http://whatfallsawaynow.blogspot.com.au/

I shouldn't have to keep changing my blog address because people can't mind their own fucking business.  No one who is secretly reading this actually gives a shit about me so why would they want to read about my life?  I don't get that, I really don't.  I blog for me, and I'm happy to have non family members read what I write, and I actually appreciate their interest and their comments, in this lonely life I lead these days.  I need to be able to blog freely and say whatever I want without censoring it. 
Especially now when I'm struggling so much and am so very unhappy. 
Thankfully, we'll soon be changing servers so I'll have a new isp based email address and can make (another) new blog on Blogger and change any identifying details. 

Who would have thought they would be financial ties?  Not me, when I foolishly rushed into this union almost twenty years ago.  I get frustrated at people who whine about their lives and never DO anything about it.  I see myself as one of those people.  Or at least I did.  I am in a miserable marriage, as much as I pretend that it isn't at times, and I am selling out I know I am, on the values and beliefs I held before this nightmare.  The fact is, I have no income, and no means, for now, of getting one, and still have two children who are dependent on me for love and care. 
Last night I was having hot flushes, so I went out and sat on the front verandah for a while to cool off, it is REALLY cold here.   Next thing I knew I was locked out, and no amount of banging and ringing the doorbell roused any of the three people inside.  I know Phill did it deliberately, he does things like this, who knows why?  When I started making so much noise that the neighbours were alerted he finally let me in and said he was in the toilet or the shower or something.  I was dressed only in a pair of pjs with nothing on my feet.  What an arsehole.  He is incapable of shutting a cupboard door, or pushing a chair in yet he suddenly had to lock all the doors?  Fuckwit.
This morning my uni paperwork arrived.  I am excited.  I need to get some folders to put it all in, there is a lot of work there.  This, to me, is the tiny start I need to get my life back again, to get out of here and back to work and supporting myself and the kids if need be. 
I also think that the workshop I'm doing for SIDS and Kids next week in Sydney, will be a good thing to start me on my way to my new career whatever that will be.  I am not too old, I am determined to make a better and happier life for myself where I can be productive and not at the mercy of an abuser like my husband.  It's sad really, he does have some good qualities, but the level of anger and abusive behaviour has driven all of us away from him.  Kate won't even speak to him, if he answers when she rings she just hangs up.  How could I have fooled myself for so long that I had a happy marriage?  I can't talk to him about anything, he is totally self obsessed.  If I try to tell him I am unhappy he just says "You're always unhappy".  Not true, I can feel quite happy.  When he isn't here.  Thank goodness he is going to Melbourne tonight.
I know it seems materialistic but I am not going to leave everything behind and start again, I've done that twice before but was much younger then.  I will grin and bear this till the time is right and then I'm out.  I will get half of his superannuation when we finally divorce and that will set me and the kids up a bit for the future.  He might have enough left over to get a mail order bride or something.  Poor girl.

Although it got down to minus 4C last night, there is a bin full of rainwater by the vegie garden and it had a thick layer of ice on it when we went outside.
No Pat, we don't get snow, just frost and the weeds can still grow through that although it's killed my oregano in the pot out the back.  And the grass still grows too, albeit slowly.
I think my hormones are in play, I had a bit of a misery guts day today, kept having to remind myself of how bad things were and how much better they are now.  I have to stop myself from looking backwards so much, and force myself to look forward. 
I had some chicken thigh fillets, and had a hankering for Chicken Cacciatore which I haven't made for years, if ever.  Then when I was at the supermarket saw a jar of Butter Chicken sauce and thought it would be an easier dinner tonight when I wasn't feeling too good.  I ended up splitting the chicken and making both, with naan bread, basmati rice and pasta, but not all at once.  Might char grill some zucchini too.
Phill has been working at midday every day, but tomorrow he goes to Melbourne again in the night time so I thought we might drive up to Young for lunch just to get out of this cold, dark miserable bloody house.
I know good things are ahead for me, but I must make them happen myself and not just wait for them to come to me.
We are thinking we might get our entitlements from El Shonko by Christmas, or so the union says.  I've written it off, we got through the financial crisis, anything else will be a bonus.  I just hope Ray Evans gets what he deserves after what he's done to so many families.  He is allegedly in hiding on his huge estate outside of Melbourne.  I hope justice prevails and he no longer has a huge estate.  We just wanted to be paid for the work that was done in good faith.  We weren't.

Yikes it's been a week since I updated, so much for me needing to do it every day.
It was so cold here today, I had the heating up to 23C and I still couldn't get warm, even though I was moving about and doing things.
Phill finally mowed the lawns today, much less here than in Hovell Street.  I got out and weeded the whole back fence line where the little Cassia trees are.  It looks much better out there now.  The vegie garden is growing very slowly but growing nevertheless.
We went to Wagga with the proceeds of our jar of silver coins, which added up to $130.  We were going to see a movie but of course couldn't agree on which one, then thought we might try to new bowling alley but it was so expensive for just one game and full of screaming kids so we went and had a slap up lunch at La Porchetta which was lovely.  We haven't been able to go out to eat much due to the $$$ crisit so it was good to do so and we all enjoyed it.  I love our little family dynamic, we all get each other and laugh a lot.
Emily has shown no interest in going back to the Arts Centre on her own, or in doing anything else really.  Not a lot I can do when she has no motivation herself.
I am almost certainly going up to Sydney at the end of the month to do a workshop with SIDS and Kids to help me on my way to be a parent supporter.  I'm a bit nervous about going on my own, it's so long since I've done anything on my own.  My sister and her husband are going overseas and she said I could stay in their unit which is reasonably close to the city so I can get public transport to the venue.  And hopefully our free rail pass will come through in time, Phill gets a free pass for life since he worked for Cityrail years ago.  I am thinking I might take Emily with me for company but haven't said anything to her yet.  Don't know what she will do while I'm at the workshops for the two days, I don't really like the idea of her getting about Sydney on her own.
My first uni study material has been sent out and I should be starting work soon, I am so looking forward to it, and what lies beyond.

We went down after lunch to the clay building class, which was for primary aged kids, although there was one lovely year seven girl in the group, as well as the cutest, cheekiest five year old boy.  I am out of my comfort zone with new people and places these days as I just haven't done anything like that for so very long, and Emily is the same, but it was very relaxed down there.  We caught up with Julie, Emily's high school mentor who made a big impact in Emily's life during her difficult time at school.  She had breast cancer, we heard that through the school but she looked wonderful today, better than before she got sick actually.  I am thinking she has given up smoking and drinking and that is contributing to her health.  We had fun helping the kids with their pots and tiles, and both Em and I learned a few things.  It was a really nice group of kids, most from the Catholic school (sorry but they're just generally better behaved).  It was a bit slow for me, I like to be busy all the time when I volunteer but we did what we could, and Emily shone when she showed a couple of the kids how to make a paper crane.  I could see the teacher was impressed and told Em she could take a class showing some other kids how to do origami if she wanted to.  I hadn't intended to stay, I only did it to help Em feel more comfortable but I really enjoyed it.  I hope Emily will go back, on her own, and I won't mind helping out if it's needed again either.
Last night we had our bbq, which we usually do on Saturday nights but it was pouring with rain then, and we had been in Wagga all day.  We lit the fire bowl after dinner and the kids toasted marshmallows and we sat and talked and had fun and it was good.

After the seemingly endless days of cold, and grey and gloom and rain, yesterday, the day my girl was coming home to us, was a glorious warm Sunny day.  Josh and I walked down to the station to meet her.  She got off the train and just clung to me and it was so good to have her in my arms again, my beautiful Emily Rose.  We were going to get a taxi home and I rang for one but they said they were really, really busy and it might be a wait.  We decided to walk so I cancelled the taxi.  We only got across the road from the station when a wheel fell off the suitcase.  So I had to ring back again for a taxi.  We stood on the street corner waiting with the big suitcase.  This old bloke walks past and says "Waiting for a train are you?"  Oh yes we always wait OUTSIDE the station, across the road on a street corner for our trains.  LOL It was all we could do to not laugh. 
So she's home.  And so glad to be here.  She enjoyed her bed last night after 9 nights of sleeping on Kate's dodgy couch. 
And Phill got his first pay yesterday since the whole job drama.  That feels so good, to know we can pay all our bills etc again.  We have been relying on credit which will need to be paid back, but we can do that now.
Today we went and got a big grocery order and called into the Tourist Information Centre to see about Em (and me) volunteering there.  They have heaps of volunteers so that might not work out, but Julie, Em's old mentor is running the place now and I was really more interested in the Arts Centre which is part of it and right next door.  I asked if they needed volunteers.  The lady came out and we told her about Emily, and she said they might need helpers with the school holiday art classes for children, which would be right up Em's alley, she is very artistic and loves kids.  My idea is for her to get out there into the community and make contacts and get herself known.  It's the only chance she has to get some work in this town.  It's a matter of who you know, and we don't really know anyone.  I also rang one of the preschools to see if she could volunteer there and she wants to see Em on Monday morning.  This preschool also advertised for an assistant part time, no experience necessary so we have applied for that.  Even if she just does volunteer work for the rest of the year, she will be on the spot if a paid position comes up and they will know her and know what she can do.  And it will get her out of the house. 
We went into Target and asked if Em would have a better chance now she is in the system and has done her induction in Perth and the manager virtually said "not a chance". 
So it looks like we will be moving to Wagga after Christmas if we can get out of the lease here, if not it will be May next year.  It will be great living in a city, albeit a country city but we'll have the best of both worlds.  And if Josh goes to uni in Wagga it will all work out well and we can all still be together.  I am sure Em can get a job there, it's such a big centre.  When she is 18 she can do her RSA and maybe get a bit of bar work.  So many more possibilities in a big town. 
I am feeling so much better, and actually feel happy for the first time in ages.  Phill has been behaving himself, and I'm still not sure what the future holds for us, but the kids are our main priority and that is something we both agree on.
Emily has learned to appreciate her parents, and how much we love her, I have realised I don't want to be away from these, my last two children and that we really do have much to be thankful for.
Going to make Lemon Chicken  and fried rice in my new wok that I got with my supermarket points, tonight.