My Vegas

Just wanted to post a little note before I go in tomorrow for the first RE consult. DH and I are drinking a glass of wine (only one!) and hoping to chill this evening. I am a bit freaked/scared about tomorrow for several reasons. One is that this is such a small city, and I wonder who I will run in to at the fertility clinic. Another is that I have this appointment right before I have to teach, so I fear the waterworks will be turned on full blast and I will end up looking like a sad weepy woman to all my students. bleh! Mostly I am scared of the unknown. What will the RE tell us? My fear about the last one is pretty much one of my ticks/faults. I don't do well with the not-knowing--presents, surprises, jumping off the deep end in a pool. I am scared, too, that the truth might hurt more than I can imagine. I am scared that the RE will say there is little to no chance of conception. Tonight-- it is just the unknown that frightens me.

And I mean that sincerely. This month's cycle has been, well, what cycle? I am not obsessing/stressing about what day it is, what my CM looks like, if I am eating the fertility-friendly foods. I just am, and I am really digging it. I've had more fun this past week than I have in the longest time. I managed to get in a nice Sunday brunch with friends, champagne, and more champagne, I drank with DH several times this past week, mostly just the casual glass of wine or two. Mostly I feel lighter and more free than I have in a long time.

In addition, I managed to come out to two people, one friend of about 3 years, one of about 20, and both offered up their uterus to me and DH. I am pretty sure that they just said that to comfort me, but I love that they love me so much, they are willing to say anything or offer any sort of condolence. I have beautiful and wonderful friends. IF or not, I am pretty darn lucky. I can now actually talk about my diagnosis without weeping, so progress, I say.

On a lighter note, we have our RE consulting appointment next week. All of our records are in the process of being faxed or shipped, so we are all set. DH and I have also began the discussion of adoption/fostering. This whole process is so much more expensive than I had even realized; I am lost as to how the fees can add up. More research is definitely needed on this front.

Progress, I say.

Today...this morning was a blow-up of huge proportions. My DH and I are like that when it comes to IF related stuff. He never wants to talk about it, or rather, I get the urge to talk and he tends to either 1. listen well (rare) or 2. make some sort of grunt or gesture that says "I am not interested right now." For him, he has this mechanism of only handling X amount of stuff in his mind at one time, and lately, there have been a lot of other things we are dealing with along with IF stuff, such as selling our house, looking for another. He's also a very busy person at his job, and I know the stress of it gets to him.

So, this morning we got some disappointing news about a house we had bid on and were working to short sale it. The deal fell through, and we've had this in the works for months on top of the years we have been taking care of the property due to a negligent homeowner. Boo and hiss. Upon hearing this news, he and I acted disappointed, spoke about a few things, and then I kinda went off. Here's why:

He acted more upset about losing the bid on the house than he ever had dealing with the IF issue. And something inside of me clicked...I mean shut on!!! WTF? I ranted to him about how we keep having disappointments monthly...MONTHLY! I mean, can I get something emotional from him about this? My IF is our life, and most of the time I feel like my IF is only my IF, my problem. His defense was that he thought we were just going to chill out for awhile on the IF issue since we were thinking of buying the new house, etc. WTF? I don't ever remember that conversation.

Most of this craziness is coming from my anticipated visit to the OB on Friday. I think this is the final conversation she and I are going to have concerning my reproductive future. We are finally going to discuss the HSG results and the possible use of Cl.omid. As far as any further IF treatment, I'll need to see an RE which will definately not be covered under my insurance. So many uncertainties, and I am just built to take all of what life throws at me and ingest. Sometimes I wish I could be like DH and tuck some of life's issues away.