a bomb bag. Beware.

6) Please make sure your parents are conservative. On days like this, I like it old school. No one likes modern parents who think inviting someone over offering them food and stopping right there is the 'in' thing. Where's the bundle of joy wrapped in green paper? Trust me, I'll see red if I don't see green. (Just in case you're lost, green paper is the green packet or like the chinese say 'hung pao')

7) Make sure your parents are conservative but not that conservative. See, we live in a modern world where prices are rising. No longer do 2 dollar notes do the trick. A pack of marlboro reds costs $11.50 you know? So please ensure I see something red in the green rather than something green/purple or even worse, gold, in the green. You got the message?

8) I is a die hard Pineapple Tart lover. Or illustriously known as 'Kuih Tart'. Make sure I see ample of em'. And while I am busily munching on the tarts, keep miles away from me that 3/4/5/6 year old brother/sister/cousin, who gives me that "I didn't get to eat the pineapple tart you know?" kinda look.

All's said and done. I've seen it all on festive seasons. Scenarios ranging from "oh my lord" to "OH MY LORD!" So do me a favour. Gimme a splendid deepavali this year. This year, I is extending the invitation to all who wanna come over to my place. Whether or not I know you or you know me, who cares. Just come over, feast your stomach and enjoy while I'm still nice. Friends/relatives/strangers/enemies/dogs/cats/kittens all are welcomed. Do not be hesitant. And just in case you do not know how to get to me, prabadiouf@hotmail.com is the answer. And just so that you know, my parents are extremely modern in this. Let's see if you've got the message right. And to all reading this, as quickly as I can before my memory fails me again, have a splendid Deepavali when it comes around.

Editor:

As part of KLKillahs efforts to bring to you the best of the local scene. We also have come across some products, that might be of great interest. If you are in the habit of gift-giving or would just like to spice up your home this festive season with some tasteful deco, proceed to access our Deepavali Deco Bazaar.

Profits from the sale of these decorative items will be used to fund a charity project that the KLKillahs will inform you of in the weeks to come.

1^st Round: You call this the modeling round? I saw an elephant in black and black with a gold belt that was sitting on her tummy rather than her hips. Oh wait, you mean that was her hip that the belt was sitting on? You're supposed to be elegantly dressed sweetheart, not elephantly dressed. Some came in jeans and a top. Are you outta your damn mind? This is not raagawoods my dear, it's a beauty pageant.

Now, this, is the bangra night women. And if you watched the show, you'd have seen how she ran her mouth realising that she was out of the pageant. How sweet she was indeed.



Who the fuck did her hair? Doesn't she look like the grand daughter of the famous man below?

Just to benefit those who're wondering, this is Einstein.

3^rd Round: Chit chat round? Is that how you name one of the rounds of a beauty pageant? You dare talk about the contestants not showing severity? Where did all that seriousness go when you named this round? And the questions asked match the name of the round. I see a lack of intelligence in the questions asked. Ask something more intelligent la. And cut that fake slangs off ya. We all know how you sound when you talk at home. So do us a favour, be more comprehensible. Whether your slangs are canadian or not, you sure do sound like a comedian.

I think that it's rather important that contestants know that winning this pagent means that they're gonna become an ambassador. So it's relatively important to put up something smarter in the talent contest. Making health drinks or dancing or making a dog outta a balloon only shows how much you lack creativity. Like that I can get my aunty from tekka to showcase her 'ondeh ondeh' making skills mah.


If ya'll know the contestant barathi (above), please tell her that she made me blush. She sounded more chinese than I can. And please be corrected on one thing my dear, it's alcohol and not echo-hol. And even your "I wanna speak good ingrish but I cannot help it lor coz I live in sin chia po" slang sounds worse than the aunty who sells hokkein mee with extra chilli near my place. Bear in mind, this is Miss Vasantham. Not miss Chennai.

Editor's Note: Part 2 as promised. He has outdone his first effort I feel. Good job long haired, pierced eyebrowed, tattooed boy. A fine Killah you have evolved into.

Disclaimer: Sun TV broadcasters who're playing "Comedy Time" with us, run for your lives when you see Indian kids who're emotionally repulsed by the "Thiruppu Munai" they've got to put up with at home. When you see us running towards you, pray to "Velan", put some "Kungumam" on your forehead and hide behind "Sithi".

Coz we're gonna end your "Aanantham" jus like how ya'll ended our "Nimmathi". No one can save you. Not even "Raja Rajeshwari". We'll see how much of an "Kondattam" it is when you losers get your baniyans and jattigals torn. We'll bash you coconut plantation endangerers and send you up to "Swargam". Your faces will appear with "Malargal" live on tv in primetime "Vanakkam Thamizhagam". It's gonna be "Super Scenes" for all indian teenagers. You want a sneek "Thirai Vimarsanam" on how bad it's gonna be?

It's gonna be so devastating that "Alahya" will see an end to her "Aadalum Paadalum" and "Selvi" will be too shocked to ask you if you're "Nalamthana". And when you muthafuckaz die such horrific deaths, the only sound you will hear is my mum's all time favourite "Metti Oli". So disheartened teenagers, fret not. The leader is here. Coz very soon, it will be "Namma Neram". One day we'll all be sitting our asses down on "Arattai Arangam" and laughing our asses off on how dumb the Sun TV is.

And for the non-indian friends who're reading this with question marks all over your head, dun ask me what I'm talking about. Because "Athu Mattum Rahasiyam". So if ya'll wanna read on or stop here, it's all "Ungal Choice". And for the rest, let's all chill and "Sirikkalam Vanga". Sun TV, boo ya!

Ever noticed that sun TV advertisements are not as long as before? Praba tunes in to Sun TV anxiously to watch the advertisements to start bitchin' but only to be bitterly disappointed. They spoiled my damn fun. Rascals! But previously, that wasn't the case. On a 20 hour scaled TV schedule, seemed to me as if 13 hours were allocated to the advertisements and only remaining 7 hours went for the show. Though I feel advertisements are better worth watching compared to the usual sorrow filled dramas catered to lure the weak hearted women, I realized that my mum is paying to actually watch something that she doesn't give two peanuts about. And being the Indians that they are, their shows sometimes start as late as how their trains leave their stations. Indian timing as we all know it. And speaking of timing, it rings a bell.

Noticed that timings haf been changed for shows? Wondering why? Coz the dedicated housewives in Singapore have all joined forces to sit down and cry at timings most comfortable. I, of all people, was most grateful to this piece of delightful news. Thing is, my mum's favourite shows are at a comfortable timing for her. She comes back after work, switches on the set up box, and as smoothly synchronized as it can ever get, I hear the theme music playing. Which I've gotta add sounds no better than my alarm clock. So a change of timing means that my mum no longer gets to see shows that she most awaits. Chances are, she'd probably have missed the show by the time she comes in. But little did I know that I was so wrong.

My mum's definition of favourite show is very practical. She makes, whatever she catches in time when she comes back home after work, her favourite show. So in simple terms, it basically means I'm still fucked for life. Come to think of it, my mum is so smart that I think she deserves to be cast in the Mentos advertisements. You've got me dumbfounded mum. You is smart la. You is smart. Every decision made by my mum has the influence of Sun TV in it.

Having a wedding ceremony at any time interrupting my mum's newly formed schedule will only mean that she will not turn up. I can anticipate my wedding to be taking place at wee hours in the morning coz that's the only time my mum decides that the television needs a rest. On a non-working day, my mum switches on the television the minute she wakes up. She watches sun TV whilst eating, bathing, ironing, washing, sleeping and shitting. I am quite surprised that I wasn't named Prabakaran s/o Sun TV or my brother being named Harikaran s/o Thanga Vettai. I wouldn't be surprised if I had a son and he was named Velan.

Advertisements are never let alone. My mum watches every single shit they advertise. I came back after school one day and guess wat I saw. Lion dates on the dining table. Milka B biscuits in my kitchen drawer. And just when I eventually decided that a drink will be good enough and opened the fridge, I saw Fanta! What is this world coming to?

But Sun TV does play a significant role in my life at times. When my mum watches a serial, she'd be so engrossed that I can bravely pull out my polytechnic's warning letters and say "Ma, another warning letter from my school" and I can expect to hear the word "Ok" most of the time. Or else, a slight "ssh" to brush off any distraction. And when she is not looking, I nicely slip it through the window to destroy all evidence. There it goes. Case closed. And just when I thought that only my mum was paranoid, my aunty brushes my mum off the paranoid list with ease. Talking to a cousin made me realise that there are many people like my mum out there. (But slightly more paranoid than my mother)

Gone are the days when the visiting of relatives would mean joy. As age catches up, they become less ingenious. Gone are the days when they brought home snacks and chocolates for me to munch on. I recall a time when a relative of mine came over to catch up on old times with my mother. We all know Indians are not the best of people whom we can strike an interesting conversation with. And how do my relatives overcome the disability? They simply start chatting about sun tv and how well the actors can cry.

Exchange done on knowledge of the actor's personal background only relieves my point on how free housewives have become. Being the young adult that I am, I am hardly impressed when they strike conversations about sun tv. I despise anything to do with low intelligence. The worse thing here is when they start asking you if you watched the latest serial that they've missed. My aunt once asked me about sun tv and I gave her the "You dare ask me that again?" look to avoid the bitter scenario.

So a word of wisdom here. If you can't do things the right way, do it the bright way--CHEAT.
Like I always tell my friends, if I am going down, I'm bringing everyone with me. So likewise, if I ain't getting the TV for myself, no one else is. So here we go, below are possible ways how to end the sun tv woes.

1) On your set-up box, there is a button called PC/PM. Or simply known as a parental lock. Nicely create a code and lock sun TV. When parents try to switch to channel 29 but face difficulties, look innocently and pretend to be unsure. Giving them the "Oh, is something wrong
with our set up box?" look.

2) Sounds are essential when watching sun TV dramas. Open up your television set, bash the sense out of the sound transmitter, and nicely slip back the television cover. No one in the right state of mind will want to watch the serials without sounds. Even if they still do, like I suspect my mum would, who cares? It's the sound that gets on our nerves anyways.

3) Call 1633 to disconnect sun TV. The customer care consultants are all anxiously awaiting phone calls. So please do them a favour. Make someone's day. Call them and terminate the channel. When parents come back home, pretend to have the worst possible sore throat in town
so that no fingers will be pointed at you when they find out someone called to terminate the channel.

4) Pull out the atrocious 2 and 9 buttons from the set-up box and remote control and make scratches on the set-up box and remote control. When parents step in after work, pretend to stare angrily at your neighbour's dog while looking towards the scv set-up box and remote
control.

5) Disconnect the set-up box and throw it nicely into that container the chinese burn joss paper in. When parents comes back home, pretend to have been bedridden the whole day making it seem impossible that you could have been the culprit.

6) Hide all your SCV bills and late payment reminders. After maybe 2 months of not receiving any cash, they'd automatically disconnect SCV. And trust me, parents aren't eager to see bills. So it won't occur to them that the bills have been missing. And if they reconnect sun tv again, repeat idea number 6.

7) Advice your parents on how much your school emphasizes on helping the needy and donate the television to the old folks home. Honestly, people there put it to better use.

8) Bash the muthfucka television!

9) The last resort. If all of the above fails, just grit your teeth and watch the damn thing with them. Like how I always put it, "If you can't beat them, join them"

I rest my case. Sun TV causes no sunshine in my life. They call it sun tho-lai-ca-chi. I call it sun thol-lai-ca-chi. I've made my mark.

[Editor: Does anyone know any good media person who can make this piece famous? It's fuckin worth it I say. ]

The brand new member of the Squad. Praba slices through the murky depths of sub-continental TV. Wicked rhymes, wicked minds.

Switch on my scv set up box and I am guaranteed 2929.29% that the channel will be in 29. I dun understand what's got my mum so indulged in sun tv. For a 30 minute serial, there's a 20 minute advertisement. I wonder where they get so much of things to advertise about. Whatever you can think of, they have. Sometimes I wonder if they advertise what they make or if they make what they advertise. Remaining 10 minutes for the drama. 3 mins for names of producers, their father's name, brother's name, sister's name, sister's ex-husband's landlord's name and etc. while playing some totally out of this earth, ying meets yang with a bang music.

And when they finally get on with it, you'd probably see 5 minutes being wasted for the actor removing his shoes, socks, pants, shirt and not forgetting the traditional blue and white boxers or how the Indians say it "lungigals". Another 3 minutes is wasted when the actor makes a special turn with sound effects.

That is a must in the Indian movie industry. In India, no sound equals to no sales. The number of times he turns his head to face the camera, well done mate. I'd probably sprain my neck if I did that that many times. So you'd get 2 mins of thrash talking in that whole 30 minutes of shit. And in that 2 minute, my mum sheds so much tears that I can water my plants.

My mum often forgets that she's in Singapore. Whether or not she watches local news to find out about daily happenings, she'd definitely know if that giraffe from the zoo in that small village in Bombay has given birth to a baby boy or gal. Whether or not Karunanithi changed his glasses from that trademark thick black frames to frameless Oakley glasses or even contact lens. She'd probably know the colour too. And my mum knows so much about Indian political news that she'll put any Indian journalist to shame. Don't pray pray hor!

We all know Indians are great liars but to play a movie 100 times a year and repeatedly say "For the first time in Indian television history" is a bit too much. Who the fuck are you tryin to kid?????? Don't think you can nicely display your mama drama tricks in the "cycle gap"

They say that Indians exaggerate a lot. If you watch sun tv, point is well proven. They haf a 1000 episodes. Let me give you an example. One man pulls out a gun to fire. Another pulls out a gun to fire back. And jus when you hear a gunshot, without having a clue as to who got shot and the camera is only focusing on the bullet that's traveling at the speed of a millipede having menses, they wrap up the show. And that's it. Show ends. End of episode one.

All this stretched over 255 episodes before they finally reveal the injured man's face. And don't you dare think all is over. We still haf yet to see the family crying in the hospital. Based on the actor's capability, it could be stretched till episode 999 before death befalls him on the 1000th episode and that's it. Case closed. Amen. Good night.

They say Indians are emotional people. My mum is a living example. Sun tv bastards are smart. They confuse the fuck outta you till the next episode is telecast. Why? So that you will watch the next episode and get even more confused for the following one. When someone dies in a serial, it can make my mum so sad that she will call me when I am chatting in msn to tell me what had happened. She probably knows it goes in one ear and comes out the same ear but she still does.

And yea, crying is a must in every serial. Whether you choose to cry whacking your chest or head, it's all up to your ability. The more capable ones will do the moonwalk lying down. My mum will make a hundred meter dash from work to reach home in time to watch them all cry as a family. And the best part is, my mum joins them. Neva will I ever ask my mum for anything when she's watching teary scenes. It will silently mean no food and no money.

Editor's note: If you liked him, show him you love him. Cheers!