(in the interest of full disclosure- he gave this to me ON Mother's Day- it just took me a while to take the photos)
A made this for me- a sunflower and a bee.
What a great gift!!!!!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
The Boys Can't Wait for Me to Post This
Since Star Wars is the thing at our house
(it does take a few minutes to load however)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Are You Kidding Me, Pat Robertson
So I happened upon an open letter to you written by another blogger whose blog I follow. And she nicely expressed her view that your recent comments were inappropriate and offensive and she called for you to issue an apology.
I am not that nice-
I am going to call your comments what they were- they were beyond inappropriate, beyond offensive. They were racist. And even worse than that (if it is possible for something to be worse than racist) they possibly kept children from finding forever families- and that is inexcusable. Because the story that ran on adoption was actually well done and presented adoption in an accurate and positive light....
and then you opened your mouth.
I am all for cautioning people that adoption isn't something entered into lightly, and I think it is even more important to move cautiously when people feel "called by God to save an orphan" (and I am not going into the whole save an orphan thing now- that's a whole other rant)
However-
You compared the adoption of a child with owning a pet that you can get rid of when it becomes tiresome. Children who need families are not pets from the pound and no one going into adoption thinks that you can just drop them off again if they become inconvenient. We understand that this is life long commitment, not matter how the media tries to portray it otherwise. To diminish the adoption of a child by equating it to that of a pet trivializes the true nature of adoption and dehumanizes the children that are being talked about.
But far worse than that comparison was this
"During the first year or two of growth a child can be badly damaged mentally and emotionally... they are so emotionally scarred it's a difficult thing, they never adjust to adulthood"
or this
"I want to say again, the Bible says count the cost, count the cost and there is a cost"
or this
"If they have demonic influence, if they have some you know propractor [sic] of the dark arts in their background you never know what's going to come out. And you also can't tell if they have been brain damaged as a child"
or the best one yet
"It can be a blessing if you get the right child. That child becomes a part of your family and you love like your own. But, BUT..."
So Pat- who are the right kids? Who are the kids deserving of forever families? I think your comments on Haiti make it pretty clear that those kids are not the right kids- after all, according to you, Haiti is so involved with demonic influences they experienced the worst humanitarian disaster in recent memory, and possibly in human history. What about Africa? Lots of tribal religions still exist throughout the continent. What about China or Korea or India where Christianity is not the main religion- do those kids have too much demonic influence?
These are children, in many cases not much more than babies- They have experienced plenty of demonic influences and believe me little of any of it comes from the practice of any dark arts in their background. Their demons come from a Western world too greedy to allow access to medicines that could have saved a parents life, too selfish to allow fair trade so their parents might have been able to feed them, too short sighted to help build schools to educate girls, too concerned about what "we" want to notice our impact on others and too involved in the own "moral" stance to notice that EACH DAY 16,000 children die from hunger and another 3800 die EVERY DAY from preventable diseases. They have seen plenty of demons and those demons wear our faces. Those are the demons you must face as an adoptive parent- answering the questions "why did my first mom die in childbirth", "why couldn't you just give them money for food", "why couldn't they get medicine" "why can't they find a job", "why, why why" But rather than work to eliminate these demons you discourage adoption because for most of us, when that child (who is OUR child by the way) comes into our homes we begin to understand the demons that still plague our world. Oh there are demons, Pat- they just aren't what you think they are. Looking at the real demons means holding up a mirror and I just don't think you are ready to look at what you might see.
you can see the report/commentary here (and kudos to Terry Meeuwsen for countering Pat's ignorance and for not punching him- I am not sure I would have been that Christian)
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Wordless Wednesday
This will be a new feature on the blog. I have seen it featured on many other blogs but basically the idea is a photo- no story. So assuming I can actually remember to do this on Wednesday- look for a new photo each week.
So for our first Wordless Wednesday (which admittedly isn't wordless this week)
Friday, May 14, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
BABIES (the Movie)
So I went with several friends to see this movie the night it opened and it is indeed very good. It shows the 4 babies throughout their first year and really brings home that despite very different circumstances family is the same worldwide. The movie is stunning and well done and for the most part thoroughly enjoyable. And the babies are freakin' adorable and rather funny. Surprisingly, the movie is not narrated which is in some ways unfortunate because without narration sometimes it is hard to know the cultural "whys" of what is happening (for example, how much time does Bayar really spend alone with his brother) On the flip side, the narration would likely need subtitled which would have distracted from the cuteness.
And seriously, how can you not love a movie about Babies?
But....
I also have to say there were parts that bothered me. (and yes, this is the part where some of you will say I am over-analyzer. So be it. It's my blog and I'll over-analyze if I want to)
I am a parent of a child born in Africa- specifically Ethiopia (Ponijao the baby in the movie was born in Namibia) and I know what the average American believes about Africa. I know what they believe because people say stuff to me about KW or Africa and sometimes I wish they wouldn't say stuff to me because when they do I see how far we still have to go in matters of race and equity and peace. I know because people say things like "She isn't dark like some of those people over there" or the slightly more 'pc' version -"she doesn't look African".
Most Americans (even if they KNOW it isn't) view Africa as a country with no regard to the varied and diverse cultures that live on the CONTINENT. But more so than that, many (even maybe most) Americans believe that the Africans featured on the pages of National Geographic represent the way ALL Africans live- naked, dusty and primitively. And unfortunately the producers chose to use a tribal family as their representation of Africa, which for many will only confirm that belief. The families are all portrayed very respectfully but there are several juxtapositions that continue to perpetuate the belief that Africans are less civilized and Africa is savage and primitive. There were 3 that stood out the most.
1. 2 of the families are urban, and 2 are rural/traditional. The Mongolian family appeared to be somewhat nomadic (although without narration it was hard to be totally sure) and certainly lived in the countryside of Mongolia with their cattle. But they had a electricity and a satellite dish. The Namibian family had no modern anything.
2. In each family there were at least a few scenes of dad's interacting with the babies/family. Each family EXCEPT the Namibian family. The only time the men were seen at all, they were riding on horses/donkeys past the women as they walked. Not hard to see how that would translate into what many already believe about African American dads in this country
3. And in the most notable example- there was this series of scenes: USA baby interacting with the pet cat, Japanese baby interacting with the pet cat, Mongolian baby interacting with the pet cat, and finally the Namibian baby interacting with the...... flies. Seriously? What message does that send? Later on in the movie there are several scenes of Ponijao playing with the pet dogs- those certainly could have been cut into the "pet" scenes for a more balanced presentation.
Now I recognize that none of these things are particularly horrible in and of themselves. And for those Americans who actually have an accurate world view they are likely harmless- but for how many people do these scenes continue to reinforce the notion that Africans are barely more than animals, living naked, chewing on the bones found on the ground (which Ponijao also does in several scenes) And long term, if we as a society believe these images are representative of Africa, then it is any wonder our policies and practices continue to harm the continent and why we as a society don't feel the same compulsion to get involved in the issues that effect Africa and her people. For many people, these images are too different, too disconnected from our beliefs and understanding and for them, bridging the differences in order to see our shared humanity is too far to go and we are left divided.
I was reading an interview with the director and he said this (which is fairly disturbing in it's own right) "There is something universal in the American way of raising children. What you do here today, we'll be doing in the rest of the world tomorrow." Wow if that isn't a scary view of the world's future. And in all seriousness, the babies that seemed the happiest and most content were the babies who had none (or few) of the things that American parents seem to believe that our children MUST have.
There's probably a lesson in there somewhere.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Thoughts on Family Day
Today is the 3rd anniversary of D's Family Day. The plan was to celebrate with a little celebration and maybe give her one of the many gifts we bought in China (intending to give her one a year until she is 18) but yet another truth of adoption is that as time goes by good adoptive parents learn how much they don't really know.
Three years ago my child woke up with no idea how her life was about to change. She was dressed by the ayis that cared for her and loved her and she was driven to an office several hours away. After a long hot journey she arrived and was carried in by one of her ayis who clearly cares for her. She stayed in her ayi's arms for a long while, comfortable, while she observed the people around her.
But eventually she was handed to us and she wailed as everyone familiar disappeared from her life forever
Adoption is complicated- what seemed so simple 3 years ago- a celebration of the day we became a family is not so simple after all because the act of becoming a family meant that D lost everything she knew- EVERYTHING. And that is not something that we should be celebrating. And in celebrating "gotcha day" (and wow do I not love that term) are we really glossing over the ugly stuff- not dwelling on it because it is too hard for us to accept the role that we have played in our child's grief. It's too hard to wrap our heads around how great those first losses really are. While we did not cause the loss of her birth family and culture we have certainly benefited from it- we have HER. And while she gained some thing she had been missing in no way does that gain negate what was lost. To pretend otherwise invalidates the very existence of her first family. It has been said that adoption is a redemptive response to tragedy- and we should never forget that the amazing process of forming a family through adoption also means there are two parents who will never see their child grow up and a tiny girl who was ripped from everything she knew.
I know many families will continue to celebrate their gotcha days and if that choice feels right to them then who am I to say they are wrong. But for me-it seems more complicated now and that each response or non response to the day carries meaning far beyond what is evident at first glance. (For the perspective of an adult adoptee please click here and here- she explains it far better than I) I don't know what the right answer is- I imagine how we mark the day will evolve over time based on what D needs but for now we will simply remember how grateful we are to her first family for her existence and humbly remember that our gain comes from their loss. We can't imagine life without her.
Three years ago you bravely entered our world and it hasn't been the same since.
We Love You D!!!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
What is it About the Grocery Store
that leads to intimate and personal conversations about adoption?
Many adoptive parents (at least those with "conspicuous" families) report that some of the worst, most intrusive comments from strangers happen at the grocery store. I luckily have not had too many bad experiences- one of the worst was someone (on a Sunday morning no less) asking me if I ran a preschool- and being conspicuous means the staff at the deli counter remembers my kids so they get spoiled with samples.
Apparently though the desire to talk about adoption in the grocery store is not just an urge strangers feel...
The scene:
A is walking next to the cart, K is in the cart (the other kids are at home which is why any conversation was able to take place at all)
Me:
Choose which kind of cereal you want and put it in the cart
K:
(doesn't actually have a speaking part but promptly reaches in to grab the aforementioned cereal intending to throw it out of the cart)
Me: Please don't take things out of the cart (while grabbing the box as it is hurled to the ground)
A: You don't have to listen to her K, she not your real mom
Me:
Excuse me, but you better believe I am her real mom- Your real mom is the one who takes care of you when you are sick, who hugs you when you feel bad and who will ground you if you tell your sister again that I am not her real mom. Now do you mean that she also had a birth mom too?
A:
Yeah, what happened to her birthmom?
Me:
That's a private story that I don't want to discuss in the cereal aisle of the grocery store
A:
Why not?
Me:
It's your sister's private story that we will not be sharing with other people, especially in the grocery store
A:
But... (and he went on to ask some other pointed questions that I will not relay in order to keep said private story ACTUALLY private)
Me:
We are done talking about this in the store. We can talk more at home if you want.
A:
Can I get some fruit snacks?
Sunday, May 2, 2010
A Preview of the Teen Years
God Help Us!
If she has this much 'tude now.......
I told her she could get a snack. She asked for ice cream. I told her to have B help her but I guess she couldn't find him so she helped herself to the half gallon of ice cream AND the whole bag of chips. I walked into the living room about 10 minutes after our conversation to find her eating chips, watching TV and eating (at least WITH a spoon) directly from the ice cream container.
Not sure I am looking forward to hormones....
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