My Lady of the Lantern

I asked: X, am I infertile? I was told: No. It is a matter of time. Everything is a matter of time. How much is enough time? How much is not much time? Is the statement denial? Or is it a failed attempt to console? Is the statement an encouragement to persevere? Or is it relying on hope? Is the statement meant to wriggle harmlessly out of the anguish? Or is it meant more to convince oneself rather than the enquirer? What would your take on the reply be? [Especially, when you know that the person saying that (a) loves you a lot and (b) is expected to handle people more professionally, (c) is now being forced to face the fire not from a stranger, but by close family.] ^WiseGuy^

AF arrived yesterday evening. Bloggers, Aaafra Faafra is visiting me. Tweetypies, Agnedy Fugnimima has come! Am glad that she did not act up on me this cycle. I would have wanted an alternate scenario, for it to not have arrived at all. But, not being pregnant and not having the periods is horrible. The other thing is that unlike the medicated cycle in September, I won’t be doing Clomid in October and November. I had to decide on this fast because AF was here, and the cycle day count had been reset. I think doing round after round of ovulation inducing medication had contributed to the cyst (now disappeared, thankfully) and I do not want to make the same mistake again. I want to be more precise in terms of when I want to use these medicines. If I had an iota of hope that I would be able to manage timed s#x these two months, I would have given Clomid a shot, but I know that it won’t be possible. We would be travelling, or spending time with his family, or attending the two major w...

…that it is almost a year to my IVF w/ICSI #1. …that I still feel sad that there were no second chances for me from that cycle. …that it still hurts that none of them are with me. …that I occasionally have very angry thoughts against God. …that when I am not very angry, I am upset with God. …that maybe in a certain time gap from now, I will understand why it happened the way it happened, but by the time I figure it out, I am likely to continue feeling like this. …of some technique by which it can be identified as to what path does the released egg take from the ovary to the fallopian tube. It can be identified whether ovulation occurred, but can it be identified whether the egg travelled into the fallopian tubes or not? …that what I realized on Friday was that the desktop wallpaper that I have had for the past fortnight happens to be ^WiseGuy^ Image Courtesy: http://media.photobucket.com/image/anne%20geddes%20wallpaper/Helenita35/Lenita/6q_2_AnneGeddes_Wallpaper03.jpg

On my recent weekend trip, I got to spend time with one of my SILs who I really adore. She and her husband have chosen to remain childless voluntarily, and I know for a fact that she is not an infertile. We met after a long long time...almost 10 years! And we got talking. And even though she did not outright discuss my troubles, we did end up talking about my IF. I do not allow too many people IRL to hold a conversation with me with regards to my efforts to have a baby. Humour and Wisecracks are my usual defence. Well, none of that happened with her. I did not even cry. She did not even ask me how long I had been in the rut. But she permeated the knowledge that I have been in the reins, and she knew it. But she told me that she appreciated how busy I kept myself. That was something I did not counter at all. Because, everybody should keep a part of their illusions about me. I do not keep busy to forget about Infertility, I actually keep busy because I like it that way. Also, every day, ...

She woke up to find that the house was empty. She walked around and revelled in the absence of her evil stepsisters. Her dining room was lonely-looking. She sat at the table, tapping her fingers. Maybe this was the right time. She stood up and opened the window....the creeper had still not flowered yet. Hmmm....she wondered. She reached for the cookie jar and quickly grabbed one. A clean bite into the cookie, she realized that there was a tiny paper set into the cookie centre. She opened the paper and it read: "This Lottery Ticket Did Not Win." ^WiseGuy^

Saturday morning a cousin was showing me random pics of the family when he showed the pic of his niece’s recent born son. The baby has a name that I had mentally finalized for my baby boy. No this is not stealing. This is not having babies to assign those names to first. And it reminded me so of a post by BabySmiling . Her question was almost prophetic. ^WiseGuy^

Q: How many brunettes does it take to change a light bulb? I plan to POAS on either 22nd or 23rd . I strongly contemplated whether I should whisper my plans so loudly lest I jinx my chances, but I know that if it has to happen it will, and if it does not have to happen, nothing will make it fall in place. So here it is, my royal plan for the whole universe to know. And I am glad that I will be away on the weekend for a short trip to J, because that will leave me with little time to ponder over the impending event. I found the navel scar of my laparoscopy irritated. I kind of scraped the peeling skin with a nail, and it just got worse. I have sloshed my navel with Aloe Vera lotion. My belly button is spouting aloe vera. A strange situation befell me today evening. I was at a chemist’s buying myself a couple of HPTs, and one of the brands he gave me read – Unwanted . The other brand is my usual – Makesure . I actually bought one Makesure and one Unwanted . The latter was cheaper. And be...

It kicked in that on September 13, 2009 I had completed five years of my dragon quest for becoming a mother. What kind of an anniversary is that? The Five Year Itch? If Marilyn Monroe would have starred in this saga would she have screamed blonde jokes? Hmmm....maybe I should come out with brunette jokes? Sometime in 2004....I swallowed my last birth control pill, thinking no more preventing .... Five years for a bloody baby of my own? Five years of freckin' waiting for Baby #1? Can you read into the text and see that I am still talking of the baby in ordinal terms, and not absolute terms....I am not saying one...that I am referring to it as the 'first'.... Hmmm...as disjointed as I am getting...I had wished hoped for planned for Baby 1 to happen by the time I was 30 and the Baby 2 to happen by the time I was 32-33. That would have ensured that I had finished adding to my family by the time I was 35. I will be 32 in December....I started at the right time....I was 26 wh...

I have thought about removing you from the regular bag. You better give me something To fill the hole Before I sputter out In fact, when I switched bags recently, I held you in my hands and thought of whether to? Life is white and I am black I catch your glimpse, standing in the parking lot, hunting for the keys. I catch your glimpse, scouring for appropriate currency notes to hand over to the shopkeeper. This paint by numbers life is fucking with my head I catch your glimpse, in attempting to find a pen. I catch your glimpse, looking for my diary, to take notes. I catch your glimpse whenever I empty the whole bag for a crap sorting endeavour. Life is hard and so am I I catch your glimpse, whenever I try to take out a comb, safety pins, lip gloss, or ATM cards… You are always there. Guess who is living here With the great undead Dear that-one-ultrasound-picture , are you not expected to fade away? Novocaine for the soul Before I sputter out ^WiseGuy^ Lyrics: Novocaine for the Soul by T...

Today is CD20. This past Monday to Wednesday, I finished Zocon AS-KIT in sync with hubby...and already started with the ASA...and since yesterday I have also started the Duphaston (to be continued for 12 days)...All of this is in addition to the Diamet (Metformin) I am swallowing. There is one really nice thing that has happened...and that is that I can see my toes the way they are....bloating has reduced...and I feel lighter. Actually it was the fitting of certain clothes that I had noticed first...then came the realization that overall I am peeing more frequently...And then I kind of observed my body parts...but the best thing is that the bloating is reduced! ^WiseGuy^

This Show and Tell , I am making you see the effect of cosmic disco-lights that can make the same scene look so starkly different. The first pic is: And the second pic is: And both the pics were clicked on the same evening...within 20 minutes of one another (date was July 8, 2009). ^WiseGuy^

Getting struck with something you did not presume to exist in your mind is a strange feeling. Or perhaps getting struck boldly with something that sometime crossed your thought field is a strange feeling. I was getting congratulatory phone calls from some family yesterday over something, and at some point then...I was thinking that perhaps I am not a mother, because I really do not actually have the mental make-up of a mother. Longing for a child is fine...but I can play when it plays, and when it poos, I still have the privilege of handing over the baby to the caretaker, but maybe I just don't have the stamina of living with the reality of the dream I think I want but I may be wanting it just because I do not have it. It is a very scary prospect. I thought about it and immediately corrected myself. I tried to bring myself to my senses, but I was thinking at the previous moment too. I was in my senses even then. Getting my PhD would open even more career growth avenues for me. Wha...

DH came back home from the other city. Me: I have been taking Combiflam for the past three days. DH: Why? Me: Because of this...pointing down under. DH: That's what I keep on telling you...we have to have s€x more often. Last time we did only once, and see what happened. Me: What? Gotta love my husband's simplemindedness. I apologize to anybody who may have been led on to believe that prolonged use of sanitary napkins is the actual source of my woe. ^WiseGuy^

Warning: This IS a TMI post. For those of you who have been tracking my blog, you must be aware that most of August, and a large part of July was spent on me obsessing about my AF. Well, at whatever date the AF was expected, I started with a practice which is usual for me, and that was to wear protection in case, AF comes all of a sudden. Well, waiting became way longer than expected, and even though I spared my vayjayjay any friction after coming home (from the office), I finally had an all-timer session the last 8-9 days of August. Why am I telling you all this? Coz I developed something like an allergy...deep red colouring, inflammation and pain...and it is not a very pleasant sensation. If I lose this cycle because of some infection, well I might as well have saved up the Clomid. Why do I have to have these W-T-royal-F situations? ^WiseGuy^

This show and tell, I have something really exciting to share with you - two poems that are very close to my heart. The first one has fury-unrestrained of a broken heart, and the second one is sensuous, and very much so. Poem I – by Anna Akhmatova – You Thought I Was That Type You thought I was that type: that you could forget me, and that I'd plead and weep and throw myself under the hooves of a bay mare, or that I'd ask the sorcerers for some magic potion made from roots and send you a terrible gift: my precious perfumed handkerchief. Damn you! I will not grant your cursed soul vicarious tears or a single glance. And I swear to you by the garden of the angels, I swear by the miracle-working ikon, and by the fire and smoke of our nights: I will never come back to you. Poem II – by Orhan Veli Kanik – Spread Out She's spread out; Her skirt pulled up slightly; She's lifted her arm, one can see her armpits; And with one hand she's holding her breast; I know, she thin...