mumbles and rattles

I don't know what's wrong. I just feel so empty. Like there's really something huge that's missing. I tried shaking off that bad vibes by playing games. I thought it will go away… and that I just need a diversion. I was wrong.

What I'm feeling right now, it's something deeply rooted. It's caused by running away from my fears and blocking them off subconsciously. Now, they're running after me… trying to peel every layer of pretense I kept for safety.

Will there be solace after this? I don't think so. Is it time to face them and give in to the insanity they're about to give me?

Only time can tell… As of now, I chose to run faster.

may sumpa ata ako. di lang sa aspeto ng lecheng pag-ibig. pati ata mga taong malalapit sa akin. apektado ng sumpa..

tatlong bf ko dati, namatay thru different accidents. parang ang weird. lahat sila nakita kung paano ako in my super happy state.. and in my deepest depression. ang masaklap lang dun, they never lasted. ironic pa nga kasi one died on christmas eve.

now my bestfriends. my guy bestfriend took his own life a few years ago. nagbigti sya upon knowing na buntis yung wife nya na at that time ay napagbuhatan nya ng kamay. di raw niya kinaya yung guilt.

the latest one, si coleen. she lives on her own and minsan, dinadalaw ko. a few months ago, she met this wonderful guy. steady date sila kahit the guy has clearly no plans on being serious. ikaw ba naman ang 27 y/o na, college pa rin.

i've been really vocal in showing my disgust over that guy. walang pangarap, masaya na sa pag-asa sa parents nya. then, a couple of weeks ago, coleen told me she's pregnant. tinanong ko siya about david's reaction. sabi nya, di nya alam. di na sinasagot nung guy yung calls, text messages, and emails nya.

since then, nagkaroon ng severe depression si coleen. nakausap ko siya nung friday and she wanted me to stay in her house... natatakot daw siya sa gabi. i brushed them off, thinking that her fears will be gone the minute she drinks her anti-depressants. it didn't.

past 4am, saturday morning, she was begging me to be there. kaya lang, me katangahan akong nagawa nung friday before going to work kaya hindi ako nakapunta sa kanya. pagdating ko sa bahay, before 6am, i received a text message from her yaya. nag suicide daw si coleen.

ang hirap isipin.. masakit mawalan ng kaibigan..

lalo ko tuloy na-confirm:

may sumpa nga ako.

Last year, on my 24th birthday, I was the image of pure depression and melancholy. I celebrated my birthday with just a bottle of Generoso, and Purefoods luncheon meat as my pulutan. That year, I had a misunderstanding with my mom which lasted more than 3 months…

This year, me and my mom were in good terms. I was actually not in good terms with my dad. He happens to celebrate his birthday before mine and I managed to give him problems late February.

I was so psyched that I will celebrate alone and that what happened last year may also happen this year. I did not make any plans at all as they may go to waste. I even abandoned the idea of watching Eraserheads Reunion concert that I planned to attend late last year.

March 5, my father’s birthday was the start of my long leave from work. I took a 5-working day leave to carefully think whether I’m still on the right track, or am I slowly drifting from my plans. It was at this day when I re-read my journal entries and wrote all the things that I’d like to accomplish this year until before I reach 26.

March 6… It was Rakrakan 9.5, a gathering of rakista.com members, and the day before I reach 25. I went late in the evening and bought 2 buckets of Red Horse Beer and sisig for my clan mates. After our orders were brought to our table, my clan mates sang the birthday song which I’ll answer with: bukas pa ang birthday ko (It’s not yet my birthday!) which made other rcom members look at our direction.

I was also meeting up with Ellaine Janica, my high school friend who happens to be born on the same month and date that I was. When EJ arrived at Dayo, we stayed only for some more minutes then we headed to Timog or Morato to celebrate our birthday.

We first went to Gusi Bar but since it was already past 12am, the bar’s already closed. Then, we took a cab and went to Pier 1 instead. Upstairs, inside the air-conditioned room, EJ and I ordered some blue margarita and nachos. We updated each other with the current happenings in our lives. We also talked about our plans for the future. That night, I went home in their house somewhere in Project 4.

March 7, about past 10am, I arrived home. Waiting for me were the ingredients for spaghetti and pancit that I will be cooking for my birthday. Instead of greeting me Happy Birthday, my mom asked me where I spent the night. Of course, I did not answer anymore, we might just end up arguing again. So instead of taking some nap first, I immediately started cooking.

I did not invited any office mates or friends because I originally thought that this year will be a repeat of my birthday last year. However, I did invited Motoki, my friend since college, to come to our house. I even assured him that it’s just food, there’ll be no drinking. But, Uncle Tam called home past 7pm, saying that Ayi and a friend will be coming so I better prepare some drinks.

So late in the evening, I cooked again and even asked my Aunt Vilma to buy Andok’s lechon manok for pulutan. In less than an hour, my uncle arrived, followed by Motoki. My uncle suggested buying some drinks so I asked Motoki to accompany me in the nearest 7-11 store. Soon after, Ayi and his friend arrived. After eating, Motoki and I drove to 7-11 and bought Antonov Vodka and The Bar, an orange-flavored vodka. We even bought 2 packs of Marlboro lights and some chips.

I drank Vodka with Motoki, Ate Vhec (my cousin), Uncle Tam, Ayi, and Monty. Apparently, other that me, it was only Motoki who drinks Vodka. The rest of them, it was their first time to drink that. I was laughing at their reactions as they took their first shots of Antonov. After drinking half the bottle of Antonov, I suggested of trying The Bar Orange Vodka since it tastes better than the first. I was telling them to drink The Bar without any chaser because it tastes sweet. Their reactions after sipping their first try made me laugh real hard. Ha ha…

My birthday this year was a happy one. I’m already on the 25th year, the silver age. I don’t know which particular age would be my last. As early as now, I’m psyching myself that 50 will be my oldest age. So I better do all I want to do and accomplish what I want to achieve. After all, 25 years isn’t that long, right?

I'm not sure what to feel
I'm not even sure if it's worth it.
His feelings weren't real..
And I've been so naive!