Never that Easy

Sometimes looking at the updated feed from my Facebook page is so cringe inducing that I can barely stand it.  Occupy Boston was a large 'offender' today - since they were holding up traffic and making people late for their football games and date nights, and God forbid some of the people on my friends list can't get their drinks immediately following the end of their work day.  I really only have two or three highly offensive friends - people whose politics and world views are so far afield from my own that I have trouble remembering why or how I ever liked them in the first place. The worst offender, by far, is my older brother's childhood best friend, who, previous to Facebook, I was not aware was a right-wing, "anti-PC" (meaning totally pro-any ism you can think of) windbag.  I only follow him so I can see pictures of his adorable children, although even that makes me think: "oh crap, those kids are going to be haters, later."  I even have a cousin who is on Facebook, and I am friends with his wife, but... I know that if I ever want to be able to speak to him in person again, it's better for both of us that we're not FB friends. 

Those two or three fanatically off the deep end friends though, they have friends, and usually, those people's comments are even worse, and I have to just deep breathe and press the little x.  Spraying the Occupy Boston crowd with bullets was suggested, as was that they all get jobs and stop wasting tax payers' money, and my favorite was the suggestion that it was "just an excuse so that the rapists and pedophiles can hang out and rape people and kids."  Yeah: I don't understand how I live in this country, and that there are people who think that protesters, who have specific (and, in my opinion legitimate) complaints about the way our country is run are the same as pedophiles or rapists.  Or that we should just line them up and execute them as a way of "thinning out the herd". 

Seriously? 

Do not comprehend.

Let's take a pretty realistic example: I do not (as previously discussed) find much/any value in the Tea Party movement.  I think it's run by corporations looking to avoid paying taxes or acting as responsible members of our society, and that most of the people (not all, but the majority) are not just ill intentioned, but ill informed.  That's my opinion, and I have a right to it.  When they were here protesting, which they've done numerous times, I have rolled my eyes at their comments, signs or behavior; laughed out loud, sometimes at the complete ignorance when it comes to the issues; and done my best to ignore their existence.  That's what you do - you complain on Facebook about the inconvenience of the rallies, or the lack of spell-check on the signs, or their unapologetic hypocrisy or display of privilege ("there's no such thing as racism anymore," I remember hearing that come out of some (obv. white) Tea Partier on the news a while back).  It's ridiculous, literally: worthy of ridicule, and so I feel free to ridicule away.

But I've never said - or thought, even - let's "mow them down, while they're all in one spot".  Or that, for sure, the Tea Party was just a cover for NAMBLA.  It's just not something that occurs to me, to be honest - the reality of the situation is bad enough, so why think of ways it could be worse.  I get being opposed to what a group of people are doing, and saying so, vociferously, wherever possible.  But when I see all of the vitriol directed at the protesters that many consider too liberal, I wonder a couple of things -

A) When did so many of my friends become friends with douchebags? 

B) Isn't it amazing that other people are so against a group that has done nothing besides say "Hey: we think this is broken?"  They have done nothing - which is part of the reason I am not 100% behind the movement, I feel like there needs to be some actions involved - and yet they are mistreated by the police, falsely portrayed by the press, largely forgotten by the public, and that's just accepted

and, sadly

C) Remember how naive I used to be about our society, and how we were all working toward a common goal?  That we had unalienable rights (not saying that being an asshat on Facebook is a violation of those rights, just that it reminds me of all the violations that nobody else seems to care about)?  That people weren't just mean for the sake of being mean?  Yeah... let's be 9 again, shall we?  I think I need a refresher course. 

Anyways, that long rant about Facebook and cretins, and of course the solution is very simple.  And topical, as it turns out, because today just happens to be National Unfriend Day, which I swear I didn't even know until I just heard this song on another blog (Synergy!)  So it's time to clear out some of the unwanted friend clutter, if you've got some.  Scumbag former acquaintances, who will never even notice that I'm not your friend anymore?  Adios. 

Lovely readers of my unusually curse-heavy today blog?  Please to enjoy this song, in honor of National Unfriend Day

I know I just talked about how much my internet was bothering me, you know, yesterday, but I've got another internet related complaint that I want to talk about today: The loss of Google Reader's like and share functions.  I didn't use the Share in Reader option too often, only for things I was exceptionally excited/depressed about, but I miss it just the same.  Mostly because I could follow other people, and their shares were usually amazing and awesome.  And I miss the ability to like things, because I could just press L when I liked something, and my reader would remember it for later, and I had all these requirements for starring something vs. liking it, and Google has messed all that shit up, because now I have to "S" all the things, and that's just not right. (Whatever: doesn't everybody sort their feeds into a million categories?)  

Google tells the detractors to the new Reader that there's a +1 button, and that it's almost exactly the same as share and/or like, but there's one big difference: In order to +1, I have to register for Google Buzz.  In order to register with Google Buzz (in my experience, and what I've been reading about other's on the web), you have to forgo any shot at internet anonymity.  In other words, I have to use my real name.  My Google Reader was just initials, and I was able to share stuff with two separate groups of people: People who knew me IRL and knew my initials, and I told them how to find my reader OR people who knew my G-Mail through this website and found me that way.  So I could share things with people, without sharing ME with people.

So I'm stuck with not sharing, and not liking, and so I came here to tell you that I don't like the un-liking and un-sharing.  It's stupid.  But, because this is my blog and I can put anything I want here, here are some things I would have liked or shared, over the past little while. 

This AMA Reddit thread, where my favorite astrophysicist, Neil deGrasse Tyson answers questions  (Which, technically did not come through my Reader, but my Reddit & Twitter accounts, but still: Is too much awesome not to share.)  Example of said awesome?  When asked about things that blow his mind:

2) That Quarks come only in pairs: If you try to separate two of them, the energy you sink into the system to accomplish this feat is exactly the energy to spontaneously create two more quarks – one to partner with each of those you pulled apart.  

How cool is that?  And how cool is it that I know that now, something about quarks?  I won't forget it either, which is why I heart Neil deGrasse Tyson: He makes science relevant and interesting.


 This post by the Smart Bitches, where they're asking for recommendations for books whose main characters have disabilities.  Because I am constantly reading these kinds of books, and want MOAR, and because the Bitchery manages not to drag out a lot of tropes that I can't stand (Magical Cures: No, Thank You), or, for the most part, calls out the tropes when they see them... Exception to this rule - some people there have recommended books by Catherine Anderson, because the heroines have disabilities.  While that is the truth, they are just... not good.  I refer you this recent Goodreads thread,  but also, just to common sense: the only thing these books are about is that the character is disabled.  So that's all the author has to talk about as far as those characters go.  She is "Girl in Wheelchair", "Blind Girl", "Deaf Girl" (and always girl, never woman); it is the sum total of her characterization, and the result is some horrible stuff.  Anyways, aside from that, a lot of good recommendations (I've read some, added some to my TBR, and will go back to mine it again.)  I can post some of the best, or links to my Goodreads reviews of them, if anybody's interested in some of the better ones. 

(And that last item reminds me that I haven't talked about the return of Barbara Gordon as Batgirl.  Which I am definitely going to do, as soon as I read the first three issues of Batgirl, to see how I feel her return is being portrayed.  But I can say, even though I haven't read them yet, that I already miss Oracle.  And what she meant to a lot of readers with disabilities, and specifically me.) 

And speaking of comic books, there's this article, regarding what one writer sees as the hypocritically sexist 'neighborhood' of superheroines.  She makes some points that I think are valid:

Most of all, what I keep coming back to is that superhero comics are nothing if not aspirational. They are full of heroes that inspire us to be better, to think more things are possible, to imagine a world where we can become something amazing. But this is what comics like this tell me about myself, as a lady: They tell me that I can be beautiful and powerful, but only if I wear as few clothes as possible. They tell me that I can have exciting adventures, as long as I have enormous breasts that I constantly contort to display to the people around me. They tell me I can be sexually adventurous and pursue my physical desires, as long as I do it in ways that feel inauthentic and contrived to appeal to men and kind of creep me out. When I look at these images, that is what I hear, and I don't think I even realized how much until this week.

 and others I can't comment on because I'm not an avid comic book reader, but it was definitely something to think about.  Comments not recommended, by the way: horrid. 


 This quote  

Those are the best things about having kids, is just those everyday, really funny, weird moments that you could never predict, that completely change your mood and, you know, open up your heart.

  and this photoset of Amy Poehler, that sums up exactly why I want to have a family. Why you'd put up with the colic and the clutter and the "oh my sweet jesus, why are you not wearing clothes-we have to leave right now and you are suddenly naked for no reason" and the "holy god you are only eleven years old, you do not get to pretend you know everything already" moments, just for a "My pleasure" every now and then.

On a more serious note, there's this HuffPo piece by Eve Ensler, which sums up pretty much everything I feel about rape and rape culture.  I'm over it, too. And neither of us is alone: here's Amalah's post about Penn State (her alma mater); and how over it she is as well. 

And two webcomics to round things out.  First up, from  Cowbirds in love :

Cowbirds in Love is awesome, in case you were wondering.


And lastly, from I don't know where, and I hate it when a backlink disappears: , which basically sums up my entire life right now.

I'm not sure what most of you use to surf the internets, but I prefer Firefox.* In the latest three (or so) versions of Firefox, there's a new "Group your Tabs" option which is both the best thing ever (!1!11!) and possibly the key to my downfall. Here is what it (basically, only larger and with less concealed) looks like:



All of those little white squares, within the larger light blue squares, are websites that I am in the process of reading, or writing a comment on, or playing a game with, or having a discussion on: They are basically some of the little pieces of my brain that are floating around the internet in some capacity. The light blue squares and rectangles are the groups - I've got a crockpot recipe one going, all the crap I've got to pin (If you're not using Pinterest, you are missing out on one of the greatest procrastinatory tools of our times - sorry I can't share my link: I had to sign up with Facebook, which is obviously not anonymous), videos to watch when I don't also have the TV running, book reviews to read and books to add to my TBR pile, and various other things, including a large group of "read these more carefully" which includes about 2 months worth of Dear Sugar posts, and lord only knows what else (Quite possibly your posts, if we're being honest, since I have run out of space in my Google Reader). When the large squares get so full of little squares they don't fit anymore, you get that layers of paper look that's in that rectangle to the left of center there: that just means there are so many pages to read that I have filled up the group size. (Then I usually shrink it down so it doesn't look like so many, hence the "Books" group being so tiny.) So given that I have all these new ways to organize the things I'm reading/pinning/watching/playing, would you like to take a guess as to how much of the time I spend organizing rather than reading???

Ah, procrastinating my main way of procrastination: it's like Inception for procrastinators! And it's just asking for trouble, I tell you.

Anyways, that's what's new in my world ~ a way to spend more time on the computer and actually get less accomplished, a goal I would have said was near to impossible just a few short months ago! What's news with all of you? You may have said something about that in your latest blog posts, but since I'm still more than a thousand posts behind in my Google Reader, and Firefox has made it so nifty for me to move your post directly to the "Read this more carefully" portion of both my screen and my brain, I can't promise you that I've read it yet. I will get there though!

In the meantime, nice to see you, and I'm sorry if you still use IE: there's really no reason for that. (I may hold a grudge against certain IE related fails from way back when, including the time the program itself seemed to "melt" - actual computer person's terminology that I still have no idea what it means - and took a good three hours worth of schoolwork with it, but that's just my own prejudice.)



---------------------------------------------
*If I were to put this in SAT terms, it would read My preference for Firefox is to my hatred of Internet Explorer as Eating Cookies:Eating Rotten, Raw Eggs. I have dabbled in Chrome a bit, but Firefox is my platform of choice (if only for awesome plug-in capabilities).

Before my *new, less than a year old* computer literally starts smoking (it smells like burnt hair), I wanted to say hey! But I have no thoughts, so I'm just going to share some of what other people are thinking instead.

“While people around me start to relax, I keep my eyes on the sea, waiting to be rocketed into it in a wave of fire. I’ll be ready for it to happen, and therefore it won’t happen. It’s a burden, being able to control situations with my hypervigilence, but it’s my lot in life.”

Tina Fey, Bossypants (the best book I've read in a while).

"there are your fog people & your sun people, he said. i said i wasn't sure which kind i was. he nodded. fog'll do that to you, he said. "

from Story People

“Sisters will leave scars on your body—and your heart. No one in the world can betray you with quite that eye toward perfection, and no one will ever regret it more.”

Barbara O'Neal


And because I need to remember it:

“Don’t look over your shoulder to see what relatives are perched there. Say what you want to say, freely and honestly, and finish the job. Then take up the privacy issue.”

William Zinnser, American Scholar, How to Write Your Memoir

I know my posting these past few weeks has been lean - and it will probably get leaner still, should I have to have that damn surgery - but, fear not; I have not been sitting around wasting time. (Or, more accurately, I have not just been sitting around wasting time, since I did, in fact play more than my fair share of Bewjewled Blast on Facebook.)

No, I've been thinking. And plotting. And researching. Oh my heavens, with the researching.... Here are some things I have done, based on my research:

- I attempted to repair my laptop my own damn self: After reading a lot of blog posts and watching a video or two, I came up with the smart idea that the problem was the LCD inverter. So I tracked one down on E-bay, unscrewed my screen, and hooked the new inverter to the rest of the screen. Unfortunately, it was not the problem. This is unfortunate because A) that part only cost me $10 and fixing the damn computer for $10 would have been awesome, B) the part that is actually broken is most likely the LCD backlight, which is a little more expensive (ok, 10x more expensive), and that sucks, and C) not fixing the damn laptop means that I still have to steal mom's netbook. On the plus side, however - I took apart (and put back together) a computer screen solo. This is no small accomplishment for a girl who failed a Lego class.

- I have learned a little bit more about Macs, and using Photoshop with Macs (or even Windows with Mac, if necessary), and now only need to get my butt to the store to see what size will fit me best. (I have tried to have this size conversation with three people in the past week or so, and NO MATTER WHICH WAY I try to say it, it always ends up in a "That's what she said" type of comment. There is no avoiding it - if you're talking about size, TWSS will naturally appear.)

- I have found a new book series that I think (no longer) Youngest Nephew would like to read, and have started reading it myself.

- I may have found about 27 new books for me to read. And PBS-ed them. And read a few of them.

- I have found a couple of fun things for us to do this summer (hopefully).

- I have realized that I have a real issue with eating, and I'm working on it. (Awesome new-to-me resource: Did you know eating is not actually supposed to be a chore? Somewhere around the time that my meds killed my appetite, food and I started to have a very complicated relationship. I'm excited to think that can change, even though I can't afford the sessions she offers, just reading her blog has been so worthwhile for me.)

- I have scared myself out of sinus surgery. Twice. And scared myself back into it twice as well. Needless to say, I am very confused about this damn surgery, and am retroactively glad that my appendix decided to twist itself up in such a way that decision making was unnecessary: The only thing I thought that day was "Holy hell, did I just throw up blood??"

- I am trying to be kind to myself while I waffle over this decision, but I feel stupid, and inadequate, and ridiculous. No one has actually said anything mean to me about it, but I feel horribly judged - if I decide against the surgery (because it is painful, and because I don't heal well (no matter what the doctor tells me is "normal" healing), and because I petrified that this will make things worse instead of better, and because I don't know if I can handle that), I will never know if this is the thing that could have made me better. I will always wonder "what if". Maybe the people around me will wonder "what if" too, and judge me and think that I don't want to get better, because I don't want to do this one thing. If I do have the surgery (because it might actually solve a real problem, and because the doctors think it's my best bet to ward of the ever-present infections), then my face might get messed up. And - although I do not, generally, consider myself to be a particularly vain person - it is my face. And my sinuses might wind up worse than they are now, which would leave me worse than I am now. Or I might not heal right, because I never have before. And on and on and on.

- I have given myself permission to feel stupid and call and ask the doctor for another consultation, because I did not understand everything he told me that first day. That first day, it was all hypothetical and "then we do this" and "ten days later, good as new." Now, it is My Face, and My Body, and My Nose that you are going to be shoving a hammer up. Now, it's "Why should I do this? What are the real benefits?" and "How do I take my medications for 10 days if I can't swallow things?" So, yeah: I think I need more than 6 minutes of your time. And I'm sorry if that inconveniences you. (I think I am spoiled by Zach, who sat with me for 45 minutes on Friday - during a completely unrelated visit - and said things like "Don't do it if you're not ready" and "You have to realize that doctor's only know what they know - you know you." )

- I have finally posted something on my blog again - with words and thoughts and everything!

to my computer search questions. The responses (here and on my Facebook) have been overwhelmingly pro-Mac, so I'm going to see if I can carve out some time to get back to the Apple store at the mall, try to play with it a little bit more. I think I can swing it, moneywise, if I go for the mid-range version of the Macbook Pro, rather than the high-end one. (And, really? I do not need, nor would I like, a 17" screen.) So I'm going to go play with the 15"-ers and see how that works out. I'm glad to know that the OS is easy to learn: I have no doubts that it's easier once you know it, so my real concern has been, knowing nothing about it, how long will it take me to figure it out? But I've been doing more research (Hello: I'm NTE, Chronic-over-researcher, nice to meet you), and I think it seems do-able.

The only remaining cons are program-wise: that most of my files are in Office format, and that I don't have Mac Photoshop, which is one of my preferred tools for photo-editing, but I think I can get around that if I have to (either by fixing what I think is currently wrong with the old laptop, and using it specifically for that, or installing it on Mum's netbook and saving up files that I want to 'shop). So, I think I'm a Mac, and I'm going to go play with one tomorrow or Monday, just to be sure. I'm already searching for good deals (which are much harder to come back with the Macs, unfortunately) so that I can buy it ASAP.

Thanks for all your advice: Personal experiences count for a lot, when it comes to stuff like this. I think what tips the scales for me is the customer service... HP customer service has been really hit or miss (and mostly miss) for five years; I need something I can rely on, and the Genius Bar gets high marks for helpfulness.

So, barring something unexpected, I should order my new computer this week: pretty exciting!

Still no new computer: I'm trying to decide, definitively, if I am a Mac or a PC. Right now, this is boiling down to two issues:

1) Do I have enough brain power to learn a new operating system? Even though every Mac user I have talked to says that it's an incredibly intuitive OS, it's still not what I am used to, and will therefore require me to learn things. Thinking back, I know I taught myself DOS and, later, Windows (we had a computer before Windows - can you even imagine?) when I started using them, but I am not as smart as I used to be. I say this semi-jokingly, but it's true: brain fog is my real enemy now, in a way it didn't used to be, so that even things that should be simple wind up being unbearably complicated. So I have to really consider whether I have the energy to deal with learning a new thing. (This is a particularly important consideration when you're thinking about things breaking - when my PC stops running, I know of about 13 different ways to try to get it back up again... with a Mac, I'm clueless, and would probably make things much worse.)

2) How much money can I spend? Did you know that if you are on SSI, you can't have more than $2000 in the bank? Yeah - people with disabilities are apparently an exception to the whole needing to have money/plan for the future in anyway thing. (You can read a great rant about that on FWD, if I can find the link.) So I'm not allowed to have over $2000, and a 15 inch Mac starts at $1600. Which means, less taxes and whatever else, I would have about $300 to my name. Until April. I am not entirely comfortable with this, as I am generally "worst case scenario" prepared - I like to have the cash on hand. So I'm trying to figure out how to get the most bang for my buck.

There's a couple of other considerations... like I have no Mac programs, which, when it comes to photo editing, is kind of important; knowing your tools and how to use them. And then there's the fact that I need to make the RIGHT decision, or else beat myself up for all eternity. Blah. Choices - who needs them?

No, I need them, and I need to make this one - I hate being wishy washy, especially about something so trivial. But I think I kind of obsess about the more trivial things I can control, since there's no use obsessing about the stuff I can't control and would like to. BUT I'm going to set myself a deadline of this weekend, and see if I can do a last bit of research either tomorrow night (we're having a Lil Girl sleepover tonight, so that's out) or Friday morning before I finally get the damn CT scan for my sinuses (that the doc ordered 4 weeks ago - GROWL - and which will necessitate me making an actually important decision about whether or not to have the surgery - double growl.) And then my bank card will weep for a few weeks, and my mom can have her little netbook back.

Any last input on the whole computer issue would be appreciated - do you love what you have? Hate it? Wish you'd gone PC/Mac when you made your last purchase? Anybody?

as the laptop has finally given up on me. Today's screen went from half pink to twitching to finally being blank. Although if I tilt it a certain way, I can see the vague impression of the screen behind the veil of black, so I know it's just the screen. But in the five years I have had this computer it has had to be sent away for repairs three times and I've had to use the Geek Squad twice. The battery's been replaced twice as well (which is not all that unusual), but I've also gone through 4 power cords, which is ridiculous. I could have bought a new laptop (plus) with what I've spent repairing the old one, and since one sister has been nice enough to offer up her store credit and another sister her employee discount card, I should be able to afford to get what I need/would like. Thankfully, Mum got a netbook from her sister for Christmas, so I can still do some research about what I'm going to get. So if you're wondering about the little bit light-ish (and picture-less) posting, not to mention the severely restricted blog browsing, that's what's up. Hope your week is going OK.

(Part of me is saying "I don't want this blog to turn into a bunch of whiny posts about how sick I am, especially when it's not really that sick, it's just average sick (for me) and who cares about that?" and another part of me is saying "Well, you've got to write something and what the hell else do you have to talk about?" The parts of me are almost never in agreement about anything, so I find it's probably the best choice to let them bicker and try to move on. In that spirit:)

Here's a very brief bit of an update -

I have been sinus infection sick for over a month now (making this the 14th straight month in a row that I have had either a throat or sinus infection), and, after a consult with yet another ENT, they (once again) think I should have some surgery. Sinus repaired, cyst removed, tonsils out, deviated septum fixed. The surgery is still a ?, for a few reasons, but it seems more and more likely as time moves on. I have a lot of reservations, (including how do I take my very necessary meds after a tonsilectomy; how are we going to keep my BP stabilized during the surgery; which doesn't even mention the fact that "10 days" of recovery time for normal people usually winds up being an exponent of that number for me), but I'm working through them while I wait for the next step, which is a CAT scan. I will keep you posted: when I know more, you'll know more.

In other news, I am searching for a new laptop, as this one (at only 5 years old) has been gradually making things more and more difficult for me. This past week, it's decided that it doesn't want to recognize the back-up hard drive unless it's plugged into a certain USB port. There are three USB ports, and every time I turn the thing on, it requires that I change it to a different one. This is marginally frustrating, but when you combine it with the semi-pixelated screen (from when Humpty and I took a tumble nearly two years ago), the fact that the power cord only works if it is turned at a 35 degree angle, and the fact that I have now spent more in repairing the damn thing than I would on buying a new computer, I have decided that I am going to start searching for a replacement in earnest.

Since I don't like A) Spending Money I Don't Have, B) Change, and C)Buying Things I don't Know A Lot About, you might guess that I am not entirely psyched about this proposition. You would be correct. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated - what do you all use, and how do you like it?

My favorite part about my current HP is that it came with a controller, so I can listen to music at night and not have to move, but that's not a requirement in the new computer, since I could always just use this guy as a very big IPOD.

I also know that

• it is school vacation week here, so we should have the kiddos at some point, probably for sleepovers;
  
• my dad is back at work after a week's vacation and I definitely have to be better by the time he retires because (Him + Free Time) + (Me + Not Being Able to Do Anything + Extreme Sensitivity to All Smells, Especially Cooking Oil) = Bad News;
• SisterS is supposed to come down this weekend with BabyB and Oldest Nephew (which reminds me that I need new blog names for Youngest Nephew and BabyB) which is pretty awesome; and
• we're supposed to have some sort of engagment party/dinner thing for SisterCh and her fiance on Sunday, which I would be more excited about if his family wasn't coming, because thing I really know about his family is that the last time they were over, his mother wanted to take a bath in our bathtub. Really. It was very awkward.

So that's my news, and I also hope to be back before too long with a picture post, see if I can't scrabble a Best Shot for this Monday, get back into the swing of things again.

That is the inside of my computer, which I never want to have to see again. The computer is currently running fine - cool, even, for the first time in forever. I am going to just keep my fingers crossed (not while typing) that we have cleared everything up, and it will all be fine and dandy. The End. No more NaBloPoMo posts about the state of my computer, thank you very much. I am sure you all agree.

Sorry guys: Another measly paragraph of a post today, since the computer has cut me down to 6 minutes at a go, and I spent most of the day trying to figure out how to get the fan out, only to find out that I have to go from the keyboard down, instead of the bottom up. Basically, they make it as ridiculously difficult as possible, so that you don't really have much of a choice but to take it to somebody to get it fixed. But - if at all possible - I am not going to spend $200 for the guy to tell me there's some dust or hair trapped in the fan. I'm going to have to ask for help, which is a complicated issue for me. It is something that I absolutely avoid as much as is humanly possible, because I feel like I ask for too much help that I don't have a choice in, health wise. It's like I can't ask for anything else, because I've used up my share of goodwill or that because I can't contribute as much as I would like to, I can't then turn around and ask for help. It's just one of my issues, and I'm going to have to suck it up here, because I definitely can't do it on my own. I didn't even think I'd get this up, but I asked my sister for her laptop, and here I am.

I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully. I'm not going to stress of NaBloPoMo, though: It's not a huge deal, and I'm just going to do what I can.

after yesterday's post, about how my computer was fine, it shut down, unexpectedly (and for no. good. reason.) twice today. So instead of the long rambling post I was working on, you're going to get this (2?3?5?) sentences paragraph that I am hustling out to you before the whole thing collapses again. I am hoping it just got overheated... that happens sometimes, and maybe that's what it was. But I can't push my luck here, as far as NaBloPoMo goes.

My poor, 4.5 year old computer has been running so obscenely slow lately, and I didn't exactly know why. Ok: That's not entirely true... I did know that there were a lot of pictures on here. When I packed up all my stuff in April (and still have yet to unpack a good 3/4 of it), I loaded a bunch of pictures on here beforehand.. a lot as in, about 20 years worth of scanned pictures, to share with Grandmother. And since then, I've taken about 1500 more (a lot of them horribly atrocious, but I don't delete. WHY don't I delete? I have no idea.) Usually, I upload them to my computer, then onto a DVD & my back up drive, and then erase them off the main drive. But lately, between feeling like crap, and having a million of things that I have to do (like unpack that remaining 3/4 of a life; start/finish people's birthday presents/christening presents from 2 years ago, etc), the backing up of something that is already sort of done has just not happened.

This picture is a screenshot breakdown of my computer files, and I think it does a pretty good job of showing why my computer is running so slowly: All that blue? Those are pictures. They take up an outrageously large portion of my hard drive, (87.3 GB out of 1 MB - Full of pictures) and it's a wonder I can get anything accomplished at all on here. The next largest chunk of color - those reds? That's my music library. Which also needs intense whittling.

I am not sure if I am glad about this news or not: On the one hand, I had been thinking I would have to buy a new computer soon, because it takes me 45 minutes to get Firefox to load and makes me want to cry. So realizing that all I really need to do is sit my butt down and get some stuff deleted is great, because I can't really afford a new computer. But it also kind of sucks because A) I don't want to do a lot of boring erasing and B) I would, in fact, like a new computer. But I am also very cheap/poor, and I know I won't buy it if it can be put off. Which, apparently, if I actually do the work, it can be.

So hooray for figuring out what the hell is wrong, but boo for actually having to fix it, basically.

I've been working really hard on two posts: one on my sick-a-versary, and one on all of the new CFIDS research that's been coming out, and my take on the news/issues that surround it. They are both proving incredibly difficult to write (hello: conflicted much?), and so instead, today's post is going to be about how it took my virus scan 13.5 hours to scan my computer. That is more than half a day... I knew the computer was running slow, but that is fracking ridiculous! Of course, it may have something to do with the fact that there is about 8 GB of free space left on the drive, but that only goes to show you that this computer (four and a half years old now, which seems really YOUNG TO ME), is just not cutting it for me anymore. Of course, it's just going to have to hang on till the new year, or I win the lottery, which ever comes first.

Yeah, I missed yesterday, so my July NaBloPoMo challenge didn't work out, but I'm going to blame it all on my computer, which seems to have caught some sort of virus that I have already spent the better part of 5 hours trying to figure out. UGH! I hate it when the computer decides to complicate my life. That's ok, though, I'm just going to pretend that everything is fine now, and once the virus scan stops scanning (for the 33rd time), it will tell me everything is hunky dory. Won't it?

Grr...

For Lent, I am giving up not posting every day: It's my own personal NaBloPoMo! Basically, bad things happen in my brain when I don't have a place to blurt it all out, and since you all are kind enough to come back and listen, I should do my best to post as regularly as possible. And we all know that I do better if I feel I have to post, so I'm signing up for posting everyday till Easter Sunday, and committing to it right here on this nice bloggy thing. If When I make it, I will let myself get a little treat. Must think of good treat. Feel free to offer your suggestions below.

For my first post, I'm going to attempt the dazzling and death-defying bullet point post (oh! ah!):

• My parents may have found a house that they like enough to buy. They're going to the bank today to talk about putting down an offer so that they can get an inspection done. The only opinion I have about it is that it has a lot of stairs outside so that I cannot get in, and this does not please me. This whole house buying situation is showing me just how deep my control freak nature is - I am very uncomfortable buying a house I haven't been in, knowing I will have to live there for the foreseeable future. It's scary.
  
• Come to think of it, the house buying/having to move is bringing up a lot of issues that I'm not entirely comfortable with - the fact that I can't just go buy myself an apartment and have to keep living with my parents; the fact that my parents are not good with money and I just want to take it away from them (perhaps an allowance?); the idea that we've sold our 'family home' - it's been in our family for over 100 years, although it was originally a family run business. My great-grandparents moved here when Nana was just an infant, so from 1923 - 2009 my family has lived here. That's a lot of history to just be giving up on. And sometimes it does feel like we're giving it up. (I know we're not, it's just the closer it gets, the more I realize that this is forever.); the fear that my brother is trying to figure out a way to move with us into this new house (he didn't come out and say it, but he sure was asking a lot of questions about the house's finished basement, and the fact that it has it's own bathroom seemed important to him) because things are not going well with Soon-to-be (?) Sister-In-Law. A lot of things.
  
• We took my grandmother to lunch last week and she met three people she knew in the restaurant. I met 0. I was so happy for her, because she never goes out, really, and was so excited, but there was still a little piece of me that was jealous. Of my 92 year old Grandmother. Nice.
  
• I still haven't packed much of anything: A couple of boxes, but there's nowhere to put anything else, so why bother?


• Lil Girl is potty training and doing really well - no accidents at all yesterday. She came wearing big girl 'underwheres' (she says it like it's got that little h in it), and seeing them made me kinda sad, cuz she's the baby.
  
• This does not mean that we want another baby to take care of, so the universe should not see it as me putting out a call to any of my siblings. We are - none of us - in a position to have any (more) kids right now. I'd like to be, but that's a whole nother post.


• A little update from Friday's post about my TBR challenge - I suck at reading things I'm 'supposed' to be reading. If a new PBS book comes in the mail, I put it at the top of the pile - although I have cut down a lot on PBS incoming books, because I am trying to get rid of books, I still will say yes to a wish list book if it becomes available. And then when it gets here, because I know it's been on my list for so long, I read it first. I am totally counting this because it's been in my virtual TBR for longer than some of these books have been in my physical TBR. Counting it.
  
• I learned two new things while typing this post - how to do bullet points and strikethroughs on HTML. This makes me ridiculously happy.


That's all I've got for you right now... Check back in soon, because it's going to be a long Lent. :)

and it seems to feel similarly towards me.

I bought my laptop - this laptop right here - three years ago. February of '05. Immediately after purchasing it, it did this thing were, if you moved it too quickly, it shut down. I thought, for a while, that laptops did that. A few months later, SisterJ purchased her laptop and I noticed "wow, you can move it without treating it like it is plutonium and it still works!" So I asked my HP people what was wrong with the puter and they said "Send it to us, it sounds broken." I did, and it was. The motherboard was 'compromised' and had to be replaced. That sucked, since it was a new laptop and then I was without it for a few weeks - about a month, I think.

About 6 months later, one of my 3 USB ports (the quickest one) stopped working. Just wouldn't even show up on my manage devices list. It kinda sucked, but I dealt with it. A few weeks later, another one stopped working. (To figure this out I had to buy a new cord for my printer, as I had assumed it was the cord that was broken. It wasn't.) Less than 3 months later, the final remaining USB port refused to show up. Nice. Went to the HP people again, and they were all "You must have done something, I wonder why that would happen if you didn't uninstall them" (As if I were purposely removing the posibility of my computer being able to communicate with other devices. "Send it to us," they said, acting as if I needed to be reported to Social Services for laptop abuse. I packed it up and sent it off AGAIN and it as gone for a month and a half. When it came back, they grudgingly admitted that the computer had done it on its own, acting out with the sort of antisocial behavior you expect from 3 year olds.

This year, as we have discussed, I had to send the pretty computer away because the fan was overheating and then full on stopped working. Again: not my fault; Again, at least 3 weeks with no laptop.

The same time I bought my laptop, I bought a printer with it - an Epson. It was an color, copier, printer, and it was free with rebate. I love free. I love rebates. I thought I was veeery lucky. Sometime between the first time I had to send the computer back and the second time I had to send it back, the printer stopped working. Totally. The ink cartridge had somehow leaked into the inside of the machine, and was producing large black splotches on ... everything. The printer refused to print anything, and then got to the point where it wouldn't even turn on anymore. Nice. So I called up Epson, and they were all "really? How'd that happen? Oh wait, that's a known issue with this model. Send it back to us and we'll send you a new one. A better one! You're a lucky lucky girl!"

Yes, I totally felt lucky, as I'm sure you can imagine.

That printer lasted about 2 years, until, last fall, right when my family troubles were exploding, it decided to start eating the paper. It would start to load a page to print out on, and instead of going through, it would crumple it up and then flash red lights at me. "error! error! Error!" it would yell. As if I couldn't tell from the whole gobbling up the paper thing. The warranty had, of course, expired by this point, and this would've been my 3rd try with the Epsons anyway, plus I had been thinking about getting an all in one that you can fax with (because of my timesheets for the PCA program that have to be in every two weeks and sending Mum to Staples every other Monday seemed pretty low on the list of priorities when you're dealing with famiy emergencies).

So to make things easier on myself (and everybody else), I went ahead and bought a brand new printer/copier/scanner/fax. It's a Canon, and I have loved it for all of the 5 months that I have been using it. It printed out SisterJ's save the dates, her wedding invitations, the games we played at the shower. I've completed about 25 of SisterCh's scrapbook pages on the thing, in the past week. It and I have copied a gazillion magazine pages, crochet directions, and recipes.

And then, there came today. When I tried to copy Youngest Nephew's Report Card (he did awesome, watch out 3rd Grade!), the printer started making this scary noise, lights started flashing, paper stopped rolling in. The piece of paper ripped somewhere inside the machine. And there, it got lost. A little piece of paper is sitting in there, making everything else NOT WORK. So I called Canon, and yippee, you guessed it "Please sent it to us, we'll send you a new one to replace it. There's no way you can fix it yourself."

UGH. Just Ugh. I mean, seriously, why do electronic things hate me so much? I am a good owner. I don't misuse them or eat food and drop it into them. I use that spray duster thing regularly, and I've only dropped my poor laptop once, and then, it was because I was dropping as well. (We haven't talked about that: it was the week leading up to the wedding, the computer and I took a tumble ... a serious tumble. My back was WAAY messed up and I was really glad you couldn't see it under my dress. And the puter was ok except for some dead pixels in the lower right corner. Which bothered me a lot at first, but now I realize all it means is that I have to look somewhere else to see what time it is. I think I can deal.) I am not cruel to things with plugs, but they must have heard horror stories, because there is some sort of computer/printer conspiracy when it comes to me.

So, if you have anything that needs copying, you - and I - will have to wait 7-10 days. Sorry about that.

10 days is still not two weeks... and I forgot that they meant 'business days' when they said weeks... So I am still laptop-less - It was indeed the fan that had stopped working: it will indeed cost me about $200 to fix it. I have indeed paid them and am waiting oh so patiently to get it back. End of laptop update.

Medically, things are taking unexpected turns. Well, unexpected for anybody else... just normal "oh my sweet Jesus what now" turns for me. Yesterday's appointment with Zach included blood tests for West Nile Virus, an appointment to have the ENT use a 'vacuum like apparatus' on my sinuses (oh joy), and the discovery of some lymph node issues that, because Zach likes to use a totally different dictionary than the rest of the normal world, he called 'compelling and possibly key.' In English, though, they were potentially troubling spots that need to be followed up with yet another CT scan and a PET scan. So next week filled up with appointments rather quickly as well, which isn't exactly awesome because I've got other stuff that needs to get accomplished. But we do what we have to, I suppose.

Some of the other stuff I have to get accomplished this week include my last bridesmaid's dress fitting (Tuesday), actually coming up with something for the bachelorette party, probably a lot of cursing at the rest of the bridal party for not actually, you know... helping, and various other wedding related things. Also, the twins are being christened this Sunday, so there's that. And I needed to shop for something, but it's lost in the recesses of my mind at present. OH: and Thursday is Blogging Against Disabilism Day, and I have pledged a post. (And will have to make time to wander the rest of the posts in the days that follow). Then next Saturday is Youngest Nephew's First Communion, as well as his 8th birthday party. Yup: Starting Sunday, the train of days moves quickly for us here at NTE's house ~ in a echo to the clumping phenomenon of the fall & winter, May seems to be jam packed with things this year.

And they're all a little bittersweet, each new milestone or happy occasion that we're observing without Nana. It's tough, but we're hanging in. I'm hanging in. Yesterday's appointment with Zach was difficult, because it was the first time we'd been back to the office since she'd died, and everyone wanted to pass along their condolences, to talk about how nice she was to them, or how much they appreciated my letters after her death. I found myself having to look away from people's eyes, to keep myself from crying. It's been a couple of weeks (since the shower) since I had to do that, which I suppose is a good sign. I just know these next few weeks will be tough, a bunch of firsts and familiars, and yet they'll all be different this time. Hmmm... not what we expected.

But life never is, is it?

So: that's a post chock full of information & random topics... to make up for the past few weeks of nearly nothing. And, if you're lucky, I'll post some pictures later, show you some of the stuff we've been working on for the wedding.

Happy Thursday, all... Miss you!

Well I took the laptop to the Geek Squad today, and they kept it. I was very sad to let it go (AGAIN!!), but hopefully, it will be a quick repair and then they'll send it back to me all working and spiffy. Since the fan had stopped running at all, I decided all my software improvements (updating the BIOS, for example) were for naught, and brought it to some people who might actually know what they are doing. BUT they said it'd cost money (duh~ of course my warranty expired again in January!) and that it may take 2 weeks to a month (to unscrew the little screws, take out the fan and put in a new fan? Who knows...) So I am stuck trying to finagle some time on the home computer, which means sitting up and all, which I am not particularly good at (something about this posture makes my neck and back start hurting even more quickly), so posting may be scarce. Like it already has been for the past two weeks, when I was hoping for some sort of fan-revival miracle. BUT I do appreciate you all checking in, and I will check in as I can... I may even resort to physically writing out posts and then typing them up, because when I am computer less, I think of a million things to talk about. So, we'll see how it goes.

In other news, yes: the shower was demanding and exhausting, but it was also fun. The wedding is 33 days from today, so all of the last minute type stuff is rushing at us. Like: Finding a bra. Hello? Large chested person? Get a bra that actually fits, will you??? That's Wednesday's mission... I'd rather refuse to accept that particular mission, but we do what we must.

I have my first appt with Zach since Nana died next week (it got rescheduled twice: once by me, once by him), and I'm feeling a little awkward. I'm mostly doing ok with the whole thing, but wonder if seeing him might be a little teary... for me or for mom. Nothing for it though, because I definitely need some better pain management going here... all these extra tasks I'm trying to fit in, and my body is complaining loudly. I had two 10 days last week... it is not something I need to be repeating, that's for sure. Although it did make me realize it's been a while since I've had a five or a six day. Mostly I'm living at 7-9, and that's not a great place to be, I assure you. (Sorry, re-reading that that may make no sense to you: on a 1-10 scale, ten being the highest, rate your pain. That's how the docs always do their evaluations.)

So... recap: laptop-less, but not totally computer-less. Wedding stuff is progressing, and there's a bunch of details to follow through on. Love you guys, and will try to write as often as possible. Pain sucks. The end.

Laptop is still being uncooperative, but I managed to get back here again, so I thought I'd check in.

I wanted to tell you how the shower went last Saturday, in case you were waiting with baited breath.

Honestly? It went rather well... my co-hostesses were a bit lax in the whole "you have to introduce yourself to people" arena, but other than that, and a mini-post crash, I think things went awesome.

SisterJ and her fiance seemed a little bit surprised (although I'm not entirely sure they were), and most importantly, everybody had fun. So that's good.

How about some photographic proof of said fun? I thought you might like that...

Here we are in the car... I'm taking pictures because we're running late. AGAIN. And I'm trying not to go crazy. (I am an early bird, in a family of never-on-time-s.) That's Sister Y, Oldest Nephew, & Sister Ch...



Lil Girl, hiding for the chance to say 'surprise;'

Here are the soon to be Mr. & Mrs. playing a who knows who best game:

Can you guess who's winning?




Then there were some presents:





We did cake smooshing, because Sister J is VERY MUCH OPPOSED to doing it at the wedding...




Which turns out to be a good thing.


There's a few more still to come, but overall, I thought it went really well! (Note to self, however: if you're planning on playing games, bring pencils. Don't leave them on your desk.)

(You can click on over to my Flickr Stream to see more: if we're not friends, let's be!)