Confessions of a Rambunctious WhipperSnapper

One silver lining out of this whole nightmare brought on by the supreme curt is that the voice of the LGBT community and its straight allies is finally being heard. The images from the global day of rage are just-pardon my french-fucking awesome.

We’re not a community that will tolerate being put under siege anymore. We will stand up and fight for our rights. We will not let a few homophobes take away our rights. We will stand and shout and gently give you nice suggestions about the places where you can stuff your homophobia in. (We’re gay, remember? According to you, we’re supposed to know this stuff!)

Here are some of the places where you can see pictures of yesterday’s protests:

1) Orinam.net (@chennaipride on twitter)

2. Hysterical Feminist

3. And Buzzfeed, which contains my favourite image:

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Most of the time, the Indian media is really clueless about gay issues. But, sometimes, they go so far beyond clueless that’s it’s embarrassing. Embarrassing for them, that is. Humorous for us.

Let’s start with this recent article about the poor man’s Aamir Khan posing shirtless for his movie posters:

Ever since Imran’s shirtless pictures were splashed in various newspapers, the phones at Dharma productions (Karan Johar’s company which is producing Imran’s next, I Hate Luv Storys) have almost been ringing off the hook with calls from gay fans requesting an autographed picture of the actor.

The whole article in short: Oh look, random shirtless person. Wait, he’s also showing a tiny part of his posterior. That’s it. HE IS A GAY ICON! Because isn’t that what “the gays” love? Pecs and asses? STOP THE PRESSES!

Also, this is the worst bullshit that has been ever written, even by the standards of the Times of India. Really? It’s 2010. There are millions of more ‘explicit’ and less photoshopped pictures available with a single google search. This is just typical self-loathing homophobe Karan Johar’s idiotic way of promoting his little movie.

These were the same people who just a few months ago annoited John Abraham to gay icon status.

Why? Well, because he was shirtless while starring in a messy movie mashup of Three’s Company and I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry. Also, he “exposed”, and showed a part of his butt! So, GAY ICON!

How does it feel to be a gay icon?
Today homosexuality is so open world over. To think that the same gender likes you is a plus.
Have you ever been propositioned then?
Oh, all the time. Be it Philadelphia where I came back from or Miami. Women and men have come up to me to chat. I have been asked ‘Are you single?’
That’s a compliment.
Listen, I can’t take this as a compliment. My trainer Mike Ryan used to go for walking with me and he is a tough guy. And when two tough guys walk together, people look at you and wonder. And before anybody said anything, I would say, ‘He is not my boyfriend.’ In Miami and San Francisco, the best looking men are gay. Can you beat that?

Yes, Bipasha Basu’s ho is really scared of being identified as ‘gay’. Ahh, what a nice “icon” to have.

And before Mr-One-Expression-Only, it was bearded Neetu Kapoor who was, you guessed it, a gay icon!

A little more than three weeks still remain for Ranbir’s first film Saawariya to hit the theatres and the newcomer from the Kapoor clan has already become very popular with youngsters, particularly girls and gays. The gay community in Mumbai has already labeled Ranbir as their new icon. On the other hand, girls can’t stop drooling over Ranbir wherever he goes to promote ‘Saawariya’.

Yup. Because in his first movie, he almost showed his butt, because the scene was cut by mean censor board, because they hate small butts and they cannot lie? [Btw, this article about Ranbir is a laugh-riot! Not only because of the bad english.]

Now, before you think this is limited to just random actors, you’re in for a surprise.

Rahul Gandhi emerged as a youth icon during the General Elections with even Prime Minster Manmohan Singh acknowledging his contribution to the Congress' thumping victory.

But it isn't only the youth that are looking to him for a voice. The country's lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans-gender (LGBT) community voted overwhelmingly for the Congress hoping that young Rahul would take up their cause.

"He's really cute... he's so good looking and young. He's like the Ranbir Kapoor of Indian politics. He has all the charm and he didn't even have to drop a towel," says a gay rights activist

*Facepalm*

BUT HE DID NOT SHOW HIS BUTT? HOW CAN HE BE A GAY ICON? THAT’S NOT EVEN CONSISTENT BY YOUR OWN DEFINITION!

I’d be surprised by their ignorance, but it’s nothing new. The coverage has always been this clueless.

Anyways, scribes, hacks and other idiots, let me break it down for you.

Firstly, contrary to popular rumours, all the gay members do not gather around in their secret gaycave every week and decide whom to elevate to the status of the next top gay icon. You’re confusing us with Tyra Banks.

Also, secondly, just because you talk to a few idiots looking to see their fake name in print, doesn’t make them representative of the gay community. Neither do editors of some small-ass internet or print publication. Or for that matter any random blogger.

See, the thing is that just because someone poses shirtless doesn’t make them an icon. Gay icons are people who actually do something for the community. Either they tread the road less travelled, or blaze their way through glass ceilings and never look back.

Okay, that sounded too dramatic. Even for me.

Simply put, gay icons are people who give something back to the community. Or they entertain us.

Like Harvey Milk, Lt. Dan Choi or Elton John or Ellen DeGeneres or our patron saint of the immaculate penis, Lady Gaga.

Hell, gay people loved Liza Minnelli so much, they even married her a couple of times.

Besides, we even take care of our non-icons.

Look at Antonio Sabato jr. Whenever he runs out of money, he takes his shirt off in a movie or reality show and we throw some gay coins at him. But, he didn’t become our ho in one day. Bitch had to work it. He did a couple of movies where he got naked, (and unlike Indian actors, he had the balls to show his, ummmm, balls), and had simulated gay sex. We appreciate him for that and hence he never goes without money.

Therefore,  the moral of the story is: You don’t become an icon just because you show some P & A.

But you can still be our ho!

Just remember to get naked. Often.

Otherwise don’t call us. We’ll call you.

So almost every politican and their hooch drinking uncle seems to have come out against "pub culture". Yesterday, our most exalted Health Minister said that he is coming up with a policy which will put an end to "pub culture". Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is all part of the government's plan to protect us from the terrorists. If we adopt the same laws as the taliban, maybe they wouldn't train people to come and kill us and all?

But why does everybody seem to change their mind suddenly? Not because pubs haven't existed in our country. They have been here for decades. The real wink,wink nudge, nudge reason why such a large number of people in power have been feigning this outrage is because they seem to have just discovered that young, "impressionable" woman are now regular visitors to these places which dare to serve decadent western values along with each portion of chicken wings. Our esteemed leaders were under the impression that only lose woman who failed their medical examination and had no choice but to marry a man with a regular source of income, who could only be found drowning his sorrows in a city pub, were the ones who frequented pubs, and not those young teenage women who are of marriageable age and who nowadays, because of "pub culture" know more about different types of Tequila than about different ways to cook eggplant.

Suddenly these people seem to have discovered that it's the twenty first century and that women refused to be treated as free vending machines who alternate between turning out food and popping out children.

Many of these "leaders" might not agree with the methods of the goatfuckers who attacked those women at the bar in Mangalore, but they all agree with the sentiments. Of course, now the horrendous act will be justified using crazy right wing nut job logic according to which the woman were asking for it because of dressing "to provoke" and stepping outside their house without the company of a minimum of three male relatives.

These people think that by just putting a girl and a boy in a room together means that they would end up having sex. Just because most of these people were born centuries before us (some of them literally. I mean how old do you think Arjun Singh is? Multiply it by a hundred. That's his approximate age.) does not mean they know better.

We "youngsters" (they say it like we're smug little assholes) can decide which jackass politician to vote for, we can decide which brokerage firm loses our money in the stock market, we can decide which pious neighborhood we would like to desecrate with our unholy presence. In fact we can even decide how many children NOT to have (unless of course we're living in a joint family. Then it's the decision of the joint family council. Just like they show in Survivor.) So, I think we can pretty much decide how much alcohol we require so that foreplay is minimized. I mean we're Indian. The sooner we "close the deal" the sooner we can go back to praying to God for forgiving us for having sex without the intent of having children.

Legislating your own sixth century morals is against the freedom that our constitution pretends to give us. What pisses me of is when I hear people our age talk the same drivel these old farts do. They also buy into this myth of "culture". Yes. Sure. Because it's served us so well over the past few centuries. *coughsecondlargestpopulationintheworldcough*

In our country, people can get away with murder, with creating mob hysteria, with forcing little kids to work below minimum wage, but the heavens will fall and the gates of hell will devour us all if two, law abiding, tax paying citizens just want to have a cocktail together.

Makes you want to hit the bottle, dunnit?